NeW MooN ReVieW

Thoughts on New Moon:

First and most important, while I’m not Ga-Ga for the Twilight series, I was thrilled to be able to say at the end of the movie that I am STILL majorly TEAM EDWARD, and I don’t care that his little English white belly is scrawny and I could take him down and put him in a pretzel lock with my own thighs, I still would take him over Jacob Lautner and his terrible Navajo weave any old day.

Honestly, I would take Edward’s intensity, charm and intellect over Jacob’s 8-pack o’ abs any day.

Oh, and that glitter and shine in the sunlight intensifies his beauty.

I would lay with him in a field of purple daisies and trace his face with my fingertips all day long if I was a confused teenager in love. Oh yes I would. And yeah, I'd sure as hell let him bite me. Anywhere he'd want to.

The line Bella says to Jacob, “You’re sorta beautiful” had me choking on my popcorn. Dumb, weak, lame, corny movie stuff. But am sure the tweeners will be hugging their pillows pretending to make out with them over that line.

I love Vampire Alice and want her for my BFF, plus I want her haircut. And her eyes. In fact, I want all the vampire’s eyes, except for the Volturi’s red ones. Oh, and their skin. I don’t want the Volturi vampire’s skin. They are extra pallid and white. I’m not into the just-painted-my-face-with-jar-of-Noxema look. But am OK with glimmer-of-flour-brushed-across-skin accents the Cullens go with.

I’m kinda intrigued with Victoria; like she's cool in that evil vampire chick way.

Also, LOVE the Cullen family. They just seem so vampirishly nice.

Didn’t enjoy the guy getting mad at Bella so he turns into a wolf and then Jacob turning into a wolf to protect Bella and them fighting, but I guess you need to put some action in there to keep the boys interested in the movie.

Bothered me a bit that in the first movie Bella’s all like, “Edward, you’re so cold,” and in this one, it’s “Jacob, you’re so warm.” While I like Edward so much better, and I’m totally on the vampire side, I like warmth better than being cold, so that’s kind of, well, not a deal-breaker for me, but a point of contention for me.

Bella has to get over those nightmares.

I have never read any of the books in the Twilight saga series. And after viewing New Moon, my first thought was, “Damn. I’m gonna have to wait like a YEAR till I can find out what happens next.”

Then I’m like, DUH. There’s a book. You can read it. Stupid, stupid girl.

yoGa aND JoHNNy DePP?

I went to yoga today. Didn't want to go really, have been lazy, but I ran into my lovely awesome instructor at the grocery store yesterday and so that was another one of those signs telling me that I should be there today. So I asked her yesterday, "If I go tomorrow, will you go easy on the planks?"

She said, "Well, I can't promise that."

I said, "Well, I can't promise I'll be there then."

Like that's any sweat off her back if I'm there or not.

So, I show up, and being the smart ass that I am, she starts the class by asking, "Before we start, are there any questions?"

I raise my hand.

"Yes, Stephanie?"

"Rumor has it that today is No Plank Day?"

Everyone laughed. Even my lovely yoga instructor.

Until she killed us through the hour with about a million planks.

Nah, just kidding. She wasn't that bad on us. I just can't move now.

But what does this have to do with Johnny Depp you ask? Well, we were doing some downward dogs and she suggested we lift our right leg during them and bend them back toward our left elbows.

I'll pause here why you do that imagine thing in your brain so you can envision that pose.

PAUSE.

OK, so you get the picture?

She says, "Just imagine something like a hundred dollar bill is taped to your elbow and you're reaching with your toes to grab it." So we do and all is fine.

Then we move to do the other leg.

This time we bend our left leg and she says, "OK, imagine something taped to your right elbow that you want so badly and you're reaching ...

I pipe in ...

"Like Johnny Depp?"

Class bust outs.

Teacher says, "Eww, he needs a bath."

Me: "I'll give him a bath."

GooD KaRMa CoaT

Diva and I went shopping tonight and I wasn't really looking for one, well, I kinda was, but not really searching for one but this really cute coat caught my eye at Macy's and I tried it on and well, they were having a really great sale so far be it for me not to help stimulate the economy you know? So, I went up to the cash register to see how much it was on sale for, along with a pair of jeans that are far to tight for my fat ass. But anyway, that's another blog post for another time.

The coat, which is pictured below, is black, not white, because I could never pull off an all-white coat, although, come to think of it, I do have an off-white or creamy-ish colored jacket in my closet, and that's where it mostly lives -- in the closet, because if it didn't live in the closet, well, it'd be really dirty by now.



So, this coat, pictured here, but in black, originally goes for $169.00. I don't think I would ever buy a clothing item for that much. Shit, my wedding dress barely cost that much. Okay, yes, it did cost a little bit more than that, but it was only a three digit number, SERIOUSLY! That's why I laugh when watching Say Yes to the Bitch Dress, because it cracks me up that some of those dresses these self-serving stuck-up snobs NEED cost more than my whole wedding WEEKEND!

So, I knew it wouldn't cost $169 cuz it was on sale, but I didn't think it was going to be the number she threw out to me, which was $69!

SOLD! I was gonna get me a new coat!

So, along with jeans too tight for my fatass, the nice lady rang up the coat as well and I was so happy with such an inexpensive charge. As I was walking out, I looked at my receipt and realized she accidentally charged me twice for the jeans which were $39.99 and did not charge me for the coat at all!

Yes, I could have walked out of there saving thirty bucks. But in good conscious (proper use of that word, I do not know?) I could not do that. Plus, I figured it would be a good teaching lesson for Diva. Plus, I'm all about the good karma.

I went back to the register and said, "I think you made a mistake and charged me twice for the jeans and not at all for the coat."

She checked it out and I was right.

"I couldn't leave here in good faith knowing I hadn't paid for the coat. Plus, I'd probably then get in a bad car accident or something!" I said and laughed.

She appreciated my honesty and I felt good about going back. Plus, if something was wrong with the coat, I wouldn't have been able to return it -- well, I probably could have cuz I would have had the tags, but still. I was glad to went back, and it was only a $30 difference, and I was saving a hundred bucks on the awesome coat anyway!

And yes, on the way home, on a dark winding road, no effing lie, Diva and I were in the car and a fricking HUGE ASS DEER came bolting out of the woods RIGHT FREAKING IN FRONT OF OUR CAR and we both screamed and I put on the brakes to slow down to let him leap across the street.

You can be your sweet ass had I left the store without paying my share for that coat that it would now be covered in deer blood and guts.

It's my good karma coat for sure. Yes, it is!

GoiNG SuGaR-FRee

In my last post I was talking about change. One of the things I am working on to change in my life has been the amount of sugar I eat.

On November 1, the day after Halloween, I took all the Pay Days, Twix bars, 100 Grands, Baby Ruths, Take Fives (there were only a few of those suckers), and a couple other key candies and I ate them all. There were probably close to 18 or so. I took them because Diva doesn't like those kinds and throughout the day I ate all the types of candies I wanted. Each and every single one of them. And you betcha, I enjoyed them all.

We also had cupcakes. There were six of them. I had two the day before. I was planning on eating one on this night, which was a Sunday night. I finished off all the chocolate candy bars (none of them were full-sized - everyone was pretty stingy this year if you ask me!) And you know what, I just realized I already told you all of this shit on November 1, about how I ate all this crap already, and how I ate those two luscious cupcakes, and how I tossed the four remaining cupcakes. Man, it sooo sucks getting old. So, what's the point of this blog post?

Oh yeah.

I haven't had a dessert or a sugar treat since that night.

Not one.

And there have been plenty around here.

There is all the kids' candy still left over. There was a slice of birthday cake at lunch one afternoon. There were cookies at a luncheon the other day. There were cookies at a lunch today. We have ice cream in the house. We have snacky shit all over the place. There's junk everywhere. And I have said no. For 10 days I have not had chocolate or cake or ice cream or cookies or cupcakes or snack cakes or crappy sweety sugary donutty junky crappy stuff at all.

Have I missed it? Have I gone to bed like a crazed woman?

Nope.

The second night I woke up with my mouth feeling like it was filled with a vanilla cream filled cake, and then the other night I woke up dreaming I was mid-way through a suicide Slurpee and was ordering cilantro-lemon sorbet but other than that, I haven't even wanted anything sweet. I have had TWO sugar-free pieces of chocolate since I stopped eating sweets, and I also bought sugar-free chocolate pudding in case I get a case of the crave attacks but so far it's been sooooo easy.

And another thing. Since I stopped the sugar bombs, I have not craved or wanted Diet Coke for almost a week now either. Before, I would have on average 3-5 Diet Cokes a day. Not one since last Thursday. That's pretty freaking amazing.

I don't know if I've lost any weight. I don't have a scale at home. My jeans fit better this morning. I feel a bit more comfortable putting on my clothes. I am not really feeling starving. I'm choosing better alternatives when I feel like I need to have a snack - a bowl of cereal (non-sugary), nuts, whole grain bread, an apple. I do know there is sugar in apples, and there are sugars in other types of foods. I am aware that I can't completely give up sugar because it is in many foods, but I'm being cautious. Like I wanted a PB&J the other day but when I noticed sugar was the second ingredient in both items, I chose something else to eat. And I know I can get natural PB and jelly, and maybe I will, but I'm taking this slow to see how my body reacts to it, and see how I feel later on down the road.

Seriously, if I can pass up the peppermint mocha lattes (it's pretty easy, if I want a coffee, I can just get a skinny cafe vanilla latte), and a seasonal cookie, really ANYONE can give up sugar. And I'm interested in seeing how this goes. I'm just looking at it as an experiment, not as a DIET. I'm just testing the sugarless waters to see where it takes me. So far, I'm swimming steady and not sinking!

CHaNGe

Change.

Every day I look out my living room window at the same tree. I love this one tree in front of my house. Every day I think the same thing.

What would it be like if I took a photograph of this picture every day from this same spot and then viewed the photos. I know what I would see. I would see a barren tree, as it is practically now, with only a few yellow leaves on brown branches.

Then I would watch as winter comes, and the branches become covered with snow and ice crystals while I lay on the couch and wonder when it will all change back.

I remember not very long ago, this tree was filled with green leaves and so full my children could hide in the branches above.

There was another tree in my old house, in Pennsylvania, and we moved there in September, so I didn’t know at the time what colors it would become. So, can you imagine what it felt like in May to discover it bloomed pink? And that I actually thought when I first saw a tree like that across the street, that the neighbors had decorated their tree in pink eggs in honor of Easter?

I love the mystery of how trees change.

It’s so simple yet so crazy. They didn’t sign up for change. Yet they just accept the change, and they go with the flow, and they accept that it will happen, and that things will turn out okay from each season.

Why can’t we live like that? To just go with the flow and to know that with each passing season, everything will be okay no matter what happens?

I’ve had awesome trees in every home I’ve lived in so far. I have been able to look out my front window and have experienced amazing things, and I’ve remembered the changes and the beauty in those changes. Why can’t I be open to change and know that with every season when something new comes along, it doesn’t have to be something to be feared, but it can be something to look forward to?

SeX TaLKS aRe So MuCH FuN wiTH THe MaNiCS

So, Ajers and I had a date last night. Any time I can get him alone I like to offer a chance for us to talk, and I always ask, "Is there anything you need to know, anything at all you want to ask me?"

"Not really."

"OK," I said, and kept driving. We were going shoe shopping.

About five minutes later he decided he DID have a question.

"I do have a question!"

"OK, ask."

"Was Dad the only person you ever did it with."

Uh-oh.

I don't even think I thought about lying. I came right out and told the truth and said, "Nope."

He said, "So you did it with someone else?"

"Yep."

"When was it?"

"It wasn't until I was in college." I said. WHICH WAS TRUE BY THE WAY! Technically, it was after high school, the summer BEFORE COLLEGE, like actually TWO WEEKS BEFORE I WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE, so to me, that was COLLEGE, right!? RIGHT!

THANK GOD he didn't want to know more, like who was it, were there more than one, etc. He did however ask this:

"Was he better than Dad!?!?

WTF!!!

Here's how I answered THAT ONE:

"NO HONEY! OF COURSE NOT! Daddy is your daddy! I married Daddy! He's the father to my children and I love him very much!"

Then he asked if Daddy ever did it with anyone else and then he answered his own question by saying, "Probably with Barbie!" (which is what everyone in our whole family calls Daddy's little blonde ex-girlfriend.)

I said, "Yeah, probably with Barbie and there's NO WAY SHE WAS BETTER THAN ME SON!"

Hahah. I didn't say that last part to Ajers, but you can damn well better believe I was thinking it!

See, it's important to be open with your children. It really is.

And, when we got home, I high-tailed it to where Mr. Manic was to fill him in on the conversation so if Ajers got to him, we would be on the same page with our info! And cool thing was, he said he would have answered Ajers exactly the same way I answered his questions.

Cool parenting 101!

[P.S. I've been on a blogging rampage lately, so if you missed the post from yesterday, please stop by and read it below - it's more tame - about the tooth fairy!]

PRooF THaT i STiLL KiNDa RoCK aS a MoM

So last night at 2 a.m. Tukey came running into our room and I just figured it was cuz of more aftershock of Halloween (he was in there that night too, saying he 'couldn't sleep, but I know some stuff still scares him).

But actually last night he said, "My tooth came out!"

I was like, "Cool, mfpahsshfsdlfjlsj, get in bed." And I tossed the tooth on the nightstand. Then I got smooshed in the middle of him and Mr. Manic. Then I felt like I had to pee. Then I felt like I had to play tooth fairy. Then I felt like a shitty mom cuz the night before, AJERs ripped out his own tooth which was like his 21st baby tooth and he woke up the next morning and bitched out dad cuz there was no money under his pillow. And yes, he's 12, and proof that I've been sucking lately is that he turned 12 eight days ago and I don't even think in the almost five years I've been blogging on here I have ever missed mentioning my babies' birthdays yet I did this year. So I've been sucking as a mom!

So even though AJERs doesn't believe in the tooth fairy, by golly (yes, I did just say BY GOLLY!) he still BELIEVES IN MONEY and he wanted some! And it was NOT delivered!

So, back to last night ...

I was squished in between two of the top six men I love most in the world, and I had to pee like really really bad. You know how even if you don't have to pee like really really bad but once it's in your head even a speck, and you're thinking about it, you might as well have to pee a gallon cuz you're not gonna fall back to sleep, then you might as well get back up.

OH, and I just remembered something ELSE!

I had ALREADY smuggled two bucks under AJERS pillow BEFORE Tukey's tooth fell out so if Tukey were to get up and discover his brother had a visit from the tooth fairy but HE DIDN'T well then, THAT WOULD JUST SUCK ROYAL DONKEY BALLS, DON'T YOU THINK SO?

So, I got up to pee, stole money from Mr. Manic, cuz I'm really, really, really good at that, and threw the tooth into my nightstand (which you can tell I'm getting tired of this too, because up until now, I have every single tooth in ziplocs with the date, year, child's name, and tooth number listed on it - now they are just discarded into a draw not even knowing which kid's mouth it came from!)

I went back to bed and when I woke up this morning, I'm like, "Tukey, why are you in bed with me? Did you have another bad dream?"

Yes, I am THAT good!

"No, I LOST MY TOOTH!"

"You DID! I HAD NO IDEA! DID THE TOOTH FAIRY COME!?!?!?"

"NO! There is no money!"

"Are you sure? Did you look?"

So we looked, and WOWZERS! There is two bucks there!

He was SOOOO excited -- I STILL HAVE HIM FOOLED at EIGHT YEARS OLD!

Yes, I am THAT good!

And in case you missed Tukey's First Tooth Loss, I was THAT good back then too.

Here's a little video for you to enjoy: