Tuesday, July 29, 2008

NO JELLY!

So, I realized something odd the other day.

I talk to myself in the car when I'm alone.

OK, not really talk, more like I yell expletives and vocalize the thoughts I usually keep quiet when I'm in the car with other people. When I'm by myself, well, that's another story.

Take the other day for instance. We were going to watch our neighbor blow off rockets in a field (don't ask, but OK, ever-skeptical nervous mom me had FUN!), so I was going to run to get Dunkin' Donuts for the Rocket Adventure, cuz what's a Rocket Adventure without Munchkins, right?

First off, I am driving to Dunkin' Donuts and talking on the phone, then I hang up and look around me. And then out loud, to no one, because no one is in the car, I say, "FUCK! I went the wrong way!"

What is the point of expletives out loud? Does it make me feel better about being an idiot and driving in the wrong direction to a place I clearly KNOW how to get to?

When I get there, and the curmudgeon Indian man looks at me and says, "What you want?"

Please note, I am not generalizing here. Not all Indian men are curmudgeons, but this one, every time I've been to this Dunkin' Donuts, he just has a mean scowl on his face. Not a nice man. Like I'm seriously afraid to order from him. Good thing his wife or sister-in-law or cousin or whoever the lady is who takes the money smiles, or else I'd never go back.

Anyway, after "What you want?" I say, "A box of large Munchkins, no jelly ones, please."

He gets me my donuts, I smile at the nice lady, she smiles back, I give her my money, she gives me change, I put a dollar in the tip cup (What is it with EVERYONE thinking they deserve a friggin' tip these days anyway?!), and then I grab the donuts and get in the car to go to the Rocket Launch.

Of course, I need a donut for the ride home, and that is probably one of the reasons I have gained 4 of the 22 pounds back ... ouch ... another post for another day ...

I open the box and ... uncontrollably, the urge strikes, and these words tumble from my frustrated mouth:

"I said NO JELLY, you ass!"

Like he could hear me yelling from my car a mile away. But it made me feel a little better to know that I somehow sent my sentiments in his direction.

NO JELLY does not mean fill HALF the box with JELLY-FILLED munchkins, YOU ASS!

Next time you're in the car alone, figure out if you talk to yourself. I bet you do. And I bet your conversations are as insane as mine are.

28 comments:

The Gang's All Here! said...

(sheepish grin here) Yes, my conversations with myself in the car are sad. And pathetic. And scary. Worse is my yelling and driver-ed sarcasm aimed at the other drivers around me. Also sad is my ridiculously loud, at the top of my totally off-key voice singing along to Keith Urban or Steven Curtis Chapman or Little Big Town. Don't tell my kids.

B. said...

I don't have to get in the car and drive to figure out if I do this. I know I do. I know I've said these two thing-- "Shoot, that was the enter only lane." or "Sorry buddy, I'm only letting one person in."

SgtSudsWife said...

Good I am not the only one LOL.I also do this when I am alone.Especially at other drivers.I just get aggravated very easily.The only difference is I don't really keep them to myself when I have passengers but oobviously I am not really conversating with them when I yell things out at other people.

Shelley said...

Oh my gosh, I so do this. Well, I don't so much talk to myself as I talk to other people. I was driving in the grocery store parking lot this morning, and some lady decided to randomly make a u turn, in the parking lot, with me right behind her. As in, if I didn't stop, I would have run right into her. I yelled, "Ok SURE, just flip a fucking U-ie right in front of me! No problem! I'll wait!" Like she could hear me...which she totally couldn't.

Yeah, I'm a little crazy. That's only one example from today, I do it all the time. When I'm alone. Mostly.

pixiemama said...

The only time I GET to swear is when I'm in the car by myself. And I love to call people ass. Very gratifying...

My boys are Army Brats said...

I would like the jelly filled please! OMG that sounds so good! Grrrr you for telling that story when there's not a darn donut shop in this town! Not one I tell you! Not one single shop that I can go to drive through or run in and just have donuts looking at me. Grocery stores that sell donuts are not donut shops. They are grocery stores that sell donuts. Gas stations that pretend to have connections with Krispy Kreme...they lie! Now I need donut. A custard filled long john please....but wait...there's no where to get one here!! Thanks...I'm going to have chocolate withdraws soon. LOL

Kristin said...

I talk, yell and complain out loud in the car all the time. Not just when I am alone, but also when I have passengers. And the talking to myself is not reserved to the car - I talk to myself at home as well (and occasionally even when my husband is in the room). It's great. Glad to see I'm not the only one.

K in the Mirror said...

Yup, I totally do this. Especially cursing in the car when the kids aren't there. I have to get it out.

I also talk to myself while I'm shopping alone. Oh look! They have the good bagels!

Manic Mom said...

So here's how totally lame I am now. In the car on the way to get my hair done tonight, I yell:

You could move up; That'd be a nice thing to do!" to the person in front of me so I could take a right turn.

and then later, I ran into some traffic and I said, FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT!

And the lamest part? I had to write them down so I could come back here to tell you all the stupid things I say to myself out loud in my car. So now I'm going to be self-censoring myself in the car, saying in my brain, "Oh no, don't say that outloud. That is stupid to do!"

Michelle said...

Hmmm. You're right. I do talk aloud when alone in the car. To the radio hosts, too. And this is also about the only time I swear. Oops.

Eileen said...

I totally talk to myself. I find myself to be very interesting with lots of views on things.

Ms. R said...

oh, what I would give for a car to talk to myself in! Talking to yourself on the subway usually gets you a lot of stares and sometimes even a trip to Bellvue!

Mabunny said...

Oh yeah I talk to myself. I try to reason with myself. I yell at myself for having done something stupid. I try to agonize why people drive stupid ( not me...), and a whole other array of things, lol. We are our own worst company sometimes.

Melisa said...

I totally DO talk to myself in the car. Can't help it.

And your Dunkin Donuts man sounds a little like Seinfeld's Soup Nazi. Maybe you're ordering wrong. :)

March to the Sea said...

talking to one self if often times the best conversation right?

The Corradetti Clan said...

OMG, I love your blog. I talk to myself all the time. Thank God my twins are too young to now their mom is crazy!

J... said...

Um, yeah. Actually I talk to other people when I am in the car alone. I tell the person (who is most definitely not there) everything that is on my mind as well as the stuff that I am to scared (or smart) to say to their faces. I really let people have it...when I am in my car alone. And yeah, the expletives are always present.

Travis Erwin said...

Man, I miss Dunkin Donuts. Ours closed years ago and now so has Krispy Kreme.

twithhoney said...

I don't talk to myself in the car too often. Usually I have the opposite problem where I say things to other people but nothing comes out of my mouth. It stays in my head.

That's because I have to put up a brain-to-mouth barrier every day at work. I think through problems at my desk surrounded by coworkers in cubicle land. If I talk out loud it would be very disruptive.
When I leave work it takes a while before the brain-to-mouth connection starts working again.

Kate said...

I talk/mutter to myself all the time. In the car, I sing, curse at other drivers, and simply think out loud. Sometimes I rehearse conversations. I can't believe I actually admitted that.

At school I walk the halls muttering under my breath. Most of the time it's not that obvious (I hope), but sometimes I'm loud. Usually that's if I run into or drop something or walk the wrong way and have to turn around and go back. I should not be allowed to roam free.

Now I am craving donuts also. I just had a bunch of fillings put in so I'm waiting to not be numb but I am starving. Thanks! ;)

THopgood said...

Oh I do! Only somtimes I realize that I'm actually NOT alone. That causes problems when you're spewing explitives in front of little ears. Sometimes I just can't control myself.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Do you sigh and mutter too? I do. Oh, and I bought donuts today. I'm on the fitness wagon again tomorrow.

**singing** "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow!!!"

Colorado Writer said...

Oh my god....I'm laughing.

And I totally WANT A DONUT.

Robin said...

I don't swear so much but I do sing...loudly. The crowd of people (in my head) really enjoy it and no one can really see me in my car, can they?

Bina said...

Oh yea. I do it at home, in the car, at work. If I'm alone, and I get pissed at something I did or someone else did? I do it. And yes, it makes me feel SO much better. The funniest thing though is if I bump my elbow, or stub my toe, I'll say "FUCK! Stupid fucking door!" Yea, it's totally the doors fault I walked in to it, right???

Amanda said...

Manic I'm so used to thinking aloud for my kids (autism mum tip no.28) that my friends all think I'm nuts so it's not uncommon for me to be talking to the car...shouting at the radio? Don't get me started!!

Bree said...

I am just rolling on the floor laughing. Too funny! I'm constantly talking to myself. Usually its - What was I going to do? or another favorite - Why did I just come into this room? Oh and your other post about screaming at the kids - it just happens once in a while. Sometimes those brats just need it, ya know.

floridagirlinsydney said...

That's really funny. And I'm so with you on the no jelly donuts thing.
I came to you through another blog, can't remember which one!