Monday, August 16, 2010

FiRST DayS SuCK

I just dropped them off at school and am crying my eyes out. I've got no one here to even cry with. I left my babies at a school where they know no one. Just left them there. I took Diva to her line and tried to engage her in conversation with the one girl, asking her where she should put her backpack, gave her a kiss and watched her as she stuck herself to the wall in this dreadful heat, beads of sweat along her lip. She whispered to me that her backpack was filled and no one else's was. Everyone else was doing hand-clap games and parents were taking back-to-school pictures, reminiscing about the summer, and we had no one. I walked home as fast as I could, sweating my ass off, already in need of another shower, because of this god-forsaken heat, crying my eyes out.

I know what they're feeling in their minds, and in their hearts. They want normal. They want what they had. They want to not be scared. They want to be back in their old comfort zone. Of heading down Bobby Jones to the old bus stop, to their old friends, to MY old friends, where we knew everyone, where nothing was scary and things were familiar and there was no tension and uncertainty and things were calm, and your heart didn't have to beat extra hard with fear and not from excitement on your first day of school and when you walk into school, you know not a single soul, and you don't even know where you're supposed to put your things, or where the lunchroom is or what you need to do if you have to go to the bathroom, or where the freaking bathroom is even. Or how you're supposed to find your mom when school is out for the day even.

I just want it to be better. For them. For me. I want it to be less hard.

And oh my God, I just took a freaking shower at 7 a.m. and I seriously need another one because of the sweat dripping from me just from the short walk to their school.

And there's a dead headless bunny in our front yard.

15 comments:

Tiffany said...

I totally understand this and it sucks! I dealt with it last year, being the first time I ever dropped my girl off at school. I cried so hard. I hope they make friends quickly and come back home all excited! It will make it easier on you.... rough to be a mom and care SO much!

Shelley said...

I'm sorry Steph...I went through this last year and I know it sucks. I wish *I* was there to give you a hug. Try to relax today, treat yourself to something nice...and hopefully they'll come home with smiles and tell you what a great day they had. :)

morninglight mama said...

I haven't been on the Mom side of this, but as a kid we moved a lot, so I'm familiar with that first day of school in a new place feeling. It sucks yes, but it does pass, and friends will be made and new comfort zones will be developed.

Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you to help them through the suckiness!!!

Amy said...

It will be so much better tomorrow. Really. I promise. They'll have made friends and know their way around and it will be better.

Heidiopia said...

Oh, my heart is just aching for all of you. One of those times you just want to put them in a bubble and keep them safe from hurt and fear. I'm praying that you were able to stay busy today and they all had good days at school afterall. And this, too, shall pass. Hugs in the meantime.

Feisty Irish Wench said...

that just sucks mucho.

and the word verf? deduct
hope the first day suckola deducts itself quickly

The Poty's said...

I know how you're feeling. We decided to change my daughters preschool this year in hopes she'll learn more than silly songs. I felt so bad that she was already upset that her best little buddy wouldn't be returning to that school and then at the last minute we take her from the friends she had made there last year and stick her in a totally new enviroment. But, she's home now and seemed to do great today and even said she made new friends. I realize your kids are older and it's harder to make friends but they're resilient and I'm sure they'll do good too.

Randy said...

Probably small consolation, but here's my story. After attending the same school with the same friends from kindergarten through eighth, my parents stuck me in a private school (apparently, I'd somehow morphed into someone who was too good for public schools!). I SO DREADED the new school. Was scared sh*tless about it. But, you know what? In later years, when I looked back, I was so glad for the experience. Glad that I didn't stay all bundled up in my comfort zone (aka, my old school). Because real life's like that. There will be first days in college, first days on the new job...never ending first days. Your kids will be better off for surviving a big one at this age.

~L0SERM0M~ said...

Steph...I'm sorry to tell you this but we ALWAYS have something headless or bodyless in our front, back, under our deck, or in our driveway. I'm am DISGUSTED to say we have had this right at our front door before..It's a gift for us(from our cat, the murdering friggin feline) I am thinking it's not a gift for you, and if it is RUN, RUN FAR AWAY from Arizona!!! Big Daddy told me to blog about our "dead animal excursions", so when I get in the morbid bloggin mood I will do that..;) Just lettin ya know things could be worse, hell maybe they are worse since you don't even OWN a cat. HOLY SHIT...you DO have things worse...they are just showing up for NO reason. YIKES!!!!

Hope things start looking up in your life..especially the headless wildlife, cause if their lookin up then they HAVE to have heads right??? ((SHIVERS))

~l0serm0m~

Michelle said...

It will get better. I promise. For them, and for you. I've been through it a ton as a kid, and it was always hard the first day or three, but you adjust and get there.

They'll figure it out and make friends... and you will, too.

What is UP with headless bunnies though? Ewwww!

susancolebank said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Where the heck do you live, MM? I lived in AZ from birth do age 30 (including six years on the deserty edge of Ahwatukee) and never saw all these snakes and headless bunnies that you've been dealing with! (Although I was well acquainted with scorpions and centipedes, weirdly enough.)

-S.

Patty@NYC Girl at Heart said...

To know you is to love you...even if only through the blog world. I'm sure your kids will make friends. How was their first day?

Hang in there mamma! :)

sotheywillalwaysremember said...

I am so glad that it ended up ok at the end of the day. If I would have read this earlier, like yesterday I probably would have cried along with you. Being a teacher and having this weird, innate need to help all children who seem lost or sad I swear I would have just lost it like you did. I hope the rest of the week goes well. And for your sake and mine, (the so. cal desert is just as hot right now) I hope to God November gets her soon!
Nina

sotheywillalwaysremember said...
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Clueless_Mama said...

Reading your post made me feel so sad for you and your babies:( I remember what that heat used to be like. I hated it too.

I am so sorry that your kiddos had to start school being the new kids. I hope they had a terrific day and that tomorrow is even better....for all of you. You are in my thoughts.