Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Depression & Doubt

It's been a long while since I've blogged any personal stuff here. Lately it's all been book features and giveaways. MaNiC MoMMy used to be simply my personal blog but then it morphed into a book review blog. Today I'm feeling depressed and full of doubt. I quit my agents.

I thought that I would want to write about it, but as soon as I typed "I quit my agents" my hands stopped typing. Why am I telling you this? Do you care? Do you just want me to get back to the book reviews? It's so weird how depression can come as it does. Today I felt it. Hard. And I wondered if depression feels different for people. I suppose it does. Like how love must feel different for people. I wish I could describe how it feels to be depressed over not having an agent anymore and having to query to find another one. I know it's a stupid reason to feel depressed over, when there are so many harrowing things going on in the world. Who cares that I don't have an agent? I have my health, my family, general happiness, a roof over my head, food. I don't have an agent. I don't have a book deal.

But then I review ALL of these books. And yeah, I can get jealous. I think, "Why them? Why not me?" I've worked at this for 10 years now. I've written 3 full length novels. I've had to let my agents go because I felt it wasn't working the way I wanted an agent-author relationship to be working. And yeah, I have doubts that I did the wrong thing. But I wasn't happy. And I'm still not happy.

The only time I'm really happy is when I'm sitting in front of my laptop creating lives of people I make up in my head. What's wrong with the life I have that I need to create fake lives to be happy? That's an interesting question to ask myself. And of course, the above statement is NOT true. I'm happy other times, but writing is what I've always wanted to do. The only thing. I never wavered from that idea. That was it. The only thing.

So I don't know why it has to be so hard, and why there are so many obstacles. But there are, and I won't quit at it, and I'll battle this bout of depression and doubt, and move along to figure out the next phase.

In the meantime, I'll query more agents, try to find the right match for me. I know now what I don't want in an agent-author relationship. I know now what I DO want in an agent-author relationship. I know now that I have to SPEAK UP, and the agent works for me.

Since my latest book is done and there's no more writing for a while, I'm going to really try hard to focus on bringing you a bunch of books, more than usual, here. I've got a stack of them here that are great.

Losing Clementine by Ashley Ream is coming up. My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me by Hilary Winston is on the list. Jen Lancaster's If You Were Here is out in paperback soon and I'll be giving that away, and then her upcoming memoir Jeneration X is on its way. Sarah Pekkanen's These Girls is coming. Allison Winn Scotch's The Song Remains The Same is out in April too. I Couldn't Love You More by Jillian Medoff is in the lineup. Rainbow Rowell's Attachment comes out in paperback ... there are so many amazing books and I've got them all for you. If you can hang out for a while, they'll be all up on MaNiC MoMMy soon! Thanks for your support and for all the laughs you give me. I love reading your comments -- you don't know how often I'll read something and say out loud -- "ME TOO!" or I'll laugh at the comments you all leave. YOU all give me reasons to keep writing, and I'm forever grateful!

22 comments:

Charlie said...

Hey Manic, I love reading your "real life" blog posts, as well as your reviews. I hope you work your way through this sad time quickly and are able to move to a much happier place very soon.

Melissa said...

I hope you feel like your "normal" self again...I sometimes battle with the ups and downs and hate when the downs last longer than they should.

I always enjoy reading your blogs & reviews and hope great things will happen to you soon!

-tmd636

TaraUB said...

Hang in there Camper.

jdstec said...

I hope you find the perfect agent(s)

Lindsay Elizabeth said...

I do enjoy your real life posts and think it is wonderful that you're willing to put yourself out there-not something most people are comfortable doing.

I can totally see why you're depressed about not having an agent. I suspect you're depressed about what not having an agent means and its implications. I read your novella and really liked it. I'm not just saying that because I read your blog religiously and like you, but it was GOOD, written well, and engaging.

I have no doubt with the right agent, and you speaking your mind that you'll achieve your goal.

Smile!

keltban said...

I loved your short story! I wished it was longer! Hang in there! You'll find the right agent!

Kelly

Ncsuloges said...

Hang in there Steph! We have all had those moments of depression and self doubt. But you are a very talented author and I would love to read more of your work. I absolutely loved The Cellphone Lot and think about the characters often. You deserve a good agent who fits well with you. Please don't give up! I want to read more please. Are there others we can reAd on amazon? Anything I can do? Write a review or something?

CAnative66 said...

I love reading about your everyday events. The book giveaways are just a really nice added bonus. Your novella was really good and I enjoyed reading it and would also read more of your writing.

I know nothing about getting an agent and the task sounds daunting. Having said that I imagine it's much like dating? You will have to "kiss" a lot of frogs before you find your prince (or in this case maybe princess). You seem to have a lot of strength and determination and once you find your perfect match (and you will) you will be all the happier you made the decision to quit your current agent. Stay strong.

Nicole

Katie said...

Depression and doubt is a feeling that I am very familiar with. I really hope that you get back to feeling normal again soon. I do enjoy reading about your real life as well as the book reviews. Blogging is a great outlet!

SnarkyMommy said...

Your nee agent is out there just waiting for you!

cindy r said...

Steph,

Depression is a disease I am intimately involved with on a daily basis. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, especially if that means seeing a Doctor. This is nothing to fool around with. All of your readers should take that to heart, as well.

Maybe it's time to start thinking about self-publishing. Take control of YOUR destiny. You can continue to send out queries, but why not take the steps you did to self-pub The Cellphone Lot with one of your novels? It's just an idea! This way you'll feel empowered and not be waiting around for someone else. That's what I'm doing with my novel.

Good luck. We love you.

Cindy in Miami

Kimmi said...

Stephanie, don't ever discount something that's making you unhappy as insignificant, in comparison to all the other harrowing things there are to worry about. Everyone's got their somethin' and if your somethin' is rearing it's ugly head, then it's best to deal with it head on.

Writing is obviously your passion, so please don't stop pursuing it. The right agent is out there waiting for you and with persistence, you'll find him/her. Never give up.

My best to you!

robynn78 said...

My husband just went to the doctor & was diagnosed with major depression.. I knew something was up when he commented to me he hated that I smiled, and I was trying to always see the good in things.. Depression is not fun for the person, or the spouse! I felt like a big piece of crap for not seeing it sooner, and how he was treating me because of his depression, I tell you though once he got on meds, he is a completely different man.. I hope you work through this, and its not as severe as my hubby,, I wouldnt wish it on anyone, it's definitely not fun! :o(

Melissa said...

Hang in there. If you felt the relationship was not helpful to get you where you need to be, you did the right thing. In the meantime, glad to do promotional stuff for you whenever you need it! :)

Read Baby Read said...

On the day I've been served my pink slip as a teacher, I can relate. All I know is...it does get better. It might be a snail's pace, but it does get better. Good things will happen for you! Thanks for the blog. xo

Amelia said...

You will get your dream agent. I am looking forward to the day I will be able to buy 40 weeks

Joelle said...

I'm glad that you kept typing away on this post and hope that it will help you to take that next big step forward. You did something that most people can't...you realized things weren't working and you changed it. I can't imagine how scary it is but know you made the right decision and I'm sending lots of hugs your way.

your invisible pixie said...

I enjoy everything you write. Including the cell phone lot! I just finished it and it was so sweet and fun that I just loved it! Hang in there.

equinn726 said...

Thinking of you. Putting your thoughts and feelings out there can be really therapeutic. I love your blog and your writing. I'm praying that you find the right agents to compliment your style.

Sslinsky said...

You have to do what is best for you!! Love reading EVERYTHING you write.

Sarah

Dawn in CA said...

Steph,
I've been reading your blog for years, and was so excited for you with the debut of your novella..(which I loved!)...I feel like we are kindred spirits and I wish we lived in the same city so we could vent, laugh, and encourage each other. You are a talented writer and destined to for great things. Please continue to share the journey with us...the good, the bad, and the ugly. :)

Dawn

EBrowning said...

Don't give up...I had to wait a while before landing my dream job and I think it just made me appreciate it more. You know what you're meant to do...stick with it! I have a feeling it's all going to pay off for you someday! :)