It's been a long while since I've blogged any personal stuff here. Lately it's all been book features and giveaways. MaNiC MoMMy used to be simply my personal blog but then it morphed into a book review blog. Today I'm feeling depressed and full of doubt. I quit my agents.
I thought that I would want to write about it, but as soon as I typed "I quit my agents" my hands stopped typing. Why am I telling you this? Do you care? Do you just want me to get back to the book reviews? It's so weird how depression can come as it does. Today I felt it. Hard. And I wondered if depression feels different for people. I suppose it does. Like how love must feel different for people. I wish I could describe how it feels to be depressed over not having an agent anymore and having to query to find another one. I know it's a stupid reason to feel depressed over, when there are so many harrowing things going on in the world. Who cares that I don't have an agent? I have my health, my family, general happiness, a roof over my head, food. I don't have an agent. I don't have a book deal.
But then I review ALL of these books. And yeah, I can get jealous. I think, "Why them? Why not me?" I've worked at this for 10 years now. I've written 3 full length novels. I've had to let my agents go because I felt it wasn't working the way I wanted an agent-author relationship to be working. And yeah, I have doubts that I did the wrong thing. But I wasn't happy. And I'm still not happy.
The only time I'm really happy is when I'm sitting in front of my laptop creating lives of people I make up in my head. What's wrong with the life I have that I need to create fake lives to be happy? That's an interesting question to ask myself. And of course, the above statement is NOT true. I'm happy other times, but writing is what I've always wanted to do. The only thing. I never wavered from that idea. That was it. The only thing.
So I don't know why it has to be so hard, and why there are so many obstacles. But there are, and I won't quit at it, and I'll battle this bout of depression and doubt, and move along to figure out the next phase.
In the meantime, I'll query more agents, try to find the right match for me. I know now what I don't want in an agent-author relationship. I know now what I DO want in an agent-author relationship. I know now that I have to SPEAK UP, and the agent works for me.
Since my latest book is done and there's no more writing for a while, I'm going to really try hard to focus on bringing you a bunch of books, more than usual, here. I've got a stack of them here that are great.
Losing Clementine by Ashley Ream is coming up. My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me by Hilary Winston is on the list. Jen Lancaster's If You Were Here is out in paperback soon and I'll be giving that away, and then her upcoming memoir Jeneration X is on its way. Sarah Pekkanen's These Girls is coming. Allison Winn Scotch's The Song Remains The Same is out in April too. I Couldn't Love You More by Jillian Medoff is in the lineup. Rainbow Rowell's Attachment comes out in paperback ... there are so many amazing books and I've got them all for you. If you can hang out for a while, they'll be all up on MaNiC MoMMy soon! Thanks for your support and for all the laughs you give me. I love reading your comments -- you don't know how often I'll read something and say out loud -- "ME TOO!" or I'll laugh at the comments you all leave. YOU all give me reasons to keep writing, and I'm forever grateful!