Saturday, December 22, 2007

All I Want for Christmas

OK, if asked what I want for Christmas, the first two honest answers I’m gonna give are diamond earrings the size of quarters, and a laptop. But ideally, what I really want is a thoughtful gift. A thoughtful gift to me is something that requires THOUGHT. You know, something the gift-giver needs to THINK ABOUT. Not something the gift-giver needs to rush out the weekend before Christmas in a flurry of excitability in hopes of finding the most perfect-smelling candle (which, as a sidenote, whether it be a candle, or just a smell in general, I am drawn to these families of smells: cinnamons, citruses, peppermint. Aren’t those just divine scents?)

Anyway. Thoughtful gifts. Not candles. Although, if a candle in one of the above families of scents were to come prettily wrapped, I would be delighted, and rush to light it, and be happy to sit in the glow of the flickering glimmer and be happy. Not that it’s particularly thoughtful, but if it didn’t arrive in musk or floral scent or those heavy dark and warm odors that give me headaches, I would light it and bask in the glow and the smell and be happy and thankful.

Other thoughtful gifts might include pretty stationery, notepads, journals, things for my office because I love to write, love to be in my work space, love to be surrounded by pretty things that inspire me to write. And books. Obviously, I love books. But books are very hard to pick out for me. I am very picky when it comes to selecting books for me as gifts. Your best bet is a bookstore gift card, and I for one, will never, ever look a gift card in the horse’s mouth. Or however that saying goes.

Now, this post is starting to sound greedy, and it’s not intended to be so. It’s meant to be humorous, and I’ve got a story to share. So, I told Mr. Manic, all I wanted was some sort of thoughtful gift; after, of course, telling him my first choices would be the diamond earrings and/or the laptop, which we both laughed because we are so not extravagant gift-givers.

The other night, he said, “I think I’ve got a couple things figured out for you for Christmas.”

“Are they thoughtful?” I asked. Because, of course, I have already chosen, purchased, and wrapped quite a few thoughtful gifts, not only for him, but also for his three children, his parents, my parents, his grandmother, my grandmother, his siblings, my siblings, etc. etc. etc. etc. You get the picture. Loud and clear. Yeah. Thought so. Thoughtful.

“Are they thoughtful?” I asked again.

“Well, I think you might be offended by one of them.”

“Offended?!” I paused to think about this. Why on earth would somebody, a spouse even, want to give you a gift that would offend you? Who does this? This sounds like a Seinfeld episode! OMG, I wish Seinfeld was still ON! I could submit this for an episode! It could be Jerry and Elaine discussing this very topic!

So, I start thinking about gifts to offend. “OK, I think I’ve got an idea, but I don’t want to say it in case I’m right.”

“Say it.” He says.

“Hmmm… A PERSONAL TRAINER!”

“No, but that’s a good idea.” He said.

“For the record, I would not be offended if you got me some personal trainer sessions for Christmas.” I reply.

Our day went on, and we didn’t discuss it further. In the back of my mind, I really didn’t think he’d get me sessions with a personal trainer because that is quite expensive, and I’m already “working on my fitness” via the health club, and yoga twice a week, and Weight Watchers (where I lost .08 this week and am now officially down 5.6 pounds DURING THE TOUGHEST TIME OF YEAR TO EVER DIET!) So, I pretty much wrote off the personal trainer thing, which was fine with me.

But last night, I was upstairs, and it came to me suddenly and I KNEW what the offending gift was. I just KNEW it, and without even saying anything, I thought to myself, “It so better NOT be what I think it IS going to be, because it would be the most non-thoughtful gift EVER!”

I went downstairs and I said, “I just figured out what your offending gift is.”

“What do you think it is?”

“I DEFINITELY don’t want to say it. But I’ll write it on a sheet of paper and when I open the gift on Christmas morning, I’ll hand you the sheet of paper with what I wrote down and then you’ll know I knew.”

“Just tell me what you think it is but don’t look at me and I won’t look at you when you say what it is.”

I’m laughing and he’s laughing because we’re both freakishly convinced we both know what we know what it is. Because we do, and I’m like, Dear God. Puhlease. Get some creativity.

And I go: “It’s a low-sodium cookbook and don’t even wrap it, and you might as well return it right now.”

And he goes: “Am I that predictable after 15 years?”

“Yup.”

Two things to consider here:

I HATE to cook.

HE'S the one on the low-sodium diet.

23 comments:

Melisa said...

You had me at "diamond earrings the size of quarters"!!! ROFL!

That is so funny that you guessed what he got for you. I do the same thing sometimes, and I actually HATE when I do that because while I enjoy being nosey and sniffing out clues on certain things, gifts aren't one of those things.

I hope he takes it back and gets you something thoughtful, like diamond earrings the size of quarters!


Melisa
Suburban Scrawl
and
Remembering Ruby

Melissa said...

Oh no he didn't!! For that I think he needs to get you diamonds the size of a 50 cent piece. Sheesh!

Rebecca said...

I think men have some kind of chromosomal defect that makes them get gifts for others that are really about them. Like the time husbie gave me the DVD player HE had really been wanting. When I called him on it, he said,"But at least I wrapped it!" My male counterpart also has a problem getting the wrapping part together! But I love him anyway. I should also add that he does most of the cooking and cleaning - so I should really shut up right about now!

Swishy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ...

I can totally picture the whole conversation. HOW FUNNY.

ORION said...

okay so I'm sitting next to my husband and I read him the entire post and we both laughed but he got this worried look on his face because...you guessed it...he has been accused of this very thing.
Like the time I unwrapped a bicycle helmet from him to me for christmas- uh - I don't ride a bike.
But, he said, you ride horses and isn't this better than your show helmet? 70 % of riding fatalities are head injuries..
I'm SO into diamond earrings...

Secretmom said...

this totally cracked me up!

Barrie said...

Yikes. A low-sodium cookbook is NOT a thoughtful gift It is not a gift at all. It is a chore. He might as well give you a mop and a bottle of Mr. Clean.

Go for the diamonds AND the personal trainer AND the bookstore gift card AND the nice-smelling candles. No, no, this is not greedy. These are all items that would provide material for future blogs. Thus providing entertainment for us. Which would actually be selfless on your part.

I thank you in advance... :)

Irene said...

That IS too funny. That is like my husband's gift one year of white cotton socks. Which he bought because I take his too often.

This year, we decided only small gifts (like $20), but I decided NOT to leave it up to chance. I wrote him a very detailed list of $20 options.

Maybe we should just buy our own gifts and wrap them. No surprises, but at least no disappointment.

violetvirus said...

MM, you never fail to make me laugh! I could go for days without reading your blog and when I drop in, there's always something better and funnier! How do you do it?!

Anyways, he's thoughtful, alright...it's just he was being thoughtful for d wrong person! rofl...

I think Irene's a great idea...

I might not be logging in on Christmas..so, here's wishing you an advance...

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you get a thoughtful gift from Mr. Manic!

Monnik said...

oh man. funny stuff!

Weird that you and I have the EXACT same taste in candle scents. Right down to the 'heavy dark scents that give me a headache'.

Merry Christmas, Manic!

Carrie Wilson Link said...

So relatable. At least you can laugh about it, whether or not you can actually forgive such ignorance!

Manic Mom said...

Melisa--I am certain diamond earrings are not happening, they're just my every-year wish list. I do have diamond earrings, they're just not the size of quarters!

Melissa with Two S's... 50-cent piece diamond earrings would be way over the top! WOW!

Rebecca--Now that I think about it, I guess I've been guilty of this type of gift-giving--for his birthday this year, I gave him bath towels, but that's stuff WE NEEDED!

Pat--I LOVE that you read your husband the whole post! And the bike helmet--he was probably just concerned for your safety. I think that's WAY more thoughtful than a low-sodium cookbook!

Barrie--YOU had ME cracking up with the mop and Mr. Clean comment!

Irene--I've given him socks before! And you reminded me of the Valentine's where we set a limit of $20 and we could only spend it at Target, and we had to buy as many gifts as we could, and they had to be THOUGHTFUL gifts for one another. THAT was fun, and creative!

And OF COURSE, I DO BUY MY OWN GIFTS and wrap them, I don't leave the day to CHANCE! I have bought my own blanket from Restoration Hardware, and a book which I have wrapped--NOT A LOW-SODIUM COOKBOOK EITHER!!!

Monnik--don't you LOVE those flavors! I love grapefruit, orange, lemony, peppermints, cinnamon, kitchen spices, etc. Those are just so good!

Carrie--I forgive the ignorance, I'm used to it. I'm sure he has come up with a couple creative things. I hope so anyway.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Now, I must go because I am hosting a neighborhood party tonight. Why? I have no idea?

Kate said...

LMAO! Hubby and I don't officially do occasion gifts anymore, but he is very thoughtful. I'll take that and remember it when I think about how he gave me flowers for the VERY FIRST TIME this summer--after 6.5 years together. Keeping perspective and a sense of humor seems to be the key to being happy. Hopefully we'll still have them when we've been together 15 years.

Hurrah for the continued weight loss! This time of year is just loaded with naughty foods and drinks.

Dim said...

Hey Manic,

Hope you and your fams have a great Christmas!

- D.

Colorado Writer said...

Hope you get something good. The cookbook is just...wah!

I know for a fact that my hubby bought me 2 things...1 from Borders and 1 from The Container Store. The rest I bought for myself and wrapped it. It's better this way. Trust me.

The first Christmas we were married I got some purple candles, a between the knees geriatric pillow and a massage pad for a chair.

kay said...

have a merry, merry Christmas manic!!!

hope you get all that you ask for!

Patti said...

merry christmas manic mommy!

kim said...

Merry Christmas Manic and family!

eatmisery said...

Happy Holidays!

Tanya said...

My husband is good about giving me good gifts. He just has a hard time keeping them secret. :D

example: I had asked for a new pair of headphones. I told him I wanted green, blue or white, to match my MP3 player. He ordered them online, then later that day, he calls me to the computer screen. He then puts the picture on the screen, then takes it off really quick and asks if I like the color.

TTQ said...

I got a alarm clock with acd player in it, like that would make me want to get out of bed in the morning. Six years of that asshole waking me up. Glad I met Honey. He buys shiny baubles for me to wear..

Andrea said...

LOL! That is hilarious!

And I'm with you on the candle scents... :)

Shelley said...

I was sitting on my bed with my laptop, reading this. Hubby was lying next to me watching TV. At the end of the post, I started giggling hysterically. He wondered what was so funny. So I read him the post. How surprising that he didn't really get why I thought it was so funny. ;)

I also have been known to buy and wrap my own gifts. At least I know I'm getting what I want!