Thursday, March 05, 2009

eSSuRe & THe VaJiGiTY

My vagina has a cul-de-sac.

A lovely little pocket that one of my old OBs from when I gave birth must have thought it would have been fun to create. He must have been bored after I pushed out my nine-pound, four-ounce bundle of daughter and decided, hmmm, let’s make a cul-de-sac in here.

I wonder if it has a name, like Uterus Court or Ovarian Corner. You know, a quaint little out-of-the-way place in the neighborhood where everyone thinks it’s most desirable to live. The spot in the subdivision where the kids can play without getting run over by the traffic in the ‘hood.

How do I know this?

Something was residing in it and the doctor found it yesterday, and it was cotton and had a string attached and was not so pleasant smelling. Yep, a tampon. Go ahead, I’ll wait while you all gross out for a while. It wasn’t in there very long, at most 36 hours or so. And since I had an internal ultrasound the day previous, I’m sure that was the ‘mass’ the chick discovered floating next to my ovary that looked suspicious.

So, yeah, that’s how my Essure procedure began yesterday. Well, not quite. It began with me waking up and taking my shower and thinking, “This is the last shower I will ever take knowing I will be able to procreate.”

And this morning's shower I thought, “This is the first shower I have taken knowing I will never be able to procreate.”

Does your mind work like that? Mine does.

So, yesterday before I leave for the doctor, I take half a Xanax, as they instruct me to do, and we all know I am a Xanax-taking pro, except for this time in Cabo which was bad, bad, bad!

And then I take the other half when I arrive there.

I love, love, love the nurse, Mary, who I still love, even though she gives me some shot in the ass and informs me, “YOU HAVE HORRIBLE STRETCH MARKS.” That is EXACTLY what she says. And yes, she is looking at my hips and ass area.

But I don’t know if it’s her personality, or the Xanax, but I still love her. She tells me stretch marks are hereditary, which I already know, and she tells me she has varicose veins, which are hereditary too, probably to make me feel better. So I bend down to show her I do not have varicose veins, and I do in fact have very HOT legs that are varicose-vein free (I think that’s the Xanax kicking in, me bragging about my own legs).

She asks me if I have ever met Dr. O, and I tell her no. She tells me he is a hottie. I am excited to meet Dr. O Hottie. But she tells me not to tell him that she said he’s a hottie. I should tell on her after she said I had horrible stretch marks though right?

But when he comes in, she’s right. He’s hot. I’m glad. And I still like Mary. I ask Dr. O if he has ever considered being a newscaster because he is so thorough in detailing what will happen, and also he has great newscaster hair. Not like Matt Lauer, who probably at one time had great newscaster hair. I don't mention his great hair out loud, at least I don't think I do.

I tell Dr. O that when he yanks out my IUD I would like to keep it as a souvenir. And I ask him if anyone has ever asked to keep their IUD. I’ve had mine in since 2003. He says no one has ever asked to keep it. He was going to wash it off for me but I told him not to. I wanted to see if there was any gunk on it. Cuz I’m weird like that. It’s not too yucky. Do you all want me to post a photo on here? I can also post a picture of my fallopian tubes pre-Essure-procedure and post-Essure-procedure on here if you like. Cuz I watched the whole thing happen on the TV. Like a Discovery Channel show.

And I felt the whole thing happen too. It was kinda weird. I felt the tube thingy snake up into my fallopian tubes and then they let this little springy thing loose in my tubes. Dr. Hottie showed it to me first. It actually looked like the spring from a Bic pen. You know the kind that you would take apart in grade school when you were really bored and then you’d get blue splotchy ink all over your hands and your teacher would yell at you for playing around with your pen and then she’d yell for you to go wash your hands and then you’d secretly grin on your way to the bathroom cuz you got outta class anyway? Those kinda springs.

That’s what it looks like and now that’s inside my body. Two of them. And whenever I need to get an MRI I have to show them this special card that says I have some funky stuff inside my body. But, they won't make the machines go off in the airport. Drat.

And scar tissue will form over them in three months and prevent any swimmers from getting all up in my stuff to make babies. And that’s good because I’ll be 40 in one month and nine days and I don’t want to be chasing any little babies around in my 40s.

Last night, I did get a little weepy though, thinking that’s it. No more babies. I love, love, love, cherish, adore, worship my three precious, wonderful, awesome children that I have though. They are my life!

When I got home, I slept for four hours, and Mr. Manic took really good care of me, because well, of course, I took really good care of his nuggets. He will not have to smell his nuts ever burning. He will not ever have to have his feet in the stirrups. That BASTARD, do I love him or what?

But here’s the thing. And this is how I can make sure to make his life a living hell if he ever crosses me:

If he decides someday to ditch my ass and marry a 20-something with fake tits and way, way blond hair who wants to have his baby someday, well, I’ll let him have her. Because guess what? I will be laughing at his 60-year-old self running around with a freaking toddler of his own while I’m a divorcee doing what I want to do, living my life the way I want to live while he’s got a demanding bitchy young wife who doesn’t know the first thing about motherhood and he’s a 60-year-old dad!

Hahahahahah! Because that’s when his nuts will really be in the chopper!

Don’t forget to come back to Manic Mommy tomorrow for FiVe-BuCK FRiDaY where I’ll ask a fun question and the winner will receive Five Dollars just for the heck of it!

35 comments:

Rebecca said...

Laughed out loud and he's a lucky man.

I'm also prescribing you a little chocolate.

Anonymous said...

Were you drunk when you wrote this or still on Xanax? Funny as heck but I hear a voice when I read this speaking a mile a minute.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Totally sober while writing this post this a.m. And I had four thin mints and a vitamuffin chocolate muffin top this a.m. so there's that chocolate fix!

Christine in NJ said...

LOL!!!! Love - LOVE your writing! Great post! - and I totally hear ya on ALL FRONTS!... I'm all for seeing some pictures!!!

Your kids AND husband are lucky to have you!

Christine

The Gang's Momma said...

LOL - what pheromone are you giving off that makes people say these things to you?! And how ON XANAX can you be so "quick on your feet" with the comebacks? On my best days, all I can muster is a snarky response that makes no sense to anyone but me. Humph.

And what the heck is wrong with Matt's hair? He's fine. Just fine the way he is! So there.

Monnik said...

Oh Manic. I am soooo in love with you. This post is awesome from start to finish.

My Two Army Brats said...

Too funny! I have never heard of Essure. Sound promising and much better than cutting, burning, and gutting.

You really kept the IUD? Weird. I asked to see my gall bladder when it was removed but it's not on a shelf on display. Maybe it should've been...

Hope ya get through the next three months without any accidents...... oh right I'm not supposed to say that am I?

weird...my word verification is chili...hmmm

Melisa with one S said...

Totally hilarious. Only you can make a procedure like that so flippin funny that I actually forget it's a somewhat serious subject/procedure!

Question: Where are you going to store your IUD, and are you going to leave it to your children someday?

Also, come to Suburban Scrawl today if you get a chance. I have a feeling that, with the mood you're in, you'll like my post for today.

kelli said...

I can't believe you posted about your vaginal cul-de-sac on your blog! Brave lady. And very, very funny. :)

Jaimie said...

That is too funny! Hope hubby appreciates what you did for him... Oh, I "friended" you on Facebook - just so you know I'm not a stalker...well okay I am a little!

Jenn said...

I'm not too sure where you vaginal cul-de-sac came from but I can assure you it's located in the "cunt"ry.

Kim Stagliano said...

Oh, shit. That means just ten years, 1 month and a few days before your first colonoscopy. I'm booking that day as OUT OF OFFICE on my calendar RIGHT NOW (clicking to 2019 calendar.)

;)

Kim Stagliano said...

Jenn - you win. I don't know what you win. But you do. Hands down. Thanks for the laugh.

Jenn said...

Kim,
You are welcome. I was worried some might think my comment vular but I just could not resist.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Jenn, you do not know how hard I laughed at that one. THis is one of the times I sooo wish computers came with a little device where I could have recorded my laughter spontaneously and then attached it to the comment section, like had I known I was gonna laugh that hard, I would have recorded it for you!

And Kim, already had one a few years back and that was before I ever blogged so you don't get to read about that, lucky you!

Kate said...

Such a funny post and I am loving the comments! I think that men who run off with younger bimbettes and then spend their golden years chasing after another set of kids get a whole lotta poetic justice.

morninglight mama said...

Oh Manic, you had me at 'cul-de-sac.'

You just slay me, you know that, right??

MaBunny said...

Glad that all went well!
Had to laugh at the post though...

Sue said...

OMG, I am not sure I comprehended a word after the fact that you had a tampon stuck in you without knowing it. Are you sure it couldn't have been in there for 36 days?

Heidi said...

Hey Steph, I'm glad everything went OK. I think we must use the same OBGYN because there is a hottie Dr. O at my office, too! You are cracking me up about the cul-de-sac. Your hubby better appreciate what you did for him!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

my hubby loves his vasectomy! lol men are so silly at times... there is no nut burning mike has gold clips in his sacks... that clip off the swimmers LOL.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Hmmm, gold clips. that's a new one.

Heidi--Hobson Medical Center?

Heidi said...

Yup. I see Dr. R at that practice. There is a nurse named Cathy who is my favorite one there because she let me remove my shoes before being weighed each time. None of the others would let me take them off.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

OMG, that is sooo funny Heidi! I always take off my shoes, sunglasses, sweatshirt, everything! I don't know Dr. R. I've seen Jossa ... But now I kinda wish I was going to the OB more often to see Dr. O! O ... BOY!
I usually see the P.A Michelle P. who I LOVE. SHe's so cool. Why are we communicating on my comments when I could just email you. Duh?

Michelle said...

Congrats... although technically since it takes three months for the scar tissue to grow to stop the swimmers, does that mean that today wasn't REALLY your first shower unable to procreate?

Can't wait to see what Five Buck Friday is :)

Kim Stagliano said...

Laura=Peach - your husband has bling in his balls? That's WHACK! (Is that a hippity hop term? I hope so. What do I know?)

Chris said...

Glad to hear your procedure went well! You are such a good wife! My husband had the big V two months after our fourth child was born. On the day he got the green light that there were no more swimmers he walked in the door from work and said..."Would you like to try my new penis?" I know...he's so romantic!

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MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Chris, that is HILARIOUS! How'd it work out for ya? ; )

chenlu ... you and your spam can DIE!

Chris said...

Pretty good!! ;)

Eileen said...

The way your brain works amazes me.

Dawn said...

OK, Manic, you're not supposed to take the Xanax while blogging.
You crack me up as usual!
Glad it all went well. :)

Anonymous said...

When it's time for a colonoscopy...please warn me Not to "read all about it"! I do enjoy most of the sexual escapades though. 1-4-3

Anonymous said...

Jenn, I am Manics MOMMY! I cracked up when I read your response!! I told my daughter that I'm pretty sure are many "ball" parks in the country and be very careful not to "prick" your fingers on any barbed wire fences!! Nana Banana

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Mom, I already had a colonoscopy. Duh.