I have been bad at blogging. I have been bad at a lot of things lately - mothering, housewifing, cleaning, smiling, living, being cheerful. I'm, to quote a really good friend I saw over the weekend ... "you're not yourself."
And I've known this. I've gone to the doctor, who drew blood and decided I was borderline anemic and had a Vitamin B deficiency. I've just been tired, exhausted and cranky.
But as I write this, I'm not so tired, exhausted, and cranky. Well, I'm always tired. I always say I could live my days sleeping for 12 hours at night with a two-hour nap, but that wouldn't be all that great now would it? I'd miss out on a lot of stuff.
But lately, it seems like I'm missing out on a lot of stuff. I'm going through the motions.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you're just GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS?
I'm not unhappy. I'm flatlined. And there's absolutely no reason for me to be this way. I've self-diagnosed myself, calling it a new disease, the Crabby Ass Bitch disease, aka CAB disease, of which you cannot control your crabbiness, assiness, or bitchiness; it just soars out of you without knowing it's coming ... BAM! You're hit with the CAB syndrome.
Some of my friends who've approached 40 have mentioned this is not uncommon and they've felt it too. It's NORMAL.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
This feeling of this way is NOT NORMAL!
I'll tell you exactly how I feel.
I feel like I'm 12 again. Waiting for my period to start, with hormones raging and rage firing up and anger and crabbiness shooting out of me for no other reason than there's no other place for these feelings to go but OUT OF ME.
Is this normal? Tell me there are others of you out there that have felt this way and that I'm not really a freak?
Like, today, my awesome girlfriends took me out in anticipation of my upcoming birthday and we had an awesome day -- hot stone pedicures with champagne, cheese, crackers, fruit, and then a great lunch out. We had the best time. But at lunch I told them, the thing that would make everything right for me ... this is the solvent to all of my problems ...
I have to make myself take a shower every morning.
THAT is all it will take. If I simply get my ass out of bed each morning and take a freaking shower, my life will be better. That is the secret to a good life. A morning shower. I am now convinced of it.
Nothing is hard for me. I make things extreme. A fucking load of laundry -- holy shit, you'd think I was asked to create a seven-layer cake for the Queen of England and then feed it to her with a fork. Laundry is NOT HARD, yet why do I act as if it is the worst chore in the world?
And food. For my family. What is so freaking hard about putting some food onto a plate to feed the people I most love?
All of these acts of kindness, these things that I'm not really required to do, but I have agreed to do by entering into a FAMILY as a mother and caregiver, well, why do they seem so monsterous to figure out how to manage it all? It's simple. Really.
My life is so freaking simple it is a joke. And the best way to simplify it, to make every single day a joyous living life-giving, loving one should be easy to manage. I should just start each day out with some water. On my head. To clear it out and wash it off and clean it up. Cuz I'm a fucking mess, am I not? Clean me up!
~ ~ ~ ~
PS--Wanna know how our spring break was? Staycationing IS NOT FUN!
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21 comments:
I'm a huge believe of something in motion staying in motion. Sometimes when I slow down I suddenly find myself mired and can't get anything done- and then when I'm busy I can finish a huge to-do list. If I can get started I stay moving. Plus I feel all smug with the things I finished.
I would like to join the CAB support group that I assume you will be soon starting. I qualify by your descriptions here-- if you made a checklist out of the symptoms, I'm pretty sure that I would be 99%er.
I feel your pain, and GOD do I know what you mean about a morning shower. If I have time to shower and make my hair look semi-decent before my full-time, all-f'ing-day job begins, then it always seems like things go more smoothly than if I have to get 'right on the floor' without that shower... funny, huh?
Just another post that makes me wish you lived in MD-- we could totally hang out and be crabby, assy AND bitchy together. :)
Morninglight--I actually felt the smile spread across my face when I finished reading your comment. Like REALLY felt it. I think we would rock at being CAB gals! xo
Eileen--I think you are so right--I NEED TO STAY IN MOTION and fixated. I need some goals I think.
Thanks for your input guys. Feeling less effed up already!
I don't know what it is about 40, but you just described exactly the way I've been feeling for about a year now. I do stuff, but I don't feel like I'm really enjoying anything. There's a lot going on right now with a move and stuff, but even before that I was feeling this way. I've come to the conclusion that 40 BLOWS. I don't care what Oprah says. She doesn't have three kids making demands on her all the time. Plus she has a gazillion dollars. What were we talking about? Oh yes...sign me up for the CAB support group too.
Sorry you are having such a crab-assy time of it lately. I hope you feel better soon - or come to some other realization of why you are feeling like that. I think we all go through this once or twice in our lifetimes. Hope everything works itself out soon for you!
Thank you for pretending you wrote this so none of my friends will ever know it was secretly me. Wasn't I brilliant with my diagnosis of a new disease? I can't wait for the royalties to start rolling in. Ahem.
You got hot stone pedicures with champagne? Nice! And ummm is it bad that I went to work today without taking a shower? I showered yesterday afternoon. And at 5:40am, I just couldn't get out of bed.... Shhh don't tell. I felt weird about it all day.
I have been in the same mood and I think in my case it is because of a reluctant Spring. I need fresh air, flowes, birds chirping and LIFE outside.
Stayacations are overrated, you might need a girls weekend away. Maybe a short trip to Florida or a weekend away with your husband. Indulge yourself.
Oh and a hot stone pedicure sounds fabulous.
I have felt like this as well. And I'm all for joining the CAB support group. I don't think it's something that just happens to you at 40, because if it is, I'm in a whole host of trouble as I have early onset CAB disease.
I found that the best thing for me was to get out and do something nice for someone else (who not related to me in any way). I volunteer with Special Olympics and getting out with them is always a treat for me. I know the people that I am working with are being helped and we are having a good time too. It helps me get back into my own life and start tackling everything that I found so mundane.
And I agree with Just A Girl In GA...it's always nice to do something for yourself as well. You deserve a treat after your Spring Break.
As a side note - the word verification for this post is "demon." :)
OK, cracked up at the word verification of DEMON! Hilarious!
ANd actually, along the lines of what Girl in GA says, next week I am going away somewhere with my hubby, ALONE, just the two of us for my birthday, but I have no idea, well, sort of no idea, where we are going, except that it's to a beach and I need a passport. However, I cannot feel excited about it because there's too much to do before then. See, another problem of CAB disorder. How ungrateful and bitchy can one person be!??!!?
The older I get the more time I want to myself. Not even with hubby...just me. The kids go to their fathers every other weekend and I try to make the best of the weekends the kids are here but I really look forward to the days that I can have some time to myself. Even if it is just to catch up on TV, eat some forbidden food without people staring and shaking their finger at me, or trying to do one of my hobbies...I love it when I have one day off from work. I have always had your back, Manic, you and I are bonded by the trip, but I know how you feel,just at a milder stage. I would be over the edge like you if my kids lived with me full time and hubby was always around...*hugs*
HOLY SHIT. I have made a dr. appt. for next week for the exact same feelings. I will be 40 in Sept. and all of a sudden it's like life has passed me by. nothing is enjoyable anymore.
It's like I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING, but it never comes.
I took a quiz online and it points to thyroid disease. DUR. My mother, her sis and all the girls on that side of the fam have had thyroid probs.
Have you had your thyroid checked?
If it is not a thyroid problem, then I guess I better join CAB and get a prescription for Lexapro.
Steph--yep, I am on synthroid for my thyroid. DOes it make us all feel better that we're ALL having CAB disorder!? I wonder if there's a real name for it? Is this really PERIMENOPAUSE, cuz it sucks!
you are not alone..between FB and Twitter I haven't been doing much blogging. Not sure if its the time of year or what..i want to get back to more than one-two times a week..bah!
PERIMENOPAUSE? Oh crap.
March--I guess "we're all in this together?"
And I was bummed that Zac is no longer doing Footloose! Wahhhh!
Ironic that my blog post tonight was entitled "Tired and Cranky" and I hear ya but I have no answers, I'm too damn tired and cranky. I've heard drugs work well. Celexa anyone? And I know too that you WILL have fun on your surprise trip that requires a passport so is probably someplace AWESOME once you get there. Once you shop and clean and pack and get the kids ready and settled and plans made and . . . phew. OK, now I'm tired and cranky again. I wish my word verification were "demon" but its not. It's "shkingl"
Hey Manic,
Thanks for sharing. I am a longtime CAB disorder sufferer. It does come and go, and for right now, thankfully, it's gone. Because you're right. I can't stand myself when I'm like that.
The anemia doesn't help. And my Dr. was looking into the possibility of it being my thyroid. So far, nothing there.
It must be hormonal to some degree. There are days, when before they even start, you roll out of bed nasty. No reason why. And hate being that way. And can't seem to do a thing to shake it. On those particular days, my husband can even see it. It's like tangible.
Huh. I really thought it was just me. Thanks for bringing it up.
Here's a hug for you. And maybe I'll go get a glass of wine to have with you. Let me know if you can join me.
I just wish there was a morning meter that could alert (ha, I accidentally or on purpose wrote ALTER!) me to my moods before I got out of bed so I would know what to expect and so I could make adjustments for my behavior.
Ugh. So frustrating. I just want spring and warmth and to feel GOOD. What is so wrong with that. It's not like I want a new wardrobe and a thousand-dollar purse or a makeover.
I just want to feel happy for more than a split moment before something gets in the way and pisses me off again a second later, which is what usually happens.
Yes, I have felt this way. I KNOW when I feel this way and I'm being a CAB, but I can't stop. And hell no, I don't like it and it's not normal. For some reason, I think it has a lot to do with weather, small changes in your life that you may not even realize affect you, and of course your iron levels, so it seems.
I'm not going to tell you "just do it" "Just have fun" "force your self" because I know from experience it just has to run it's course.
I hope your course runs quick!
So that's the source of my power? A morning shower? Who knew!
I too will turn 40 in July and I have to say, without gloating, I feel chilled, calm and in control. and it's all down to a shower. That who I share it with!!
I was wondering if it was perimenopause, too. Either that or a touch of depression.
Been there, doing that. Just wait until you reach the part where you think all the good times are behind you...yeah, good times.
Though all your good times can't be behind you because your going on a tropical vacation soon...so green with envy!!
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