i BRoKe uP a FiGHT aT MCDoNaLD'S

So today, I broke up my first fight. Wow. To think I could have been slugged in the face, punched in the ribs, hammered in the guts, or spat into the face by getting in the middle of a real live fight where the COPS were involved. I can’t believe I’m not shaking as I type this. Wow.

Let me start at the beginning. The kids all had dentist appointments after school and they all received a clean bill of health, so of course, I told the dentist and the whole staff they have no cavities because I feed them absolutely no desserts or sugar and only organic foods.

Then I took them to McDonald’s to celebrate their cavity-free clean mouths.

While at McDonald’s AJers ran into a friend on his basketball team who goes to another junior high. He was with another kid and his girlfriend. So AJers wanted to sit with these kids and I said OK. They sat at the very next booth. I thought that was kinda cute cuz if I wanted to ditch my mom, brother and sister, I would have gone all the way to the other side of the restaurant so I could talk like I would talk without any parents nearby.

So it’s the four of them sitting right by me, Diva and Tukey, and these hoodlum looking kids came in. One tall one, one medium one, and one super short looking gangsta-bad-ass looking one who I could tell by the looks of him was a trouble maker from the get-go. He came over to the table where AJers was sitting and started talking to the kids from the other school. Nothing crazy, but he did drop an Eff-Bomb or two. But I wasn’t gonna get in the way of my son being cool by his friends. Then a McD worker guy came over and it was apparent he knew the super short gangsta-bad-ass looking one and that he was friends with him. By the way, super short gangsta-bad-ass looking one (SSGBALO) was not older than in the eighth grade. None of them were, probably more like seventh grade. So, these three new gangsta kids were just talking to AJer’s friends when suddenly SSGBALO spots some other kids outside walking and he tears out of the McDonald’s and starts chasing down one of them.

Seriously chasing down one of them. Like on the Animal Planet Channel how they have the lions chasing the gazelles in slow motion and then the lion grazes the foot of the gazelle and finally grabs its prey. Like that.

The kid he starts chasing comes running toward the McD’s with true terror in his eyes and when he reaches the door to McD’s he doesn’t get in fast enough and SSGBALO starts wailing on him and beating the crap out of him with the intensity of a real cage-match fighter dude. I sat there in shock for a minute as I watched SSGBALO punch the kid in the face, get him on the ground, kick him and spit on him.

Finally, I asked the other kids, “Do you guys know that other kid?”

They did.

I ran out there and I can’t remember if I pulled SSGBALO off him, but I must have and I said, “Hey, stop that! What are you doing?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!?”

SSGBALO who I will now refer to as FUCKING ASSHOLE looks me in the eye, straight in the eye with pure hate, and obvious no respect or fear for adults, and he says to me:

“I’m your worst nightmare.”

I think I said, “Oh, you think so?” when I should have said,

“You don’t know my worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare is my husband in a
thong bikini buddy, and if you don’t stop
this shit right now, I’ll throw your ass in the
back of my minivan and take you home and
make you sit there and look at my worst nightmare!”

But I didn’t have the quick wits about me to say that.

Instead, I asked the kid who got beat up if he was OK and he said yeah, but he didn’t look OK, and I took him inside, and by then the manager at McD’s was there asking if there was a fight and two seconds later there were two cop cars, and three seconds later there were four cop cars, and they got the weaselly kid into the back of the car and my kids were really freaked out and they keep saying that was the scariest thing they’d ever seen and they were so glad nothing like that has ever happened at their school.

I offered to take the other kids back to their school where they were going to watch the basketball game but they were afraid to come out the door with me cuz the SSGBALO was in the back of the cop car and they didn’t want him to see them so I said I would go out and get in my car and come to the other side of McD’s and pick them up. When I did that, I stopped by the cop car where they had the kid and I stuck my face right up to the window and made a horrifying face at the asshole kid and yelled,

“WHO’S YOUR FUCKING WORST NIGHTMARE NOW ASSHOLE?!!?!?”

Then I took his picture with my camera phone. Not really, but I soooo wish I did. I almost did. But I didn’t want to embarrass my kids. Some things I think I want to do that in my mind seem cool would probably mortify my kids and I don’t want to mortify them totally yet. There’s still a lot of time for that.

So, when I pulled around to get my kids and the other kids, there were a total of five police cars, one unmarked, and a firetruck had arrived along with an ambulance. And my phone rang. It was my neighbor who had just driven by and seen my minivan.

“What’s going on there, is everything OK!?”

“Oh, Diva didn’t get the Happy Meal toy she wanted so I tried to exchange it for the one she wanted and they wouldn’t do it for me so I got pissed and called 911.”

Haha. Just kidding on that one too. I told my neighbor what happened but SERIOUSLY, to anyone driving by, you would have thought that there was a hostage situation going on in Lisle, Illinois today, and not just some delinquent fucker who was probably held back two grades already, has idiots for parents, has a shitload of behavioral problems, and was just handcuffed in the back of a police car today. And he’s in the seventh grade. That kid’s got a bright future ahead of him for sure.

And me, I’m a freaking hero! I stopped a fight. I just wish I was brave enough to do what I really wanted to do, which was smack that little fucker so hard and make the bastard cry. I wanted to put the asshole in a headlock and yank out all his hair and tell him he was a mean little shit. Because he was.