Wednesday, June 16, 2010

ZoNi

I was called a Zoni for the first time today.

I got my drivers license.

But that's not the funny part.

The funny part was that I went in knowing I was going to falsify information when I filled out the application to get my Arizona drivers license.

Of course, I was going to lie about my weight.

I can't remember if when I got my very first license if I lied about that weight; I would hope that I didn't. I probably didn't. I was probably scared that I would go to jail, and there probably wasn't a need to lie about my weight. WAIT! There isn't a NEED to ever lie about weight in the first place. What kind of PERSON AM I?

Anyway, my Illinois license has a definite incorrect weight on it. It says 150 pounds. LIE LIE LIE LIE!

I was 150 pounds hmmmm... possibly, maybe at my wedding? I think at the very best at my success at Weight Watchers I was perhaps 162 or oh yeah, that time I met goal and then puked in Mr. Manic's car and ended up throwing up in my thong (last time I wore one) later that night where my dad helped me through the night (they were in town), yeah, I got to 158 that night. So, 150 on my Illinois drivers license was a definite LIE.

So, is it safe to say that we women have a penchant for exaggerating a bit in our favor when it comes to sharing our weights on drivers license? Come on, everyone, stop for a minute and take out your licenses -- look at them. Is that an accurate weight? Was it an accurate weight when you got your license?

Some of you may be lucky enough to live in a state where they do not require weights on the drivers license, like when I lived in Pennsylvania. Boy, did I jump for joy that day I went to the DMV to get that license and discovered I didn't need to share that 3-digit number with them!

And what's a cop gonna do when he pulls ya over? Handcuff you for telling a little fib? For shaving off a few pounds in your favor? If nothing else, it's a little inspiration to see a nice number on your license. Something to work toward, right?

So, when Mr. Manic came home the other day from getting his Arizona license and he told me that they don't expire for like 25 years, I had an idea. I thought, "Why not put a significant number on my license for my weight? A number that is meaningful to my family, a reminder that I am loved and cherished all day long, every day? An inspirational number? A number that our family loves? A number that means LOVE in our family?

And yes, I've talked about that number on this blog before and yes, that number is a number that there is no way I will ever attain it on the scale lest I chop off a limb or two, but HEY, if I can get that number on my license, how cool would THAT be? Even if it means defying the laws of Arizona, tampering with the truth, and downright lying on the application?

Because come on, only the skinny ones tell the truth!

So I did it.

I put down 143 at my weight. Because 143 is significant to our family and means I LOVE YOU. I(1) LOVE(4) YOU(3).

Yeah, pick yourselves off the floor now. It's only like 50 pounds from the truth or so. But it was the idea of the challenge of not having someone say, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME ON THIS WEIGHT THING, RIGHT?"

After I wrote it down on the application, then I kinda got freaked, cuz I looked around at the people who take the apps. They looked intelligent! They looked like they would be able to see right through me! I sat in my chair and waited, hoping I would get like a really fat woman, or a dumb guy, or some Spanish speaking person (no offense to you bilingual readers, and I have no idea why a Spanish speaking person wouldn't know how to tell if I was really fat or not?).

When my number was called, I sucked in my gut and turned to meet my fate. I GOT A GUY! An older looking gentleman! Surely he would not challenge my weight on my application. I greeted him and smiled, sucking in my chubby cheeks along with my flabby gut, and trying to sit with very straight posture. "Think thin, Manic, think thin," was my mantra as he checked over my application.

"House or apartment?" he asked.

"Home." I answered.

SHIT! Wrong answer, and he looked up at me.

"House. Sorry."

I guess he could even tell we haven't made this house into a home yet.

He ran through the info and I tried to make a joke about never having to shovel snow again but then thought I should shut up because he could come back with something like, "Well, maybe if you shoveled more snow, you could lose some weight and actually weigh what you CLAIM to weigh fatass!"

HAHAHAH!

Finally, he said, "Twenty bucks Steph."

He called me Steph!

Anyone who calls me Steph is a friend. I just really like when someone calls me Steph out of the blue. It's like they like me automatically. That, and Stephie.

So, I pay him, and he says, "You're a Zoni!"

And I bet in his mind he was thinking, "And you're a lying fatass too!"

17 comments:

Swishy said...

I knew what it was going to be as soon as you said "significant number" ... I LOVE IT!!!!

Erin T. said...

Stupid question alert:
Is "Zoni" a nickname for Arizona-ian? (I have no idea how to spell that. I live Ill-in-oise (haha) for goodness sake!)

becky w. said...

Okay, so the funniest part of this post to me (keep in mind that I am a native here) is that you think people working in the DMV in Arizona may actually be intelligent! The idea that anyone working for any gov't. run agency in AZ is intelligent has me in stitches. You have heard of our reputation for passing really idiodic laws in this state before moving here, right? So the people hired to do the work of the agencies that enforce the laws enacted by this great state must be the cream of the crop! (And I mean no offense to anyone working for the gov't. I mean, come on, how can we as citizens of this state not be laughing at ourselves right now. We voted for this government, right?)

sotheywillalwaysremember said...

Thank you for this, in my otherwise crappy day you made me laugh! Don't you love when you not only crack yourself up, you actually make others laugh too! I am glad to have you as a new blogging buddy and facebook friend!
Nina

My Two Army Brats said...

At least your fatass didn't fall out of a hammock!

My military ID and license both big fat lies in the weight column and I'm okay with that!! When my husband worked the gate checking IDs in AK they would compete to see who got the highest weight each day!

Travis Erwin said...

A Zoni? That's really the term? Who knew. Sounds more like a person that zones out into zombie like trances while watching TV.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Yeah, I guess that's what they are called out here. Kind of like if you live in Wisconsin you are a cheesehead.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Susan said...

Three years ago, I moved to Maine, pre-baby and baby weight. I looked good in my picture and had a weight that wasn't perfect but decent.

Now, in NH, I still don't have a NH license. Why? Because if I lied about my weight, they would totally call me out on it. "That might be your weight if you lived on the moon. C'mon, fatty, own up to the rolls."

Great post Steph. ;o)

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

I knew 143 was going to be the number. Too funny, Steph. You're making fast progress. I kept my Mass license as long as I could when I moved to Ohio. I couldn't bear to give it up!

Heidiopia said...

OMG- I just laughed out loud! What a delight to see your fabulous sense of humor alive and well :). And you know what? 143 sounds good to me.

Shana said...

I live in mortal fear of the DMV installing a scale.

Anonymous said...

I don't live in Arizona now but, I did for 25 years. All of my family still lives there as does my husband's. I've never heard the term "Zoni" used-like, ever. Tucsonan for people who live in Tucson, Phoenician for people who live in Phoenix. Zoni? Never. I think the guy was a nutjob making up his own slang!

becky w. said...

They call us "Zonis" in San Diego. Like when we all flock there in July to escape the heat and they are tired of us and say "Go home all you Zonis." Like in the winter here, we put up with the snow birds. I've never heard it used as a term of endearment!

Jess Riley said...

143...yep. :)

("Home." hee!)

Also, you are not a fatass.

Barrie said...

Since you're a Zoni, we're neighbors! (I live in SoCal). Congrats on getting your Zoni license--with the info just the way you want it!

Tanya said...

OMG You are hilarious! I love your significant number! We don't have to put our weight on our license here (I don't think) Would I fudge the number a bit? Heck YA! Seriously who's gonna call me on it??