Tuesday, July 20, 2010

aNd HeRe a LiTTLe BiT CRuMBLeS

Today didn’t start out very good. The boys came into my room and said, “We have no water.”

How can we have no water?

We had no water.

We apparently didn’t tell the water utility company that we were moving in and we needed water, so they turned it off. Not a big deal. We now have water. But this was the start of the day. We have lots of water now.

Especially my tears.

I haven’t cried this much since the day I pulled into the Jack In The Box and let the flood gates open the second week we were in the house. I thought I had been doing pretty good. I didn’t think this was coming today. But today Tukey whispered in my ear, “I don’t really like living here all that much.”

I know he has been sad. He has been coming into my room in the middle of the night.

“I can’t sleep,” or “It’s too hot,” or “I have a stomach ache.” These are the clues. I envisioned right away in my mind that we’ll give it a year and then OK, let’s move back to Chicago and make it all right again. Just get back to our regular Midwest lives with the people we know and love.

Everyone we feel comfortable around. People we can go to for help when the water is turned off, or when there’s a snake in the backyard, because right now, like for instance, when I called Mr. Manic to tell him the water wasn’t running, he started to say, “Call a neighbor” and then he stopped. Because guess what? We have one freaking god-send of a neighbor we can call to ask for help at this point. ONE. Thank God for them or we’d have NOBODY.

That’s a very lonely place to be.

For a family who used to have everyone they could call for help when they needed something or someone or a favor or help or a laugh or a ride or a Starbucks or a anything. And now we’ve got this godforsaken hotter than shit place and my kids are trying to be so brave and strong and they haven’t even met really anyone yet and next week I am shoving them off to another week of a camp that they don’t even want to go to because I think it will give them a place to make some friends for when school starts, and yes, I am feeling completely and utterly sad and sorry for myself at the moment and forgive me but this is my blog and usually I am cheery and upbeat but I don’t feel like being that way right now.

The kind of tears I’m crying right now are the ones that you try to hold back because you’re trying to be strong and you’re tired of being strong for everyone else and you know how you drag your tongue through your mouth to make your tears stop and then you also kind of make those whimper noises to stop the tears? Well, that’s what I’m doing now, and my nose is stuffy too, and my whole family is out there watching Everybody Hates Chris and I hope to God no one comes in and catches me crying. It’d be worse than if they came in and caught us Mushy Kissing.

OK, well, you see, I am already starting to feel a bit better by jamming all of these words out of my soul and onto this document so I’m just going to next have to share them with you. I am breathing a little bit better and I’ve stopped crying.

I am just worried about when school starts – who will sit by them at lunch? Will anyone bother to say hello to them? I’m scared for them, my children, who have been so brave to do this. They don’t even know how brave they are, and how proud I am of them, and see, now I am crying all over again. I just wish they knew how much I loved them and how I know how hard this must be for them, and I’m trying to make this experience exciting and fun for them, and I can see how it must be miserable for them because it’s so hot and there are no kids in the neighborhood right now, and I know fast-forwarding is not the answer, and I need to be thankful for what we have, which is a close-knit family who loves one another and we are blessed and they will find friends and they will be fine and all will be good, and this is just a blip in the scheme of things, but why do the blips have to hurt so darn much sometimes?

11 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

Why didn't you CALL ME???? Sheesh, I'm ten digits away; only one if you have me on speed dial!

The kids will be fine, just like you. It's just an adjustment period. I'm certain you didn't make ALL of your SB friends overnight, right? It takes time. Once school starts, you will all have more connections, and the kids' day will be more filled with the structure of school and homework, and gradually things will start to feel more normal...

I'm sending big hugs and lots of kleenex. :) (And call me next time!!)

My Two Army Brats said...

I know exactly how you feel and it sucks!! I feel exactly the same way. I hate that I moved from a place that I had support and help and laughs and game nights and everything else you could ever want to a place where I can't even get anyone to meet up at the park so my kids can play other kids before they eat each other alive. fast forwarding isn't the answer, rewinding is!!

Heidiopia said...

Bless your heart!! Things will get better... tomorrow will be another day that you inch closer to adjustment in your new lives. Keep the faith and keep on writing/purging the demons. :)

Melissa said...

Understandable to go through worries like these after moving. Kids are resilient though. If they're as cool as you, they'll have new friends in no time! And you'll get to meet the new friends' moms and become friends with them. :) Take it one day at a time. See if there's a meetup group in your area on meetup.com or check yahoo groups to see if your area has any online communities where people can connect. Hang in there. I've been in your shoes and it does get easier.

Patti said...

Sending good vibes your way for a better day today!

Travis Erwin said...

I wanna write something. Some word of encouragement or optimsims, but damned if I know what to say. So I'll simply say hi.

Trish Ryan said...

Sending you a huge hug. This is so hard, what you're doing, and you are SO BRAVE. But brave isn't wonderful when you're in the middle of it.

You are loved. I know that won't get the water turned back on, but it's something. Hang in there!!!

Alex said...

I really think once school starts, it will get better. The kids will make friends and you'll meet their parents and make friends.

What about Mr. Manic's coworkers and their spouses and kids? Any potential friends there?

Does the neighborhood have a pool or park? I know you have your own pool but it's a great place to meet neighbors.

Maybe you could host a little neighborhood block party? Grill up some hot dogs and party in the driveway with lawn chairs and pool boys(the drink)! Kids could go play in the pool. Is that weird?

I know it's hot now - maybe when it cools down, you'll see more people outside working in their yards, walking their dogs, etc.

Also, once you settle on a church, maybe you'll meet a lot of people that way! Fall festivals are right around the corner!!

There's a website called meetup.org. It's where you can find groups of people interested in similar things nearby. Maybe you can find a block club to join. Or a group for families in the area.

You have to know that when you move to a new area, it's going to be tough. You knew that going into it and you're in the worst part of it now. It WILL get better.

Focus on family time and doing things as a family. Explore the area. Go to movies. Go to a water park. Go to the library. Look on yelp.com for some fun places to visit. And you'll find things you love about the new area and meet people along the way.

Give it your best effort and know that it will get better. And moving back is always an option, but give this an honest effort first.

Alex said...

* Maybe you could find a book club, not block club.

denny144 said...

You are working your way through the stages of grief, mourning the loss of your "old" life:
denial, anger, sadness, acceptance and renewal. In your head, you know that things will eventually get better but your heart is slow to recover. Remember, your friends aren't only where you used to live, they are right here. Just read these comments :)

Robin in Cali said...

I just wanted to say hang in there, it does get better. I've now moved across the country twice for my husband's job...from California to Maryland, and then last year back to California. It's a rough process and many tears were shed each time. Your kids WILL make new friends and so will you, especially after school starts. Get involved with PTA or other parent groups in your area, and if any of your kids play sports, you can get involved there also! Just be gentle with yourself and realize it takes time to find all your new "favorites". It'll happen!