Wednesday, January 18, 2006

A Bear's Life Would Be Nice

Right now, I would take a Bear's life in a second. Throw me into a nice, dark cave and let me sleep until the middle of March. If I were a bear, I wouldn't even need my Woobie because I'd be so furry I'd be nice and warm. It would be quiet. It would be dark. I could sleep. I wouldn't have this damned sinus headache. I wouldn't be feeling so freaking fat because all bears are kind of plump anyway, and I'm sure that none of the other bears would look at me saying, "Wow, Manic-Bear sure could stand to lose a few."

I wouldn't feel guilty that I haven't exercised consistently all year long, and I wouldn't feel guilty that the three small things I wanted to accomplish every day aren't getting done (one load of laundry, treadmill, shower). I wouldn't have to be thinking about where I'm getting my next pizza because I don't think bears crave pizza, just fish or raccoons maybe.

I wouldn't have these stupid PMS symptoms or the onset of my period because ... well, I don't know why--I guess because I never thought of bears having their periods. But just in case, make me a boy bear.

I wouldn't have all these piles of unsorted laundry around my cave. I wouldn't have to clean the toilets, or Swiff the floor. I wouldn't have to go to the dentist today (although I think bear teeth are probably not as nice and white and clean as mine are).

I could just lie there, maybe next to my spouse bear and my three little cubbies and snuggle up with them in a nice, big ball of snoring fur, and sleep.

Yes, that sounds like a nice thing to do right now.

But I'm not a bear, and I am PMSing, and the house is a mess, and I need to go to the dentist and I need to stop craving a pizza and I need to get some work done, and I need to stop thinking about this book and agent thing until something happens. I have to do all of these things because, we all know, I am woman...
HEAR ME ROAR!

18 comments:

Kelly said...

wow! that pic at the end scared me just a bit... wasn't expecting it.

Manic Mom said...

It's how I feel Kell! LOL. Roar.

Cee said...

Now you have me wishing I were a bear too, just to get out of the laundry. Oh, and the sleep would be nice, ahhhwww.

Caryn said...

A bear's life does sound pretty nice right now, as I'm valiently trying not to nap.

wallofdenial said...

According to my daughter I'm allways a bear! That count?

Sugarmama said...

There was a story on NPR recently about how some scientist was trying to figure out if people could hibernate like bears. I kept thinking, "Please say yes and tell me how!"

Erin said...

Sadly, bears don't sleep in caves, they sleep in dead tree stumps.

A cave sounds better though.

I would pay good money to hibernate every year. Just January and February... That would be enough.

Heather said...

That's how I look in the morning.

Dear Jane said...

I'm not going to say anything smart ass right now because you have frightened me

Cmommy said...

They gain weight with legitimate excuse and then awake all trim...everyone's dream "Go to sleep fat and wake up skinny"!

girl, just have a latte already. {}:-)C

kj said...

Oh, and the little bears would hibernate too, instead of going to bed four hours before you dragged your laundry-doing, swiffering self to bed and waking up three hours before you wanted them to.

Mr. Althouse said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mr. Althouse said...

I would be Yogi. I would have a pick-a-nick basket and kick it with my little buddy Booboo bear. And of course, you know, that I'd be smarter than the aaaaverage bear!

Great post.

Mike

Monkey said...

I keep hearing that song "The Bear Necessities" over and over. I would love to hibernate! Oh my yes.

Can I do it in my bed, with my little comforter all over me though?

Bear said...

This hangs in my kitchen:

Gonna Be a Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!!

Distressed Jeans said...

Steph,

Whats this about an agent calling you? I dont have your email address in my add. book so you must write with all the details. Im anxious for the info! Do tell...

xo

Jess Riley said...

Say, have you seen the movie Grizzly Man? That guy certainly wanted to be a bear...

DetoxSmurf said...

You want to be a bear so you can pee in natrual spring water. (which people bottle up and sell) >:)