Thursday, January 26, 2006

Think Outloud

I'm just going to think outloud here, again a crabby alter person is trying to get out of me. I wonder what I should name her? Whoever she is, she is twenty pounds heavier than she should be, she hasn't done squat with her New Year's Resolutions, she's suffering from SAD. She is happy one second, distraught the next, numb after that and then tired. Tired of what? Hubby said "Put your life on paper and everything is great." And Mom, don't start freaking out on me because I'm not going to gas myself in the garage, I am just trying to work through why I am being so crabby and dull lately. And I know why, and it's because I am not getting exercise, enough sleep, I am not controlling what I eat. My pants are tight, nothing looks right or good on my body. I'm telling you, this crabby alter person has a weight problem and she hasn't had it for a while, but the pounds do creep up and then wham! the pants are tight, the mood is crabby, and the immediate fix, which I know is not, NOT, NOT is the Mac 'N' Cheese or any soul-searching, food-soothing comfort snack. And I'm NOT pigging out. I just know I'm not where I should be. This weather blows too. I could be outside swinging my arms to my iPod if it wasn't winter time, and then I would be happier too, because IT WOULDN'T BE WINTER TIME.

I'm just tired and crabby and annoyed and there's nothing really wrong in my life except my pants are just getting too tight. And I have this party thing to go to downtown tomorrow night, in a limo even, and I'm not even looking forward to it because I'm not going to be pleased with how I will look, I will eat too much, I will drink too much (unless I utilize some self-control) and then Saturday will be shot all to hell then too.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I will have fun tomorrow night. I will try to not be so pouty and bitchy and pissy and moody. I will not get blasted drunk so Saturday is a wasted day. On Saturday, I will clean my office, do laundry, and work on BZ stuff for a while. On Sunday, we will go to church, spend time with the kids, and maybe do some more work. I'm not thinking about the novel, or the queries, or the next novel, or how I'm going nowhere with it as of right now and I will just cleanse my mind from the cluttering crap that is unimportant anyway.

Then, Monday morning, I will open my eyes, get my irksy on the treadmill or the walking path outside, kick it into gear, smile. Take an extra dose of Effexor for added measure--ha, just kidding, I'll go for the Xanax... ha, kidding again! And I will start the week off fresh. And happy, and work toward getting thin again. Because, I was so freaking happy when I was thinner. I just was. And I can be again.

I hope. (So does Mom too, I'm sure--hi Mom!)

3 comments:

Nancy said...

Wow, I so can relate to this.

I hope you have a good time tomorrow night. I know for myself I am going to try and just live one minute, hour, day at a time until the weather gets nice again and I can shed some of my "hibernation weight." Good luck to you too.

Joel said...

There's a fear that burns
Like trash inside
And your shame - the curse
That burns your eyes
You've been hiding in the bedroom
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes
It's your book now

You are golden
You are golden, child
You are golden
Don't let go
Don't let go tonight!

This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a fading crown we wear like some debilitated king

The earth spins and the moon goes 'round
The green comes from the frozen ground
And everything will be made new again
Like freedom in spring

cubmommy said...

I curse SAD! I hate the blues. The winter's here really take it out of a person. I hope the groundhog predicts a early spring.

I hope you have a nice time tonight.