Thursday, October 26, 2006

Five Or So Things

BBFF Swishy tagged me. She knows (well, she does now) that I hate tags, so I'm switching it up a bit. Instead of Five Things About Me You Don’t Know, I'm taking it one step further and making this a new tag called:

SIX THINGS ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW THAT MAKE ME REALLY STUPID IN A LOT OF PEOPLE'S EYES.

And here they are, in no particular order:

1. I was married once before but for obvious reasons I don’t talk much about it. It was a very short marriage-just shy of two months, but going into it, we knew we were making an incredible mistake but it was one of those things where we were high school sweethearts, and our parents were the best of friends (obviously, they are not friendly anymore).

The wedding was spectacular, because his mom and my mom were crazed with the details, which was good for me because I’m not much of a planner, as you all know, so I just sat back and let them take over.

I should have known when he smashed the cake in my face at the reception that it was not going to last. That’s the ONE thing I asked him not to do the whole time we were planning to get married. That bastard.

2. When I’m at the computer, thinking, I pick the bottom of my feet and collect the dried-up skin and keep it in a pile next to my keyboard. I am going to continue to do this until I land an agent and then see how big the pile gets. I’m betting I can probably fill a pillow with it. I just doubt it’ll be that soft.

3. Religion and Dances: I went to Catholic school for 11 years, including preschool and kindergarten, and a stint at an all-girl’s school in ninth grade. Ninth grade was pretty traumatizing, I think. Well, at least the after-football-game dances were. Everyone would convene in the hall where the dance was and dance and make out and talk to cute boys. Except me. I still cringe and have major flashbacks when I hear The Fixx and that one song that was playing one particular night I was feeling very desolate, unattractive, lost, lonely, loserish, pathetic…

(OK, now I gotta look it up on itunes…OK, I’m cryin’ here now: One Thing Leads to Another.)

I didn’t go to my high school senior prom, but my sister, who was a junior, got asked by a senior (one who I would have said yes to, probably, had he asked ME, but NOOOOO, he had to go and ask my cheerleader sister to MY prom. Actually, one guy did kind of ask me, and he was a guy I really did want to go with, at the time, but I laughed because I thought he was joking. And who knows, maybe he was too. He didn’t go to prom either, but he did start a rumor later that year that I gave him a BJ. When I ran into him at our 10-year reunion, I reminded him of that rumor, and he said he didn’t remember. I told him, “Well, let me just tell you pal, had it been true, you can bet your ass you would HAVE remembered!” I smacked my lips and strutted away.

I did go to my ninth grade (another traumatic experience, looking back) “Christmas Formal” and damnit, I’m going to find that photo and take a digital picture and post it here just so you can see how freaked it was! I went with our neighbor’s son, who I had a major crush on my whole life (but he’s not the one I married), and I wanted this beautiful sapphire blue floor-length dress at JCPenney’s for only $90 (see, I was frugal even then!), but my MOM wanted me to have this DISGUSTING floral uglier-than-the-ugliest-piece-of-clothing-you’ve-ever-seen dress for $20. Guess which dress I got? Thank God the lights were dimmed at the dance.
I never went to a homecoming. A guy asked me when I was a junior and I said yes. I bought a beautiful sea-foam green tea-length silky dress for the occasion, along with some of that matching bright green mascara that was hot back in 1985. I had everything ready. I was talking to the guy on the phone. We went to the mall together. I thought I liked him. Then, I got scared. He was talking about drinking and smoking, and hey, that was just not Manic’s thing back then, so I chickened out and told him like four days before the dance I didn’t want to go.

That is probably the reason I never got to go to my senior prom – because I was such a bitch to that guy over the homecoming thing. I later wrote a short story called “Memories of a Lost Homecoming” that was a combination of my danceless experiences with homecoming and prom. It was published in our school literary magazine. I can pull it out and put it on the blog if you all want to read it? It sucks.

4. When I had my tonsils out at about four years old (Mom, how old was I?) I vividly remember the doctor putting that black rubber stinky-smelling balloon thingy over my face they made you inhale so you would pass out, and telling me to count backwards from 100. I think I got to number 98 and I passed out (of course, I was four, so I’m sure, UNLIKE Swishy, I didn’t know how to even count TO 100, and they were asking me to count it backwards!).

So, I wake up from surgery, feeling a little groggy and I just remember it being all hospital green like in the old days, that green that’s not quite avocado but isn’t exactly green-green, ya know? More of a yellowish-green with a hint of blue. Now that I think about it, the colors of the walls at the hospital recovery room probably matched my homecoming dress I had to return and the mascara that I kept.

And then I noticed a soft plastic measuring cup attached with an elastic band had been put on my wrist, and I was four, so I was thinking, “Wow, I’m high,” and then, “Wow, I must have done really well during the surgery because they gave me this plastic cup thing around my wrist as a prize for being so good.”

Then I barfed all over myself.

Years later, when having flashbacks of my surgery, I then understood the cup was for me to throw up into.

5. In probably eighth or ninth grade (it was probably ninth, since it was the year of trauma and I hadn’t been thinking straight), I had a book report project to do and I think we got to choose a place to do it on.

I chose Greece. Maybe because my parents had visited Athens, or more than likely, probably because I thought all the Greek myths were pretty freaking cool. In fact, freshman year in college, I took Greek Mythology, which was a three-hour class on Monday night and the old-lady professor would spend the whole time telling us Greek myths while I furiously took notes. It must have fascinated me because I got an A in the class.

Anyway, back to my ninth-grade project. We had to write blah-blah-blah stuff on our chosen place and include pictures. For whatever fucked up reason I had, I decided to save time and just cut the pictures from our set of encyclopedias.

Sidenote: For those of you too young to know what an encyclopedia is, it’s a bunch of books with a whole bunch of stuff written in it. Like, say, for instance, you wanted to learn about Athens, then you would go to the A book, and find all sorts of things about Athens and great photos too. Or if you were doing Greece, you could go to the G volume and find stuff out about Greece. It was a very cool invention back in the day. In fact, they even had salesmen who went door-to-door selling volumes of encyclopedias to women wearing foam hair curlers and pink furry robes, smoking cigarettes, with a baby on her hip and a toddler behind her picking his nose and the soaps blaring in the background while Luke proclaimed his love to Laura, or Greg got injured in a skiing accident and Jenny was rushing to his bedside, while Opal was trying to figure out how to split them up, or maybe even Dr. Noah Drake and Blackie having a discussion on how to foil Scotty. (Wow! Is my memory amazing or what?!)

OK, so, Greece. My book report.

I cut out pictures from our encyclopedia. I didn’t ask my dad to take the books to his office to photocopy them. I didn’t go to the library to find books I could photocopy. I. Cut. Them. From. The. Book.

OK. S T U P I D

My parents were pissed. They yelled. They got mad. They probably even grounded me, and back then, grounding me was telling me I couldn’t lock myself in my room and read any more V.C. Andrews books for the week, so that was a tough punishment! For real.

I guess I learned my lesson. Now I respect books. It was a stupid thing to do, but maybe I was procrastinating till the last minute and the report was due the next day? I don’t know. Regardless, I have never treated a book that way since; I truly learned my lesson.

Oh, and you can bet your ass I got an A+ on that report.

OK, we all know No. 1 is a lie. All the rest, except for parts of No. 2 (there’s not a big pile because I put the dried-up skin in the garbage when I’m done for the day), are completely, utterly, stupidly true.

Hmmm… I think maybe I could write a memoir on being stupid. I’ve got plenty of material!

And tagging these folks, who I hold near and dear to my blogheart.

Kari
Eileen
Jessica
Karyn Bosnak
Ask Allison

PS--another thing I had to add. Nine years ago today, I became the happiest mom by having Ajers, via an emergency C-section, at the age of 28. Happy Birthday Ajers. I love you!

25 comments:

Karyn said...

what does this mean, what do i have to do? answer questions? please, guide me, manic mom.

Nancy French said...

I think after reading that foot-peeling pillow part, I threw up in my mouth a bit.

Karitown said...

I'm with Nancy on that one. Ugh! Yuck! You are tooooooo funny. And we must have been doing the same thing this morning, my dear to my heart blogging friend;)))

Trish said...

Oh my word! Do you know what "tangent" means? As in going off on one...?

Loved reading all about Manic, the early years...but for those of us with short attention spans we brake a sweat just trying to keep up. LOL

My early years were pretty traumatic too as for the other stuff...where were we again?

Manic Mom said...

Karyn--got it figured out?

Nancy--I do that too! I should have written THAT in my post!

Kari--I follow your lead. Now get me an agent! LOL

Trish--I think you can blame Swishy for that tangent. She made me do it! I 'wasted' a lot of time writing that tangent! I think I'm a little ADD when it comes to sharing info!

Manic Mom said...

And I just thought to myself, "Look at all these gorgeous babes commenting on my blog!"

Jessica said...

#1 is a lie....now, does it really count as an answer if it was a lie? ; ) hmmmm, oh well...it was my favorite too...i was all mad at that guy for smashing cake in your face!
ok, i will think of some stuff and do this thing...even though i really, really, really hate these memes (isn't that what they called them?) and by the way, i just read what i wrote last night and i said about looking back today b/c my eyes would be half shut today....ummmm, i meant my eyes were half shut last night...wow, i think i was really out of it yesterday....anyway, i guess i am just stalling so i won't really have to do this thing...

Jess Riley said...

I didn't know about #1! (We have that issue in common, my friend.) Also, #2: you crack me up. Wow.

Trish Ryan said...

I think you showed early creative genius cutting those pictures from the encyclopedia. I say this because I once cut all my sister's hair off and taped it to the head of my most recent face drawing because I couldn't find my brown crayon. True art can't wait!

Manic Mom said...

Jess, Jess, Jess--You didn't read it all. I must have bored you!

Gina said...

OMG, I totally had a quicky marriage too - 6 weeks, he locked me out of our house and when I finally got a hold of him by phone he told me that he was divorcing me because a friend of mine was 4 months pregnant with his baby and they were in love... so get that? married for 6 weeks but 4 months pregnant... yeah. The justice part was that his parents paid for the whole freakin wedding, afternoon wedding on the lake, 300 people catered sit down meal... serves them right for raising such a jackass !!! :)

g.

Gina said...

okay so I got it (finally) it was lie... but hey I told you my story before, right?????

g.

Monkey said...

Like Jessica, before I knew #1 was the fake, the faux memory if you will... I was outraged for you and wanted to hunt down husband #1 and bake him into a giant cake and then bury it.

And your definition of Encyclopedias? I snorted. Snorted I tell you!

Andie said...

I was cracking up at your encyclopedia description. Immediately I pictured that nerdy red-headed dude from the Encyclopedia Brittanica commercial.

Thanks for the smiles! :)

Bina said...

Ah yes, I remember the encyclopedia days. They were awesome! And they smelled good, too. And my my, the homecoming/prom/dance thing. Those years sucked for me. I never went to one, even though I had a boyfriend in my senior year. I was always in to doing everything different and NOT doing stuff if everyone else did. Hmmmm, I'm still like that in some ways.

I'm gonna have to look up "one thing leads to another". I'm sure I'll recognize it when I hear it!

Great list!

Haley Hughes said...

I had to be put under for surgery also when I was 4 years old. (To have tubes put in my ears. It was a new procedure then, I think, requiring at least one night in the hospital.) I remember the mask and the world spinning and thinking I was dying but not being afraid. No barfing afterward, though! LOL.

It was nice talking with you last night at WC.

Beth said...

I want to read "Memories of a Lost Homecoming!"

And I remember Luke and Laura too! I loved Jenny and Greg, they were the best and Dr. Noah was a hunka, hunka burnin love!!

Eileen said...

Oh man the pressure is on.. I'll take your tag on for the weekend.

girlieH said...

I love to read your blog!!! Too descriptive. I am not sure about the foot peeling......

Swishy said...

I had the mask too, when I got my appendix taken out (which I SHOULD have put instead of the kindergarten thing, because I am totally catching shit for it! LOL).

If they think that tangent is bad, they should see our IMs!

Gina's story is crazy!

kathie said...

OMG...I def. need to see the lost homecoming piece. Please? Love the whole getting married because your parents were best friends, etc. and not being part of planning the wedding--so, looks like you're on the right track now. At least until your hubby's girlfriend graduates from HS...Maybe he can go to Homecoming for you. Great post.

Karyn said...

Wat, I just read the tonsil thing and I'm dying b/c i had my tonsils out when i was in kindergarten/first grade, AND I BARFED ALL OVER MYSELF TOO! But I barfed up all the ice cream they kept feeding me.

domestic_valerie said...

It's all good...loved the lie for #1...but it got sketchy for me with the dance descriptions. I mean, high school sweethearts and no dances? Whatever...

Speaking of dances, you have got to scan the picture of your dress to show us. I LOVE high school formal dresses. Then, we'll show you ours.

I went to two dances during those awful years and my winter formal dress is a scream. Early 90's at its best. Teal lame (laah-mae) and black velvet with an asymeterical neckline. I thought I was the bees knees. It kind of scares me now. And my hair was never cool.

You always crack me up, Manic.

BTW...I might be getting a small recipe writing (free) job at a local magazine here. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Manic Mom said...

For those of you commenting but not understanding:

I HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED TO HUBBY. THERE WAS NEVER A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART TURNED HUSBAND WHO SMASHED CAKE IN MY FACE! However, I think I need to make one up for a future book.

Monkey--so happy to make YOU snort. You've cracked me up enough.

Bina--You'll know the song.

Hayley--nice meeting YOU too! You seem like my kind of girl--a normal mom chick. I loved your pumpkins turned jackos!

Karyn--see, I think we are two of the same person! Both puked after tonsilectomies... what are the odds! I tell you, soulmates! ; )

Want to be lesbians? KIDDING!

And OK, do you all have PERFECT feet that feet-peeling is unecessary?!!?! COME ON!

Dom Val--YAY! Good for you for the writing job! And raising a cutie-pie baby too!

I will search for the Memories of a Lost Homecoming story this weekend, and those hideous photos.

And for you Swish... well, I want to be lesbians with you too! Winka Winka, and I think my mom doesn't read the comments! Hope not anyway!!?!!

Kate said...

Too much fun. I enjoyed the faux marriage one. And my friend cut an abacus picture out of his parents' encyclopedia. Our bat-shit-insane (and I am a high school science teacher with a "We all use math everyday-NUMB3RS" bumper sticker on my bulletin board, so this is saying something) geometry teacher gave us an assignment to find 100 specific math things in newspapers and magazines. The encyclopedia was the only place he could find one. And yes, people, this was before the internet. And the point was to show us how math is everywhere. Ha.

I don't pick my feet. Not because they're beautful and/or perfect. It's because you need power tools to get through the callouses.