Friday, September 03, 2010

CRyiNG iS eXHauSTiNG

I wanted today to be a good happy day. It's Friday. It's the start of a long weekend. Mr. Manic is not going to travel next week. We've just had a nice day for Tukey yesterday with his birthday. I went to bed really early last night, thought I slept well. Decided that today might be the day I cut out sweets and sugar because I've been indulging way too much lately.

I planned on a good day today. Really.

I wanted to hit Yoga at Lifetime. Wanted to get back into a routine, find some balance in my very unbalanced life of late.

Tukey woke up. He didn't seem very happy. I figured it was because his special "All About Me" birthday was over. He was on my bed, looking sad and forlorn. I asked him what was wrong.

He told me after some prying. That he was thinking about his last birthdays how he spent them with his friends having parties and how he is missing Illinois and his friends.

Oh, how I get it. He was trying to hold back tears. I told him to come by me, I held him on my lap and told him I don't care if he's nine or 19, that he can cry. That he should cry. To let it out. He can cry. God made tears for a reason and he's allowed to cry them out. So he cried. And I cried. I told him how much I missed my friends too, and how sad I am too to be away from my friends, the girls I miss and love every single day that I am here. We cried together on my bed this morning.

Cuz what else can we do. When we feel sad, we cry. That's all we can do. Sure, we can try to get out there and make friends, and we will do that. We are doing that. But when we're sad, we're gonna cry.

He went to school with my promise to him that we can go whereever he wants after school -- if he wants to use some of his birthday money to go buy something, or go get a treat, I will take him somewhere. I will do anything in my power to make that little guy a little less sad during these transitional hard times for all of us.

So then I went to yoga. Thinking I needed to breathe, get some balance, find some inner peace. It was a good class. I focused on myself for once in a long time. A very long time. Being here, I have been focusing so darn much on my kids and trying to make them as comfortable and less sad, and just working through making a new life here. I have forgotten about myself.

I don't know who I am.

I did yoga, and it was good. I might need to Eat Pray and Love. Forget that. I definitely don't need to Eat. But I did do yoga, and I liked the teacher. During the last part, the sivasana, which I always think it should be spelled shivasana, but I think it's spelled the other way, I was trying to be relaxed, but I really think the teacher played that song, CRY. In fact, I'm going to look it up right now on iTunes ... nah, maybe it was the song Smile when your heart is breaking ... whatever, it was one of those perfect songs to just bring me right to the ledge. And I lost it.

Really lost it.

I've cried a few times during yoga. And it's like the tears just come and it's an otherworldly place you can't control but not like blown out tears, just automatically rolling quietly down the cheeks, like someone wouldn't even know you are crying unless they saw the two tears slipping down your face.

That kind of crying.

But then I had to get out of there.

The thing was. I had no where to go.

It hit me that in Illinois, after yoga, I would be surrounded by lots of love. I would be in a class with about 5 or 6 really close girlfriends most of the time, and even if none of my friends were there, I loved my yoga teacher Toni, and while this was a really great class here and I can't wait to go back, it was like, "now what?"

There's no one here.

After in Illinois, a bunch of us would go get Starbucks, or I could chat with people, smile to a half-dozen friends I KNEW. Now I just had to walk out of there with a wet face while I watched everyone else have nice conversations with their FRIENDS about what they were going to do together over the long weekend.

It just really is hard to be the new kid. And it's really exhausting to have to put yourself out there to make the friends. And it's really exhausting to have to help your children do this too. I dont' feel like I have the energy to do this another time. I've already done this in Philadelphia. I've done it again in Illinois. I don't know if I want to expend all the energy to be bright and happy and outgoing, to find the people that I want to surround myself with all over again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my kids crying, of being sad. Of missing their friends. I'm tired of having to work through all of this all on my own.

It's exhausting.

I need a good long nap. A massage. Some sympathy, because I understand I'm being whiny and not really that much is horrible in my life.

But this is how I'm feeling.

12 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

Good friends are worth crying over. Wish I could do something about providing you and your family some there in Arizona.

sarah said...

it's so hard. I moved moved from DC to Los Angeles 2 years ago and then from Los Angeles to outside San Francisco a year ago. Transitions are so hard and leaving friends behind is heart breaking. I did a lot of crying, both curled up on my couch and at yoga class.

Someone told me its takes 3 months to really adjust to a new place, but I disagree. I think when you've left behind an amazing group of friends and/or family, it can take a lot longer to adjust to their absence in your daily life.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now; I remember it really well. I promise, though, it does get better. Two years later and I am still homesick for DC in a lot of ways, but I love my "new" home, too.

thinking of you

Liz Fenton said...

Oh, I'm so sorry Steph! I hope you and your family feel better soon. I think this is one of those things that only time will make better. Hang in there! xo

Melisa with one S said...

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME FROM THE PARKING LOT AT LIFETIME????

It's a good thing you're not in this room because I would strangle you. And then I'd hug you.

Julieryanevans said...

Oh Steph, I'm so sorry. It's sooo hard. We've now been here three years and it's just now starting to feel like home. But for all the tears and heartache, you'll look back or realize at some point that you're right where you're supposed to be now, even if it's hard. xoxoxoxoxoxo
p.s. i have a cousin there, do you want me to do an intro? don't know why this is JUST occurring to me. she's pretty cool and has two boys.

sotheywillalwaysremember said...

oh Stephanie you make me cry for you. I know this must be hard and I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your kids go through it. I hope that before long you guys start to feel like you are home in Arizona. You have given me so much to think about with our big pending move. Although, I guess the good news is I don't love it here or have the friends here that you had in Illinois so I am hoping it won't be that hard. Have a good long weekend, take as much xanax as you need and I hope you feel better on Monday. xoxo

My Two Army Brats said...

ME TOO!!!!! Moving sucks!

Shelley said...

Hey Steph, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. I know someone said they read it takes 3 months to adjust, but I read something that said it takes 18 months. I know I'm not there yet.

I'm sympathizing with you so much right now, because even though my situation is different, I know how you feel.

I love Colorado. After 42 years of that god-awful heat (and now you know what I mean), I was so done. My husband has MS, and the heat made it hard for him to function. I like it so much better here.

BUT.

I'm not a person that needs or wants a lot of friends. But the few that I have are my heart. I love them with every ounce of my being. And they are in Arizona.

I have neighbors and acquantinces here, but not friends. Not real friends. Three people. Three people I miss so much my heart aches every day. Something happens, and I need to tell someone, but there's no one here. Yes, I can call them, but it's not the same as hanging out, strolling through Target, laughing about our "Target problem", and laughing whenever an employee asks us if we need help finding anything, because we probably know the store better than they do.

I miss going to the mall with my best friend and her four year-old, sitting and talking while her daughter plays in the playplace. Going to her house and just sitting for hours...talking, watching TV, and talking some more. I don't want to go back to AZ, you see...I want THEM HERE.

It's ok to cry, and just know that you're not alone. I'm sorry I can't do anything to help, but I know what it's like to miss your friends so much. (((Hugs)))

Stephanie Blake said...

It totally sucks. My BFF for LIFE moved to FL three years ago. I miss her like I'd miss my left arm. We only get to see each other 2x a year for 4 days and it's not enough. We'll talk for 3 hours on the phone and text throughout the day.

She's coming soon. But it is never the same.

Maybe you need a quick weekend in Illinois?

Melissa said...

sorry that the transition is still so hard for you. if i could teleport, i'd be out there right now and we'd be going for starbucks and browsing books at b&n.
i still miss my friends from illinois too and it's been 3 1/2 years. i'm thankful for facebook and skype!
i hope things get better for you all soon. feel free to e-mail me anytime you need to vent.

Barrie said...

Perhaps you could keep moving west (to San Diego)! Seriously, though, hang in there. xo

sarah pekkanen said...

Sending sympathy and hugs... and hope it will get better very, very soon.