Friday, January 19, 2007

Day Five: Weigh In **ADDENDUM BELOW**

De-with-a-capital-D-PRESSING!

You’re not going to believe it.

I gained.

I am so completely bummed out right now, it’s not even funny. And don’t laugh like Swishy did when I told her I gained and she asked me how much and I told her .2 of a pound, because THAT IS STILL A GAIN, and I thought for sure I should have lost three pounds this week. For one, last week I weighed in late in the day. For two, I totally was starting my period that day. For three, I did so GD good this week, AND DIDN’T EVEN CHEAT. For four, I totally am committed to exercise and have been going to the gym RELIGIOUSLY at least 3-6 times a week since I joined IN THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER.

And what do I get?

Bullshit.

I am so depressed I feel like grabbing the largest, frickingest, chocolatey-est chocolate cake and just stuffing my face into it and eating it like Ralphie’s brother ate his mashed potatoes in A Christmas Story.

What is the point?

And don’t try to tell me I’m gaining muscle cuz I DON’T WANT MUSCLE. I am a whiny bitch right now and if you’re going to get mad at me for whining, please don’t read any further. It is making me feel better to bitch and gripe and rant about this. And in doing so, at least I’m not in the kitchen looking for that big ole fat piece of cake.

Or Tim Tams! I know where I can find a package of them. They would fill up this emptiness that is MY DIET THAT IS NOT WORKING.

Things are sucky.

So, I am now expecting Agent to call me and just tell me that not only am I fat, but everybody hates the book. Well, they don’t ‘hate’ the book. They ‘love’ the book. They are just not ‘in love’ with the book, so everybody is going to pass on it, and I should maybe just start writing a book on how fat I am.

OK, I know I’m not ‘FAT’ but I feel it, and if I feel it, then I am depressed, and if I’m depressed, what makes me feel better?

French fries, cheese pizza, chocolate cake, potato chips, a vanilla milkshake.

What is the point of working so hard and getting the opposite of ANY RESULTS AT ALL?

My husband loves me. He doesn’t care. I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for me. I’ve done it for me before, after I had Tukey. I lost 60 pounds, but now I am starting to think that a lot of that was baby weight and maybe I hadn’t done so well on the program as I thought.

And last year, I was *diagnosed* with thyroid disease, which to me, just means you (not YOU you, if there's any of YOU out there with this disease, just hypothetically YOU) are a sluggish pig and you need to take some synthroid stuff so you don’t continue to be a sluggish pig. Well, listen up there synthroid-makers: THE SHIT ISN’T MAKING ME LESS OF A SLUGGISH PIG! But now, I do believe that the whole thyroid crap has something to do with weight/metabolism/my burning desire to inhale a double-layered-with-fudge-inside-it-chocolate-cake.

Thyroid, Schmyroid. Where the fuck are those colon pills?

An hour or so later…

OK, I am not as ranting as I was previously, and I hope you all don’t think I am a mad-raving-self-serving-bitch who shouldn’t complain, because I already know this! I know I am making more out of it than I should. I know I am doing the right things that need to be done to live a healthier lifestyle, making better eating choices, and exercising more.

I know all this.

I just wish liposuction wasn’t so damned expensive.

OK, you see me. It’s like there’s two sides of me. One who knows, and one who doesn’t. I don’t know which one to like?

Anyway, enough of this pathetic rant. This setback has just motivated me more to stick with it through the weekend, through next week, until the blasted scale and I meet again.

But I will tell you this: If I do as well as I’ve done the past four days, and if I don’t have AT LEAST a four-pound drop, I am going to be one pissed off Manic Mom.

Seriously. Pissed. Off.

More later when I catalog my day’s food, which I promise you, will not include that decadent cake I want to fall face-first into.

~~~~~

It is now 7:19 p.m.

Sorry I was a crabby bitch this afternoon. Hubby is probably glad he's not home yet. He did email me today to 'turn that frown upside-down' and told me I was beautiful.

Today's Menu:

5 points -- 1/2 can of soup and a handful of oyster crackers
1 point -- grapes (see, taking the fruit advice!)
1 point -- popcorn
5 points -- ate the last bites out of the butter/parm noodles I made for the boys. Could have been a lot worse, as someone said in the comments, eating a plate of pasta just FEEEEELS SO GOOD. However, I let myself eat these noodles, which probably amounted to 25 or 30 noodles, because I knew I had the points to spare today.

4 points -- My TWO Hebrew National FF hotdogs in Healthy Life buns as I predicted I would have for dinner in yesterday's post. Add ketchup and mustard and you feel like you're at the ballpark.

2 points -- Light Cheddar chips, 2 ounces. I tell ya, I love these chips.

So, this brings me to just 18 points.

And you can bet your ass I'm taking four points for the WW chocolate chip cookie dough sundae. Damnit if I'm going through this whole day without something chocolatey.

And then, guess what this Manic Mom is going to do?

I'm going to bed at like 8 p.m.

And then, I might, I just might, get up and do the total strength training class at 8 a.m.

16 comments:

Frannie Farmer said...

Oh Manic, I am sorry. I totally understand your feelings .. it seems on my won weight loss journey, the days that I feel/know I have done my best are the days I end up gaining or not losing which equally agitates me ... and on the days where I let is slide some I don't gain or even lose some .. what gives there? Then I end up thinking, 'hell, why dont't I just eat what I want and be happy?' Except then, well my brain takes over and I know it will eventually equal out as it should. The other things is, after I hit 35, it seemed that losing took at least 10 times longer than at 32 or 33 .. again, what gives?
Anywho... I feel your pain sister. I do, I did the same angry dance this morning when I had (ugh!) gained a pound .. then I peed (sp?) and I was back, but no loss!
Hang in there - Cabo will be GREAT!

Manic Mom said...

Thanks Frannie, not that I want you to be feeling what I am, but it is nice to feel like the feelings are valid, you know.

And I guess that's true about the age thing. I am getting up there at 37.

I wish I could just eat what I want and be happy, but I know I would just be worse off.

The thing is, I know what I'm doing is right, but I want the immediate result. I mean come on, give me a damn pound off at least!

I can't wait till I poop.

: )

Kelli in the Mirror said...

I am completely in agreement with your right to vent and whine if you want to.
However, I will say that Fat Days are a reality. Seriously. I've found that when I'm on a diet it's better to weigh every morning and write it down, then take an average for the week. If your average is going down from week to week, which it almost always does if you're working on it, then you can feel better about it and not worry about one individual day.

Monnik said...

Manic, I totally know what you are going through. I was there last week. I'd done so great, stuck to the plan,exercised, etc. And I didn't lose. I wanted to go eat the biggest bowl of pasta ever, but I didn't. I continued this week, and lost 1.5 today.

So hang in there, you're doing great. And you know what? You'll have fun on that vacation even if you don't get down the full 10 pounds.

Signed,
A new reader who enjoys your blog.

Manic Mom said...

Thanks guys--this is like the best cyber gal-pal place to be when you're feeling down. THanks for cheering me up!

And Monnik--thanks for reading/commenting--I tried to see your blog, but you don't have one!

Colorado Writer said...

Fuck it. Have some cake.

Drew Blackstone said...

OK, I'll start off by saying that weight has never been a problem for me. I have Crohn's disease, which takes care of that. Anyway, I can't understand how you feel, but I think I know something that can help.

Grab one of your kids (your choice), crank up "Walking on Sunshine", and DANCE!!!

You have a wonderful family, you're breathing, and you have a freakin' agent!!!

Get off your butt and dance. Shake that booty. Move that change maker. It won't solve any problems, but it is always good. And heck, you might even loose some weight.

We love you and hate to see you down.

Dance. Dance. Dance.

Swishy said...

For everyone else ... I'm the smartass who (after laughing) told Manic she was gaining muscle (and maybe retaining water). But I only laughed because she was being so funny! And muscle is GOOD in the long run! It speeds up your metabolism!

OK, fine, I know Cabo isn't the long run. It's the two weeks-run, which is a totally different story. But still! You're doing soooo good!! NO CHOCOLATE CAKE! I will eat some for you if it's really necessary. I would be willing to do that, since you're my BBFF.

For real, just hang in there. It's frustrating, but you still feel good when you exercise and eat well, which counts for something, right? And I bet you can totally see a difference, even if the scale's a little slow on the uptake.

TTQ said...

quick scale mover...give up using salt and anything with over 100 mgs of sodium per serving...like salad dressing non-fat on average has 300-350 mgs of sodium per 2 tablespoons... most people use more than that so a salad could easily run you into 1,000 mg of sodium per salad. I try to keep my TOTAL daily intake between 1,000-1,500, the bad part is if you eat Chinese food once after that, it all comes right back

Oh, The Joys said...

Seriously, take a HUGE poo and weigh again.

Kate said...

Oh, The Joys is so completely right. My lovely husband and weight-loss coach is always saying that. We're not even allowed to have a scale in the house and I get the stink eye every time I slink towards the second floor of the health club where the scale lives. It's For My Own Good as I can obsess endlessly about numbers. Weight, dress sizes, calories burned, minutes on elliptical trainer.

All that said, it's okay to have a bad day, even to actually indulge in the chocolate cake once in a while. And if that fails, you can have some of my brain candy--after a few years of eating everything in sight like my stomach had a hole in it, I get tired of eating. I still want to pour Ranch dressing down my throat hole, but now I can stop. Usually. :)

DebbieS said...

MM, what a massively sucky weigh-in. You poor thing. I'd bet anything your body is holding on to a bunch of water. Try eating some foods that help you un-bloat, like cukes and watermelon. Hang in there strong just a couple more days and I bet the scale just drops like a stone.

If it makes you feel better I had a "cheat" day today. I haven't cheated in weeks and I never even use my bonus points or activity points. But today my BF from NJ sent me a half-dozen bagels, priority mail, because he knew I'd like something comforting this weekend. ::My mom died a year ago Sunday, and my brother just found out he's being sent to Korea for a year. And the parentheses on my keyboard don't work.:: Very sweet of him, except that I don't normally eat bread now since I have trouble controlling my appetite when I eat unrefined carbs. I did go to the gym and work out like a bandit for an hour so I could have a 9-pt. buttered bagel for lunch. But then we went out for dinner, and I had a small salad with ranch on the side, a cheeseburger with avocado, a few of my sweet potato fries, and split a piece of chocolate chip cheesecake with my friend. Yes, she ate more of it and I shared a little with my DD, but still...anyway, it is back to the gym with me tomorrow, and I dread getting on that scale in the morning.

Next life, I want to come back as a year-old boy, like Peter from Foxtrot, just so I can shovel pizza and fries down my maw and still look skinny.

M said...

Yay for eating fruit! And just know that since you've been exercising, that .2 is the result of (I won't say the dreaded "M" word you don't want to hear) a toned body, meaning your body is more firm and a better shape, not that it's larger, which the "M" word might imply. I bet if you had measured inches you would've seen that you have lost.

As for the book, I think it's amazing you wrote one at all, and got yourself an agent. You should be really proud of yourself, and I really think it's only a matter of time before publication. So keep your spirits up.

Remember, you are going on vacation!! Just buy a bathing suit that isn't super revealing that you feel comfy in so you don't feel too much pressure to be "perfect." That's what I do at least. And then, I'm just so happy to be somewhere where I can wear a swimsuit and enjoy the outdoors that I don't worry about what I look like. I hope that will happen to you, too. It sounds like you're doing great on your weight loss plan, exercise is super important and you're doing that, so keep it all up. No sabatoging it because of a so called gain (of .2 lbs!). Soon you'll be sipping margaritas in the sun! (I hope you plan to post photos--I'm not sure if you post photos on your site usually, since I'm somewhat new to reading it . . .)

Colorado Writer said...

Did Swishy say uptake or cupcake? Curses...My husband brought home this marketing thing from work...a gigantic slab of chocolate...so big it includes a little silver hammer (to break the thing into chunks). I am in denial about it. I put it on the bookshelf in my office and piled some crap on top of it, so I will forget it is there. Until PMS week...

Kara of MP said...

Manic - I feel your pain. And feel your goal, now, too. Just booked a Prez Day trip to Mazatlan. Great flights, great AI hotel deal. 26 days and counting til bikini time. Just tossed the cinnamon rolls I bought yesterday. Ate my chicken chili today with fat-free cheese. Off to take power walk in 27 degree temps. Dreaming of margaritas and palm trees....

Amie Stuart said...

((((MAnic)))

BTW for whatever this is worth, they do make a thyroid medication derived from um pigs. It does work better for some people. It's called Armour thyroid. (Yeah I think of hot dogs every time I say it)