Sunday, April 01, 2007

Blog Sucker

You know what?

Sometimes, blogging sucks. Not all the time, but times like these, when there is much on my mind but some of the stuff should not be shared because this is not an anonymous blog. Things that will reveal too much about me, make me seem different than how I really am. But if these are things I think about, and want to do, and am intimidated by, then this is really how I am, right? But there are people out there who know the non-blogger me and then there are people out there who know only the blogger me. When a little bit of both of thoses MEs come together, it gets confusing. Like, there are parts of my life that will show insecurities, vanities, flaws, ... I don't know. Things that I don't want to share because of how I will then be perceived, the non-blogger me and the blogger me.

So, get it? No, me neither really. Like I wonder how many readers out there do know me as the non-blogger me but have discovered my blog and also know the blogger me but they don't let me know they know the blogger me, like they are spies, reading my personal diary, and then they know more about me than even I know about myself.

And no, I am not drinking right now.

So, anyway, that is how I'm feeling right now, about how a blog can expose you but also how a blog can keep you trapped in a way that you are unable to be as revealing as you may want to. I wish if there were people out there who know the non-blogger me who have discovered the blogger me, I wish they could just say, "Oh, I see you've got a blog." Then it would be all out in the open, not just some little secret thing. I mean, I know I have a blog, I write a lot on here. If they know I have a blog, it's OK to tell me they know and it's OK that they are reading it, because I've put it out there for anyone to read. But, I would just like to know if you see me in my non-blogging world, that you are reading this. Sometimes the worlds reflect one another and I'm not sure if I've told someone something in person, or if perhaps they've read it on the blog. Which is a bad thing because it stops real-live communication, and I don't want that to happen.

So, that's that.

Other news: I am really working on the second novel. I think it's coming together like the pieces of a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle because it's taken a while. Scenes will appear in my head, when I visit a place, or think of something that happened in the past, and I'm like, "OK that scene has emerged, now to get it onto something concrete so it can live."

Let's see if I can describe what I am writing. Hmmm... I suck at that part. It's about the old me, but fictionalized, in an old fictionalized relationship, and the character is not me, just parts of me, or parts of what I imagine a character like the old me would have behaved in a particular relationship.

Then, when that relationship goes to shit, which, of course, it has to, because it's fiction and in order to write fiction, there had to be friction. Ha, I'm laughing--Friction Fiction. That could be a new genre. Anyway, when the intense relationship goes to shit, she, the non-me, but if it were me, it could have been me, ... she plummets herself into the safest relationship she can find and becomes submerged to a point where she wonders if the shitty relationship was actually the best relationship in the end.

Does that make any sense? Does any of this make any sense? Probably not, but it's out of my head now, and that's all I can do. Spill it out, until it finds somewhere else to live.

Peace UP!

22 comments:

Tracey said...

I so hear you here...Just this weekend all I wanted to do was bitch about my OB, and then he said, "You can write about this in your blog..."

Damn. Cuz now I really can't.

Jenster said...

I'm a little concerned because your entire post made perfectly clear sense to me.

Swishy said...

So right there with you. SOOOOO right there with you, and frustrated out of my f'in mind!

violetvirus said...

I'm with you on dis! Just didn't know how to put it together like you did...I wanna post a link to dis on my blog!

Manic Mom said...

I figured you guys would understand.

Violet--feel free to link it!

M said...

With my blog, I tell people I know about it usually, then I just assume they read it, even if they don't. Meaning, I write as if all the people I do know and all the ones I don't might read my blog. If there's something I don't want any of those people to know, I don't write it.

And I don't expect people to mention if they read my blog or not, but often I'll find out they are reading off and on but not necessarily mentioning it. I figure it's out there for everyone to see, so the assumption should just be that anyone and everyone is reading. Just assume they are and act accordingly, is how I look at it.

Your blog is easier to find than mine since your name is linked here, but for anyone who knows me, mine is really not anonymous at all, as the identifying features are all too obvious.

Anyway, I say, go for it and write what's on your mind (as long as it won't get you into trouble!!)

Sorry if that was utterly unhelpful.

Manic Mom said...

M--not unhelpful at all! Some of my neighbors know I write a blog, some don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping a secret by not telling them, but it's mine, and I guess if/when it comes up ever in a conversation, I'd share. I don't even know if some people even really know what a blog is sometimes!

Weird. But yeah, I knew what you were talking about in your post. That's the way to do it--keep it open and honest, but without hurting anyone.

Colorado Writer said...

Okay, so was a popular local blogger...I was almost famous. My blogs were actually printed WEEKLY in an insert of the Rocky Mountain News once a week. They were hilarious true stories about parenting my kids. I became a "featured blogger." I got invited to staff events at the News. Total strangers recognized me from my blog. I had fans who couldn't wait to read what I was gonna say next... I was like Erma Bombeck. I talked about poop and the unfairness of hemmorroids. Then, all of a sudden. The well ran dry. I didn't feel like it. I am writing a novel and can't do both. I stopped. People miss me. Too damn bad.

Here is the blog: http://denver.yourhub.com/~mom

Life goes on if you want to stop MM.

Stacy said...

No alcohol required to understand that blog post :)

Trish said...

I sometimes think about starting another totally anonymous blog that's open for comments but not linked to anyone else that could link back to me.

Because, yeah...I got stuff I want to get out of my head but not where everyone I know can see.

Judy said...

I don't worry about what I post too much. I don't know that many people I really know read my blog (I know, for sure, of about five people irl who do) but I just write what I want to write. Shoot, if I wanted to talk about someone, the odds are I've already said it to their faces... lol. Tactful soul that I am.

Anonymous said...

Who says a blog has to be everything?? You can be Manic Mom and still keep some things personal. Like when you fell asleep drunk with Diva - that was kind of creepy to be honest with you. Moms shouldn't fall dead drunk asleep next to their kids. If that stuff is even serious - maybe you're teasing us and trying to be "Manic" because you're blogged out? That's OK too.
Cut yourself a break.

KIMSTAGLIANO said...

Steph, I hear you. Some people know I blog, others don't. It does get a little weird. My Mom has figured the whole thing out too - she called me the other day to talk about my blog. Thank God I'm 43 and not 13 or I'd have about fainted! :)

The Cat said...

As much as anyone in blogland, I know exactly what you mean. I know that you've read both my blogs and the difference between the anonymous one and the public one is absolutely astounding. Maybe create another identity and go for your life on another blog.

cubmommy said...

I agree. I have things I want to say and I am afraid of what people will think of me.

My family doesn't know about my blog but my mother-in-law knows about it but doesn't know the name of it.

Sometimes I want to let it all out but I can't handle any criticism.

Manic Mom said...

Hmmm... I just realized I wrote this post on April Fool's Day and I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

kimhidesfromgooglestagliano said...

Another sucky thing about blogging is that your comments get tossed into cyberspace and end up in Google. Didja know that? I've started using my name, but under "other" sometimes. It's easier than having my random comments haunt me forever.

Cheer up, Manic! We need you to be, well, Manic! :)

KS

Lolly said...

Maybe you just need an anonymous blog to let it all out?

Manic Mom said...

Lolly, I think so! : )

Anonymous said...

I don't know the non-blogger you, and I don't really know the blogger you, because I'm not a regular reader of your blog. But I do know this: you spend entirely too much time obsessing about yourself. Get over it. You ain't that big a deal.

Manic Mom said...

Mom, I told you to stop coming over to the blog if you can't say anything nice!

: )

BD said...

Unwanted exposure, eh...