Friday, April 27, 2007

Well This Is Just Shitty

WARNING:

If you wish not to read about normal bodily functions, (poop, for instance) I would suggest you move along and find some nice other blog that discusses something more entertaining, like Rosie quitting the View or Alec yelling at his kid.

So, you may remember in December a little post referencing me as the Toilet Clogger.

OK, I'm not. Not all the time. Occasionally, well, occasionally I've had plenty of fiber, and maybe our toilet needs to be snaked or something, but today was one of those days. Or maybe I should stop buying the Ultra Aloe, 16-Ply freaking toilet paper. I am beginning to think that's the culprit of these incidents.

So, had a little toilet problem today, nothing major, everything nasty cleared out OK but there was that soggy paper left in the bowl, and that tiny bit of water that leads you to believe there is a toilet issue.

So, I leave it, thinking that it'll clear itself up. I flush it a little later, the water rises to the top, with about a half-inch of safety net. I heave a sigh of relief. The water did not go any higher.

I got the plunger out, and tried to plunge a little, and keep in mind, this is not gross plunging, or else I wouldn't have gotten the plunger out, I would have just waited till Hubby got home and blamed it on one of the kids.

So I plunged a little, nothing happened, flushed some more and watched the water rise again to the half-inch mark and stop. Again, I heave a sigh of relief.

Fast-forward six hours, back at home, and the phone rings. It's Swishy. She has just received the CDs I sent her so we're chit-chatting (if you could hear our conversations...), and then I tell her how I clogged the damn toilet again, and she starts laughing and says, "Didn't you blog about that once?"

I'm like, "Yeah, why does this always happen to me." Then I go into the bathroom, with Swishy still on the phone and I tell her I'm going to try to plunge it some more.

The toilet is looking OK. Not so much water. No gross stuff, just some of that ultra 16-ply sogging up the toilet hole (what is that called anyway? The toilet spout? Is there a name for that place where it all goes down?).

So, I'm plunging and laughing with Swish on the phone, griping about it, and griping that I'm home and Hubby's downtown tonight for something and then I flush and watch as the water rises. No worries. I've flushed it six or seven times since "the incident" and the water always rises to half-inch and then stops.

Except for this time.

The water begins its slow cascade over the rim and I begin to scream, "OH MY GOD! IT'S OVERFLOWING!"

Swishy's yelling, "No it's not!"

"Yes it is! Fuck! Shit! Fuckshit! AJERS, GO GET ME ALL THE TOWELS IN THE HOUSE!"

I totally floundered in the emergency. I wanted to start bailing water, but with WHAT?! I tried to put the garbage can next to the toilet to 'catch' water, which is the dumbest thing I could ever think to do. I am standing in poo water, and it's sliding all across the floor, into the foyer, behind the door, almost to my office, and into the hall closet.

"Swish! I gotta go!" And I toss the phone God-only-knows where.

"THROW ME THE TOWELS!" I sop up the mess with seriously, about 18 towels, and my feet are squishing all over it and I'm yelling at the kids, and I'm standing in water that has housed about a million poos from our family alone, and if I think about it I'll start puking.

I noticed water went down the air vent, so after I have the 18 soaking towels layered upon one another to sop it all up, we trudge downstairs, and yes, of course, there is water seeping from the ceiling onto the desk, the carpet, the computer harddrive.

Holy Eff Bomb!

I am furious, mad, angry, but then also thankful that I do not live alone because, even though I am handling this situation as best as I can, I have come to realize that I need my husband for more than just S E X! Ha, did I just say that! Like I even need him for THAT!

Anyway, long story too long, I am pissy, want to open a bottle of wine and suck it down. My feet, although I have washed them in the shower, feel yucky to me, tainted from walking in poo-water, and my hands aren't feeling that fresh either.

Yuck. Yuck, Double-triple-yuck-fuck.

So after screaming for towels, screaming because of the mess, screaming because the basement ceiling is now leaking, I go into the kitchen, still screaming and tell the kids to put on that damned movie now or else they can go to bed!

Then I say to Diva, "I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A MAJOR FREAKING FIT!"

Diva says very timidly, so I don't scream at her, "Mom, no offense, but I think you already did."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Addendum: So, Hubby just calls and I tell him the toilet overflowed again.

"Who's the culprit?"

"It doesn't matter," I say. "That toilet NEEDS TO BE SNAKED!"

"Did you clean it up to save the wood floor?"

Me, "Of course!"

We start to bicker a little bit about the problem, I tell him we need a plumber, and that it's not my fault!

He says he'll talk to me when he gets home. I say I don't want to fight about it.

He says, we're not fighting about it, he just does not want to discuss my stinky poops while he's trying to drive home.

I just can't win, can I?

Shit.

20 comments:

Leslie said...

sounds like you already did! Ha!

Eileen said...

We have these college kids painting our house. One kid, all of like 19, knocks on the door and asks to use the bathroom. After a few minutes and couple flushes he has to come and ask for the plunger. I think he wanted to die. Poor kid.

eatmisery said...

What a mess! Stool softeners have saved my toilet many times. Heh...

krappykim said...

You have my sympathy. As you know, I know my shit. Well, mostly I know my kids shit. What a craptastrophe. Oh, last week I got a Google alert that a journalist in Vancouver, who was writing 6 piece on autism quoted me, or rather my newly coined word "The Crapisode." Please, Manic, feel free to borrow the word. It's most useful. UGH.

KIM STAGLIANO

Jenster said...

Maybe if you would follow Sheryl Crow's advice about the one square per event... I'm just sayin'.

Alicia said...

Yuck. Yuck, Double-triple-yuck-fuck.


My daughter got ahold of my FIBER ONE bars and ate 2 of them before I found out. That's 18 grams of fiber in 5 minutes. She's 3 years old. She farted all night long and then clogged the toilet the next morning with the biggest dump I've ever seen. Nasty shit.

I hope you saved your wood floors, dearie. That's unfortunate.

Monnik said...

Oh my God. This is great. I totally needed a shit post to lighten my mood this morning. I've been effing with TiVo and Dish Network since I woke up and was in a FOUL mood. Your craptastic post and the comments to go with it brightened my day. So at least there was some good done by the shitcident. :)

Beth said...

dang, that is some serious shit!

Our toilet has a really bendy thinga ma bob that the water goes through, so it gets plugged up ALOT...why can't they just make that hole straight so nothing gets caught in it?

Jenster said...

Forgot to say that my son seems to have toilet issues. Unfortunately, the husband threw away our lame plunger and the next day - AFTER trash day so we couldn't even retrieve it - the boy clogged up his toilet AGAIN!

First of all I think it was stupid to throw the plunger away without a replacement. But whatever.

Anyway, the boy (15 on Monday) put a sign on the toilet that said - "Do Not Use. Taylor took a man poo!"

The Anti-Wife said...

Had a similar problem myself a couple of years ago However, being single with no "hubby" to rely on, I did some research and just replaced the damned thing with the newest, most reliable, efficient and heavy duty toilet I could afford. My new one eats everything and in mass quantities.

Found out one interesting thing - if you live in a newer home, especially in a subdivision, your builder probably bought all the plumbing fixtures in bulk and didn't go top of the line. You may only have a 2" trap (that bendy thing) and they get clogged easily. (Same thing applies to older homes.) It pays to upgrade and make sure your toilet has at least a 3" trap.

Tell your hubby and plumber that and they'll be wowed by your expertise. I can throw in some more toilet trivia to impress them if you want. I've owned a fixer home for the last 12 years and am a veriable fountain of home improvement knowledge.

TTQ said...

That was Sue-"poo"-er! I got busted the other day..I THOUGHT it all went down..Honey calls me into the bathroom...he loves to tease me about my poo...and somehow it was there peeking through that trap or whatever it is..not alot but there none the less..I flush again after him, wait flush, wait flush, wait flush, Oh for Crap's Sake! Go away you little turtle head..*sigh* get plunger, one, two, three flush, wait. Gone *sigh of relief*

Manic Mom said...

Hearing all these poo stories makes me feel a little less alone in this crazy big ole' world!

John Elder Robison said...

I am male, and despite that, I have experienced similar troubles from time to time.

The answer is: TOTO.

The Mercedes-Benz of the toilet world.

And clean pipes.

Just consider yourself lucky it happened at home. Think of the other wives who have incidents like that in the factory, with heavy-duty industrial toilets.

Soaked from head to toe by the back-blast, with your magazine papered to the ceiling and who knows what else dripping down.

Gross as it seemed, your home experience is not so bad compared to that.

Well, you invited me and this is what I found . . .

Swishy said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I stayed on the phone for a couple minutes and listened to the shrieking and towel-getting, and I WAS DYING!!! I know it's not that funny, but trust me, if you could have heard it, you would have died laughing. Poooooor Manic!!!

BTW, I listened to my CDs ALL DAY!!! You ROCK! They are awesome and I love them and I love YOU!

1 plus twins said...

omg-too damn funny. i know you don't think so but that is funny. i hope nothing got ruined. i think it is the toilet paper!!! hang in there and get that plumber.

Colorado Writer said...

Well, what a shitty experience. My 15 yo son needs the plunger a lot. We have those low water use toilets...clog city, but nothing as traumatic as your experience! Jeez.

Lainey-Paney said...

ewwww.

sorry.

here's a random story that your post made me think of:
when I was younger, we had a creek that ran through part of our backyard.
It was Easter weekend, and we had a lot of rain. On Easter night, the creek rose & rose, and flooded our neighborhood. It flooded our house. We had floor airvents, and that actually saved us from a lot of water damage because a lot of water went down into the a/c system.

In the end of course, we had to get a new a/c system. And, we had to get our TV out of the pool, and the snakes out from under our house. And, they had to cut up the hardwoods to get huge fans under the house.

Yup...it sucked.

Alicia said...

I just want you to know that i was laughing about this post all weekend!

Rusty Nails said...

It's probably the TP. That mutli-ply, super-absorbent stuff soaks up the water like a sponge and then just swells up. It is so nice and soft though. The ? is: Do you want soft TP on your bum and an overflowing toilet; or do you want a little roughness and a free flowing john.

Andie said...

When I see the water start to rise on my toilet, I immediately turn the water off (you know the little twirly valve on the left side of the toilet. Then I plunge. 95% of the time, once you plunge, all of the water drains out and you're all set!

But I often have the same problem. I have a tendency to use a lot of TP.