Saturday, August 15, 2009

THe FaT Me

The Fat Me is back.

She's been back for a few months now, hanging around, making me depressed, urging me to just get a supersize order of fries or some Cold Stone Creamery (cake batter with sprinkles). She tries to be my friend, makes it fun to eat crap all the time. She says, "It's summertime! Keep eating all this good stuff. It's fun to go out with your friends and family and eat and drink and be merry. That's what summer is all about!"

I hate her. She's evil, and she's back. She's been here quite a few times honestly. I think she sneaks up when I'm emotional, maybe depressed. Maybe subconsciously, she jumps on board when I turned 40, or when Mr. Manic lost his job, then got his new gig that requires a ton of travel. Maybe the Fat Me suggests that going out for pizza with the kids will make me feel better, and why not get some ice cream afterward? They'll love you if you get them a treat, and hey, you might as well get a treat for yourself too. Cuz you're just not fat enough!

I am now. I can feel it. I know it. My fingers are puffy, everything is puffy. And when I gain weight, it's like a layer begins to cover me. Kind of the opposite of a snake shedding its skin; I grow a new skin all over. And it's got to be a protective layer. A layer to keep me from thinking of the things I don't want to think about. a layer to do what? I'm not sure -- maybe make me miserable? It's there, and it covers everything. I gain it everywhere, and i guess because I do, it's a slow process but then when I realize I have my fat suit back on, I think, Oh shit, The Fat Me is back.

How did she get here? And so quickly? Because she wasn't here at the end of March, when I was still relaxing in my Lifetime Weight Watcher status. She snuck in as I turned 4o in April. And she must have said, "I'll just stick around and see where things go." Things went. As in the scale. It went up.

Today, I woke up and got dressed and drove to Weight Watchers. I haven't been there in four and a half months. The Fat Me was still sleeping, so I took the opportunity to get out of bed and face the music. I wanted to get there early, so I would have some time to speak to the leaders, and so no one from before would see me and say, "Hey, she got fat again."

I went, and I cried. Not hard hot tears, but embarrassed tears. "I can't believe I let myself get this way again," I said to the two leaders. They were kind. They said it happens to everyone, but how is that a good thing if they admit that everyone fails? I know this is like the third time I've failed. I asked her not to tell me what the number on the scale was. I didn't look. I shut my eyes really tight as if I were anticipating a shot from the doctor.

"Tell me when you're done," I said.

It is 15 hours later and I still don't know what number she wrote down, but I know it's not a good number. And I counted points today and was extremely crabby, and I took my new bike out this morning and rode and listened to music, and the first song on my ipod was by Poi Dog Pondering ... This is the day, your life will surely change ... those were the words to the song as I got on my bike and rode.

I hope this is the day, and I hope that I will stay motivated. Because I do not want The Fat Me back in my life.

27 comments:

domestic_valerie said...

I'd love to be your Saturday AM WW long-distance internet buddy. That's when I go to my meeting. :)

I love that you have a bike now, I hope that helps in your journey to getting healthy again. It's so easy to slip! But it's great that you're going back and starting again and that you recognized you needed help to maintain your goals.

Weight loss and maintenance is a real bitch...in so many ways. Good luck and I'll be rooting for the skinny you to come back soon!

DawnfromCA said...

Good for you for facing your demons and jumping back on the bike! I have also become reacquainted with my fat self over the summer. I intend to start breaking up with her next week when the kids start school. You are not alone in the ongoing battle to get and stay healthy. I'm with you in spirit and we can cheer each other along as we kick our fat chicks to the curb!

BTW...I have the same mix cd as the one I sent you and it's good for dancing around with the kiddos!

Scott said...

Here are some fitness ideas for busy parents http://www.diyfather.com/content/Help_I_cant_exercise_I_have_kids

~Aimee States said...

Oh man, I totally feel bad for you. I know the feeling and it isn't a good one, no. Keep getting on that bike!

Amanda said...

OMG, you and me both! I am SO fat it's not funny. Kids go back to school on Tuesday and I' starting a new regime then. I also have a diet buddy. It's cheaper than Weight Watchers, more supportive seeing as she's my friend and more motivating seeing as I want to lose weight with her. Cinnamon shortbread a dim and distant memory :(

word ver - calsi - some how appropriate!! LOL!

moonrat said...

good for you!! i'm still in the caving for cake batter ice cream stage.

Monnik said...

Great job getting back on track. There are SOOOO many of us who can relate. The fact that you took the steps to get back into your comfortable skin means that you've won already.

Sending happy, healthy, energetic vibes your way.

noexcuses said...

Kudos to you for taking care of business. If you let it hang around too long, your eyes stop seeing it, and your body denies that it even happend! I speak from experience.

Stay with what works for you, and remember to support those who are also taking this journey. It will all come back to you.

Best wishes for staying motivated!

MaBunny said...

Good for you Stephanie, that you had the courage to get up and go to WW! I'haven't been back there for a year, and I never did reach my first 10 percent... but up until about a month ago I had been maintaining, neither gaining nor losing, but not so much anymore - I've gained about 3 lbs back, and its enough that I notice... Hang in there, I am and maybe we can commiserate together and say Adios to the fat us!

Land family said...

Love this post and I feel you. I'm dreading going to school on Tuesday with my kids because I know people will be commenting too. "Wow-she's fat again". :( I don't know how it came back and I don't look forward to losing it again. Food is way too comforting to me, but being fat sucks the big one.

I'll definitely be following you-best of luck!

morninglight mama said...

Manic-- how is it that you don't live in MD??? I so wish we were closer, because you simply cannot believe how much I identified with this post-- you've hit the nail on the head exactly for my situation as well. It is a summer thing, definitely, and it certainly doesn't help that you've had such a wild ride these past few months.

You can clearly accomplish what you desire-- you are such a strong woman, that much is clear. I so wish that the Fat Me and the Fat You could help each other transform into Svelter Ourselves!!

Thanks again for reminding me why your blog is among the first I click on from my reader every time.

Michelle said...

Amen. You want to know the shock I felt when I stepped on the scale at the gym yesterday? Yikes.

And I'm so doing the home cooking route for awhile now. And no more treats and birthdays. I didn't even have a cookie after church (yeah, like that's a major accomplishment?).

Good luck, Steph!

Swishy said...

YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL SO GUILTY FOR EATING COOL RANCH DORITOS AT 3 AM!!!!!!!

You are beautiful no matter what, but you will kick ass, I know you will.

Momma Sunshine said...

I think that looking at what purpose "the fat you" serves in your life will go a long way in helping you maintain a healthy weight. You began touching on it, I think - this whole idea of having a "protective layer". Keep working on this, I think you might uncover some good stuff.

I struggled with disordered eating for over 15 years - from the time I was 11 or 12 until I was in my late twenties. Sometimes I would be dieting and restricting my eating - other times, inhaling everything in sight. Really, though, these are just two sides of the same coin, I think. It wasn't until I was able to get to the root issues was I able to attain (and maintain!) a healthy weight. Although that's not to say that I still don't have to work on being healthy...because I do.

Anyhow, I don't know if my ramblings make any sense...but here you have it. Hang in there, and keep doing what you know you have to do. Everything will be okay. :)

Bina said...

Excellent post Manic. And I hope you don't mind if I say I have been feeling that way, too. I have NEVER been over weight in my life. I've ALWAYS been a size 4/5 and now I'm a fucking 8!!! And I'm depressed. I feel ugly. I won't buy new clothes so I have nothing to wear. I haven't worked out since October, when I developed bronchitis, and I feel like no one gives a flying crap about me, so why should I???

Enough on that. I wanted to tell you how much I LOVE LOVED LOVED "The Opposite of Love". I couldn't put it down this weekend. It was WAY more than I expected it to be. And I love how she writes. And I loved the fact that Emily told the story. I love books like that. I don't like someone else telling a story, I want to hear from the character. I will definitely be looking for the new book she has out as well. The girl who doesn't talk after her mommy was killed, and the Aunt has gone to Britian? It sounds great so far.

Sandra R from CA said...

Seriously?? Until you start educating yourself about food, truly HEALTHY food, and kick that junk crap once and for all, FAT YOU will always come back. And it will eventually stay... just ask youself, how many days out of the last year have you felt "too fat" as opposed to "just right"?
You will have to learn a lot about food, and once you start eating healthy it will take a while until your tastes start changing. What you devour now will at some point become unbearably fat/salty/sweet/artificial. It takes time, work, attentiveness. But the reward will be immense. Not to speak of your kids! I would die from guilt if I were feeding my kids junk crap. What a foundation for a long and healthy life, huh?
This isn´t supposed to be mean, more like a wake up call. Stop cheating yourself. I see so many people constantly cheating themselves on the issue of food, smart people like you, and it drives me crazy! You will always be "fat" if you keep eating like you do. So either embrace it and wear it proud and beautifully and screw the ideal of skinny that society shoves down your throat, or go and make a FUNDAMENTAL change. I am for the latter, not because I think we all need to be skinny, but because of the health factor. Eat healthy, REALLY TRULY healthy, educate yourself, and your weight will fall into place. Or stop bitching and be fat and happy.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Thanks to all of you who were supportive and understanding to this very hard post for me to write.

Sandra, thank you for writing too. I don't think you've been on the blog too long because I have been at a healthy happy weight before and know how to get back to it. I am an emotional eater for very sure.

Amy said...

Took courage to write this girlie. Proud of you.

You know what -- you don't need points to do this. Eat healthy and exercise and you'll get back to where you want to be. Summer is the easiest and best time with all the fruits and veggies in season.

I know you biked to the farmer's market earlier this summer, so try doing that again this week. And the next. And the one after that. I think you'll have fun if nothing else!

Hang in there...

JODI said...

Oh hell I am the fattest me I have ever been. And I am walking back into work in a world of "it's my birthday have a cupcake to celebrate Mrs. Avery"...a world I don't know how to say no to. I need a Saturday AM WW long-distance buddy--bad!

I'm also thinking...you don't look bad you just feel that you do.

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

Manic - I'm frustrated for you and by you. Here comes a lecture from your friend with 3 autistic kids. Ready?

You have SO MUCH! Three healthy kids who will grow up and leave the nest. A husband bringing in an income. A damn good one. A home of your own. A loving extended family. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps before life hands you a whopper of a problem and you can't manage it.

You - Manic Mommy - are a funny, smart, energetic woman loaded with talent. You are not a number on a scale - and you have the power to change the scale anyway. But you are NOT your weight. I admire you and how you bring happiness and laughter to so many. I'd like you be as happy as you make US, your readers.

K

Amanda said...

Kim has a point Manic - the only bad thing is what the scales say? Tough love says "Get over it!" as your friend I say "Who cares? we'll go walking instead of sitting in Starbucks and that dress will fit again."

word ver promm....pro manic mummy?!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Hey my friends Amanda and Kim -- it's not what the scale says, in fact, I haven't even looked at the number they wrote down on Saturday. This is totally, completely how I am feeling about myself, and how my clothes are fitting, or rather, NOT fitting! And I know I need a change. I can already tell I'm feeling better in just four days -- my fingers are no longer morning sausages and I am going out for a bike ride this a.m. The kids start school today! : )

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

Starting school? You just lost what, 150 pounds? :) Get writing - we need more Manic Mommy writing!

Hapi said...

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Sue said...

Fat me has arrived too. I am hoping she starts exercising once the kids go back to school.

eatmisery said...

Manic, I think those lyrics are from The The's song "This Is the Day," not Poi Dog Pondering. I'm a big The The fan. I don't recall PDP writing that.

You've had a stressful couple of months, Manic. You'll get back to your fighting weight soon enough. There's just nothing easy about getting there. I wish you luck.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Eat mis--yeah, you're right, that other song is from The The, which I do love that song. Poi covers it sometimes. But the song I was listening to that day was From This Moment On by Poi (it's pretty new by them, on their album called 7. And it says, "from this moment on, everything will change." I know the band is fans of The The too -- you should check it out. It does sound a lot like The The's song! How's the pregnancy? Getting down to the wire? : )