Thursday, May 13, 2010

PaRaLyZeD

That's how I'm feeling: Paralyzed. I'm walking around my house as if someone has died. No one has died. Everything is fine. I'm just moving. I'm moving my family from Chicago to Scottsdale. A beautiful location. People would trade many things in their lives to be in my situation right now. To never have to shovel snow again. To never have to need a winter coat or to have to search for a matching pair of gloves or to have to deal with the Chicago humidity or the slush and the dirty snow that winter brings. Or to have to deal with the gloom of January and February where all you want to do is hunker down into the covers and sleep until May. So why do I feel like I'm walking through a cloud and that there is no end in sight and that I am not breaking through into any sort of happiness?

Why am I feeling like I'm in a complete standstill and that nothing is going to change?

Why is it that I have a million things to do in less than two weeks and all I want to do is cry and lay on the couch and take a bunch of xanax (not really, but kinda, no really, not really!) and just dull the feelings that I'm having to get through the next two weeks, and avoid anyone and everything to just get out of here and be done with it all and start over?

Cuz I know it's all ending here and I need to just start over.

I don't mean that my friendships are ending. I know that part's not over. My friendships are NOT over. They will never be over. God, I have a lump in my throat right now and I know what I'm saying is not making much sense but the breakdown is coming; it's expected. This is hard, and I'm going through the motions of packing it all up, of keeping it all together, of bringing my family full circle to a new place, a new beginning, and yet I walk around like a zombie, clothes unfolded, dishes on the counter, shit everywhere. Yeah, the cabinets are cleaned out, and yeah, I've purged the stuff that needs to be purged, and yeah, when the final hour comes, everything will be in perfect order, but it's just so much to do and so little time, and it's like I don't know where to start (Even though I have started, and i have made headway, and I am getting through this), but it just doesn't feel like I am.

The antsy-ness of it all. I just want it to all be over with. I want to get to the excited part. I want to get over the sad part and start the excited part. I want to not think about what I'm going to be missing and start thinking about what we're going to have out there. I want to fast-forward, but I don't because I don't want to miss stuff. But I just want this part to be over with. Why the hell does it feel like the grieving process of the death of a loved one?

I'm keeping it together though. really. For the most part.

12 comments:

Maureen Lipinski said...

Because it IS a greiving process, you know? Moving from one life phase to another. My sister just moved back home after graduating college, and while she's excited about moving on, she's sad about leaving that life behind.

Heidiopia said...

Hang in there, Steph. May is such a crazy month of "endings" anyway, I always find it bittersweet. Yours is magnified by this huge change coming your way. It's ok to mourn for the life you've enjoyed in Chicago, where you've been raising your kids, writing, doing the "mom" thing. Everyone would think you're crazy if you didn't.

Christine in NJ said...

Even "paralyzed" you write soooo damn well! I feel you totally... Leave all the stuff you have to do and do something fun & crazy with the kids tonight... Hubby is home soon and you can dump it all on him! HaHa

It will all come together and it will all work out and all this packing and moving agony will be worth it in the end!

And smile...
Christine

Melisa with one S said...

All I can say is, that kid of yours better get his butt to school tomorrow so we can comfort you over lunch.

xoxo

Janice said...

When I read this I wanted to say through the computer, "You'll be excited once the funeral is over!" Because it does sound like the funeral process, where you're getting everything ready for the big day and it all just hurts. Then the big day comes and you cry and cry some more. Then the big day is over and you feel relieved because now you can move forward. Keep your chin up!

morninglight mama said...

You can do this. You'll look back on this post in a year and smile wryly and think of all the new adventures the previous 12 months held.

You are awesome and you can do this.

Amy said...

Everything you are feeling is totally valid.

Just hang in there. It will suck until you're there and then you can be excited about fresh starts.

eatmisery said...

You ARE grieving, Steph! Moving is a life-changing event. I'm surprised your kids are holding up so well. It's okay for you to be sad. You're working through it all, little by little. Once you get to Scottsdale, you can relax, look back, and say, "I did it and I'm okay."

Dawn from CA said...

I've felt that exact same way many times..sometimes it's all just too overwhelming to take in. This too shall pass and you'll be ready to take on your to do list in no time.
Sending ya a big cyber hug from California!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

You guys, thank you so much for these words of encouragement. Each morning when I wake up I just think, OK, one more day behind me until we can begin again. Even if I don't get the shit done, it'll get done somehow! Thanks! I love you all for all your support and friendship! Cyber AND real life! xoxoxo And I can't tell you how thankful I am for blogs and facebook. It's going to help me so much when I get out there knowing that you all will still be "here!"

Mrs4444 said...

Moving is a big deal, especially that far. I'm happy for you, but I get it; I've been there. Good luck to you :)

Dawn said...
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