PaRaLyZeD

That's how I'm feeling: Paralyzed. I'm walking around my house as if someone has died. No one has died. Everything is fine. I'm just moving. I'm moving my family from Chicago to Scottsdale. A beautiful location. People would trade many things in their lives to be in my situation right now. To never have to shovel snow again. To never have to need a winter coat or to have to search for a matching pair of gloves or to have to deal with the Chicago humidity or the slush and the dirty snow that winter brings. Or to have to deal with the gloom of January and February where all you want to do is hunker down into the covers and sleep until May. So why do I feel like I'm walking through a cloud and that there is no end in sight and that I am not breaking through into any sort of happiness?

Why am I feeling like I'm in a complete standstill and that nothing is going to change?

Why is it that I have a million things to do in less than two weeks and all I want to do is cry and lay on the couch and take a bunch of xanax (not really, but kinda, no really, not really!) and just dull the feelings that I'm having to get through the next two weeks, and avoid anyone and everything to just get out of here and be done with it all and start over?

Cuz I know it's all ending here and I need to just start over.

I don't mean that my friendships are ending. I know that part's not over. My friendships are NOT over. They will never be over. God, I have a lump in my throat right now and I know what I'm saying is not making much sense but the breakdown is coming; it's expected. This is hard, and I'm going through the motions of packing it all up, of keeping it all together, of bringing my family full circle to a new place, a new beginning, and yet I walk around like a zombie, clothes unfolded, dishes on the counter, shit everywhere. Yeah, the cabinets are cleaned out, and yeah, I've purged the stuff that needs to be purged, and yeah, when the final hour comes, everything will be in perfect order, but it's just so much to do and so little time, and it's like I don't know where to start (Even though I have started, and i have made headway, and I am getting through this), but it just doesn't feel like I am.

The antsy-ness of it all. I just want it to all be over with. I want to get to the excited part. I want to get over the sad part and start the excited part. I want to not think about what I'm going to be missing and start thinking about what we're going to have out there. I want to fast-forward, but I don't because I don't want to miss stuff. But I just want this part to be over with. Why the hell does it feel like the grieving process of the death of a loved one?

I'm keeping it together though. really. For the most part.