Like Cho

I am just trying to understand all of this. And this morning, I woke up, and had these thoughts. They are just my thoughts. Nothing else. I feel so desperate for the families of the victims. I am not accepting or excusing what he did, only God can do that. I am just trying to think through things, work through my feelings, and wonder how Cho felt his whole life. It is bothering me. That is all this post is about. Feel free to comment at length, but please know these are just some things I think about and felt like sharing. I would love to hear your thoughts on this as well. Here goes:

What if
a student,
when asked his name
the first day of school,
stood up,
yet looked down at
bitten fingernails,
felt tears begin
their usual burn, and
said,

"I could be like Cho.
I feel lonely.
I am shy.
I have no friends.
I am shattered inside."

Would you
reach out to him?
Smile?
Say hello?
Choose him for your
lab partner?
Turn
your head
as you passed in the hall?
Laugh at him as others did?
Move to the
other side
of the room
when you see him
sitting
all alone, face down,
always face down,
searching out his sandwich.
Willing to be swallowed up,
an instant hole in the ground.

Would your eyes
shine with a terror
you'd never known
when he finally
one day
faced you
eye to eye?

Would "hello" ever have
been enough?

To calm the angry, anxious,
hateful storm
that emerged
on a day,
not unlike today,
in our already
not-safe world.

In a world that has since
been changed forever.

Would hello had been enough?

I think I know.
I feel
no hope arrived.

He made that hole, crawled inside.
But not before taking 32
lives, ruining hundreds,
making thousands fear
their walk outside,
their school,
their children's safety,
the grocery store,
church.

He wanted to be seen.
Nobody saw him
his whole life

And now, because of
one man's anger
at not
being recognized,
we
will know him
for all our lives.
Those of us who were
not cut short
of life.

How can we be safe again?

Would hello
have been enough?