I Can't Think Of A Title Right Now

I hate when he leaves. We pick at each other, like purposely get into nit-picky fights to make it that much harder, and I know I'm doing it, and I know he's doing it, and he knows I'm doing it and he knows he's doing it, yet we still fight right before he has to go. I don't know if it's a tactic to make it easier? But this time he's gone longer than he usually is, and we were mean to each other. Me, asking him to wipe Tukey's butt before he leaves. Him, telling me that he's already emptied the dishwasher, kept the kids quiet so I can sleep in, cleaned up, fed them breakfast. I asked him if he's keeping score cuz if he is, then I don't want him doing these things around the house and I'll do them when I feel like doing them.

Then, I cry. I flop onto my bed and start crying. Is it my period that's coming? Is it because I know the kids are going to make me crazy when he's gone? Is it because I'm just moody? Is it because I'm going to miss him terribly? I don't know. I just cry. I'm crying right now, and I don't know why.

Ajers has a game. It's about 10:00. I have to take him to the game which starts at 10:30. I am waiting so we can all say goodbye to daddy. He's like, "Doesn't Ajers have to be at his game," all accusatorily, like I'm not keeping up my part of the deal as mom. Like it's going to freaking matter if he's 15 minutes late, which is really 15 minutes BEFORE the stupid game starts. I tell him that we were going to wait until HE left so we could all say goodbye to him. This makes me feel like I'm a bad mom, and come on, it's a stupid baseball game where they just stand in a field three-quarters of the time. Who the fuck cares if he's on time, rather than a half-hour early.

I yell to him, "Then take him!" And I start crying. And Ajers gets in the car, and I'm crying and he hugs me and tells me he'll call me when he lands, and you know I won't wash his dirty t-shirt he slept in last night, and if there's a coffee cup out there that isn't washed, I'll keep it there until he returns and I'm writing this in the hopes of counter-jinxing it so nothing bad will happen when he's gone, and as I'm writing this, I totally know my mom is going to read and freak out, but MOM, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME! I am going to have a Cinco de Mayo party tonight with all the neighbors and my world-famous Margaritas so I will be fine. Or just drunk and wallowing in my self-pity (See, I can laugh!)

The phone just rang. He has to come back after dropping AJers at his game. He "forgot" something.

I'm glad.

Because I love him.