Saturday, September 29, 2007

Bra Nazi

I’ve met her. The Bra Nazi.

Distant cousin to The Soup Nazi:



You enjoy that snippet of The Soup Nazi? Long live Jerry. Love live him, I say!!

This post, well, it’s about boobs and bras and stuff.

My boobs are fine. They’re regular, normal, I –had-three-kids-breastfed-none-of-‘em boobs. (Well, I consider myself a never-breastfed mom since I only did 11 days of breastfeeding between two of the three.)

But, this isn’t about breastfeeding. It’s about B O O B S.

Boobielicious!

So delicious!

B to the O…. O…. B, the I, the E. Ain’t no other boobies flappin’ round like me.

Go to 1:16 on the time, you'll see what I mean...Hopefully, you all know this song; otherwise the sentence above makes absolutely no sense.

So, back to the boobs. Three kids, thirty-eight years of having a chest that’s neither too large or too small, I never really felt like my boobs were anything spectacular. I never amp ‘em up, show ‘em off (well, unless you count Spring Break Daytona ’88 where for some reason I thought I was Pamela Anderson and not only entered a wet-T contest one night, but also decided I should participate in a little bit of skin showing off a balcony at around 2 the following afternoon… Hey, it’s Spring Break, what can I say? Other than Diva is never allowed to go to Florida BY HERSELF with a bunch of friends on a bus loaded with wasted college kids… MOM? DAD? What were you thinking???

So, anyway, I accept and live with what God has given me. I’m thankful that they’re healthy (SPEAKING OF HEALTHY—OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER MONTH—Get those suckers SQUISHED Seriously! I did, and I do, and will contiue so you should too!)

Back to the Bra Nazi story. Usually, I buy a bra, hope it fits, and get on with my day.

Probably most of you do too?

I know Oprah had a big bra show a year or two ago, and some of my friends even ventured to the city to get sized and fitted for new bras (Sue!). I used to think, “Oh, I’m OK with the bras I have.” But for some reason, I had an epiphany the other day, Not the In the Shower Epiphany, another time. And I thought, I need new bras. I need bras that lift and separate, and allow my ta-ta’s to be joyous and northbound! Not east and west, and God forbid… South…

I went to the Bra Nazi. This lady owns a store where she specializes in sizing. She’s like one of the best-kept secrets in town. I go in, originally, to look for something for my reunion, which IS NEXT SATURDAY!, and then discover she is also a Bra Nazi. They make you fill out a form, like you’re signing away your first-born. The first time I went in there and thought I should get sized, I fill out this three-page form and answer such questions like, “What size are you?”, “When did you sprout your nubbies?”, “What is your relationship to your breasts?”, “Would you describe yourself as Boobielicious?” Nah, just kidding; I made some of those up.

But when I get to the bottom of this questionnaire, I see that there is a TWENTY-FIVE DOLLAR FEE JUST TO BE FELT UP!!!

I’m thinking, “I don’t even spend $25 for THREE bras, and they expect me to pay that much just to have some Bra Nazi wrap a measuring tape around me?” I bolt outta there, using the ever so popular excuse: “I have to go catch the school bus.” It’s 9:40 a.m. There is no school bus at 9:40 a.m.

So, that night, I go get my hair cut and colored, because you know, MY REUNION IS NEXT SATURDAY! And Pam, my hair-gal and I are talking boobs for some reason, and bras. I have no idea why we were talking ta-ta’s, maybe I brought it up about my search for the perfect pom-pom holder. That’s when she says, “Oh, I go to Tina’s Closet to get all my bras.”

THE BRA NAZI!!

The next day, I go back. I tell her I need to be sized. Because I have witnesses now! I can trust her.

She throws me into a room, after, of course, I sign away… (turns out, that $25 fee is waived if you buy one of her $85 bras. Kidding, they’re not really $85)… so I’m in a room, she comes in, asks me what size I “think” I am. I tell her I am probably 38-40 C. She tsk tsks, because she is the Bra Nazi so NO ONE ever knows their ‘real’ size. She straps the tape around me, and says, “Oh, your tiny up here” meaning my rib cage area, not my cup size, but still that has me in fits of obnoxious giggles because I bet she says that to ALL the girls. And of course, she sizes me below what I think I am in the rib cage area, and ABOVE in the cup-size area…

36D.

Yeah, Right. After the fact, I wish I would have thought to say, “LET ME SEE THAT TAPE MEASURE!” Because I am sure she measures, then subtracts automatically two inches, just for good measure –hee hee, like that one? “Good measure?” That’s a play on words…

She’s got to down-size everyone. I’m thinking No way in hell is a 36 gonna fit ‘round me. She grabs some samples, tosses them to me, and I begin to strap myself in. It’s tight. Like corset-tight tight. But the cups look good, front-and-center, perky and upright, and the tightness does make me stand up a bit more erectly. So, I consider this one. Then she comes in, raves about it, tells me the back should be tight, so it doesn’t ‘ride up’ which is really what it had been doing in the previous-bra-wearing existence of my life.

I ask her to bring me a 38 just so I can ‘feel’ the difference. She scowls at me. How dare a customer doubt Bra Nazi? She says, “I’m not going to let you buy a 38.”

I promise Bra Nazi, “I won’t buy it; I just want to try it on to see how it’s different.”

She very reluctantly brings me a 38, but she did, and I tried it on, and it kinda sagged a bit, didn’t feel as ‘soldier-esque’ stand-at-attention like the 36 did.

She’s right.

I buy three of them. And they weren’t overly expensive, and I wore one out last night, and I stood a little taller, looked a little prouder, felt a bit more … hmmm… how did I feel? OK, it was tight. But not unbreathably tight, and I did feel better in my shirt, so maybe the Bra Nazis got something, but I can assure you, I am not a 36.

She’s a Bra Nazi on Crack, and I just bought the goods.

44 comments:

Swishy said...

Ohhhhh! I wish I had gone with you! You will have to take me next time I am there. I have gotten measured at Victoria's Secret before, but they discontinued my favorite bra, and the other ones don't fit the same.

Colorado Writer said...

OMG MM you are so freaking funny. I hate undergarments, Victoria's Secret and thongs with a passion.

Did I mention I hate bras. Wonder if being a 36A has anything to do with it?

I buy those bras in the teen section at Kohls. The kind that have frogs, ice cream cones, or skulls on them.

Drew Blackstone said...

OK, this is soooo unfair.

Any time guys sit around and talk about boobs, everyone thinks that we're a bunch of adolescent perverts.

Whatever. Totally unfair.

Amanda said...

I had the cheapest boob job EVER going to get fitted properly - I have photo's of old bra v new bra under the same t-shirt and BOY can you see the difference!

Eileen said...

This was so funny, that I almost fell off the bed. Now I want to run to Walmart and buy a bra that is 2 sizes smaller around the back and a size bigger in the cup, to see if it helps the perks up the girls. Who needs to breathe? Who cares if it explodes when I bend over, I'll just stand tall. The Bra Nazi may just be on to something.....who needs comfort. I mean bras are just so comfortable in general, LOL.
Loved this post!

B. said...

We wear the same bra size. I also thought I was a C cup until I got fitted awhile back. It did make a difference!

Flat Pat said...

Sigh, my bras have Dora the Explorer on them. Size ABC as in preschool.... Great post, Manic!

Monnik said...

You are so funny. I was giggling through this whole post.

I need to have my girls sized. i know i don't buy the right size. Tim and Veronica like to tell me how important it is to get a good 'foundation'...

Manic Mom said...

Swish--Damn my reunion--if I didn't have it, we could spend the weekend together, hanging at the Midwest Lit fest and trying on bras!

CO--You're so funny! Sometimes I think a 36A would be nice. No flappin' in the wind. By the way, you aren't really a 36A... that translates to a 34B--you go girl! Happy belated b'day as well--Hope Steptember was Stephtacular!!!

Drew, you're always welcome here to talk ta-ta's with us gals!

Amanda--email me those photos girlfriend! I might have to do a photo shoot myself to show everyone the perky new, rib-cage smashed me!

Eileen--you are absolutely the BEST for sending me that email! I have not been breathing all that much today!

B--so you knew the secret already!!! Same-size sistas unite!

Flat Pat... is this Pat who I will be lunching with on TUESDAY??

Monnik==Did you name your ta-ta's Tim and Veronica?!??!

Hey guys, do me a favor? If you liked this post, and if you have friends with floppy ta-ta's would you mind emailing them the link to Manic so they can have a laugh? I am trying to get more readers!!! THanks!!!

gtj said...

We have one of those here too - it's called The Bust Stop (how cute, huh? lol) - I went there about 2 years ago after I got fed up with having bras that didnt fit or werent comfortable... I was buying 38-40 DD but when I went to TBS they sized me at a 36G, yep G. - lol

Anyways... the one thing that I found about having a bra that actually fits is that it is actually comfortable - before I used to find any excuse to change into something that didnt require a bra because it was so uncomfortable, which then brought back horrible memories of my mother going everywhere sans bra (and everyone in my family is big on top) and being totally embarassed and not wanting my sons to go through that is partly what made me go to The Bust Stop...

much better now...

g.

Jenster said...

So if you don't like her recommendation does she say, "No bra for you!"?

Boobs - so many things I could say about them. But I shall refrain.

I will tell you that before the boobs that are now I had a bra fettish. When I cleaned out my drawers after the mastectomy I had 36. That's more than a bra for each day of the month. I was like the Emelda Marcos of brassieres.

*sigh* Someday...

Manic Mom said...

Jenster... I heart YOU!

The boob thing... my girlfriend's sis just had a double masc... boobs are on my mind a lot lately. Especially also since Oct is the month of boobs...

Cecily R said...

My friend calls after the baby boobs "rocks in socks".

My third grade teacher's boobs could have been tucked into her waist band. I wonder if she ever accidentally did that?

A friend of mine had a breast reduction in high school and told everyone she had back surgery. Everyone knew the truth.

My mother in law is a breast cancer survivor that is an amazing example of strength to me.

Okay, random boob thoughts over.

Great post Manic!

Kim Stag said...

One of the cheapie brands (Hanes I think) has come out with "nearly" sizes - like half cup sizes. "Nearly A, B,C" I wonder what the Bra Nazi would think of that? And my dear friend was a cup size J when she was nursing. We laughed like heck, "J for Jugs!" I usually wear size P, for padded.....

amanda said...

OK, confession time, I skipped over to 40 weeks to get the next bit and it wasn't there. First thought was dissappointment. This may mean I'm hooked. Bugger.

Kristabella said...

I did the same thing at Vicky's Secret and was wearing the wrong size for years.

But a little secrat....36D and 38C are the same size. But usually the bigger cup size fits a little better.

It really is amazing how good a well-fitting bra can make you feel!

KATE said...

Manic - As usual, you're hilarious! I love the ta ta talk! I was sized at Vic Secret, but that was 3 kids & 40lbs ago. I don't think I'm the same size anymore!! suck...
I do have the sad deflated balloon look going on. One day I'll invest in some new Chubbles. Until then I think I need to find a local Bra Nazi.
BTW I LOVE the soup Nazi, in fact my kids frequently reply (to anything, it doesn't necessarily have to make sense) "No soup for you, come back 1 Year!!" My kids are going to need therapy...
- Kate

KATE said...

I was meaning to ask...How's it going getting ready for your REUNION?! Are you liking the WL meds? Are they working for ya? tell tell! I can't wait to hear about the reunion!!
Any new cute outfit to go with your new cute boob job in a bra? tell all girly!
- Kate

amanda said...

Tell all?? Kate I think this calls for pictures.

Lainey-Paney said...

Okay then...I'm running out to buy a 32 C just to see...

I normally wear a 34 B....so, maybe her numbers game is perfect....


....glad you had fun with the girl on girl action of the bra-nazi.
;P

March to the Sea said...

you said boobs..like 50 times..hehehehe

Manic Mom said...

March:

Boobs.... Make that 51.

la bellina mammina said...

You are hilarious!! LOL!

cubmommy said...

I am afraid to see what I now. I am still breastfeeding so it will be a while until I can get measured. I know that the bra I have now is not working. I definitely need the lift. Pre-baby I was 34B.

kay said...

never been squished. what age are you supposed to start that anyway? 40?

you crack me up. and thanks so much for the soup nazi video. love it!!

Manic Mom said...

Kay--I think at 35 all women should get a baseline mammogram. Then they usually advise at 40. I am 38 but at 35 I got a baseline, and my insurance covers one mammo a year, so I go.

Too important for women's health! I hope you all consider getting the squish!

Especially since it's officially NATIONAL BREAST CANCER MONTH!

secretmom said...

I got measured at Nordstrom right before I left Seattle, and I as shocked by the size she thought I was. I'd been wearing the wrong one for years. And I can't believe what a difference it makes!

Also, getting my first mammogram in the next couple of weeks. Does it hurt?

amanda said...

In SUNNY scotland (yes, I said SUNNY!!) us girlies get to be squished every year from 50 - 70 I think. Anywhen, it's supposed to be the most at risk years so I have a way to go before taking the plunge and just grope myself regularly until then. It works out you stop having to have a smear and start having a squish. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire...

Stephanie Klein said...

I have a question for you... actually 2.
1) Do you think using the genius of Larry David/ Jerry Seinfeld and just changing "Soup" to "Bra" is the most clever you can be?

2) Do you find using the word Nazi as you do in this context trivializes the holocaust?

These questions might seem bitchy. They absolutely are not meant to be. I genuinely want to know what you think. And I ask because these are things I struggle with in my own writing. I ask myself if it's cheating, taking what someone else made funny (a long time ago) and just glomming onto it, and I wonder if it does at this point just trivialize what so many went through.

I had a weight nazi, a bra nazi (actually I called her Mother Russia... so, no, she wasn't a nazi), and I used to live across the street from the real soup nazi.

Though I do think making references like that, to pop culture, is stealing someone else's funny, or someone else's genius. It's like taking the easy way out... to, for example, describe someone as An Eddie Haskell type. When we reference pop culture icons in our writing (and I am totally guilty of this), I think it's being lazy.

amanda said...

SK get over yourself. Blatent use of work such as this is akin to a cover version of a record. The use of "nazi"? You are PC gone mad! Get over yourself

Patti said...

i shuddered at thinking of wearing a smaller bra...i don't want to feel like there's a boa constrictor around my boobs. i wants to be free. it helps that i am on the small size. or wait, am i? now i am all confused...

Stephanie Klein said...

As I said, I ask because I think of these things as they apply to my own writing. I have used the term Nazi on my blog a few times (in a very similar way), and I wondered if Manic Mom had thoughts of her own on it... you know, when we're forced to think of such questions. Especially in regard to writing, as I know Manic Mom does (not just blogging).

Anonymous said...

Oh god SK. Did you really need to insert your two cents here, this way?

KATE said...

Wow, I mean really, WOW!
Love ya Manic!! - Kate

Andrea said...

Love the Bra Nazi post! I had a similar experience about a year ago when I was hugely prego and could no longer fit in my pre-prego bra. Our shop is called A Fitting Place. Fitting, no? LOL! (I amuse myself too easily!)

In response to SK's comment, though I know she did not ask for my opinion - only yours, I'm of the belief that there is no such thing as an ORIGINAL idea anymore. I believe the closest we can come to original is in our delivery of an idea. The Soup Nazi from Seinfield inspired many spinoffs of the phrase, but who's to say that the Soup Nazi wasn't a spinoff of someone else's story about a Hair Nazi or a Steak Nazi or even a Bra Nazi? The only thing we know is what made the phrase famous, not where the writer got the idea. Therefore, I do not consider using someone else's material as an inspiration stealing.

Just my 2 cents. :)

(oh, and check your email!)

Tanya said...

Wow I usually do the opposite. I'm a 34B I think, but sometimes I wear an A, because then I fill the bra better. Is that bad?

Although I will say I got the most amazing bra at Fredricks. I find my lowest cut shirt and wear it round the house for my husband. :D

amanda said...

SK - if you didn't want my opinion, you shouldn't have asked for it but stuck to the privacy of email.

Language in general has literal meaning and contextual meaning so whatever you're doing, be it writing a book, blog or essay on quantum physics your aim is to communicate your thoughts to others accurately and nothing has more importance than that.

Don't Mess With Manic said...

Stephanie Klein is a pretentious woman who seems to think coming into another writer's blog and bashing her is acceptable behavior. This is from her own blog, get out your vomit bowls:

"I knew I wanted to be a storyteller since the fourth grade, but I didn't hone my writing skills until I worked with writers Mary Gordon, Colin Harrison, and Dani Shapiro while attending Barnard College. After graduating in 1997 with a B.A. in English and a concentration in writing, I worked as an interactive art director in advertising for eight years. While serving time behind a desk in midtown Manhattan, I realized I actually liked my job but didn't see it as a career. So I began to take night classes in photography and continued to work on my writing. Eventually, I broke into the red carpet world of photography (with my Nikon D100), shooting premieres, galas, and charity events by night, designing web sites in advertising by day. And on weekends, I photographed the grit and grandeur of New York City's Meatpacking District for The Hotel Gansevoort, where my latest collection, "Au Jus" adorns all the rooms, suites, and corridors of the hotel.

In January 2004, I began my blog, Greek Tragedy, where I tell things straight up and unfiltered. The Independent in London discovered my blog the summer of 2004, when they dubbed me, "The Internet Queen of Manhattan." Prior to this, I was unaware of my site's popularity. But when I was later featured on the cover of The New York Times Sunday Styles section, in July 2005, I learned Greek Tragedy was in the top 1% of all blogs (including all those political blogs out there).

Between 2004 and 2005, I was determined to write a memoir about moving on after a failed marriage, so I worked on a book proposal, found a literary agent, and eventually signed a two-book deal with Judith Regan. In August of 2005, I left advertising; convincing myself I wasn't quitting but was beginning a new full-time job from home. And that's where I am now. My first memoir Straight Up And Dirty is now available in bookstores, and I'm currently working with NBC Universal, writing the pilot for a half hour series based off the book. I'm also writing freelance articles and attending to my second memoir, MOOSE based off my experiences at fat camp. Oh, and of course, I'm blogging on Greek Tragedy about all of it."

SK, if you can't support your fellow writers, instead choosing to humiliate them on their own blogs, you ought to stay put in your own blog.

The Real Bra Nazi said...

SK--

No bra for you! One year...


Yadda Yadda Yadda

Carol said...

Fergawdsake, SK's not humiliating anyone on this blog, good grief. Opening a simple dialogue is all. You Americans, lighten up. You're all so anal.

Andie said...

it is amazing what a good bra can do for a girl, isn't it?

I recently got fitted and it makes a WORLD of difference. I was actually wearing the right size, but the wrong type of bras.

made a world of difference!

Manic Mom said...

Rob--thanks for the comment; I love getting the guy's point of view. Wish you had a blog--I'm sure you've got some good material in just the little bit I read from you here!

BTW, how'd you find MM?

Rob said...

>>BTW, how'd you find MM?<<

I was bored and googled "random subject". Then I found an depth discussion of breasts, laundry and dog doo. Now I seem to be hooked. Sad huh?

Oh, I almost forgot- Amanda, for expert analysis please send the pics you referenced to rjohn15183@aol.com.

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