Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Feeling Is Living, Right?

Prepare for a total rant about whatever.

So, I’ve been off my anti-dees for more than a full week. Can I tell a difference? You bet I can. When I was on Effexor, my life was leveled, not in a bad way, but in a way where I was going through the motions, getting through my days without too much drama or screaming, or feeling low. I functioned, and felt well.

I’m off them now. There are differences. I wasn’t sure there would be, but there are definite things I notice. Pre anti-dees, which was probably four or five years ago, spilt milk would send me into a fit of rage, screaming that the GD milk spilled, and how could that have happened? It would infuriate me, and I hated that feeling.

Those feelings are back. With a vengeance. And I hate it still, but it's uncontrollable. And I’m aware it’s happening, and I try to tell myself, “So what, the milk spilled.” So what if there’s dried-up Easy Mac stuck to the stove. What is the big fucking deal?

I woke up this morning with OCD. Too bad OCD doesn’t stand for … Owesomely Cut Dude or something like that to imply I was waking up with some hottie. Other than the hottie I married—for those of you who know Mr. Manic, I’m sure you’re laughing at that one!

I woke up wishing I didn’t have to get up to get the kids to school. Gloomy perfect Monday with spitting rain, dark skies. A sleep-in kind of morning. I thought I’d get Ajers and Diva to school, and then Tukey and I could sneak back to bed and snuggle during Curious George. That was my plan. But when I got downstairs and opened the fridge, I saw crumbs on the shelves, leftover little twisty ties in the drawers, onion peels! And I went ballistic, in the "I’ve-got-to-clean-this-shit-up-pronto" way, not in the "I'm-grabbing-a-knife-and-killing-myself" way.

I took everything out, wiped down all the shelves, tossed salad dressings dated from 2006, shelved items according to food group. I just had to do it AT.THAT.MOMENT.

Then, after it was all cleaned and organized, I realized there was no food. So, I went to the grocery store. When I got home, I cut up fruit and vegetables, filled snack-size baggies with carrots, pretzels. Filled canisters with goldfish, teddy grahams, wheat thins. I couldn’t help myself.

My OCD took over. I cut avocados. Celery. Carrots. Cucumbers. Red bell peppers. Pineapple. A cantelope. Apples. Cilantro. BROCCOLI! I washed and rinsed grapes. Cherry tomatoes. I have decided that if I have to throw any of this food out, I am never going to the trouble again. I used a new knife. That felt good. And I never once thought about cutting wrists or arteries. So that's good!

With Effexor, my OCD was dead. I could manage. I didn’t care that there was some purple onion peel at the bottom of the shelf or that there was a lemon chunk that had grown fur on it. Or that a bit of salt had sprinkled on the counter. Those things didn’t bother me at all when I was on Effexor. Now, they piss the hell out of me.

It’s weird. The highs are really, really beautiful highs, like, “I am so lucky to have the family I have, the life I have” kind of highs, and then the next minute, I’m reading about the first black kids who were integrated into an all-white public high school in nineteen-fifty-something (courtesy of Time for Kids, from Ajers’ fourth grade class), and I’m sitting there with a lump in my throat and bawling my eyes out.

But you have to feel to live, don’t you? I should be thankful I am able to have emotions, and feel gladness, and even feel the sadness because that makes the gladness all the more happy, right?

But, side effects of getting off this med have been less than pleasant. Migraines that make me vomit, an all-over itching that makes me feel like ripping my skin off my body in order to get relief. I even have to get the pasta spoon out or use a hair brush to scrape relief into my back. The itching is sporadic, every other day or so, but when it hits, I want to peel the top layer off my body. Benedryl helps, but then makes it hard to wake up in the morning. I was up from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. with itching on Sat.

OK, now I’m feeling very whiny, and distracted, and that wasn’t the point of this post, but I don’t even know if I had a point, which is making me think that the Effexor was also helping my ADD. OK, so I don’t have ADD, at least I don’t think I do, which maybe makes me think I do. Holy F bomb. Do you ever wonder if bi-polar people are aware they are bi-polar and what that entails, and how do they feel when they are bi-polar? Just curious. Cuz maybe I am. Bi-polar. Or not. I don't know!

See how whacked out I am that I cannot even stick to one subject. URGH!!

I go to the doctor tomorrow, and I have a list of things to discuss, like how do I stop itching. How do I stop these incapacitating migraines? How come I haven’t lost the 30 pounds I wanted to lose before my reunion? How come I GAINED the 30 pounds I lost through WW after Tukey was born. Why does the sun rise? Why do underwear climb up butt cracks? Why am I chewing my gum like a cow right now? Why do I enjoy posts about me chewing gum like a holstein? I do that a lot, I guess.

WHY AM I ITCHING RIGHT NOW?

You know what? I’m done. This is boring the shit out of me. Sorry I’m so whiny. Just tellin’ it like it is.

Peace UP. Maybe. I don’t know.

W
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PS. This post was written on Monday. I'm waaaaaayy better today.

25 comments:

amanda said...

OK, now b-r-e-a-t-h.

You itch because of the meds. you chew for vestibular stimulation so try jumping up and down or spinning round or eating something really hard like a carrot. the sun rises beause the moon goes down and no one knows why your knickers go up your bum it's just a girl thing.

Welcome to my world

Manic Mom said...

Love it, AManda, LOVE IT!

Colorado Writer said...

Whew!

MM I am so sorry for the way you are feeling.

I threw my printer down the stairs yesterday.

And kicked it.

And picked it up and threw it again.


Why?


There were 3 pennies, 1 dime and a mini screwdriver inside it and I needed to print my GD manuscript.

Yes.

I do have a 2 year old.

Maybe I need some of that Effexor you speak of.

TTQ said...

And that and few other 100 or so quirks is why nobody will let me stop taking my meds.
Honey just takes Prozac and will occasionly stop taking them (ok only 3 times) and shit goes flying, he has no patience, and I would guess he is a bit ADD. On meds no cursing at inanimate things or sending shit flying through the front lawn.
A friend of mine is bi-polar and she hates feeling drugged, so she will get the Dr to cut her doses then she spends three months crying and talking 90 miles an hour,then the Doc ups them again. And she is quasi compliant..and quasi normal. But I love her all the same and honey too..But most importantly I heart me.

Allison Winn Scotch said...

MM- Hang in there! And I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better today.

Kristabella said...

Hang in there. Talking to your doctor is a good idea. That can't be right.

I was on the Anti-Dees for about a year. And thankfully I didn't have any bad side effects when I went off them.

But as my doctor said, side effects should be minimal at best. Otherwise, something isn't working right.

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Swishy said...

When you feel like that, you're supposed to call me, because I will laugh, and then you will laugh, and then we'll both laugh, and you'll forget about the salt on the counter. At least until you get off the phone! :)

Cecily R said...

Wowza! You said you wrote a rant and that was one awesome rant! I agree with Swishy. You're supposed to call her so you laugh through it. :)

I hope talking to the doc gave you some solutions!

kay said...

go watch that "i love turtles" kid on swishy's blog. that cracks me up!

hopefully today will be a better day!! :)

Heather said...

Hi Manic Mom-I just LOVE your blog(s). I listed this one on my links page on my blog--hope you don't mind. Just curious on one thing...how did you know I viewed your blog w/o leaving a comment yest? I'd love to have that capability on my blog....email me casaderice@sbcglobal.net w/"the secret"....Thanks...your fellow Panera lovin chick.

Sherry Smyth said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry while reading this so I did a little of both.
As an Effexor-ite for about a year, I "heard" every word you said. I'm not sure now whether to stay on it or get off it...you present such good arguments for both.
Let us know what the doc says about the itching...and chewing gum like a holstein. That one's got me stumped!!! :)

Monnik said...

I hope you feel better for good soon, MM!

Can you send some of that OCD to me? My counters are crumby and I'm sure I have fuzzy lemon pieces somewhere in my fridge.

And cutting up veggies before using them? Wow. I totally need to be organized like that.

Tanya said...

Feeling is good. Even the ups and downs have got to be better than a nothingness. Besides you can use your experience to entertain others.

KATE said...

Manic- Well, you're right you do need to feel to live. I'm just so sorry you're feeling SO much right now. I would think those side effects would be wearing off. I hope anyhow. I'm sorry, I'm not coming off meds & I'm like that some days sweetie! Some OCD is good, it makes for a clean house, right. I'm just trying to find the positives. (which I'm NOT good at) But, I am very very sorry that things are crazy for ya, & I'm glad you're feeling better today, & I think you should call Swishy on those days too!!
Love ya - Kate

stewbie2 said...

I hear ya. Totally. And understand all-too-well. I've been off my mix of Fluoxotine and Risperdal for a month now. OCD?? Back in FULL FORCE. It's killing me...slowly. Anytime you need someone to help you cut up numerous vegetables, gimme a call...

Andrea said...

I'm glad you were better by Wednesday! :)

I got through my manic stages by learning deep-breathing exercises, so when Amanda said, "now b-r-e-a-th-e," I was right there with you. Once I got the buzzing slowed down to a functionable level, I could then analyze what sent me into my frenzy. Awareness is what helped me the most. Don't get me wrong - I still occasionally lose it, but things are better.

And I think TTQ and I have the same bipolar friend. :)

Jenster said...

I'm sorry you were having a time with getting off the meds, but glad things are a bit better. There's got to be a happy medium somewhere.

Jess Riley said...

Hang in there, hon; the clouds do part.

Hey, is there any way we could get together after your reunion? I'll email with the details...

Patti said...

for some reason i went right to butt scratching when you said you were using a spoon...not that i do that...i'm just saying it made me laugh and then i reread it and this time GOT it. sorry. am i wrong to like my version better?

(just so ya know, i was going for your laugh. figured a good spoon butt scratching would notch up the day...also, i have a fever right now, so when i read this tomorrow, i may...may...be horrified)

MyStarbucks said...

I like to think of myself as Collete Reardon from Saturday Night Live. She is the pill popping, feisy gal that flirts with all the guys. She's got a prescription for whatever ails you.

Hang in there.

Beverly said...

Hang on tight. Bear with me, I'm a nurse. Did you taper off the meds? I know it is easier that way because I've done it both ways.
but, my main question, why did you stop? maybe a lower dose would work. I hope you are not saying, shut up lady, I know all that.
Glad you feel better.....

Kate said...

I've struggled with it, too. I was once on meds that made me feel like I was underwater. It was awful. It made the manic periods seem not so scary. Until I went off the meds.

The Effexor thing should eventually go away. Both my dad and I had a rough time and it eventually went away. Unfortunately, I don't remember how long it took. And I still haven't found the perfect med(s).

Feeling is an important part of living, but then when you get going so fast how much are you really able to feel? To me it's the difference between getting tipsy and getting so wasted you don't know what happened when you wake up. I also realized that I was missing a lot of the little things in life.

So, hang in there. It sounds like you're better anyway.

Manic Mom said...

Thank you guys, for all your concern! I am doing fine! In fact, it's my 20th HS reunion weekend and we just had the first event! I'll be blogging about it on Sunday or MOnday!

Lynn said...

I know you said you were feeling better. But just in case the itching is still a problem, ask your dr for atarax. I had the same problem, different cause and it was TERRIBLE. When I finally went to my dr I got zyrtec during the day, and atarax for before bed because it's so sedating. It was fabulous! The itching went away,and I got to sleep. Oh, and going off the med that was causing it helped, too.
Also, I am bipolar. Before I was diagnosed, I didn't think anything was wrong until things got out of hand. Now I'm am pretty aware of when I'm going into an episode. If you feel it may be a concern, definately talk to your dr. It's better to go and find out your're okay, than not go and watch things crumble around you. If you want, shoot me a line and I'll give you the dirt.

Darla said...

I had a very similar convo with my sister the other day. DOn't remember the med she was on but she has always been on and off meds (not always but for years). She said the same thing that being on them makes her not feel but can tolerate anything life throws at her. Not taking them can make her pretty testy but at least FEEL again! She also has to deal with a husband that is VERY controlling and mentally abusive. He, for years, used to really give her heck for using "drugs"...he's actually a very paranoid type and could stand to use a few "drugs" himself. Now when she goes off her meds, he deals with the real her, which is really quite a fiesty type...she's a very mellow person but doesn't take crap when she's feeling things (in other words, off her meds). He then begs her to go back on her meds!!! So the added complexity of not only dealing with depression and anxiety (which I'm thoroughly convinced are husband-induced) but with a butt of a husband.... I hope things go better! Have fun at the reunion the rest of the weekend!