An Open Letter to My Neighbor & Pet

Dear Neighbor,

I am sure you are a very kind and thoughtful person. A person who enjoys the company of what I am guessing by the evidence, a very large breed of dog. Perhaps you have a golden retriever, or a mastiff bulldog. I am quite certain you are not the owner of a shih tzu or a teacup poodle.

I would like to thank you for stopping by my house today. I am sure your pet was enjoying himself, sniffing the surroundings, maybe digging his muzzle into my, well, I would say flowerbeds, but I do not have flowerbeds, so let’s just say maybe your dog was sniffing around the shrubbery.

I can understand the responsibilities of owning a pet, especially one as large as yours. You’ve got to feed it a couple of times a day, offer it some affection, take it for walks, and I’m sure that gets to be exhausting. Especially if maybe you’ve worked all day long, or had to help kids with homework, and then cart them to practices and lessons and such. Maybe you just wanted a quiet meal at home, with a nice glass of cabernet to cap off the evening.

And I understand those responsibilities, and it sure was nice of you to take some time to bond with your dog, to take him out to sniff around a bit, mark his territory, and do his business.

But I have a very hard time being sympathetic to your dog’s needs, and the fact that you’d be so inconsiderate to your neighbors to go out and forget to bring with you a FREAKING PLASTIC BAG.

A plastic bag in which you could possibly bend over and pick up the steaming pile of crap your dog has conveniently left in my yard.

I can understand that this could happen. You’ve just gotten home from work, you’re tired from the day’s events, you’re tired of yelling at the spouse, your kids. You just needed a minute to get out of the house to collect your thoughts. To decompress from the day. To breathe. And how kind of you to take the family dog with you.

I too, was decompressing from a day of parenting, a day of busy-ness, a day where I had to cart children here and there, do laundry that is still smelling like freshly sprayed vajigity (threw that one in for you, Andrea!). I too, had a busy day.

But despite the busyness of the day, I decided that my kids needed some mom fun time. So, I took them to choose some cute Halloween decorations, nothing spectacular, just a plastic skull, a tombstone, and yes, we went pumpkin picking as well! Straight into our local grocery store where I plucked two large, and two small pumpkins right from the crate. Because, as you may guess, I hate messy things, like muddy pumpkin patches, feces, you know, gross stuff.

Well, Mr. Thoughtful Neighbor (is it wrong for me to assume that you are a man? I’m sorry to say I’ve not even considered you're a woman. Call me sexist if you must.)…

Anyway, Dear Neighbor, while I was out trying to bring joy into my children’s lives by purchasing a few Halloween funfare items, you were out walking your dog.

Again, I understand, hey, maybe you forgot a plastic bag. That happens. I can appreciate this. What I cannot understand is why you most certainly walked directly into my yard, shuffling onto my driveway, willingly, fully aware that your dog had to crap, and that you did not have a plastic baggy, and that you were THISFREAKINGCLOSE to my FRONT WALK when your dog had to do his business.

And yes, your dog HAS TO BE MALE AS WELL.

Thank you, kind, kind, dear neighbor, for letting your dog take a humongous crap right where I thought it would be so cute for me to place our Halloween gravesite. It was so nice to come home, grab all the pumpkins from the trunk, collect the skull and gravestone and plant myself into the yard, while wearing MY FLIP FLOPS in order to create a beautiful Halloween ensemble that my children will enjoy throughout the holiday. Thank you. I reveled in the fact that I began screaming that I’d stepped in dog doo, and then loved running through the yard trying to remove dog feces from my toes. It really was a very pleasant way to end the busy day, and you’ve helped create wonderful holiday memories for my whole family.

I hope you'll stop by again and visit soon. I'd really like to meet the canine behind the crap.

Oh, and I've decided to try my hand at creating my own Halloween decorations now. This way, I won't be out shopping for items when you stop by! And I think I'll make you a gift while I'm at it! First up, another tombstone. Wanna know what it's going to say?

“Here Lies the Kind Thoughtful Neighbor Who Let His Dog Crap in My Yard.”