Here's a perfect example to back up the case that I am a Classic Slacker Mom.
TRUE Real conversation, and please don't leave comments about what a horrible mother I am for saying these things to my children ...
Day Four of Spring Break, the kids were yelling at each other like they typically did every day of the break. I was upstairs and we have an open section where I can conveniently lean over the railing to
Me: "YOU KNOW WHAT!?!?!?"
(They all looked up at me as I stood there red-faced in my towel ready to blow a gasket--mind you, it was the first shower I had taken all Spring Break.)
"STOP IT OR I'M GOING TO FREAK MY BALLS OFF!"
Silence for a couple of seconds, then Tukey looked up and asked:
"You have balls?"
Me: "I'M GOING TO GROW SOME AND THEN FREAK 'EM OFF!"
Now, I know I'm truly not a 100-percent slacker mom, maybe just a 78-percent slacker mom. And none of you are truly 100-percent slackers, but we have our good days and our bad days, right? To honor the slacker mom in all of us, and to celebrate the SUPER moms in all of us, I am awesomely proud to present an author whom I truly do consider a good cyber-friend of mine, and if I were still living on the East Coast, I am sure we would have met by now!
I have corresponded with Jen Singer from waaaaaaaay back when. Like from so long ago, I can't even remember the moment I first stalked her or what it was about, but you can bet I contacted her about something mom-related cuz she is the BOMB and she has her SHITOLA together and knows what is going on!
And she's just written her second book, “You’re a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either”). Jen's first book was the hilarious and aptly titled, "14 Hours Til Bedtime."
Check out the trailer to “You’re a Good Mom:
Do you sense what's coming?
Yes! ANOTHER DAMN GIVEAWAY FROM MANIC, courtesy of Jen and her publisher, Sourcebooks.
Leave a comment on one of your most "Slackerish" Mom Moments (you know, letting them eat waffles for dinner, skip brushing their teeth, or play the Wii till their eyeballs drop out of their heads), and the one that cracks us up the most will win a copy of Jen's new book because deep down, we all know You're a Good Mom!
But act fast, cuz I might try to be Super Mom this week and get laundry done or some meals on the table, or make it to soccer practices on time, or pay some bills, or get some questions answered on Just Another Manic Mommy at BC.com so I might have to shorten the time limit for this contest ... try to get your entries into the comment section by Wednesday!
Thanks Jen! We love you! The perfect blend of Slacker/Super Mom! Keep making us laugh!
43 comments:
I am in Ft. Myers, Florida, with one of my children (the one who lives with another family after flicking me off following his incredibly imbecilic jump from a moving vehicle...go see my "What Would a Utilitarian Do?" if you really feel the need for more details here). Another child is 900 miles away at college, though he wants to come home and we are doing are damnedest to make him stay where he is. A third is at a military boarding school 20 minutes from home. The other six are at home with my husband, their daddy, because I am in Ft. Myers, Florida.
Okay, Manic. Listen up. I NEVER win your contests. But here I have nine kids; three of them live elsewhere, and the other six have been abandoned while I frolic on the beach in another state. If I can't win the Slacker Mom contest, I give up for good.
OMG. "*OUR* damndest." See? I am not only a Slacker Mom, but I am a Slacker Grammarian, too.
This contest is sexist. I can't possibly leave a comment of my most "Slackerish" Mom Moment... unless maybe if I grow a vajayjay. Then in a moment of manmom rage I could freak that off.
Jeff, FINE. Leave a Slacker Dad comment.
PS-Jeff, cuz I'm sure you've got a million of 'em! : )
If I see Michael Johns, I'm going to tell him you want to freak HIS balls off!
Jules
House of Jules
Alright, as a new-ish Mom I haven't had a whole lot of time to accumulate slacker stories, but, as a pregnant Mom I am working on it.
I had a really bad "all-day sickness" day last week where my 20 month old and I stayed in pj's all day, watched hours of kid-friendly television, (a mostly no-no in our house) and ate cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Now my daughter asks for cereal for dinner every night.
:)
I always felt like a horrible mom when my toddler (the now-15-year-old) would complain about his ears and I would be like, "YOU'RE FINE."
Never failed...by the time I figured out he wasn't fine and took him to the doctor, I was told about what an AWFUL ear infection he had. Oops.
BTW, I'm giving away my book this week too! Visit my Remembering Ruby blog before 11:59 p.m. this Saturday and leave a comment/short anecdote about your late, great pet! Click here: Remembering Ruby
Jules, I would soooooo freak them off too! You know it! But nicely, gently, LOVINGLY!!! AGHHHHH!!!
Domestic--WELCOME TO MAMAHOOD!
Melisa--did you see MY entry for your contest!?!?!?!? LOL! Everyone, if you've ever had a pet, loved a pet, lost a pet, go enter Melisa's contest!!!! DO IT!
Here's my story, but I maintain IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
My youngest was at the age where I would leave him at home alone for BRIEF periods of time. One day, I said, I am taking your brother to a friend's house, I will be right back. Stay here and watch tv, etc.
When I returned, there is my son at a neighbors' house. I stop and say you are not supposed to leave the house until I get home and know where you are going, etc. And he says...
Well you were gone for so long and I didn't know where you had gone, so I thought maybe you and dad had died and I should go tell a neighbor.
The neighbors still don't speak to me.
These stories are great. I am not a mom, so I cannot enter, but theoretically I could win.
"I am such a slacker mom...that I never even had the damn kids! "
Just kidding. I will probably poop one out one of these years.
Wow, in 16 years of momming, there are so many...
We've been really slacking with the third one. I've also been guilty of the "YOU'RE FINE, GO TO SCHOOL!", later to find out from the school nurse that they are actually sick and I need to come get them. Ahem.
Ok, here's my entry:
When youngest child, now 5 1/2, first learned to work the lock on the front door, we were not real vigilant about flipping closed the higher-up latch we have. You know, like the ones on hotel doors? Anyway, so youngest was 2-3 years old. One day Shannon came home from the neighbor's house, she was probably 10 at the time. This neighbor, two doors down, has a girl the same age as Shannon. So Shannon says,
"Hannah said that Kylie was at her house this morning at 6:30!"
Me - "Buh, what?"
Apparently, before anyone else was awake, that little shit had gotten out of bed, gone downstairs, unlocked the front door, and walked over to the neighbor's house. She knocked on their door at 6:30am!! The other girl's mom told her to go back home. Now, if that would have been me, I would have WALKED her back home, but WHATEVER, neighbor. Anyway, Kylie then came back home, turned on the TV and watched cartoons like nothing was wrong, and no one else was even up yet. I didn't even find out about it until that afternoon! I had all kinds of images in my head, like the news story where a toddler was found wandering the neighborhood in nothing but pajamas? Yeah. Needless to say, from then on we made sure the friggin latch was closed.
As an autism mum I have tales to make your toes curl but I'm sitting this one out because I'm GRUMPY. Bear STILL has a stomach bug which means she is up all night being sick then has a sleep , wakes up hungry and has a MAJOR tantrum because I won't let her eat anything. Then she steals something and then we're up all night again. It's been a week. I am even too tired for expletives and if I spelled that wrong I mean swearing.
and BTW school starts again tomorrow and YES she's going - with a bowl if needed!
When my first child was about 3, I took him sledding on a big hill. After having him ride on my lap for about an hour he wanted to try the hill by himself. So, I took him about 1/2 way up the hill, centered him in the middle and let him go. As luck would have it, the sled took an immediate left and he rode right into a snow fence, hit the metal support pipe, flew forward and cut a big gash in his forehead.
That was 15 years ago and I STILL feel guilty about it. Of course my wife does a pretty good job of never letting me forget it.
Shelley--I think THAT NEIGHBOR should enter the slacker mom award for NOT bringing your child back to your house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm, I'm sure there have been many moments of slackerism on my part and my husbands part. One in particular I remember and still laugh at but feel guilty of:
When Nicole was just a few weeks old, I was soooo tired (you know the kind of tired I'm talking about -where u need toothpicks to hold your eyes open), she had severe colic and would wake up about every hour and a half to two hours to nurse, or just cry, crunching her little legs to her chest and such. My husband was working nights at the time and my mom and MIL were gone back to their own lives.
Anyway, Nicole woke up , I fed her , she got a fresh diaper after a bottom explosion and she was still crying. Nothing else physically wrong with her that I could tell. I put her in her swing, and I know as newborns they aren't supposed to be in them long, but I was desperate for sleep, because at that point we were having a contest to see who could scream and/or cry the loudest. I swaddled her tightly, put her in the swing and turned it on. Three hours later I woke up when she started crying again, I thought it had only been a few minutes.
Needless to say I was freaking out, but she was fine, just hungry again. But I felt so horrible that I had left her in the swing for that long.
Oh, I had one of those "I'm going to throw the kids out the window" days just last week. Y'all can imagine the details, but I'll sum it up by saying the baby ate a chalupa for dinner.
If you want to read about the rest of my bad day, you can read about it here.
Okay .... here's my Slacker Dad moment at it's finest.
My oldest was about 2 and he was riding in his car seat making all kinds of awful noises as I tried to concentrate on my driving skills....which are superb!
In order to quite him down and gingerly handed him a full pack of juicy fruit gum....which was halfway closed....to bang around while we finished our hour drive.
After receiving the gum pack.....he was quite as a mouse. Me, I'm thinking "Man I am one smart dad".
We get to our destination....our home....and I take him out of the car seat. I'm looking for the gum pack and I can't find it. I think he must have thrown it on the floor or over is head or something.
We go inside. Later in the evening..... my better half screams while changing the diaper. I run in the room and she say's "Why does our son have aluminum foil in his poop?"
He ate the whole thing. After that his nickname should have been the tinman.
Me....I was up poop creek. :)
I love that! Freak your balls off! OH, I have my moments. I mean, I guess I should be happy that my 12 year daughter wants to give me the play-by-play of every conversation she had during the day with every person, but sometimes, I either just want her to get to the chase or just shut the hell up! Instead, I just say, "Alaina, please stop talking to me right now. I don't care that Amy told Sherry that she likes Mike, but Mike likes Samantha who is a stuck up snob and only dates rich kids, and that Shyra said you are spoiled because your dad buys you everthing or that .... blah blah blah.
But, the kicker is, it was beautiful here yesterday! I was mowing at 9:30 AM, and I look over and Ariana is at the neighbors playing with their boy who is her age. Well, I noticed she still had her jammies on, so I stopped and said, "Ariana! Go home and put some clothes on!" She said, "But I don't want to! I like my tinker bell jammies." So I stood there, shrugged my shoulders, and kept mowing. I mean at that moment, I didn't really give a crap what she was playing in, and she was over there about 1/2 the day. I never checked on her, (his mom and the other neighbor mom were over there as well). I knew she would come home when she got hungry. She came home, made a sandwich (her favorite is grape jelly with cheese and mayo. How gross is that?) and went back over till I called her home for dinner! But guess what. She took a a bath at 6:30 and was out like a light at 7:30!
Can we vote yet, cuz I vote for Martini Slacker Dad. Tin foil in the poopy.
Heather
Is it telling that my 5 year old was watching a show about slugs and she asked me if I was one???
No reason.
Many years ago when my children were young, the neighbor kids from across the street popped in around dinner time. (Those days kids and neighbors "popped in" at any time). The 5 year old little girl looked at the meal my darlings were eating and said to me "Don't they ever get a hot meal for dinner?" I answered, "Yes, at night I heat up the milk for their cereal!"
Both my kids slept in their swing all night a number of times. I didn't think that was a slacker thing, more a "I will freak my balls off if I don't get some sleep" thing.
Here's mine: I went so long without giving my infant son a bath that when my sister came over and picked him up, she said he smelled "like a sneeze". And he did.
Hellooooo?
I think the anon cereal poster is my mom, but it was really chef-boyardee and it was a hot meal if she heated up what was in the can, right mom? This was you posting, right?
Ewww, and I remember the kids getting so stinky from no baths as babies, they would have that mungy shit underneath their chin and neck into the folds of their skin that stank like Frumunda Cheese. You know, From under there cheese.
We had the kids sleep in their car seat some nights, but at least we would put the car seat into their crib!
My most slacker-mom moment is every day! I'm always a slacker-mom. Blogs, internet, the non-profit I help manage. If I cook a meal, my kids are shocked. We never vacuum, sweep, dust.
Anyway, I know I won't win, but I am a slacker mom of 5 kids.
Oh and when my about 5 year old daughter once asked me "when is the nice mom coming back?"
Martini gets my vote - that is such a dad thing to do!!
Here is my blog post that shows me as a slacker mom. The part that qualifies me is the part about feeding my child from the garbage (banana)
If you have read my blog, you know Bridger and Kimber don't sleep all night. Pretty much ever. Of course we had them both sleeping for a few days straight when they got the flu. And you know being sick throws all good works out the window. Well we are back at being tough at night. This is how last night went. The ph rang at 1 am............its always nice to be woken up for no reason. Kimber woke up at 3am. Because she KNOWS just what it will take to get me out of bed, she yells "I poopy" Typically I will let her cry for 15 to 20 minutes (and prior to the flu, she would be back to sleep in usually 10 minutes) now she yells "I poopy" Our lovely children poop three times a day each and time they have had there diaper on for a few minutes when they were poopy it has burned there bums bad. So yelling poopy will get me running to change her. So I go in change her, give her a hug and put her back to bed, before I have hardly put her down, turn around and well before I have gotten the 3 feet to the door, she is yelling "I poopy" (she knows how to work the system and she will only be two next Sunday) I tell her she is not poopy and leave. I listen to her SCREAM for another 15 to 20 minutes of her yelling "I poopy" after about 20 minutes I cant take it wondering if she is poopy. I start the entire process over and go in and change her. I changed her 4 times last night, only once was she poopy. (yes my children scream enough to poop in the middle of the night) and then it works there system of yelling I poopy and make me feel bad. Its all part of her plot. She screamed no stop from 3 am until 4:55am. Bridger woke up at 5:05am, he was hungry. He ate a great lunch and dinner last night, so who knows why he was hungry. He ate almost three pieces of bread and wanted a banana. (that I just tossed in the garbage yesterday because they were turning brown and no one was eating them anyway) so yes I dumpster dove (as Kevin pointed out at 5:30am for my son) it was still in its original natural wrapper and I could easily see it without moving anything in the kitchen garbage. So yes I fed my child food from the garbage can at 5:30am. He finally settled down on the couch (this is where my children prefer to sleep and WOULD sleep ALL night if I let them sleep on the couch. At 5:55am, Kimber woke up. I had had enough and gave in and moved her to the couch. As we were walking out to the living room, she said in her sweet loving kind concerned voice........"mommy wheres Bridger"
Me: Bridger sleeping
Bridger: No I am not, I am right here Kimber
Kimber: Hi Bridger
Bridger: Hi Kimber
Kimber: You sleeping on the couch
Bridger: Yes
I put her down on her couch and then they go on talking. I go back to bed and tell Kevin to go have a "firm" talk with them about sleeping. Thing one and thing two finally went back to sleep and Bridger slept until 8:30, Kimber slept until 10.
Another give away? Will you never stop? : )
Your kids will have soooo many stories about you- it's going to be great.
Um, did you ever let your child sleep through the night in the car seat (which you placed in the crib so it's as IF she's really in bed) because you were afraid she'd wake up if you moved OUT of the seat and into the crib?
Kim! THat's exactly why they slept in the car seat!!!! So we wouldn't wake them up!
SLACKER MOM 101:
Read Manic's blog while:
1st 18 month old baby chews pieces of foam off new bouncy board and runs around the room in only a diaper screaming something resembling 'jump jump'.
2nd 18 month old baby is screaming at my feet and clinging onto my foot for dear life, in walks husband, collects said child mumbling under his breath something about 'neglect and wishing I'd get off the damn computer'.
Oldest child whining that he wants me to go immediately ... do not stop, do not pass go, do not collect $100 ... to his bedroom to view whatever he has attempted to do to his walls (give me strength).
All the while husband whining that he needs to use the computer to update his ipod for his workout tomorrow so he can go to bed and when the heck will I get off the damn computer.
Mother/wife: Throws arms up in the air and screams for everyone to leave her alone for 5 seconds while she posts on Manic's blog mumbling constantly that she doesn't get 2 seconds to herself, can't pee in peace, when will she ever get to have alone time, when is everyone moving out.
Do I qualify for a slacker mum, possibly mum and wife of the year, or are CPS on their way????????
Umm, I trained both my son when he was in diapers and my daughter now (please let her get out of diapers soon!) that it's much more fun when other people change her diaper. If there is ANYone else in the house, Little Miss will scream bloody murder if I "try" to take her upstairs. "NO! Gramma change my diaper, not Mommy!" "Mrs. Brashler change my diaper. Pleeeeeasse?"
Mrs. Brashler by the way is a neighbor who is a member of my babysitting co-op but not a good friend and happened to be picking up her two daughters from a sit. She graciously agreed to change my daughter's diaper after paying me (hours) to watch her two kids.
The list goes on. She even tries to get Mister Man to change her diaper instead of Mommy. Fortunately or unfortunately, the four year old has no interest in changing his sister's diaper.
She does, however, take off her own pants and diaper and get the new diaper for you. I won't let her climb onto the changing table (although I found out the hard way that she's capable of it -- maybe I won't win the slacker contest because I'm not slacker enough to let her also climb onto the changing table herself but insist on lifting her up...). Oh, and she also gets down by herself and insists on putting the dirty diaper in to the Genie.
Between daycare three days a week and someone else being in the house, I probably only change her diaper 12-15 times a week. And I think subconsciously she saves up her poop for when she's at Grandma and Grandpa's or Daddy's home. But that may be wishful thinking on my part!
LOL ok, after viewing some of these stories, I guess i feel bad that my newborn stuck in a swing for 3 hrs storuy isn't slackerish enough, lol. Love Martini dads story.
NOt looking to win, great if i do , but oh well, i'm just having fun:))
One of the things that I have taught my kids is how to use febreeze when mom "forgets" to do their laundry. I can't even honestly say that I have taught them. They have seen me do it so many times they think its normal!!
Sorry, some nights americas next top model is just too good. Laundry can wait.
Okay, here's my slacker story...
When my sons were little - one was just 4 and the other was almost a year - I went into another part of the house. I had left my oldest watching TV and the other next to him, screaming 'cause he wanted to be held ALL THE TIME and I SO was not going to do it that day. I must have blocked all sounds out but I was only gone 5 minutes, I swear it. When I came back into the living room, much to my horror, 2 of my neighbors were standing beside the kids. Yikes!
"WE heard your little one screaming his lungs out, and knocked on the door. When no one answered, we came in to check him," they told me.
I swear I was gone only 5 minutes!
I felt like a deer in the headlights - panicked. I turned to my sweet little 4 year old, and much to my everlasting embarrassment, I heard myself say... "Didn't I tell you to come and get me if there were any problems or if your brother REALLY starts screaming?"
That was 8 years ago, and I'm still mad at myself for saying that... but I lock the front door now too.
Slacker Mom!! That's me. My 10 (at the time) year old son was grounded. IN TROUBLE! He wanted off of grounding so badly and every day, the begging. I told him that if he asked again I was adding another week. He asked, "Is there something I can do to get off of grounding earlier, like a chore or something?" At this moment I am giving my dogs their nightly treats and so I handed him one. I said, "sure, if you eat this." Before, I could even bother to snatch the biscuit out of his hand he already had it in his mouth and chewed it up. Gross, yes I know, but he was really motivated. Needless to say, he was off of grounding and we still call him "Milkbone"
I lack the humerous way of telling my slackerism, but here it is anyway.
After raising five there are so many slacker moments it is hard to choose; Jim tells me I should tell about losing our second child. . . that is Bobby, 3 years old, from our 3rd floor apartment in Ankara, Turkey, in 1971.
I called Bobby (several times). No reply. With the closeness of the apartment and the ease it was to know pretty much what was going on at all times from one end to the other, why didn't I know where my toddler was?
Thus began a frantic, but systematic search of the apartment:
The PLAY ROOM which had a balcony off from it. EEK! Surely . . . nope, all still locked and secure. Empty.
Our BEDROOM - next up the hallway, even looked under the bed. Empty.
Right across the hall was the bathroom . . . small and easy to see - Empty.
A few steps down the hallway was the KIDDO'S BEDROOM - literally. The boys' beds, Debbie's crib, and Bobby's rocking horse. Ahhh . . . a good, if not great probability. Nooo. Empty.
My heart was sinking; fear and a bit of panic beginning to set in. How could I lose my child in our own apartment? Thoughts of him getting out the door somehow, and being loose in a strange country - all kinds of ideas were racing through my mind, none of them good.
I went on to check the living/dining room. Off from it was a nice sized balcony. The railing was high enough for the kids to play out there, but Bobby was big enough to climb it. Possible??? I dared to look over it. As I suspected it would be . . . All Clear.
How does a mom lose a child three floors up? There's no place for one to go except . . . out the door? Did he? But he couldn't open the door, not a Turkish key and handle.
It was time to look outside now. Friends from a street over, Turkish neighbors - they all joined us, but with few ideas. How? How could I have let this happen?
Jimbo, the oldest, was staying inside the apartment to watch his baby sister Debbie. But he was out on the balcony calling to us, and being told to go back inside. Finally, he shouted down to us, "Bobby's in here!"
No longer using the potty chair, I had put the chair behind the door to their bedroom until starting to train Debbie. For some unknown reason he had chosen to use it for a chair, and had fallen asleep. Sleeping so soundly he never heard us going through the apartment calling him, not even when in the same room! He woke up crying because his legs had gone to sleep and were tingling, hurting.
I felt so negligent and a Slacker mom as we adults stood around and this MOM had no idea where her toddler was. Good moms DO NOT lose their children! They DO like to win contests!
Story format: Little Boy Lost
Ragdoll Billie
...and Life Goes On ...
I don't know---I think that GROWING BALLS just so you can freak 'em off sounds like the OPPOSITE of a slacker mom.
Freak your balls off? OMG Manic you are freakin' killing me!! I laughed so hard I think I grew balls then laughed them off again!! I was so ready to vote for Martini but Mandi Andrews is a close second for me!! Good luck trying to pick just one....
Shelley
SPepper22
Does sitting my 2-year old son beside me to watch TV and cuddling with me, while also watching a TV show on my laptop with my headphones plugged in. But man, I'm such a multi-tasker...I can't possibly only do one thing at a time...
Slacker Mom, me, never! Well maybe that Sunday afternoon when my husband and I were both really tired and for some reason our daughter wasn't. So we laid down on the floor making a box (you know with your head near his feet and his feet near your head) and let her crawl/roll around with her toys in the middle. That can't be slacker parenting, we made suer she could not get away from us with our human playpen.
If that's not it then maybe the repeating snack bowl will earn some slacker points. You see she doesn't eat, so I offer her a bowl of goldfish for snack on Monday, she doesn't eat but a one year old sized hand full. So I leave the bowl on the table for easy access the rest of the day. Nope she didn't take it. Well come Tuesday snack time, the bowl is still there, yeah your snack is on the table have as much as your want (which is none) Repeat same senario on Wednesday, Thursday we go for some Tater Tots at Sonic because well those are better than silly fish anyway, she actually eats some of those. On Friday, well the bowl is still sitting there!
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