LiFe BeGiNS

Real quick notes (OK, not real quick) on Ajers sex talk for the fifth grade cuz I promised. And yeah, we sat in the back, the last row, and yeah, I actually brought a pad of paper and took notes. It was one of those times I really wish I could have live-blogged it.

On the way there, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to discuss before we got there, and he said he pretty much thought he knew everything. I kind of threw it out there that "you know, when a man and a woman have sex, it kind of has to get hard first."

"You mean like a boner."

Yeah.

Then he told me he knew when Dad and I had sex because he figured it out from when Tukey was born. His birthday is in September so he counted backward nine months. OK, and I am so slow right now in my mind, I can't even figure that out here. Hold on... OK, December. So yeah. Ha, that's funny. So I'm guessing now that Ajers thinks the LAST TIME Mr. Manic and I had sex was DECEMBER! And I JUST THIS SECOND realized this. I should have asked him that in the car. I'm so dumb.

Then he thought about his little cousin Gavvy Gavvy (not his real name, of course), whose birthday is November, and he just turned one. He thought back nine months and said, "Hmmmm, that was in February."

"Yep." I said. And I waited for it. And it didn't take long.

"Hey, we were in Cabo with them in February."

"Yep."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THEY DID IT WHEN WE WERE IN CABO!"

So then I had to call my brother and tell him how funny it is that my son figured out that he and his wife were trying to procreate while we were all on vacation, and when my brother answered his phone, and keep in mind, he is the father of a one-year-old and a three-year-old who was used to partying and drinking Red Bull and vodkas and living it up and now he's like a dad and all, so he answers the phone like this:

"Hell on earth."

Hahahahha. I love it that I can finally laugh at my poor brother's life for he laughed at me for so long for having three babies like I was a crazy fool.

Back to Life Begins ...

Ajers and I are in the car joking about how we'll nudge each other every time they say words like, you know, peni$ and that thing they call a woman's part, and then he said, "heh, what if they say 'insert,'" and that made me laugh.

We get there and we take seats in the last row. I'm expecting a cheesy movie with a talking sperm searching for the egg and a bunch of cartoon sperm bumping into each other flying through the fallopian tubes. But instead there's a woman there with a power point program.

Hmmm. Was not expecting that.

Then she asks how everyone is.

Ajers yells out, "I'M PUMPED!"

He is like obnoxious the first five minutes of this program and I want to smack him in the head. Maybe it was reverse psychology or something, like he was purposely trying to act cool because HE was really embarrassed about it, I don't know, but he kind of acted like he was showing off, yelling out loud and being obnoxious. (I don't know where on earth he gets it--probably his father).

He MAKES ME BLUSH! MY KID IS EMBARRASSING ME.

Next she asks about the 10 body systems and kids start shouting them out, and I'm like, hmmm, did not know that! Like circulatory, respiratory, musculatory, urinary, digestive. I mean, if I were given a quiz, I would fail miserably.

She started zooming through to the female parts and here's something I DID NOT KNOW--

The uterus is the strongest muscle in the human body.

Isn't there some urban legend that says the tongue is? Who knew?

Here's something else I did not know --

The largest cell in the human body: the egg cell. Which is the size of a grain of sand.

Smallest cell - the sperm cell, which is 85,000 times smaller than the egg.

WOW.

So then they talk about puberty really quick, I mean she ZIPPED through this stuff, and when she got to the whole pubic hair part, what she said kinda made sense -- it's there to protect the reproductive parts. To keep out germs and stuff. I guess I always knew that, but still. A nice refresher course.

Skip ahead to when she moves to the power-point slide of--

NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS or WET DREAM and Ajers looks at me and goes, "Oh, this."

I nodded at him. "Did I tell you about this already?"

He said yeah.

So she mentions how at puberty semen is made and it gets crowded like if you were to go into a room and it fills up you need to leave the room, which really makes a lot of sense. She explained that at night when the boys are in a deep sleep it will come out and it will not be too much and it will be white and sticky and if it's yellow and smelly it's something else.

This made all the kids laugh. One kid asked what if it happens at a sleepover. Which was a good question. She asked, "What's one thing you DON'T do at a sleepover?" Everyone said, "SLEEP!" So no one is too worried about it happening during a sleepover now.

Ajers raised his hand and I was like, OMG what is he going to ask?

She called on him.

"Does it hurt?"

Oh, my cute baby wants to know if it'll hurt!

She said that when it happens you're in such a deep sleep you won't even feel it. But don't they WANT to feel it?!?!? Don't they feel good? Those are my questions, not my fifth graders, but I didn't ASK them!

THEN, she got to what I was waiting for her to get to, and this is how it went:

"When a man and a woman are ready for a baby, an act of love called sexual intercourse takes place." And yes, I actually wrote that one down so I could get it word for word!

That was it!!!! NOTHING ELSE! That was like the climax without the CLIMAX! Then she spent the next hour showing everyone pictures of a sperm reaching the egg, a one-month old fetus, all the way through to a birth.

B O R I N G ! ! !

Not once did she use the phrase, "The man puts his peni$ into her v@gina."

So after all that, there was a Q&A session, and some kids asked cute things like, "How come we don't remember being in our mom's stomachs?" and "What if the baby doesn't want to come out?"

Then FINALLY some brilliant little boy, who if I knew who he was, I would go up to him and give him a great big hug, asked this pearl of a question:

"How does the man's sperm get to the woman's egg?"

Know what she said?

"Through sexual intercourse."

UGHHGHGHGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!