FouR MoNTHS aGo ToDay

Today was a happy day.

And it also marked four months of living here in Arizona. I don’t know if that has any correlation but nonetheless, it was a good day for all of us, and for that, I’m thankful.

One-third of a year. We’ve made it that far. And for that, I’m thankful.

It’s still hot. Not hotter than hell, but still 102 degrees outside. But I will tell you that 102 degrees is A LOT cooler than 112 degrees.

I’m thinking back to when we first found out we were moving to Arizona and how I felt. The things I worried about, the things I wrote about, the things I feared, and I want to go back to that list.

Soooo, here is the whole post I wrote on Wednesday, February 24, 2010, and here is my commentary (in pink), now that I’ve been here four months:

ARIZONA

It’s fucking hot there. I know I was born in Florida but I don’t want to live in a place where people describe it as living in a 400 degree oven. I don’t care if it’s a dry heat.

OK, this we can agree on. It is fucking hot here.

Brown desert. I like green. I like white. I like seasons and spring.

It’s still brown. But we have a house with green grass, and beautiful yellow, pink and red rose bushes, and mini-palm trees in the backyard, and some green plants with gorgeous pink sprouty things, and purple-y flowers in the front yard and some other red and orange things that I don’t have to water so that means I won’t have to kill them.

I will have to get a light beige or a white car. I hate white cars. My hands and ass will burn upon getting into a car every single time.

I didn’t get a new car yet, and I’d GLADLY take a beige or white car over the GREEN TURD I’ve been driving since before Tukey was born. And yes, I am still burning my ass every time I get into the car when I don’t remember to put up the tin-foil screen!

I am not attractive or thin enough to live in Arizona.

Yes, there are plenty of plastic people who live here, but I am plenty attractive and thin enough to live here. There are far more fat and ugly people around. I just have to go where they are to feel good about myself!

I do like air condition.

They have air condition EVERYWHERE here! And those cool misters you can walk under outside when it gets super-de-duper hot!

I never want the responsibilities of owning a swimming pool, but living there it would be a requirement.

I have no responsibilities of having a pool! We have a POOL BOY! His name is Nick, and he’s not bad looking at all!

I could become a recluse and write another book.

I have NOT become a recluse, and although I would like to complete my second book, I haven’t yet, but AM now doing a job I LOVE, that wouldn’t have happened had I not moved to AZ. (Thanks Crystal!)

I love the fact that here I can go to Starbucks and run into 4 or 5 people that I know in a matter of 5 minutes.

I ran into someone I knew at Michael’s the other day, and the people here at Starbucks are getting to know me! It all just takes TIME!

It’s exhausting making new friends.

It is still exhausting to make new friends, but I had lunch with a new neighbor Monday, and next week I’m going to see The Social Network with two new girlfriends. Also got a text from a new neighbor today that said, “I love having you as a neighbor and friend.” THAT meant the world to me at this stage in my life! So, while exhausting, it’s worth it to invest time to find worthwhile friendships!

This is a whole KID category:

I worry about my kids starting a new school.

They’ve started, and while it was a rough go, they all seem to be doing fine.

I worry about them getting on a bus for the first time.

Only Ajers takes the bus, and he can handle it. And he tells some pretty funny bus stories about Anna the bus driver saying, "Don't sue me, I need this job" when a kid falls down on the bus.

I worry about them having to sit by themselves the first day of school.

No one died sitting by themselves the first day of school. In fact, I don't think anyone sat by themselves the first day of school, hence no death.

I worry about them getting lost the first day of school.

No one got lost the first day of school.

I worry about them not liking it there.

Yes, at times each one of them has had reservations about not liking it here, me included, and there have been bouts of tears from all of us. But we are dealing with this journey like champs and making the best of what is in store for us and being thankful that we are able to be together as a family, and that we are stronger for this experience!


Here are more of my crazy things:

I can never leave a lipstick in my car.

So what? I hardly wear lipstick anyway!

I hate tumbleweeds and cacti and stone yards.

I love cacti – they are beautiful! I have yet to see a tumbleweed! And we don't have a stone front yard-we have grass in our front yard!

PS, this is not our front yard!

I have NO family there.

We have had TONS of visitors already and welcome ANY and ALL friends and family!

I hate the idea of having to find new doctors, hair stylists, gyms, etc.

I’ve got a hair stylist; I’ve got a gym (got to get there more often), we have a doc for the kids, an orthodontist, we are finding our way!

I hate figuring out new grocery stores.

I STILL hate the grocery store. Even if I knew where EVERY SINGLE ITEM was located in the store, I STILL HATE GROCERY STORES! THAT’LL never change! But there are nice ones here. They just put a Cold Stone Creamery in the grocery store here. BUT … I will NEVER start the habit of buying my kids Cold Stone ice cream when we go to the grocery store. NO WAY!

What if our house doesn’t sell.

Our house DID sell. In three weeks. Thank you, thank you, thank you T & S!!

OK, wait, I guess I should put some good things in here too, right? … OK, here are some …

No more stupid boots.

Flip flops all the way.

Get to go house-hunting!

We love our house. It’s the perfect home for us, and great for entertaining!

No more stupid jackets (although I did just score that nice mink coat I won’t get to wear anymore, DRAT!).

I laughed so hard when I was in the store the other day and saw heavy jackets for sale and it was 110 degrees outside. Everyone says next year I will be wearing a jacket. I continue to laugh. NOT ME!

SHORTS! (I do like my legs, got that going for me)

I now wear SKIRTS!

The winters are better there than here.

We’re getting there.

Won’t ever really be able to enjoy a hot latte, cuz come on, how can you drink HOT coffee in Arizona? THAT just sounds STUPID!

I had a hot café vanilla latte JUST the other day!

Positive: Thank God the internet is UNIVERSAL!

LOVE that I can still connect with everyone out there! THIS MEANS YOU!

What if Mr. Manic has to travel all of the time and I am stuck there all alone and do not know anyone and we’re all lonely and it sucks and I’m in a place where I don’t know anyone?

Yeah, he travels still, but not crazy. And we’ve got neighbors and some of his co-workers we have become close to. I’m not in the middle of the Sahara yanno!

How am I going to meet people if people never go outside since it’s so G-damn hot all day long? Who’s going to be outside in order to meet me and find out I have such a fucking glowing personality in the first place?!? HUH?

The glowing personality still prevails.

There’s not even a fucking beach nearby? What’s the point of a place with beautiful fucking sunshine weather if there’s not even a beautiful fucking beach for me to lay my sad ass upon and mope? That’s ri-fucking-diculous isn’t it?

Yeah. The beach. Coronado, California. We were there two months after living here. BEE-U-TEE-FUL! And only a 4-5 hour car ride.

What if when it’s time for college and my kids want to come back to ILLINOIS and then I’M FREAKING STUCK IN ARIZONA and all my kids come back to the Midwest and I’m like all stuck out there twiddling my freaking thumbs thinking to myself, “WELL, isn’t this freaking grandiose?”

Diva just said today, “When I go to ASU …” So, there’s that!

…..

So, am thanking God today, on the anniversary of our fourth month in Arizona that things are coming together and working out. Tukey is finding his way, busy with a basketball program, a tackle football team, and piano lessons. And today after school, I actually heard him say to a kid, “See you tomorrow Brice!”

Diva is busy with a new art class that she is really excited about; and has TWO sleepovers this weekend, and a fun concert to look forward to.

Ajers is on TWO basketball teams – one for school, one for whatever kind kids play on that is not for school. He’s got a girlfriend (yep, we think so anyway!) and there’s some school dance coming up. He’s busy with new friends and guitar lessons.

We’ve got lots going on, lots to be thankful for, and while we miss what we don’t have any more back home, we’re looking toward the future and are so blessed that things didn’t turn in a different direction.

I look back at my original list from seven months ago in February when I first found out we were moving and can really breathe a sigh of relief. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re not as horrible as I first thought they were going to be.

It’s the fear of the unknown that is most scary, and now we know.

Now we know.

And thank you for coming along on this journey with me!

PeaCe uP!

~MaNiC MoMMy  .... PS. I've made it even easier to comment, so please leave one if you so desire! Thanks!

iT'S TiMe FoR ... Me TiMe!

I thought when I moved here I would have all the time in the world to spend doing things for myself. Well, it’s been almost four months and here I am.

Doing what?

Hmmmmmmm.

The kids are pretty well established in school. Well, Tukey has a little bit more socializing to do. I say that like he’s an exotic monkey we’ve brought over from Asia (are there monkeys in Asia?) and we’ve got to socialize him into the school system, but other than that, the kids are settling in.

So, where in the heck is all the ME time I was planning on?

Where is the second novel that’s half-way done on paper, all the way done in my head, but nowhere near done and out into the world? Why isn’t it out there yet? It’s simmering, brewing, settling. Somewhere in there.

And where is that slim and trim body that’s in there? It’s simmering, brewing, settling. It’s somewhere in there too! Hahah. I keep saying, “As soon as the weather changes.” Drat this weather. There’s always an excuse!

But, I have been finding some time to do some things for myself. Little things like these no-guilt pleasures I read about on the Motherboard. It’s a funny thing about me-time … sometimes it seems like a luxury when it’s a necessity, and sometimes it’s painful when it’s good for you!

Take yoga, for example. I think I told you about the first time I went back. I bawled my head off for a full eight hours afterward. It was as if I “namastayed” my way through an ocean full of emotions and then unearthed a cork and let all of it out. EVERYTHING came out. I thought for sure that would be the last of the breakdowns. But then I had another one about a week and a half ago. When Tukey wasn’t feeling well and I took him to school late, and when we got there, he said to me, “I just want to go back to the house and have a good cry. I just want to get in your bed and cry.” So that’s what we did. We got in the bed and cried. That is what I hope was the last of the breakdowns.

BUT. That’s NOT what this post is about! This post is about ME finding time to FIND ME! So, the yoga stuff. The first time was a realization. An opening. Of floodgates. I got it all out. Let it all go. And then I have gone two more times. And I’m feeling stronger, more open, more free. More confident and alive. More of this, “I can do this" feeling. More … well. I need yoga in my life. That’s for sure.

One other thing that I swore I would do when I got here was take care of my feet. Growing up in Florida, I would run around like a tomboy without shoes on, tearing up the streets, hot asphalt tearing up MY feet. Who knew at age six, seven, eight that I would care what my feet looked like, felt like at this age? Who knew at age six, seven, eight that I would end up living in a place where flip flops were the shoe of choice, where toenails were as vibrant and sparkly as … well, who knew? So, I thought I might get weekly pedicures. DON’T JUDGE. I don’t get daily Starbucks. I don’t shop till I drop. I don’t wear designer ANYTHING. But I say “Don’t Judge” because I DON’T. I don’t get weekly pedicures. I wish I did! THAT would be LUXURIOUS! Getting pedicures are grandiose! And I got one the other day. With salt scrub, callous remover, hot rocks. And Funky Dunky purple toes!

And yep, of course Diva noticed, and she got mad. She’s spoiled, and she said, “You got a pedicure WITHOUT me. You know I needed one!” Monster hath been created.

Another little guilty pleasure that I will do any chance I get is see movies. And I’ll go by myself if I have to. Yes, call me Miss Independent! Fortunately, this past weekend, I didn’t have to go by myself, and went to see The Town and Going the Distance! Both great movies, and I never, ever thought I’d want to go see The Town, although Ben Affleck is on my list of FIVE, but that movie trailer looked SCARY! I am also dying to see Catfish --have you heard about this freaky documentary? Am so intrigued about it!
And Diva and I are going to catch Betty White in You Again. And the new one with Katherine Heigl and hottie Josh “Why’d-You-Marry-Fergie” Duhamel (Note to self: He’s now on my list of five too!). So many great movies out there these days. And here’s another thing, I don’t know about you, but I’m the type of person who would sit through a two-hour showing of PREVIEWS ONLY even. I HATE missing the previews! It's like being late to a wedding and missing the bride walk down the aisle!

I forgot one of my very most favorite little pleasures in the whole wide world – NAPPING! I am the champion of napping. And for me, a stellar nap is not a 10-minute-rest-your-eyes dealio. Nope. For me, it’s dig out a hole in your bed, pile on the covers and the pillows and burrow in for at least two hours, and when you wake up you don’t know if it’s Monday morning or Sunday afternoon! Now THAT to me is the epitome of a great nap and the best guilty pleasure me time well spent!

So these are just a few of my little ME TIME pleasures. We’ve all got ‘em right? What are yours?

PaReNTiNG 101: NoT aNy eaSieR!

Believe it or not, I get asked a lot of parenting advice here on MaNiC MoMMy and sometimes I’m stumped. Like this one. Let me tell you this story. It’s about two boys.

Boy #1 is a pretty good student and was recently chosen as Student of the Week. He received a letter of recognition that said “He has demonstrated a delightful personality but also has the leadership skills to help … his constant desire to be a positive influence in class is commendable. He has impeccable manners. He is a fine example of an excelling leader…” Boy #1 received an awards certificate signed by the principal and vice principal and was awarded gift certificates to local restaurants. He received this packet in front of the whole school and shook the hands of his vice principal and principal.

Boy #2 screwed around in PE class with another kid and depantsed him. The PE teacher saw this take place and sent Boy #2 to the vice principal. The vice principal gave him a one-day in school suspension and called his mom. While the vice principal explained to the mother that the child was very remorseful of his actions, and the kids were obviously playing around, the VP also said she will not tolerate that kind of behavior in her school. The mother explained to me how heartbroken she was, and how shocked she was, that her son would do such a thing, to bully another student, to humiliate another kid in such a way.

If I could choose one of these children to be mine, you can guess which one I would pick, right?

Do you see where I’m going with this? You got it.

Same boy. Mine. And both events occurred on the same day.

The boy is mine. The heartbroken mother: me.

The remorseful son, the excelling leader, the depantser: Ajers.

I can’t even begin to tell you what went through my mind when I answered that call from the school, and how it felt to be on the receiving end. And to call Mr. Manic to tell him, and then to come home, and prepare Tukey and Diva for what was going to go down when Ajers got home from school.

Tukey, oh boy, was Tukey upset. I explained to them that we are not raising our children to behave this way and their brother is going to be in the hugest trouble he’s ever going to be in in his whole life. Diva said she was shaking; Tukey just put his head down on the table, then went upstairs.

For Ajer’s privacy, I won’t go into details, but I will tell you, I’ve never seen such a remorseful kid. He absolutely knows what he did was wrong, stupid, DUMB. I gave him the “free lesson” speech (thanks Dad!), and let him know that if this is what it takes to make sure that he now knows that EVERY SINGLE ACTION will cause a REACTION and he considers everything he does before he does something, and that he CHOOSES THE RIGHT OPTION, then it will be a lesson well learned.

And boy, will he learn this lesson, because the kid has never been grounded before, and here’s what he’s in for: Facebook gone. Phone gone. Guitar gone. iTouch gone. Xbox gone. Friends gone.

Hmmmm, I might as well even take away his bathroom privileges too, huh?

Because let me tell you, the Shit hath hit the fan in the MaNiC house!

And speaking of shit, it’s strange as shit, because I’ve never been so mad or disappointed or heartbroken over something he’s done, but I’ve also never wanted to grab him and hold him so close and tell him that everything’s going to be OK either. And boy, that is soooo screwed up. That MUST be what parenting’s all about.

PeaCe uP!

~MaNiC MoMMy

THe eX FiNDs MR. MaNiC oN FaCeBooK

To FRieND oR NoT To FRieND?

Only a matter of time that this would happen. And I found her years ago. Mr. Manic has only been on Facebook about six weeks, and we knew of course that it would only be a matter of time when Barbie (not her real name but one I invented for her when I was 20 -- sorry "Barbie," but believe me, that was a compliment to you, and if you're a smart enough gal, you're reading this right now because *I'm* a smart enough girl and I know LOADS and LOADS of stuff about my ex's wife ... like the fact that she once had a bird tattoo that she got removed and then she tried to sue the tattoo remover for not doing it right, and I know who her brother is, and I know when her family comes into town to celebrate Christmas, and I know that her daughter takes dance lessons, and that the ex and I would have never worked out because they like to camp outdoors --- EWWWW --- and that he drives a motorcycle --- EWWWW again ... but, this is not a post about ME stalking MY ex, this is a post about Mr. Manic's ex finding him.

See, really, I am not crazy, I'm just pointing out the obvious. And the obvious is that in this day and age of technology, I think that EVERYONE looks up the old ones on the internet to see whatever became of them. And it's not because they want them back. It's just because they want to know how they are doing. Or to let them know they are so much better without them, and their lives turned out a million times more awesome since the time she and the other girl walked in on him and confronted him at the same time for his cheating ways ... Oh, but never mind. Mr. Manic was young and didn't know what he wanted. And well, that was obviously because he hadn't met ME yet, so of course he didn't know what he wanted yet because I wasn't yet in the picture.

SO. Anyway. Yesterday. Mr. Manic shows me his Blackberry and says, "OK, how do I handle this one?" And it was Barbie, requesting his Friendship on FB.

I laughed. Took her long enough. But if it were me requesting an ex on FB, which I have done, and have exes on FB, I would have sent a note along with it, something along the lines of, "Hey, FB suggested we be friends, hahah, so how are you?" And then leave it at that.

She didn't say anything.

So Mr. Manic asked me my advice. How about that? Isn't that so cute that he wanted to know what he should do? I love him for that! First we went through all her photos. The ones we could see, and we surmised a few things. They were all headshots she took of herself. There were a couple of some cute kids.

The advice I gave him was the "three-day" dating rule. Haha. I am such a guy on this one. Make her stew a little bit. You know, don't call a girl after the first date. Make her wonder if he's gonna accept her friendship. Because if he jumps right into it, then BAM! She thinks he's unhappy in his marriage. And he's not. Even though I have been sad with the recent move to AZ, he's definitely NOT unhappy with ME. So if he were to ACCEPT FRIENDSHIP right away, red flags. Of course she deserves to know how he's been. I think they dated like 3-4 years. I know they were serious. They were high school sweethearts. I totally respect that, and I think if she's got some things she wants to know about his life, she deserves to have them answered. Or if she wants to know what he's been up to, he can tell her. I've got absolutely no hang ups about that. But not the second she friends him.

So then today, I decide, "Hmmm, when he friends her, I've got to make sure all the pictures on his FB page are looking good." And yeah. It just so happens that I set up his FB account. So, anytime I want, I can go in there. Barbie, you are warned. And again, if she's a smart enough chick, she could have been reading this blog for the past six years and known EVERYTHING about Mr. and me, and our kids that she ever wanted to know. It's OBVIOUS I keep no secrets. So, I go into Mr. Manic's FB account and put up a bunch of flattering photos. Even if they are a couple years back. Why not. I've gotta make sure what's mine is mine! hahahah. I am totally being sarcastic here with my attitude! But yep I did. So there is a nice bunch of pictures for her to enjoy when he's ready to Friend her so she can see what Mr. Manic has been up to.

So when I was done putting up all the photos, which I didn't tell Mr. Manic I was doing, and he was in the other room ... I went into the living room. And he said, "Now that you put up all those new pictures, can I friend her now?" Hahahah. I said that he can do whatever he wants.

So, we'll see how this one plays out. But just to be on the safe side, I have made sure that all my privacy account settings are in place so she doesn't need to see what my updates are all about, and like someone mentioned on my FB page, every now and then I may be updating Mr. Manic's page with posts like this:

"Am so thankful for my beautiful loving wife. God has blessed me tremendously these past 17 years!"

or how about ...

"Stephanie greeted me at the door in a skimpy little number with martini in hand. Dinner was served and we made incredible love all night long. I'm so glad I married the right one!"

After all, you can never be too careful! Gotta protect what's mine! Hahahah.

PeaCe uP!
Even though going down might be necessary soon ---

~MaNiC MoMMy

CRyiNG iS eXHauSTiNG

I wanted today to be a good happy day. It's Friday. It's the start of a long weekend. Mr. Manic is not going to travel next week. We've just had a nice day for Tukey yesterday with his birthday. I went to bed really early last night, thought I slept well. Decided that today might be the day I cut out sweets and sugar because I've been indulging way too much lately.

I planned on a good day today. Really.

I wanted to hit Yoga at Lifetime. Wanted to get back into a routine, find some balance in my very unbalanced life of late.

Tukey woke up. He didn't seem very happy. I figured it was because his special "All About Me" birthday was over. He was on my bed, looking sad and forlorn. I asked him what was wrong.

He told me after some prying. That he was thinking about his last birthdays how he spent them with his friends having parties and how he is missing Illinois and his friends.

Oh, how I get it. He was trying to hold back tears. I told him to come by me, I held him on my lap and told him I don't care if he's nine or 19, that he can cry. That he should cry. To let it out. He can cry. God made tears for a reason and he's allowed to cry them out. So he cried. And I cried. I told him how much I missed my friends too, and how sad I am too to be away from my friends, the girls I miss and love every single day that I am here. We cried together on my bed this morning.

Cuz what else can we do. When we feel sad, we cry. That's all we can do. Sure, we can try to get out there and make friends, and we will do that. We are doing that. But when we're sad, we're gonna cry.

He went to school with my promise to him that we can go whereever he wants after school -- if he wants to use some of his birthday money to go buy something, or go get a treat, I will take him somewhere. I will do anything in my power to make that little guy a little less sad during these transitional hard times for all of us.

So then I went to yoga. Thinking I needed to breathe, get some balance, find some inner peace. It was a good class. I focused on myself for once in a long time. A very long time. Being here, I have been focusing so darn much on my kids and trying to make them as comfortable and less sad, and just working through making a new life here. I have forgotten about myself.

I don't know who I am.

I did yoga, and it was good. I might need to Eat Pray and Love. Forget that. I definitely don't need to Eat. But I did do yoga, and I liked the teacher. During the last part, the sivasana, which I always think it should be spelled shivasana, but I think it's spelled the other way, I was trying to be relaxed, but I really think the teacher played that song, CRY. In fact, I'm going to look it up right now on iTunes ... nah, maybe it was the song Smile when your heart is breaking ... whatever, it was one of those perfect songs to just bring me right to the ledge. And I lost it.

Really lost it.

I've cried a few times during yoga. And it's like the tears just come and it's an otherworldly place you can't control but not like blown out tears, just automatically rolling quietly down the cheeks, like someone wouldn't even know you are crying unless they saw the two tears slipping down your face.

That kind of crying.

But then I had to get out of there.

The thing was. I had no where to go.

It hit me that in Illinois, after yoga, I would be surrounded by lots of love. I would be in a class with about 5 or 6 really close girlfriends most of the time, and even if none of my friends were there, I loved my yoga teacher Toni, and while this was a really great class here and I can't wait to go back, it was like, "now what?"

There's no one here.

After in Illinois, a bunch of us would go get Starbucks, or I could chat with people, smile to a half-dozen friends I KNEW. Now I just had to walk out of there with a wet face while I watched everyone else have nice conversations with their FRIENDS about what they were going to do together over the long weekend.

It just really is hard to be the new kid. And it's really exhausting to have to put yourself out there to make the friends. And it's really exhausting to have to help your children do this too. I dont' feel like I have the energy to do this another time. I've already done this in Philadelphia. I've done it again in Illinois. I don't know if I want to expend all the energy to be bright and happy and outgoing, to find the people that I want to surround myself with all over again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my kids crying, of being sad. Of missing their friends. I'm tired of having to work through all of this all on my own.

It's exhausting.

I need a good long nap. A massage. Some sympathy, because I understand I'm being whiny and not really that much is horrible in my life.

But this is how I'm feeling.

TuKey Pie

My Tukey Pie is nine today.

I tell him so often that I didn't have to have him that he probably gets tired of hearing it.

My baby son is no longer a baby.

He is meaty and strong, with big smiles and huge feelings and breaks my heart with his sadness and makes me grin from ear to ear when he asks me to snuggle with him at night or says, "I could use a hug right now."

I call him my Chosen One because I chose him. Yes, I chose my other children, and yes, I could have stopped at one child. I could have stopped at two. I could have definitely stopped at two. I was blessed with a beautiful son and a beautiful daughter. It was every parent's dream. A boy and a girl. But call me selfish.

I wanted more. Is that the most greedy thing for a parent to say. I wanted more children. I wanted another. I look back and think about all the women who struggle with infertility for years and maybe I had a little bit of a hard time getting pregnant the first time around, and maybe it's selfish of me to just say, "I wanted another child just to grow my family and love it and have more siblings for my children," so I went for it.

And I got Tukey.

Just look what I got!

And it's his ninth birthday.

Happy birthday to my little awesome boy, who I never want to see grow up and who I am thrilled to watch grow up into a gorgeous kind thoughtful loving sweet boy every single day.

Here he is when he was in Kindergarten after he lost his first tooth:




And here he is last night, with his brand new acoustic guitar! He's ready to rock!



Happy birthday to my best nine year old Tukey Pie!