Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Why I Wish I Was Jewish

This is a rant.

And a public apology to my husband for not wanting to deal with the Christmas lights.

THEY FREAKING SUCK BIG FAT CHRISTMAS SCHWEDDY BALLS!

There, I feel better.

OK, I spent Saturday putting up the lights; they are multicolored and kind of pretty, and I felt a real sense of accomplishment having done the job myself.

Then, just last night, a freaking string of lights died.

OK, shit happens, not a biggie, this just gave me an excuse to go to Target today to return the one strand, get a store credit for $7.93 and then promptly go to the Starbucks in the Target and spend it all on a grande-three-pumps-only-non-fat-peppermint-mocha-no-whip-because-I'm-counting-points (another reason for my crabbiness and need to rant!).

This stupid freaking strand of lights ended up costing me one-hundred-and-eighty-one dollars this morning. I HATE COMMERCIALISM and RETAIL and their never-ending ploy to get us to spend money!

But, I did buy another two boxes of lights, and went outside this afternoon and cheerily wrapped them around some bushes, and even stapled some to the front of our house over the garage (shhh, don't tell hubby this!).

I just went outside and you guessed it...

ANOTHER FREAKING STRAND OF STUPID LIGHTS IS DEAD! WTF!?!?!?

So, if I was Jewish, then all I'd have to do is eat potato pancakes and play with a dreidel, and get a cute blue-and-white Mennorah to put in my front window, and I'd also get like eight day's worth of presents.

I was relaying this info to Swishy, who told me she would convert with me as well, because she also hates the commercialism of Christmas but then I was struck with a thought and I said maybe I didn't want to convert because I am not sure I'd be up for the circumcision, ya know?

This post is in no way making fun of the Jewish religion, I have a lot of Jewish friends, and know how to play the dreidel game. I will equally make fun of Santa Clause and that whole ruse in the coming weeks, you can be sure. Call me Bobat, or whoever that guy is!

UPDATE: THE FREAKING LIGHTS I PURCHASED TODAY AND PUT UP OVER THE GARAGE ON THE HOUSE HAVE NOW BURNED OUT SO THAT ONLY HALF THE STRING IS LIT. I'm going to the synagogue.

25 comments:

Swishy said...

That's why I don't have Christmas lights up!

It's Borat! I am going to be laughing at that one all night. Ha ha ha ha.

Ramblin Rose said...

ahhh ha so funny!!!

Stuff the christmas lights!!! Rip them all down and take them back!!!

Bah Humbug I say!! It's too hot for christmas!!1

TTQ said...

no lights here. Weliveinthe darkscaryhousewithnolightsonatall.
Bah humbug.

Manic Mom said...

TTQ--I wanna move in with you.

eatmisery said...

That's exactly why I hate putting up lights. Every year I throw them out.

Drew Blackstone said...

Heh heh. You said "Schweddy Balls." Heh heh.

Shannon said...

My husband is Jewish (I'm not) and refuses to put up Christmas lights outside of the house. I'm too lazy to do it, so we're the only house in my neighborhood that's dark at night.

I put on the porch lights to give some Christmasy effect so I don't feel left out.

My husband does enjoy the Hannukah bush we decorate every year though :) (I'd be referring to a Christmas tree, not my who-ha)

Allee said...

Hey Manic. The commercialism of Christmas is not the only reason Swishy would convert. She and I have talked about other benefits as well. Very attractive benefits!

Anonymous said...

My husband is also Jewish and he loves to put up Christmas lights. He even worked at a pool and patio store in high school that sold Christmas trees in the off-season. He also does a better job than I do of lighting the Christmas tree.

Would you like me to send him over? That is, after I go back to Target also and buy more white lights because we're missing an entire box of them.

Manic Mom said...

Shannon--cracked up over the 'bush' comment!

Allee--what benefits!?!? Swish hasn't told me!

Anon--is your hubby hot? Send 'em over!

Trish said...

Take the lights down and call yourself "environmental". Then make yourself an apple-tini and let the conversion begin.

Trish Ryan said...

Don't give up the presents because of the lights. It's all a test. Santa sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows how you handle the annoying strings of lights, so don't staple them the garage, for goodness sakes!

Sorry, I couldn't resist. But seriously - you're bigger than the lights, you're smarter than the lights. You can win this battle. (And no matter how bad it gets, it's better than circumcision!)

Manic Mom said...

I thought stapling them was a good thing!

Swishy said...

I'll jump in here--Allee's talking about the HOT JEWISH GUYS! All the single, cute guys are Jewish and looking for a new Jewish girl to settle down with. I can light a menorah, I swear I can!

The Dummy said...

You said balls.

Andie said...

I'm not Jewish, but one of my best friends is and I have a menorah. I consider converting every now and again. But it would break my dad's heart!

But seriously, what kind of lights are you getting that they are all burning out so easily?

maybe you should get some from walmart?

Just messing with you.

Manic Mom said...

Dummy, yep, that's what I said!

Andie--they are CRAPPY lights, that's what kind! And today, I was back at Target, another story, another reason for this purchase, and a lady behind me was buying a shitload of lights. I wanted to tell her NOT TO DO IT!

Frannie Farmer said...

Yep, still no lights here. and its effing snowing again - so I don't see any lights in the near future. Not that is matters ... we are always the last on the road anyway.

Anonymous Jew in NYC said...

On behalf of your jewish readers, welcome to the tribe. We jews eat chinese food and go to the movies on Christmas. Care to join us?

Anonymous Jew in NYC said...

PS- If any single jewish women are reading this and looking for a bf, let me know. Im in NYC and Im single.

(Why I read this blog you ask? I duno but it cracks me up from time to time. So why the heck not?)

Nancy French said...

Oh, I'm sorry -- Impressed that you even hung the lights. My momma is coming to help me do it tomorrow.

:)

Swishy said...

Hey, anonymous Jew--you up for long distance or what?

Next up ... Manic Mom's dating service!

Manic Mom said...

We already know I'm a talent agent in the making!

Anonymous Jew in NYC said...

Perhaps :)

In this day and age of technology, anything is possible.

Anonymous Jew in NYC said...

PS its more like manic moms talent agency/dating service.