Minute With Manic
November 7, 2007
Blogger Name: Rob, The Nerdy Redneck
Blogger URL/link: www.nerdyredneck.blogspot.com
Blogging since: THREE WEEKS AGO!
Manic: Well it’s our first ever Man Minute, so let’s rake him through the coals, shall we ladies? Nah, I’m just kidding! We here at Manic Mom love it when the boys stop by! It gives us a chance to learn about the weaker sex – ha ha! Anyway, I’m glad to have self-appointed, Rob the Nerdy Redneck, as our first-ever Male Minute With Manic. You’ve gotten quite a bit of slack from some of the commenters just because you like to discuss boobs and Britney’s nether regions. Why do you think that is?
Rob: Slack? Is that what they call it now? I think I have about 12 stitches from the "slack."
Manic: Rob, clearly you haven’t been around Manic Mom’s long enough. We thrive on making the lesser of the genders well, appear lesser, if you know what I mean. But anyway, what’s up with Britney?
Rob: I think I stumbled onto the secret of discussing Britney – don’t be nice! As long as you savage her, the ladies will jump right in!
Manic: So true! So true. Really, I don’t think I’ve met a woman who likes Britney all that much. Women either think she’s a ho, a bad mother, bad singer, or all of the above. They either hate her or feel sorry for her. There is no in-between when discussing Brit.
Rob: She is such a trashy bimbo whore and a horrible mother as well! Am I right?
Manic: Yes Rob! You’re on to something! Now, to any of our more modest readers, please just leave, because we are going to discuss boobs. Because I want to. I want to know the male’s perspective, so Rob, let us have it. Straight up – Boob talk.
Rob: Boobs are a different thing altogether. I just adore boobs. Big or small, short or tall, I love 'em all!
Manic: Nice poetry Rob; you taking lessons from me? But seriously, I think you are the voice of all men when it comes to women’s body parts. What do you think about women and their own perception of their bodies?
Rob: I read this week that 85 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies.
Manic: Women readers, how many of you are completely satisfied with every aspect of your body? Come on, be honest. What don’t you like about your bods?
Rob: Hey, are we discussing them or MY thoughts on them?
Manic: Yes, sorry.
Rob: As I was saying, 85 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies, yet men only find 15 percent of all women unattractive. We are just not that hard to please.
Manic: Speaking of women and looks, did you ever hear that joke about a guy in a bar and he’s checking out a chick, who, on the scale of one to 10, she’s a ‘two’ at 10:00, but at 2:00, she’s a 10? Ha! That one always cracks me up. Get it? Like he’s drunk by 2:00 AM so then she’s really hot? OK, thoughts on breast augmentation?
Rob: There is no need to go through the agony of getting your chest cut open and having water balloons installed.
Manic: Installed? Is this a tune-up? Don’t you mean implanted? And can you imagine some crazy doctor clown man putting in animal-shaped balloons? “Ooh, I see you got a set of giraffes installed?” Hee hee, sorry, just my Manic humor shining through!
Rob: I actually get upset when I see one of those TV shows where a girl with cute, perky little A cups get butchered up to have beach balls sewn onto her chest so she can meet some bizarre undefined standard of beauty.
Manic: Yes, but come on. She’s got some major self-esteem issues and those beach balls are just going to bring out the absolute best of her personality and charm. That’s all it is. She just needs a little personality lift!
Rob: It’s just such a waste. In all of my life I have NEVER heard a man say, "You know Rob, I really like her, she is fun and cute but no way am I asking her out! Her boobs are just too small." It has never happened ladies, NEVER.
Manic: See Rob, we are crazy ladies!
Rob: Oh, while we are talking about standards of beauty, gals, what is it with the earrings and fingernails?
Manic: Hey ROB? Are you now interviewing ME? I’ll tell you what’s up with the earrings and nail thing. They don’t make us look fat! In fact, my fingernails have just started growing for some odd reason (must be the healthy lifestyle change I’ve undertaken), and I just started getting manicures again, after more than a decade! I like flicking my nails in peoples’ faces, saying, “Hey, check out my nails!” It detracts them from looking at my butt.
Rob: Well, in all the years I have been hanging out with guys and discussing women, never, EVER, have I or any other guy said, "Ooooooh, two o’clock, second from the end, check out the earrings on that one... Or how about, “Oh...my... Gawd, be still my heart, look at those FINGERNAILS! French Manicure! I am totally marrying her, dude!
Manic: Do you know what a gal with nice nails can do to you? Hmmm…. Can you say BACK SCRATCHES? Come on, seriously, think about what a woman like this can do to your back:
I’m just curious as to how she’s going to manage to paint her other fingernails?! So, anyway, next question for you. See, this isn’t too hard now, is it? Are rednecks and cowboys kinda the same thing?
Rob: Well, there is some overlap. In fact, I guess it is safe to say that most cowboys are rednecks but not all rednecks are cowboys.
Rob: Now Webster's defines a redneck as…
Manic: Ooh, another lesson. I am learning so much from these educational Minutes With Manic!
Rob: Webster’s defines redneck as: an uneducated white farm laborer, esp. from the South. Or a bigot or reactionary, esp. from the rural working class.
Manic: Do you think that’s an accurate definition?
Rob: Rednecks come in all levels of education. I know rednecks with doctorates. Personally, I define rednecks as people with no pretensions. We don't have to pretend something is beneath us just to impress others. For example, if I show you a picture of a dead squirrel with two GI Joe dolls posed over it, some people would feel they have to act grossed out. Other people would feel the need to pretend they were just too high-brow to find humor in such an uncouth act.
Manic: Hold it right there! You’ve just done it! You’ve stumped the Manic! Give this boy a prize! I tried to “youtube” DEAD SQUIRREL GI JOE and NOTHING CAME UP! Every other time I had a youtube idea, I’ve found what I wanted—the eyeball, Freak-a-zoid, Brad Pitt, cow-chewing, and here you bring in this dead squirrel thing, and while I did find a youtube video totally unsuitable for Manic readers called THINGS TO DO WITH A DEAD SQUIRREL, I did not feel it was an appropriate video for viewing. Nice job there Rob!
So, let’s talk elusiveness in women, shall we? What is the most elusive thing you’ve discovered about women?
Rob: Beats me! They’re just way too elusive!
Manic, batting her eyelashes: Oh Rob! You are just so funny!
Rob: Seriously, I guess it would be what I was talking about earlier, why so many women feel so bad about themselves most of the time. We men just adore you, we live for you, we spend our lives and our money trying to think of ways to make you happy and yet so many of you still feel so bad about yourselves. That is tough to grasp.
Manic: When you say, “we men spend our money trying to think of ways to make you happy…” can you do me a favor and send a memo to Mr. Manic telling him this: DIAMOND EARRINGS the size of dimes are what will make us happy! Me anyway.
OK, now I’m gonna ask you the really tough questions you’ve been dreading… If you could be a woman for a day, who would you be?
Rob: Odds are good I would be a total sports bra and Danskin-wearing slut. Yeeehaw!
Manic: OK, like how Cubmommy said she might want to be Angelina for a day, who would you choose - who is your male dream boy? In a non-gay way, of course, not that there’s anything wrong with that:
Rob: Two Texas men pop right to mind, Patrick Swayze (Road House version) and Matthew McConaughey.
Hmmm. Patrick yes! Soooo hot!
But Matthew? Hmmm… I’m just not seeing what all the fuss is about? I just don’t see the attraction there.
So, Rob, tell me, what is the most aggravating thing about the weaker sex?
Rob: Well, I hate it when they get all obsessed about big trucks and fishing. Oh, and worn out old ball caps. Hubcap sized belt buckles are pretty annoying, too. And what is it with plumber’s butt anyway? … OH! You meant women? The weaker sex? HA! That’s a funny one, Manic.
Manic: Thanks Rob, I just knew you’d get the humor in that one! And thanks for being open to being the first Male Minute With Manic interview. I know you were scared about opening yourself up to us like this, but if I may speak for women everywhere (because I’m gonna anyway), we truly appreciate your openness and honesty, and thanks for shedding some light on some of the mysteries of manhood!
Matthew McConaughey and The Nerdy Redneck?? Hmmm…. Maybe we can throw in a couple bongo drums and a case of beer? Hot. Very hot!