Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Friend of a Friend

I try not to write about other people on here, but I don’t think this person knows about Manic Mommy and well, it just bugged me and I feel it warrants a conversation.

This friend calls me up regarding another friend and it’s something little, but I wonder if everyone can relate. It’s a spousal thing, so men, you may want to click onto something else, like one of those Fantazee Sports sites or something. And yes, it’s a rant.

So, this friend wakes up the other morning to a note from her husband written on her cell phone bill and summary. It has something snarky written on it about her going over her monthly minutes and wow, she must be a busy executive, or something like that. I don’t know for sure the exact wording, but I think you get the gist of it by just what I’ve written above.

The thing is, my friend said the bill wasn’t even OVER the usual monthly amount because she must have had rollover minutes or something so like what was the big deal? Was her husband just trying to be mean, or snarky, or FUNNY for God’s sake, or was he trying to put her in her place telling her she’s NOT a busy executive and she doesn’t need to be making 1000+ phone calls in a month’s time. And it wasn’t like February with twenty-something days… October hath thirty-one!

A busy executive: Did that husband know what she did all day long? Does any man KNOW what a mother does do in a 24-hour timeframe? I, for one--just last night--was up doing a ton of stuff, and it kills me when I’m finally tucking the kids in (because Mr. Manic had a work dinner because he is usually great and a total hands-on dad) and they want to cuddle yet I can’t because I still have two hours of straightening, and cleaning, and laundry, and lunch-making, and check-writing, and organizing, and freelancing, and … UGH!

Did this snarky note-writer know all of the things his cell-phone using wife had done the whole day? That she probably had all of his laundry clean and put away, that she did all the homework with the kids, that she fed the family… yadda yadda yadda…

I’ve been there. Why is it that husbands sometime feel the need to pull their wives back a bit. Like, “Me caveman, she getting too much freedom, must yank her hair and bring her down back in cave.” Why be like that? How does that help anyone?

I know this woman. I know it made her feel lousy. Cuz it woulda made me feel lousy. I can imagine her coming down the stairs on a bright sunny morning, having had a good night’s sleep, being in a good mood, happy to have such a nice life, a great family, her health, ready to make a cup of coffee and start in on the piles of stuff we moms must start in on. And then I imagine she finds this “busy executive” snark-note and it plummets her mood. I imagine she starts snapping at her kids, to hurry up and eat, to brush their teeth, to put their lunches in their backpacks, get their shoes on and get out the door for the bus. I imagine she makes her little one a chocolate milk, goes to her computer and cries a bit as she writes this post.




I didn’t mean to say that. But I can’t help it. And I don’t care if my mom reads this and gets upset because I’m upset for like 10 minutes of my day. I’m allowed to be upset. I’m allowed to be mad at my husband. I’m allowed to have feelings.

I am a busy godgosh-damned executive (Sorry to God, and I hate that curse, but I am trying to make a point). But don’t demean me for using my fucking cell phone.

In yoga the other day… SCREECH! Don’t get me started—Going to yoga is just too frivolous! I shouldn’t even admit to going to yoga because ‘busy executives’ should not HAVE TIME to go to yoga!

But, our instructor mentioned someone once said that before you say something, you should ask yourself three things:

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?



Yes, it was true that I went over my minutes.

No, it was not a kind note (even with the added smiley face and I LOVE YOU, I felt there was an underlying message, obviously).

And no. It was not necessary.

33 comments:

Jules said...

Manic: That totally sucks. I'm sorry that happened... but I have to say that I absolutely LOVE the words of wisdom from your yoga instructor. If everyone (or even just most people!) would answer those 3 questions BEFORE opening their mouths, this world would be a much happier place.

Hang in there....

Jules
House of Jules

Melissa said...

I agree, Jules! Hang in there Manic, I agree, it wasn't necessary.

Manic Mom said...

SOme dude, Sai Baba quoted it. And in looking at him, it's necessary to tell him he's got bad hair. It's true, but it's not kind.... see, I feel better already!

Monnik said...

Yeah - it wasn't a nice note. Maybe Mr. Manic was stressed out and having a bad day when he wrote it.

Not that it excuses the behavior, but it might explain it.

kristabella said...

I'm sorry Manic. That sucks. I hate passive agressive stuff like that. The smiley face and the I Love You would have made it worse for me. That's like telling me "I hate your guts! :)"

Just remember all that you do and you're an awesome mom and an awesome wife and we all love you lots!

Patti said...

eek. he better be careful or you might evoke exec power and demote him in the boardroom...

Tanya said...

I'm sorry, that wasn't a very nice comment. Perhaps you should ask him what his intent was. Maybe if he did just want to "be funny" he will realize it wasn't.

Anonymous said...

The poor jerk was probably just trying to write an affectionate note at a time and place during your workday when you normally wouldn't expect to find one.

Pray he doesn't read this post, because his likely reaction is that you've cruelly rebuffed attempt to write you an affectionate note. Maybe it was a lame attempt, and the poor sucker had no idea he'd skipped into the middle of a minefield. My point is that you've jumped to a huge stack of conclusions about his motives, and he's not here to defend himself.

Colorado Writer said...

Don't most executives take an expensive, 2-martini lunch, have a massage and attend a happy hour during dinnertime with no regard to their family?

Perhaps you should take a day off?

And by the time he walks in, make sure you are sitting around in your jammies, reading Real Simple magazine and having a cup of tea.

Tell him you used 8.4 vacation hours and therefore, you are off the clock.

Ask him what he's planning for dinner.

Rob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Drewpy Drew said...

I'm with Kristabella. I hate that passive aggressive sh*t! There is no place for that in a loving relationship. Be honest tactful (honesty without tact is like a diet soda. It's a good thing, but it just isn't right) and tell him how it made you feel. I think he really doesn't understand. A little education can go a long way. It's better to mend a fence than to build a new wall.

BTW - You went over your word limit with that post. :)

Cecily R said...

I hope your day is better than your morning. I agree with someone who said you should tell him it made you feel cruddy. Then do what CW said and take a vacation day and get a massage.

xo

amanda said...

You mean you want me to engage brain before mouth??

Just skipped over to 40 weeks and it's still on week 7....I am poorly and need the next instalment to raise my endorphins and beat my poorlyness into submission....JUST GET WRITTING MANIC!!! OK??!


oops!

Kate said...

wow - that is just WRONG! see this is where optimisim can turn nasty. i would so wait until he got home and then start in with "i am so glad you see my contributions as a mother and blogger (and the other zillion thigns you do) as executive level! I agree, let's increase the plan to unlimited mintues so i can continue to expand my business ventures and successes! You have no idea how much it means to me that you support me like this. i love you so much!" *smooches*

KATE said...

You are so funny! I totally understand your feelings. I'd be totally bent outta shape with that note!
I'm a good mom & wife & I take care of ALOT of crap, what the hell difference does it make how much I'm on the phone!!!

It definitely wasn't necessary!!

Jen38 said...

That is spot on Manic, spot on.

I love yoga as well, it is a wonderful time to devote to yourself, and those were profound words.

XO Jen

Secretmom said...

ugh, i hate stuff like that. my husband too is normally uber supportive, contributing, well-trained husband/father. But every once in awhile, things like that happen and...ugh! my biggest pet peeve is when he doesn't even ask me what i did during the day--like it doesn't even occurr to him or it doesn't matter. OR, worse, that he only asks if i went the gym.

Manic Mom said...

Is Anonymous 10:53 my husband?

It was kind of passive aggressive wasn't it?

I don't know how to handle because he's going to tell me to "let it go" and that I'm so defensive all the time, which I am.

Amanda, email me at manicmommy@comcast.net and I'll tell you more about 40 Weeks. It's completely done already.

Secretmom--TOTALLY!!! He does not even EVER ask about my day. Just comes in and I know he's thinking, Why is the kitchen a mess?

I wanna cry.

Kate said...

The anonymous poster sounds much too mean to be Mr. Manic. So, you're blowing off some steam. It hurt you. You acknowledged it might have been an attempt at a joke.

Sigh. Sounds like it was an unnecessary comment but you should say that it hurt you. Even if he meant it as a joke and truly appreciates you 100% of the time, it hurt your feelings and that's a valid concern and he needs to apologize and maybe say some more about how much he appreciates the CEO of his home.

((hugs))

Kate said...

P.S. At first I thought you were actually talking about someone else. I am not smart.

Manic Mom said...

Kate, I was truly not going to "out" the situation as being me, but when I started crying as I was typing, it just felt right to tell the truth. Following my "Is it true" mantra! Ha.

Manic Mom said...

Mr. Manic just got home. We had had a few email exchanges late this afternoon where I expressed my feelings, and we determined it was a men are from mars thing. He came in with his arms open for a hug.

"You know I love you honey."

I said: "I know you do."

We stood there hugging and then Tukey came in and said, "OK, awkward."

Colorado Writer said...

Ya. You aren't even allowed to be mad for 24 hours?

And I totally thought the anom was your Manic Man!

Today, hubby got home to the tornado that is my 3 yo. I didn't clean up anything that kid did today...including the orange soda on the carpet and the earthquake of books that were on the floor.

We fought and I threatened to be a 50's housewife who is waiting with slippers by the door.

My word verification was ipeon.

Peon? I am not kidding.

eatmisery said...

I'm glad it was cleared up. Now go have hot make-up sex.

Stella said...

I'm sorry. I hate these days and those comments. My husband makes them too. And I hate, just like another mom said, that he RARELY asks about my day! Um,, hello?? I have a day as well...I work and do things and have emotions. There are just some days that I cannot listen to another story about beer or alcohol because I need to drink it! (He sells it for a living!)

I'm sorry...

Melek said...

i went to NYC for 4 days with my best friend once, and when i got home my ex was all "so, here's what i did. and guess what happened. and this sucks and i hate work". he NEVER, not even to this day, EVER asked me one thing about my trip. ever.

not only that, but i work from home. and i work hard. plus, clean the house, take care of HIS dog (which is mine now btw), etc. and i remember once he came home and said (to whatever we were discussing) "well, why cant you do it? you don't work" ???!!!!

i guess meaning "you don't have an office job"... believe you me, that launched a totally new discussion.

sorry it started your day off crappy. glad to hear he came home with arms open wide. and then maybe made you dinner and rubbed your feet?? :)

onthegomom said...

That really stinks and I, too, would of been hurt. However, I truly believe that men aren't on the same planet as we are, for sure. It's the "can't live with them, can't live without them" scenerio :)

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. ::Hugs::

http://momoftheyear-not.blogspot.com/

Heather said...

Ok, I think I'm slow because it wasn't until I read these comments that I realized it was YOU that YOU were talking about. Wanna hear MY solution to the snarky note....stick a sticky note on the door he enter's when arriving home that says see other sticky note attached to his t.v. dinner in freezer. THAT note will say, "Executive" decision, heading to Bahamas for "biz meeting" with Mr. Patron and Mr. Cuervo. Be back in a week or so. I heart you, Manic Mom P.S. If you can't find your toothbrush, please check the toilet brush holder, as our old one was out of commission, so I used the next best thing.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 10:53 is NOT Mr. Manic. Anon, however, has been in Mr. Manic's position. I used to write affectionate notes and leave them in surprise locations. When your efforts at affection are met by a hostile diatribe about gender politics, and amateur diagnoses of passive-aggressive behavior, it does tend to make one wish he never bothered.

Sorry to provoke such anxiety, but I felt the need to defend Mr. Manic since the other posters here took such pleasure in joining the attack.

Peace

Anonymous poster formerly known as anonymous at 10:53

Manic Mom said...

Hah hah haah Anon--thanks for the 'reveal' that you are not Mr. Manic. I know this to be true as Mr. Manic is upstairs asleep.

I will let him know he has a blog friend, even though he probably does not even know what a blog is!

LOL!

: )

Andie said...

I went through something quite similar this weekend. I think it's definitely a men are from mars type situation.

glad you guys made up!

Shelley said...

I came in late on this one, but I'm glad to hear all has been resolved between you and Mr. Manic. Sometimes when we feel unappreciated for everything that we do (which is often unnoticed), it can be quite frustrating.

Someday, the kids will at least realize that their clothes don't find their way back into their closets, clean and on hangers, by magic. And the house-elves don't make dinner, and dishes don't actually wash themselves. I don't know if the husbands ever grasp this, but once the kids have their own places, they'll get it. I know I did. I wonder if my mom would do some laundry for me?

Shelley said...

PS. I also loved the words of wisdom from the yoga instructor. I agree the world would be a much nicer place if everyone followed that advice. I think I'm going to try it. I can't promise anything, but I will try.