Sunday, March 16, 2008

Romancing Mr. Manic

A TRUE STORY! But first, don't forget, there's still time to enter the IT'S MY DAY! contest!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After a half a bottle of unoaked Chardonnay and some Matt Nathanson music, good company, and a nice meal, I informed Mr. Manic that last night might turn into a lucky night for him. I planned to bring to him some Manic Magic, if you know what I mean, especially because he got slighted on the BJ and a Steak celebration, mainly because I never did tell him that it is a faux-liday. Ha, I just made that up. A faux-holiday. A fauxliday. Like it? Feel free to incorporate it into your everyday correspondence.

We get the kids to bed, and I tell him we’re going to do things my way. Yep, it was going to be a “My Way or the Highway” kinda night. He was all up for it because it had been a while. Know what I’m sayin?

I said:

“Go make sure Diva’s settled into bed.”

He did and she was. She was even asleep already.

“Go make sure the boys are asleep.”

He did and they were.

I settled myself comfortably onto my bed.

“Lock the door.”

He did.

“I want a back massage. Take off my shirt.”

He did.

“Get the lotion from that basket over there.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know. You have to turn on the light.”

“The light will hurt my eyes.”

“YOU HAVE TO TURN ON THE LIGHT TO SEE WHICH LOTION I WANT YOU TO USE FOR MY BACK MASSAGE!”

Can you envision the heightened passion?

He doesn’t turn on the light but instead hands me three choices of lotions. I feel the bottles. One is Miracle Heel for my feet. I remove the lids from the other two and sniff.

“This one.” It’s French Vanilla Bean. Bath and Body Works.

I’m lying on my bed, face down, shirt off.

“Now,” I demand, “straddle me.”

He obeys.

He is a good servant. He knows that in order for him to get what he wants, I must get what I want. I want a back massage. I never get back massages. This is something new I am trying out. This dominant side of me is brilliant! I am convinced it will bring a new level of exciting passion into our lives!

He is waiting for my command. Patiently. As a good servant will.

“Okay,” I say. “Put the lotion on me.”

Mr. Manic tosses the bottle onto my back, flips off of me and says, “There. The lotion is ON YOU. Give me the remote. I’m missing Saturday Night Live.”

56 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

Perhaps you would have been better served by promising him a "Steak and BJ" -- then presenting him with a short, pointed 2-by-2 smeared with butter and jelly.

Amanda said...

Good job I was reading this while the kettle boiled, otherwise it could have been tea spewed EVERYWHERE!

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kate said...

Mwahahaha!


That's why we have a DVR. ;)

B. said...

I laughed so hard at this, and then handed the laptop to my husband to read. I always demand, I mean ask, for a back massage at some point when we "fool around."

LaskiGal said...

uh . . . my husband and your husband could be friends . . .

Romance. Is. On. A. Vacation.

Cecily R said...

I almost heard the music playing in the background. Almost.

Jon and romance don't really mix either. "Let's do it" is about as poetic as he gets. :)

Michelle said...

Wow, what a bummer for you. I think I figured out why you don't get massages that often. Here's hoping that at some point you got a happy ending.

And apparently your embankment story, along with all our encouragement has made your blog trek down a soft core path. Here's hoping it works for you! :)

If it makes you feel any better, I can't remember the last time I got a massage. Partly because my husband isn't very good at it unfortunately!

Eileen said...

Pa ha ha ha ha.... lesson learned.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

our hubbys must be brothers! LOL

Melisa said...

But were you wearing your tiara?

Andrea said...

OMG! That, my dear Manic, was absolutely hilarious! If DTTF had done that to me, I would have still laughed as hard as I did when I reached the end of your story.

Andrea said...

Oh, and I read it aloud to DTTF, who said, "Well, I guess we know where his priorities lie..." :)

Colleen said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What a perfect story to read on a Monday morning. Its best to start the work week off with a laugh!

Karen MEG said...

At least you got him to straddle you.

That was too hilarious!

Mind you, SNL was pretty funny this past weekend lOL!

LaskiGal said...

I'm with Karen, SNL was pretty funny . . . I've got somethin' for ya!

Sue said...

Classic!

Anonymous said...

He refused to give you a back massage because you were being a bitch, not erotic. Your dominant side needs to read _The Ethical Slut._

Mabunny said...

OMG, LMAO! I told my hubby about stak and BJ day, but we didn't celebrate it. We actually had chicken that night:))
I do need to do something for (to) him to remind him how sexy I think he is. His 40th bday is this coming Saturday and he's not looking forward to it. Says he feels more like 140.
Hope you are having a great day!

MaBunny

Amanda said...

Have just wrenched myself off the sofa, feeling fairly crappy with onset of school cold/tonsilitis and I have to say one thing for sure - Manic, you should do a talk show, Ricky Lake's got noting on you!

Swishy said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Anon! Be nice! My Manic is not a bitch, and she is PLENTY erotic!

My boys are Army Brats said...

That is great! I too decided not to inform my hubby of the fauxliday either until the next day, oops how could I forget? Silly me! Oh right the same way that he has never celebrated any day over our 8 year marriage right? Wait take that back, he did do the sad attempt at a ground hogs day party for me. He tried...

THopgood said...

LMAO! I told my husband about this fauxliday and his ears perked right up..."what? Steak and BJ day? How did I miss that one? Where did you hear this? Tell me more! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? PLEASE! I.must.know.about.steak.and.BJ day.!"

Steph said...

Well that was one passion packed night!!!

Manic Mom said...

Passion Packed Night--hahahah.

Google Steak & A BJ.

Or don't.

Either way, men can't remember that far in advance, right? They'll forget by next march.

Anon, come on, can you not sense my humorous tone? Clearly you have not been a reader very long.

Colorado Writer said...

OMG, I am laughing my butt off.

Anonymous said...

Why do Americans laugh their bums off? Laugh your head off, yes, bum? er, nope.

Manic Mom said...

Colorado, we were cracking up too!

I was gonna say we were laughing our butts off too, but I didn't want to offend the non-American anonymous poster above!

I do crack my head off sometimes though! Or Laugh myself silly! Or laugh until my face splits. I guess we fat-ass Americans like the idea of laughing our fat asses off--it's kind of like exercise!!!


LOL!!!!

Rachel said...

That was hysterical :-)
What a twit.

Robin said...

Tell Mr. Manic that you never know when a massage will have a "happy ending".

Kim Stagliano said...

Hey Manic, my agent reps a Dominatrix! We should read her book and see what we can learn. Crazy funny post - anon notwithstanding. This ain't Church anonyman.

Manic Mom said...

Hey Kim, although the Manic family has attended church religiously like three months and have even become members at a new place of worship... it's all in the balancing of things... you know, a little porn, a little church. It's all good--everything in moderation!

And I'm sure Anon meant no harm in his/her comment ; )

Jeff said...

Holy crap there's a lot of women around here! But here I am, just like you demanded... er.. I mean suggested.

Seriously though, I wouldn't have passed on a chance for a straddle - no matter HOW I was asked ;-)

Martini said...

He refused to give you a back massage because you were being a bitch, not erotic. Your dominant side needs to read _The Ethical Slut._

First to the Anon one.....sounds as if someone needs some alone time.....or has had too much alone time.

And if you acted that way with me Manic....I would be soooo not wanting TV or a remote or a steak or a ....you get the idea.

Manic Mom said...

I am laughing out loud because I see this Jeff guy on all the babes blogs, like ALL the mom blogs so I go to his blog today and DEMAND that he comes over to MINE, and lo and behold, he does!

And then afterward, my sweetheart Martini pays me a visit!

For the one meany anon, I get all these nice people! Awwwwww! Thanks guys! : )

Kim Stagliano said...

"A little porn. A little church." Must. Have, Bumper sticker.

Amanda said...

Maybe the tiara would have clinched it - you know, the whole queen/serf thing....HEy! that's it! Maybe Mr M's waiting for the warmer weather for a potting shed rendezvous!!

BTW, I stuck your name in at amazon just because I could and did you know you came up as a co-author on a book I would not read in front of my mother?! Try it - Elliot with one t and all!

ThursdayNext said...

I am so using fauxliday in my everyday correspondence. ;)

HRH said...

How romantic! I am inspired to try that this evening...at least Saturday night live isn't on. Although come to think of it, it probably is on one of those seldomly used satellite channels. Hmmmm, better not chance it.

Anonymous said...

why would you ever list xanax as an interest? or leave comments joking about what it would be like to be addicted? Im just curious...i've decided to go anonymous b/c if you read my blog you would probably laugh at the distress, sadness and loss I feel from losing the love of my life to that drug. i suppose you want to know what throwing up blood, destroying your bowels, and becoming dillusional is like?
I'm sorry I just hope you'll reconsider. good luck.

Manic Mom said...

Anonymous, I am so, so, so deeply sorry about your personal loss, and I obviously meant no harm in being jokey about my feigned interests. When I started Manic Mommy almost four years ago, it wasn't really for anyone but myself and was just a lot of snarky jokey stuff. If you knew me in real life, I would hope the people who do know me would agree that I'm not a cruel spiteful mean person and I would never wish pain or sorrow on anyone.

It distresses me to know that people even become addicted to it and can die from it. If you would like to discuss via email further, I really would like to, if you feel you want more of an explanation, even though I'm not sure I have one.

I have removed that as my interest; you are right, it's stupid to have on there, and that profile hasn't been updated since I created this blog in '04. I am really sorry for the pain you have experienced from that drug. For me personally, I rarely use it, I'm not addicted to it. I do have a prescription. I am on anti-depressants, I have spoken very openly on my blog about my attempt to get off my anti-depressants, but I have never been addicted to Xanax.

I'm sorry you felt personally hurt by what I write here, definitely not my intentions! I just try to make people laugh and feel connected, and that's definitely not what happened when you read my profile.

Anonymous said...

Manic,

I've posted some anonymous comments here over the past few months, and I sure hope I haven't been nearly as obnoxious as some of the other anons who posted the last couple of days.

There's nothing wrong with disagreeing with you, but people should stand behind their own identities (or at least their own blog alter-egos). I suppose that makes me a hypocrite (for being an anon), a coward (for wanting to remain anonymous), and/or lazy (for not having my own blog to post my screeds).

Anyway, anonymity seems to bring out the worst in people, and for that reason I recommend you disallow anonymous comments. People shouldn't be allowed to post offensive garbage without any accountability. (At least you stand behind your own offensive garbage ;-) )

Peace,
Anon.

also a DGN and NIU alum

Anonymous said...

from anonymous #1...
I truley! appreciate your response. Sometimes the emotion of the situation charges me to challenge all that I can. In reading another blog yesterday someone really was addicted. A drug company website had the nerve to post a comment on their blog as " jane" that led you to their site to buy drugs. How terrible.
I'm sorry, I'm in my late 20's and it's an epidemic for my generation, if they are taking xanax & drinking, they are snorting aderall...it's really scary.
But again, I really really appreciate your response. As for the anonymous response calling anonymous cowardice. He speaks for himself.
I am anonymous b/c my blog has names and mentions my own depression over this situation..and I can't put peoples business out there like that. I haven't lost him, in death, to be clear. He been chemicallly altered, during detox he cannot tell the difference b/w his dreams, imagination and reality. He can't remember where he was. He has destroyed things financially, broken trust, and lost me & his family suport.
if anyone is interested talk to people at www.soberrecovery.com, it's incredible. People have a harder time getting off benzos then heroin.
Thanks again for your time.
~jamie

Anonymous said...

ps - BJ & steak story = very funny :)

~ Jamie

Anonymous said...

pss - depression? fighting it?

read this book, its awesome.

eat.pray.love.

damon said...

It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!

I looked into it and Hallmark makes NO card for Steak and B.J. Day.

Manic Mom said...

Jamie--I am glad to know the person you love is not dead; I just wonder if there is any hope for his well-being. Thank you for being understanding to my naivety to the situation. I wish you well, and I wish you happiness.

Anon DGN and NIU alum--I obviously know you? Hmmm... this is a tricky one! But, regarding anon comments being allowed, most of the time, they are nice, sometimes, they get a little bit over the top, but I find, as in the case with you, that readers come to the rescue and take over for me, save the day, and half the time, I don't even need to speak in my defense!

So thank you very much!

All is good in the world of blogging!

Promises of lighter stuff to come, including the winner of IT'S MY DAY CONTEST, and yes, because I'm that crazy...

ANOTHER FREAKING CONTEST MAY JUST BE AROUND THE CORNER...

Martini said...

You had me at "Straddle Me"!

Everyone needs to lighten up....it is what it is....light hearted banter with no ill intent.

Kim's post ....very FUNNY!

"A little porn. A little church." Must. Have, Bumper sticker.

Without laughter where would we be?

Bina said...

Oh no he did not girlfriend! Well...I don't even know what to say to that, but I do know this past weekend, when I woke up, I was feeling Randy. I get on top of my husband, and he is all excited, loving everything I'm doing, and then I straddle him. He shrinks up on me. I say, "What the hell?" He says, "Well, I thought I was getting a full-on BJ, I didn't know you actually wanted sex."

What a big baby.

Manic Mom said...

Bina--what a big lazy jerky! LOL!

Sara Rose Tutus said...

hahahahaha

Kim Stagliano said...

DAMON!!! My favorite line from Silence of the Lambs!

Greta said...

D'oh! Damon stole my comment. I TOTALLY was thinking Silence of the Lambs while reading this one. Too funny!

Also...I'll email you separately, but Kiki and I have moved to our own domain. We're now at
http://doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com

Shelley said...

Oh, Mr. Manic... *shakes head* Don't you realize you have to take these moments where you can get them? Silly, silly man. C'mon, SNL hasn't been THAT good since the 70s. lol Um...so I've been told, not like I was allowed to watch it in 1975. It was past my bedtime. :)

Joel said...

I have this sudden urge to sing, "Faux-laux-laux-laux-laux-liday." But it's May, not December... so I'm going to sing Jingle Bells instead ;)

Jim Cooney said...

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin..."

Did somebody make a Silence of the Lambs joke already?

And I'm ashamed that you knew the correct date for Steak and BJ day, and I didn't (I thought it was March 20, which makes less sense).

Manic Mom said...

OK, Jim, you are soooo late to this party, but someone, please refresh my Silence of the Lambs memory because I have blanked out on this one, (maybe on purpose?) And yeah, some people in the comments section were already talking about this...

And another thing, someone else the other night was telling me guys at her work were saying March 20 was Steak and a BJ day now too!

I'm beginning to wonder if men are just trying to make this into an everyday event??? Hmmmmmm?