Monday, March 31, 2008

Vasectomy

My friend’s husband just got the big “V” last week, and I asked the appropriate questions required of me:

“Is he OK?”

“What’s it look like?”

“Did they swell the size of eggplants?”

“Is it now the color of eggplant?”

“Is he being a big baby?”

“Do you have any extra vicodin?”

“Peas or corn?”

“How many times will he have to do it in a cup?”

“Were you in the room with him?”

She was not in the room with him.

“WHY weren’t you in the room with him?”

I am definitely going to request I be in the room with Mr. Manic when his time comes, because my friend told me a little secret – smoke comes out of “their them yonders” when they do the procedure.

I sooo want to see that.

Little streams of smoke wafting up like Native-American signals saying, “Hey, no worries down here, don’t send any help! You’re killing us all off though! But that’s OK, cuz now you can have all the sex you could ever imagine having any time you want.” Well, as long as the doors are locked and the kids are nowhere in sight and you’ve got a nice little buzz from a couple of margaritas or a couple glasses of wine, and he hasn’t been annoying you lately and you’re not too tired or full or crabby, and the moons are aligned and you don’t have your period and …

OK.

Plus, he got to see MY feet in stirrups – THREE times. It’s only fair, you know, that I should see him in stirrups!

And of course, I’ll hold his hand and tell him it’ll be over soon. Of course I would do that for Mr. Manic.

But ANYWAY, my friend said her husband said they had the radio on while they were zapping at his zoingoes, and yes, I just made up that word, and isn’t it a fun one? Zoingoes. “Zoin” rhymes with coin, and “goes” as in “He GOES to get a vasectomy.”

(Can I put that word on urbandictionary.com?)

My friend said her husband actually heard the song by the Rolling Stones, “You Make a Grown Man Cry” during his vasectomy which busted us both out in fits of laughter and then got us thinking about a great topic:

SONGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER YOUR VASECTOMY:

All The Small Things – Blink 182

Great Balls Of Fire – Jerry Lee Lewis

Beat It – Michael Jackson

Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls

Chop Me Up – Justin Timberlake

Come As You Are – Nirvana

Crank That – Soulja Boy

Crank Dat – DJ Godfather

Dancing “Queen” – ABBA

Daughters – John Mayer

Electric Blue (Balls!) – Icehouse

Everytime We Touch – Cascada

Fidelity – Regina Spektor

Fix You – Coldplay

Fix You Up – Tegan and Sara

Frizzle Fry – Primus

Gimme More – Britney Spears

“Headsprung” – LL Cool J

Here It Goes Again – OK GO

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar

How Far We’ve “Come” – Matchbox Twenty

How To Save A Life – The Frey

“Hung” Up – Madonna

“Taint”ed Love – “Soft” Cell

I’ve Got To See You Again – Norah Jones

I Could Have Lied – Red Hot Chili Peppers

I Don’t Need Her – The Outfield

I Grieve – Peter Gabriel

I Have The Touch – Peter Gabriel

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? – Oops, sorry, that’s not a song!

I Would For You – Jane’s Addiction

Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

If The World Crashes Down – Enrique Iglesias

It’s Only Love – Simply Red

It Ends Tonight – The All American Rejects

Just A Girl – No Doubt

Just Lose It – Eninem

Hanging By A Moment -- Lifehouse

(NO) Kids Of The Future – Jonas Brothers

Last Dance – Donna Summer

Let’s Go To Bed – The Cure

Lie In Our Graves – Dave Matthews Band

Lost In A Crowd – Rusted Root

Murder Of One – Counting Crows

Naked – The BoDeans

Never Again – Kelly Clarkson

No Chump Love Sucker – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You – Gloria Estefan

Rise Up And Walk – Poi Dog Pondering

Rock You Like A Hurricane – Scorpions

Smack That - Akon

Sabotage – Beastie Boys

Staying Alive – Bee Gees

That’s The Way I Like It – KC & The Sunshine Band

This Is My Now – Jordin Sparks

“Hard”en My Heart – Quarterflash

“Come” On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

This Is The Day – The The

Through The Fire And Flames – Dragonforce

Turn Me On – Norah Jones

We Be Burnin’ – Sean Paul

We Will Rock You – Queen / Michael Johns

Welcome To The Jungle – Guns N’ Roses

When The World Ends – Dave Matthews Band

Where Does The Good Go – Tegan and Sara

Wind it Up – Gwen Stefani

Witch Doctor – Alvin and the Chipmunks

I Want Your Sex – George Michael

The Shake Of Big Hands – Poi Dog Pondering

Shake That – Eminem

Snap And Roll – Soulja Boy

The Space Between – Dave Matthews Band

Nothing Left To Lose – Mat Kearney

Beast Of Burden – Rolling Stones

Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs

Release – Pearl Jam

Twist & Shout – The Isley Brothers

You Can’t Count On Me – Counting Crows

They’re Red Hot – Red Hot Chili Peppers

You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban

Most of these songs I got from my own iTunes library. I think I can create a Vasectomy’s Greatest Hits CD and sell it to the Vasectomy Docs. I’d make a killing! I know there are a ton of other good songs to add to this list, so share ‘em in the comments. Also, got any good vasectomy stories? Let’s talk appendages, shall we?

Here’s one song I thought of that men might like to hear during a vasectomy, and by the looks of the video, men might enjoy watching all the hot chicks, so boys, all three of you reading Manic Mommy, this one’s for you!



And in ever Manic fashion, I just have to leave you with my usual, and pun-intended ...

Peace UP!

47 comments:

Andie said...

I think you should totally create the vasectomy mix and give it away on your blog. LOL

You crack me up. Great job perking me up on a monday! :)

Steph said...

Your right you could total make out on the V CD!

Melissa said...

LOL! I'm with Andie, could you imagine passing that CD out? Hey, where is your self promotion in this post? ;)

My Semblance of Sanity said...

Oh boy do I have a story for you - it'll be a long one - so long that I am thinking I should use it as a post on my own blog ! HAHA

Anyway, a couple years ago my hubby's co-workers (about 6 of them) decided they were all ready for the big SNIP SNIP but the insurance the company had at the time didn't cover it. Always out for a deal, the head V-searcher decided to make a few calls to see if he could get a GROUP RATE! (I kid you not!)

His speech went something like this - "I have 6 guys who need your services. We would like a group discount as you would only need one consultation appt, one (albeit extra long) SNIP appt, and one follow-up appt. It would work to your benefit as we would increase your income each day that we all head in for one appt!"

Most receptionists hung up before his shpeel was through but one receptionist giggled and put him through to the doctor himself. The doctor had a similar sense of humor and said, "HECK YEAH!" just for the bragging rights to this story at the next Vasectomy Conference.

So, they all made it to their consultation and followd through to the SNIP SNIP PARTY. The gang-leader went first and as he sat in the waiting room waiting for the others to be done he asked the receptionist for a sheet of letterhead. She giggled again and handed one over.

In his time with his ice-pack, he crafted a letter that he wanted his wife to see. His letter was written as though the doctor himself had written it and was detailed instructions of the wives' "Therapeutic Obligations" over the next 6 weeks to ensure that that "little buggers" were GONE!

The doctor signed the paper, the receptionist made 6 copies and the limping 6 went back to work (yes, they carpooled over a lunch break).

6 weeks later (and at lunch time) they all showed up with their cups and noticed the original letterhead framed and hanging in the office.

I kid you not! This is a true story!

(Now, hopefully blogger lets me post this - b/c it ATE the last comment so this is the 2nd time I am typing it!!!) :)

Manic Mom said...

I am considering a CD for possible giveaway... depends on how much interest there is.

Semblance--that story CRACKS ME UP!
I am dying to know what the Therapeutic Obligations were. I want to see a copy of that letter. I also don't understand how those guys could have gone back to work!?!?!

SPeaking of the no insurance thing, my one girlfriend investigated the insurance thing and after she discovered it would be cheaper for HER TO GET A TUBAL rather than her husband to get the V, she said, Screw it! She got a TUBAL, and instead of her husband getting to lie on the couch for the whole freaking weekend, SHE STAYED ON THE COUCH FOR THE WEEKEND WHILE HE TOOK CARE OF THE KIDS! I love THAT story!

Jeff said...

Why thank you for asking. Here's mine.
I gotta tell ya, it's a real cut up.

SWIZZLE STICK said...

Two more songs:

Ball Breaker - AC/DC
and
Big Balls - AC/DC

I think AC/DC has ball issues...

Great post!

Michelle said...

Or you could go the M route -- a friend of mine getting married next month has the M block.

I Touch Myself -- DeVinyls
Turning Japanese -- who knows; I'm bad with music
And there are two others that I forget, but I'll have to ask her.

So if Mister Manic isn't ready for the big V, does that mean that there are more children in your future? My husband hasn't had his either, but ... we don't know why :)

Cecily R said...

THAT is the best getting them snipped song list I have ever seen.

Okay, it's the only getting them snipped song list I've ever seen, but it's still all kinds of fabulous. You should most certainly make a CD and market it to docs!!

Angela Williams Duea said...

Yeah, I'll buy your V-mix! I keep discussing it with the Big Guy and he keeps coming up with excuses. Maybe he needs some music to get him in the right frame of mind.

Really? The little boys start smoking during the procedure? Wow!!

Semblance, I am DYING laughing. I can hardly believe it!

Anonymous said...

I was there.

I smelled the smoke.

Experienced the days-long continuous kick in the nuts that was recovery.

Saw the--OK, picture a blue-black Windy City softball. I think you know where I'm going with this.

And oh by the way guys, occasional testicular pain is a common permanent side effect. Funny, I must have missed that in the brochure.

My conclusion: Children are underrated! Somebody's gotta be around to pay into Social Security when we're all old!

Jenster said...

Smoke from the general V-cinity? No way!! Wish I would have known that 13 years ago because I would have loved to see it.

My now-hollow husband had to keep going back with his little sample because he always had motile sperm. If that doesn't swell a guys head (Get it?!?! "Swell"!! Bwahahahaha!!!!) nothing will.

Of course it was my fault his pipes weren't cleaned well. What's up with that?? (Get it!?!? "What's up!!! Bwahahahaha!!!) It's not like I've got "Draino" written on my head. He could have cleaned his own pipes. Know what I'm sayin'??

Jeff said...

jenster - The phrase my wife and I used was "empty the tank." And you know, you're supposed to empty it like 40 times before you can go commando. Hell, if I hadn't cleaned my own pipes that would have been like 2 years for us.

HRH said...

Go for it...gently? Definitely take the video camera to capture the smoke. You can just fuzz up the picture over the important parts like they do on Baby Story.

March to the Sea said...

this post made my crotch hurt..and not in a good way like it usually does..

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I had to go there..hahaha

Well done on the song list btw.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

My dear one had a vasectomy 11 years ago... I begged to come in but NO they wont allow it... I made them swear in blood that they would not miss one little snippit :-) he did fantastically (the valium worked so well he did not recall going out to eat on the way home )
love the laughs today!

My boys are Army Brats said...

Too funny!

My husband was a big ole baby when he had his vasectomy. But my littlest son was 5 months old and I had miserable pregancies so when I said "I think you should get a vasectomy." He came home the next day with an appointment! I guess he agreed.

He said they pulled his boys through a cut out in the little cover. OH and he had to shave his stuff that was hilarious! He said the dr and male nurse who knew us all to well talked about hunting and fishing the whole time while his boys were laid out for the doctor.

I woke up at the end of one of my surgeries that they had given me a spinal block and a light sedative that wore off too soon and I saw these legs and the drs were talking about Pink Floyd, a little inappropriate to talk about while my stuff is on display don't you think?

We used frozen peas for his ice packs and then the sicko kept inviting his friends over for dinner and told them that we'd be eating peas......ewww.... no one took him up on the offer!!

The worst thing about it for him was that he went through that and then a year and a half later I had to have a hysterectomy! (I totally just typed vasectomy, like I grew boys over night or something!)

Thanks for the private talk.

Michelle

Manic Mom said...

Michelle--SHE BOP by Cydni Lauper! Or is it Cindy ... nah, I think she spells it funky!

B. said...

I noticed a shout-out to Michael Johns on there! What a great idea for a cd. Would there be one for women getting their tubes tied?

Manic Mom said...

JENSTER--I wish you could have heard how loud I laughed with the IF THAT DOESN'T SWELL A GUY'S HEAD COMMENT! and the drano!!! Come on, you need a stand-up gig girlfriend!!!!

Manic Mom said...

I love that idea--The Vasectomy Story--I'm calling TLC right now!!! Bwhahaahhaahah! I bet a million women would tune into that show!

Manic Mom said...

March--you bring another song to mind--

JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP'S

HURT SO GOOD!

Kate said...

I think that I may have hurt myself laughing so hard! Pun intended.

When the times comes, I want to see the smoke! "Fire! Fire! Heh! Heh!" (Beavis & Butthead)

Greta said...

If his doc has a sense of humor (and I really think you want your urologist to have a sense of humor), he'll get a road runner bandaid, like mine did.

Sue said...

So frickin' funny! You should so market the CD. How about
Only the Good Die Young, Billy Joel

Stephanie said...

So wrong yet so HILARIOUS!

Michelle said...

Wow, Manic, you're good! She-Bop is another of the songs in the block. I of course had to call her to find out what all the songs were... because I'm a dork like that. And of course she wasn't home, so I don't know what the fourth and final song was! I know I'm going to wake up at 3am shouting it to no avail....

Manic Mom said...

WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU I TOUCH MYSELF!!!!

It just CAME to me.

Swishy said...

A MURDER OF ONE! HA HA HA HA HA.

OK, so this one guy I work with got a vasectomy and it went HORRIBLY wrong. Well, not that horribly, it still works and everything, but I guess it hurt, so he came back and told all the guys in the office and now none of them will get one. HA.

(So is there REALLY smoke???)

Michelle said...

Really, Manic, use some self-control. You're making me blush! But sadly, I know that isn't the fourth song. This is really, really going to drive me nuts!

Manic Mom said...

OK, Swish and Michelle, it's 10:58 pm. The first official day of Spring Break. I haven't brushed my hair or teeth today. Or peed I don't think. Really I don't think I peed today!

But I read Swishy's comment and I think she says Smoke, so then I think of the song, Smoke on the water, but I change it to "Smoke on the wingus" (that's a Manic family term for the penis and I cannot even tell you how to pronounce it cuz you'll all mispronounce it--it does not rhyme with ANYTHING)...

And then Michelle, with the DRIVING ME NUTS comment.

I need a life. Yes, I do.

Someone. Please. Give me a life.

Yes. I think in my next life, I am going to become a vasectomy doctor! HOW FUN!

Jess Riley said...

you know, you never fail to crack me up.

Has anyone mentioned "Balls to the Wall?"

Barrie said...

You know, you can create your own label for your V CD. That could be very, very interesting.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully this won't post twice...first time didn't seem to take. Anyway, how about Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood? And by the way, I clicked on the link in Jeff's first comment and his blog led to another blog and the story had me rolling!! In case you didn't get there: http://mitchmcdad.com/2006/11/02/snip-tuck/
Enjoy!!

Shelley (SPepper22)

Kim Stagliano said...

Don't forget that Dazz Band fav from the 80's. "Snip it!"

Let's snip it baby
Let's snip it right
Let's snip it baby
Do it all right

Let it snip!
Let it snip!

There's no tiiime
There is no time to loooooseeeee

Oooh weeee hooooo!

Hit me With your Best Shot?
It's my Pee Pee and I'll Snip if I want To
How much is that Gelding in the Window?


Good luck Mr. Manic!

Robin said...

Semblance - They had to be engineers right?

Manic - How about "Piss on the Wall" by J. Geils Band, It starts, "Ball, Ball, B-Ball"

Once at womens circle, a lady who used to be a nurse assisting vasectomies told us all the gory details. Then she told us the truly horror story of how sometimes the boys are able to find a different path to the exit once their original path is cut and burned, if you know what I mean. GASP!!!!

Robin said...

Wait something just popped up (heh heh)

The First Cut is the Deepest Sheryl Crow

It cut Like a Knife (but it feels so right) Bryan Adams

Colleen said...

Freakin' hilarious!

I don't have a song suggestion (but LOVE that you put up a GEORGE MICHAEL song - it just SCREAMS of anti-maleness) but wanted to say that while you're in there with Mr. Manic, holding his hand, make sure you tell him to breathe. You'll know from experience when to duck.

Mabunny said...

OMG, I was reading your post while eating breakfast and when I got to the list of songs I dang near choked on my sandwich!!!
Hubby says he would get a V, but so far hasn't. He's been through so much surgery with his back and such that he isn't in the mood to have elective surgery. I refuse the tubal, so its totally UP to him.

Semblance that story also cracked me up and I would be very interested in seeing that tip sheet, lol.

How about adding Pearl Necklace by ZZ Top??

Mabunny said...

Oh yeah, how about
Slow and Easy by Whitesnake??

Take My Life... said...

Hey, there Manic Mommy!!
Heard if I needed a good laugh (God knows I need just that!)this would be a good place and guess what , they were right!!!

Love
Mimi

Bina said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this post.

Okay, I clean out my drains, (LOL) especially the bath tub. I unscrew (LOL) that sucker (LOL) and pull all that crap outta there, and I must admit, there are times I want to puke !

I can't believe how well all those songs relate to the big V.

Okay, my husband (before we were married) went to get his done. He said he is laying there, they gave him the shots to kill the pain. He told the doctor he could feel him down there but the doctor said, "Oh it's normal to feel some tugging". So, he starts cutting. My husband screamed like a small child, lifted up off the table, didn't know they strapped Johnson to his shirt, he pulled that sucker lose, screamed some more, and I guess the whole place went freaking nuts. They were trying to hold him down, hurry up and give him more shots while he is wriggling in agony, and then he passed out from the pain.

Talk about a V job going bad! He still hates to talk about it.

Angela said...

I'm dying here!! ROFL This blog is going to get me fired for sure! The funniest thing is my pissy co-worker just had this done!! I need a copy of the CD ASAP!! I'll drop it on my computer and let it keep looping all day!

Karen Deborah said...

OMG that was so funny, my teenage was aksing me "what's so funny"? but I couldn't tell her.
your a hoot!

Michelle said...

Yay -- I found out the last song ... and it wasn't at 3am. I was peacefully sleeping then, thank God!

Safety Dance!

Jenster said...

Pfft!! My stand up gig would be about three minutes long. And it would all deal with Todd's parts and mine as well. Everything funny in my life has to do with my boobs, my hoo-hoo and Todd's manly pieces.

We have a friend who's husband had the big V and his sperm count went down very little. Turned out he had THREE vasdeferins (or whatever they're called) instead of the normal two. He will forever have arrogance issues.

And here's what I think is a hysterical story. Other friends of ours - two kids, decided to have a vascectomy. There were three main hospitals in Little Rock. St. Vincent's (Catholic), Baptist (um, yeah. Baptist), and Doctor's (secular?? Iguess). He was scheduled at Doctor's and somewhere between scheduling and the actual procedure, St. Vincent's bought Doctor's and their new policy prevented vascectomies because it's a form of birth control. So he had to find a new doctor in the Baptist system, set up an appointment and SHE ENDED UP PREGNANT!! HAHAHAHAHAA!!!! I laughed so hard!! Remarkably, she still thought of me as her friend.

Swistle said...

HA! I love this. The mix, of course, but also your list of questions. But---you did not post ANSWERS. I need to know about color, cup, etc.!