iT'S oFFiCiaL: i BRiBe My KiDS

So you know how I've mentioned probably just about a bazillion times on this blog how Diva does not eat food. Well, she does, it's just limited. Let's see, here's her menu:

pancakes but with NO butter or syrup. Just a few chocolate chips.

waffles.

cereal, but mostly chocolately kind. Or frosted flakes.

bread. All types, but mostly soft.

Peanut butter.

Carrots.

Apples, no skin.

French Fries.

Chocolate shakes, ice cream.

Goldfish, chips, snacks, crap, chocolate poptarts, crackers, crap, popcorn, candy, M&Ms, crap.

Carnation Instant Breakfast milk.

So really, that's about it. Occasionally she will eat some spinach leaves if the moon is alligned with the sun and it's snowing outside during the month of May, but other than that, that's her whole there menu!

Today, we were at McDonald's, (and SIDENOTE: maybe THAT's why stomach hurts--I had a carmel + hot fudge sundae ... or it could be the antibiotics and steroids I'm on for my BLEEDING, INFECTED EAR!?) ... anyway, at McDonald's, I said to her I would give her $10 if she ate a part of a hamburger.

We bartered for a while. It was decided (DON'T YELL AT ME IN THE COMMENTS FOR THIS PLEASE!) that if she ate 'some' hamburger, I would give her, ahem ... how do you make words really tiny here ... twenty dollars.

I KNOW!

You don't have to yell at me!

I know it all! I do! I do!

So, back to the story. I get the burger. I take out the prize money. We cut the burger.

In half.

Then in quarters.

Then she takes her quarter of her hamburger and cuts that in half so she has an eighth of a McDonald's 85-cent burger.

She picks at it a bit. Puts some ketchup on it.

Asks for salt.

I go up to the counter and while I'm there she yells over to me:

"I'm chewing some!"

And she's smiling.

"I guess I just didn't want to do it in front of you!" she said.

She chewed it and swallowed it!

Then to make her feel less alone, I took a bite of the other part and chewed and swallowed some too!

We were partners on a journey together! I was so excited. She was tasting a form of meat! I think.

Then she took another bite, and when I say bite, please understand that her eighth of a burger and these bite sizes -- it would have taken her like six bites to finish.

"I think it's just that I'm afraid to try them and worried about how it will feel not how it will taste," she said.

I've always thought that about her -- that she's got some sensory disorders that makes it uncomfortable for her to have certain textures in her mouth.

Then she took a third bite and I think her mind started working overtime then, and she gagged.

I knew it was going to happen.

Fortunately, she spit out what little she had in her mouth, and her previously eaten sundae, french fries, and drink did not come spewing out of her mouth.

She did pocket the money though.

Hey, a bet is a bet is a bet.

And yes, that is just one time I've bribed my children.

I bribed Tukey with cash last Sunday when I wanted to yank his tooth out because he was driving me crazy. You can read that story over here at Betty:
The Tooth: I lost it because he wasn't losing it!

Do you bribe your kids? Do you think I'm horrible for doing so? I mean yeah, I know $20 is off-the-wall just down-and-out STUPID of me, but a little bit of money as INCENTIVE isn't all that bad, is it?

BiRTHDaYS, HiGH SCHooL MuSiCaL III, uRGeNT CaRe, SPoRTS, GRaNDPaReNTS aND BLue MaN GRouP

Whew. What a weekend. I’m coming off of being pretty sick, first with that migraine earlier in the week, then I got Gosh knows what that led me to urgent care on Saturday and three prescriptions, a retracted ear drum, which actually bled through the middle of the night. I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow because I feel like I’m living in a half-tunnel right now.

But, I can’t let a little pain and suffering stop me from the weekend because today marks the anniversary of one of the best days of my life, and that is the day I was given the best gift in my life, and that is the gift of Motherhood.

Today is my firstborn’s birthday.

Ajers is 11. Wow. Eleven years, one hour and 37 minutes ago as I type these words, he was pulled from my cesarean cut and it was announced that I had a boy. And that’s when I felt like my work here on earth was done. Either that, or my anesthesia medication was wearing off because I felt like I was going to stop breathing and die at that moment. Then, they konked me out.

So anyway. You can tell I’m not right with the words and that is probably because there’s that incessant ringing in my left ear from the who knows what is going on in there. We had all sorts of grandparents here this weekend and Friday night we saw High School Musical III.

It is so wrong to have such inappropriate lustful thoughts about Zac Effron, isn’t it? And why do I think he is so hot? I don’t know, but he is. And the movie was as formulaic as the other two, as thought-out and crafted exactly as the other two were, with exactly the same amount of slow tunes vs. dance tunes, vs. a Ryan and Sharpay tune but I loved every minute of it. And I got the goosebumps, and I cheered and I even cried a little bit and Diva looked up at me and said, “You’re not crying are you? Don’t cry!” She hates when I cry at the kiddie movies.

We’re going to see it again next weekend!

Then Saturday, whatever I had was escalating, but gee, we had three children’s sporting events and we had to ‘represent!’ I took Tukey, and the grandparents and Mr. Manic took Diva and Ajers to their games. Tukey’s soccer was a playoff game. Their team is really, really, REALLY good. In kindergarten, the first year these little tykes every played, they made it all the way to the playoff game where these little five-year-olds who knew nothing of the sport played on a college field for the championship! They had no clue what they were doing but they made it to the playoffs at age 5!

Now they know what they’re doing, and for this game on Saturday, to move up to the next playoff game, all they had to do was tie the team they were playing. That means they had to make sure the other team did not score.

The coach put Tukey in as goalie. No drama here. Tukey let one through. It crushed me to watch him react as he realized it happened, that the other team scored on him. I watched his body language from the hill where I sat. I could tell he was crying. He kicked his foot in fury. He wiped at his eyes. He was devastated. So was I.



The end score was them ONE, us ZERO. We were knocked out of the playoffs.

After the game, Tukey told me, “It was all my fault.” Ugh. I explained to him that it was not his fault. But still. That kind of thing just sucks.

On a good note, Diva’s team, who has never won a game EVER in two seasons finally WON their last game! Of which I was not in attendance because I was at Tukey’s game. She was so happy though, to finally get to experience a win. She still does not want to play soccer ever again. We’ll see what happens when her coach comes calling in the spring!

Then after the games, I took myself to Immediate Care which is a big joke cuz Immediate Care is more like “2-3 Hour Care!” And yes, I waited in one room while I heard the doctor in another room giving a high school kid his sports physical at IMMEDIATE CARE! “Now cough please!” THAT’S IMMEDIATE? THAT’S URGENT? YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR ON SATURDAY FOR THAT?

I finally got myself some antibiotics, then took myself home, got into bed and cried in pain because of my ear and all this other crap that’s going on in my head. I needed to be well for today, for Ajer’s birthday because we had big plans. We had Blue Man Group plans!

We took the kids and my parents to Blue Man Group and had a blast. Mr. and I had seen the show in Vegas when I was preggo with Tukey like 8 years ago so we knew what to expect, but it was still loads of fun, and even more fun was experiencing it with our kids. So much fun! We were in the fifth row, which is the “Poncho” section! Ajers had an old Halloween mask from last year he brought with and here are some pics. We also got some pics with the Blue Men at the end.
















Nana and Ajers getting BLUE:


Then we went out to dinner where Ajers got to order whatever he wanted and the dude opted for filet mignon, baked potato and a root beer float. Like immediately after, he got this strange look on his face like he wasn’t feeling too hot and now he’s thinking he’s not doing too good. When we got home he took a hot shower, then kind of moaned, “OH NO!” When I asked him what was the matter, he said, “I have rock climbing at school tomorrow—I don’t want to miss that if I don’t feel good!”

So, busy weekend, filled with a little bit o’ this and a little bit o’ that. Hope you all had a good one! And Happy Happy Birthday to my darling Ajers, who is 11 years old, and if I may just brag a bit, he did receive a citizenship award at school for being an all-around great kid! I’m so proud he’s mine!
Oh, and PS--I'm such a classy mom I didn't even have candles around for Ajers so we had to improvise--if you look closely you'll see there's a 2 and a 5 and then one extra candle on his cake. That means 2 x 5 = 10 + 1 = 11!!! See, I can do me some math!

i FoRGoT To TeLL you aBouT THiS PaRTy

There were some real lively guests there!















Be prepared for the screams. I don't know who was more afraid--the snakes or the kids?




Check out how large this snake was!





She's so pretty, isn't she?



Cold Blooded Creatures by Jim Nesci! Thanks Jim! We had a slithering snakin' great time! And Happy Birthday Kevvie!

Pain.

Headache.

That is all.

So go on over to BettyConfidential.com and read something fun there!

Owwie. My poor headie hurts.

Oh, and I joined Facehell. I mean Facebook. Go find me. I want some friends.

iS iT WRoNG?

Is it wrong?

That on Thursday I sent the kids to the bus and went back to bed …

And slept until 1 p.m.?

Is it wrong?

That I then got up and went about my day as if it was the most normal thing in the world to wake up at 1 p.m. as if that’s the time I usually start my day?

Is it wrong?

That I served my family pancakes, leftover mac-n-cheese, pizza and pasta for dinner last night?

Is it wrong?

That this morning I woke the kids up and said:

“It’s Friday, who wants ice cream for breakfast?!” and then actually served them ice cream for breakfast.

Peppermint and Oreo flavored.

Is it wrong?

That when my friend Emacy and I went to donate blood we were both denied because of low iron but I still took my cookies and Diet Coke anyway.

Is it wrong?

That instead of being able to donate blood we went to the grocery store where I bought these items:

Two gallons of two percent milk,

a Venus fly trap,

a bottle of vanilla Smirnoff vodka,

and a bottle of this stuff cuz it was on sale and it looked good.
And I plan on drinking it over ice tonight.

Is it wrong?

That I bought nothing healthy for my family to eat?

Is it wrong?

That I was secretly glad to be rejected from giving blood because that meant we had time to get a pedicure?

Is it wrong?

That I was also secretly glad to be rejected from giving blood because that also means I have a good excuse to get me a big old steak or a burger in order to get my iron up!

Is it wrong?

That three of us had lunch and laughed and relaxed and enjoyed each others' company and didn't talk too much about being moms and our kids and stuff like that. Even though we all adore our kids and could never imagine not being moms.

Is it wrong?

That I did nothing but everything for myself today and felt not one ounce of guilt by doing it?

Is it wrong?

That Mr. Manic got home from work early?

Is it wrong?

That he just poured me a glass of that new drink on ice?

Is it wrong?

That he is taking the kids over to a birthday party?

And is it wrong that he is coming back home and we may just go upstairs and do a puzzle for about an hour or so?

Yep, it's definitely WRONG! But oh, so very right!

When's the last time you did everything for yourself without guilt? Is it time for YOU?

I Thought He Knew What It Involved.

At dinner tonight there was some discussion that was not meant to be heard by littler ears so when we got home, I took Ajers aside and we continued the conversation, which had started out with:

How does the egg get fertilized?

You really want to know?

Yeah, I guess I have to know, it’s a fact of life, right?

Well, it’s kind of like a puzzle.

A puzzle?

Yeah, a puzzle.

Perplexed look.

I thought you knew.

Shrug. Grin. Maybe an embarrassed I-think-I-know-but-maybe-not grin.

Well, how do you think it happens?

I know you got naked and got into bed and well, that’s all I knew.

Well, it’s kind of like a puzzle. You know the girl parts and the boy parts?

Yeah.

Strange look.

Well, they have to fit together.

Strange look. Then slow lightbulb. Then:

Like how?

You know, like a puzzle. They have to fit together.

Then really big lightbulb: You mean you put the thing in the thing?

Uh-huh.

Ugh! Uh, NO! That's disgusting! ... Like does dad leave it in there for like an hour?

Not that long.

How do you stand it?

Well, it's not that bad. It’s kind of like a hug, and we love each other, and we’re married.

Let’s not talk about this again like forever!

OK.

OK.

You Tell Me What Happened!

Tell me the story of the Swishy/Manic evening and I'll give a prize (treats, gift card, CD--you can choose the music from my iTunes library!, and some other fun stuff probably) to the most hilariously accurately outrageously funniest entry! Here are photos in sequential order of our evening! Go to it, get creative, but keep in mind how we roll! ; )

The Last Swishy-Manic Hurrah THIS WEEKEND!

I met Swishy via a blind blogger date back THREE years ago when we went to see Jennifer Weiner at a book signing. And yep, it was true BBFF (Best Blogger Friend Forever!) status at like the very first sight!

She currently lives a lengthy car drive away from me. Now, technically, she is moving closer to me (if she flies to my house instead of drives to my house!

: (

This is making me sad, but with the advent of the internet and Instant Messaging and email, I know our friendship will continue as it has been for the past three years.

I just did a search in my Blogger Dashboard for SWISHY. I have written about her 48 times in three years! (49 if you count the one time I inadvertently used her REAL NAME!) What does that average out to? You know I suck at math. Anyone got a calculator?

We have had some wild fun times together. Here are a few of my faves:

Emily Giffin Love

The toilet incident

Getting Swishy's Ears Peirced



The Spry, Drink-Till-You-Want-Me Night

A Fabulous Author Night

Chicago's Printer's Row Part I

The Nightmare Continues - Part II Chicago's Printer's Row Weekend

Love you Swishy! Get here safely in that brand new car of yours so we can go to the city and hang out, and do what we do best -- You know I'm your "wing man!"

Three FOUR Things to Share:

1.

So, Ajers is studying the constitution in fifth grade and he had to do some speech in class on a historical figure. He chose to be Benjamin Franklin. He got a wig and some funky glasses for his speech. When we were talking about it later in the day ... well, let me just set up the conversation for you:

ME: So, how'd your speech go on the constitution?

HIM: Good.

ME: What did all the girls dress as, Betsy Ross?

HIM: HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?!?!!?

OK, the kid was absolutely STUNNED that I knew a person from the constitution time. And actually, I was secretly happy with myself that I guessed right!

She made flags, didn't she? And didn't she have an affair with George Washington? Or was that Clinton?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

2.

Tukey got his MRI for his knee today. He did great, and we find out results on Friday. I'm hoping it's just something to do with growth plates and it's just because he's growning too fast.

I took him to McDonald's for breakfast and when I ordered for him, I said, "Can I have a vanilla milk?"

"Vanilla milk?"

OK do ANY OF YOU call it vanilla milk or is it JUST ME?

I ALWAYS CALL IT VANILLA MILK.

It's OK to call it chocolate milk but we can't call it VANILLA milk? This is a racist thing to me. Like what if I said, "OK, I'll have a black milk."

White milk? Chocolate milk? Black milk? Vanilla milk?

See. SEE?!?!?!?! (I'm currently screaming at my computer as I type these words, trying to make my point.) I don't know why.

But really, come on. What if I were to ask for a black milk?

COME ON!

Please discuss in the comments.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And finally, number 3:

Here's a rap song I just made up in my head.

I'm a hamster on a wheel

and I just can't get off.

Go ahead and scream,

go ahead and loff!

Ya think it's funny,

you think it's a hoot!

Come on over here and

I give you da boot!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

4.

OH! And click here to enter to win ALLISON WINN SCOTCH'S NEW BOOK!

Where To Start?

So, I was thinking how boring this blog has been lately because there's really not a ton going on and I've been super crabby and I'm thinking of just doing a free-form type blog post and see what comes out and I'm telling you I need a shower so badly it's not even funny. I can't even tell you. Last week sucked the big one. Tukey had Hand, Foot, Mouth virus and was off school from Tuesday to Friday. Diva came home from school on Friday. Ajers puked and had the you-know-what's at 4 a.m. Saturday. And then just when Tukey gets over the virus, he does something funky to his knee (and this same thing happened to him in July when I took him to the ER and he couldn't put any weight on his knee) ... so I took him back to the doc, and this time it's HIS OTHER FREAKING KNEE and the little guy has CRUTCHES! And he's getting an MRI on Wednesday. So that's pretty fun. Not the MRI, but he likes the crutches.

So yeah, whatever. And there's so much work-work to be done and I'm a freaking sinking ship there, not really, in case any of my editors are reading, I'M FINE, REALLY GREAT, NOT PULLING MY HAIR OUT OR ANYTHING!, I'll get through it, but man, it's hard when there's a sick kid and then all this other stuff.

So see, this is what happens when I free-write and I tell you I could just go on and on and bitch and make your ear bleed, but how much fun would that be? Not fun. Boring. So I won't. Cuz then you'll stop reading. And I don't want you to stop reading. Cuz you guys are what keep me blogging. Seriously! I got the SWEETEST notes in the real-live mailbox from Dawn and Kirsten the other day and those made my week! Dawn, I owe you a CD and will deliver it soon, I promise!

I also promise I need to do another fun contest on Manic soon.

But in the meantime, head over to my other place on the Web, come on! Don't tell me you don't know where I've been! Yep, over at BettyConfidential.com because Allison Winn Scotch is over there giving away a copy of her NEW BOOK, Time of My Life, and it's a great read! Check out the contest/interview here!

And, I need to gear up for the second annual Manic Mommy Bloggy Blood Drive that'll be hitting the blog in January, so get those veins ready -- bigger prizes this year!

This weekend, I will have a chance to regroup and gain some perspective because I will quite possibly be spending my time in the fine company of any or all of the following:

a. Swishy
b. Jess Riley
c. Jen Lancaster
d Stacey Ballis
e. Appletini
f. Dane Cook
g. All of the above?

PS. Just threw in F to see who's all paying attention. I could really go for a combo E and F right about now! hahahah.

You decide.

PS. I need a life coach.

And a shower.

Desperately.

Win Driving Sideways!

HURRY! It's the last day to enter to win Jess Riley's debut Driving Sideways.