Sunday, July 18, 2010


This post is not for the family members that want to hear about our sex life. So click to another page now.

Or not.

Yeah, I figured you'd still be here.

Thanks for that. Your call if you wanna keep reading.

But don't you DARE pretend that you didn't read this.

Anyway, the past six weeks have been, obviously, a very trying time in our lives. Between packing up a house, and moving I don't know how many miles away from home to a whole new culture-shock place, filled with cacti, and snakes, and desert, and hot, and changes beyond belief, well you can imagine how it puts a riff in your life. Add to that, children who need your attention adjusting to the new ways of living, a husband who is traveling to one country and two other states in a matter of four days just last week (to give you a snapshot of his schedule), and well, there's not much time for each other.

You see where I'm going with this right?

Let me add to it further.

Our master bedroom is now on the main floor right off the garage and the main powder room, really right in the flow of traffic, off the kitchen and family room. There are french doors that lead to the patio and swimming pool. Two entrances to our bedroom. There is also NO door into our bathroom area. Our closet door is sliding mirrored doors. In our old house, we had an upstairs bedroom off the main part of the house. We had a door to our bathroom. We had a door to our closet, where we could often go to "fix a shelf."

We had PLENTY of privacy.

Here. Not so much.

So put ALL those factors into your black magic hat and the "don't come-a-knockin'-cuz-the-bedroom-is-a-rockin" rule has not been applied much.

Except twice.

And twice it has been a MAJOR FAIL.

The first time all three kids went to the neighbors to swim. We ran into the bedroom like teenagers whose parents had gone away for the weekend. And without going into too much detail, our bedframe busted just as someone else was busting.

The whole king-size bed collapsed.

I told HIM to make SURE the movers put that crap-ass frame together PROPERLY.

The next incident happened today.

The kids were all outside in the pool. They had JUST gone out there. I figured we had at least the required 2 minutes it would take, right?


"Hurry, hurry, hurry." I pled, in what I thought was a seductive, yet not unhurried voice.

And then, we heard the door handle turn.


Then, there was a knock.

It was Diva: "Why is the door locked?"

I seriously almost answered, "BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING SEX!!!!!"

Instead I said, "I'm getting in the shower!" and I jumped up and got in the shower and left Mr. Manic to deal with it. HAHAHAH!

Her eyes were stinging so she came in and I had gotten into the shower and I told her to rinse her eyes out. If the door wasn't locked and she would have seen what was going on, her eyes wouldn't have just been stinging, her retinas would have burned and she would have gone blind!

Later, she came to me and asked me, "What were you and Daddy doing?"

I said, "What did Daddy say we were doing?"

"He said you were mushy kissing."

(That's our family code for making out or whatever the kids think it is and she HATES that!)

I said we were and she got mad about that.

I told her, "We were hugging and kissing and we wanted privacy and we were NOT making babies (that WAS true!), if that's what you were thinking we were doing. We love each other, and you should be happy that we love each other so much because so many parents are divorced and we're not."

I explained to her that we haven't been on a date since we moved here and it's been difficult for us and that mommies and daddies need time alone too, and she should really be glad that we want to be together, and it's OK for us to want to hug and kiss each other.

And I also told her that Daddy better have enjoyed all that mushy kissing because it's the last time he's ever getting sex IN THIS HOUSE because it's just too traumatic for me and he's gonna have to start forking over the money for a resort from now on because I can't take the stress of all this anymore!

The End!


Melisa Wells said...

OMG, you are hilarious.

Kate said...

I heart you, Manic! Thanks for sharing this experience. I can understand why you're traumatized.

Anonymous said...

I did not read this, I did not read this, I did not read this...

-Class Pres KT

Shana said...

We have been settled into our new (downsized) home for six weeks now. And have learned that (a) the master bedroom door has no lock (wtf?) and (b) 1,100 square feet is a pretty eff'ing COZY space to share with a child and (c) if I can hear my daughter talking to herself in her bedroom, I am pretty sure she can hear whatever is going on in mine.

So yeah, I am liking your resort idea. And feeling your pain. Oy.

Anonymous said...

So! you think you have "issues"? My spouse and I have to fit in our "special time" when our kids are not visiting or we don't have company!! It's still great and fun!

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Yet another reason I'm glad my kids aren't little anymore! Hey, you got to get it when you can. That applies to oh, so many things in life, but especially "mushy kissing!"

A New Way of Living said...

A great way to pretend with the children,That you are doing the MUsky kisses, when you were alone inside the Room.Hhahahahahha

Barb said...

All I can say is "thank goodness for locking doors" when mommy and daddy need to have "a talk!"

March2theSea said...

nice..i still enjoy kissing my wife an the kids always say "ewww" but I say the same thing you seem to do. Much like "you will look back at this when you are older and be thankful we are/were/did kiss".

Making It Work Mom said...

Hilarious! This is my worst nightmare. We did once get a phone call from my daughter who was spending the night at a friend's house. She kept on calling so it really killed the mood. She just wanted to know what we were doing!!!! As my child get older (10,8,4) I know that we are absolutely in the danger zone of getting caught! You dodged a bullet this time! Good luck in the future

Samantha said...

Hysterical.. we should trade babysitting services!!! Co-Op that benefits ALL...

Janice said...

This post made me laugh so hard I snorted like a pig! Picturing that bed frame busting...oh the visual is so funny!!!!

Unknown said...

Too funny!!! I love your blog!

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