LiFe BeGiNS

Real quick notes (OK, not real quick) on Ajers sex talk for the fifth grade cuz I promised. And yeah, we sat in the back, the last row, and yeah, I actually brought a pad of paper and took notes. It was one of those times I really wish I could have live-blogged it.

On the way there, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to discuss before we got there, and he said he pretty much thought he knew everything. I kind of threw it out there that "you know, when a man and a woman have sex, it kind of has to get hard first."

"You mean like a boner."

Yeah.

Then he told me he knew when Dad and I had sex because he figured it out from when Tukey was born. His birthday is in September so he counted backward nine months. OK, and I am so slow right now in my mind, I can't even figure that out here. Hold on... OK, December. So yeah. Ha, that's funny. So I'm guessing now that Ajers thinks the LAST TIME Mr. Manic and I had sex was DECEMBER! And I JUST THIS SECOND realized this. I should have asked him that in the car. I'm so dumb.

Then he thought about his little cousin Gavvy Gavvy (not his real name, of course), whose birthday is November, and he just turned one. He thought back nine months and said, "Hmmmm, that was in February."

"Yep." I said. And I waited for it. And it didn't take long.

"Hey, we were in Cabo with them in February."

"Yep."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THEY DID IT WHEN WE WERE IN CABO!"

So then I had to call my brother and tell him how funny it is that my son figured out that he and his wife were trying to procreate while we were all on vacation, and when my brother answered his phone, and keep in mind, he is the father of a one-year-old and a three-year-old who was used to partying and drinking Red Bull and vodkas and living it up and now he's like a dad and all, so he answers the phone like this:

"Hell on earth."

Hahahahha. I love it that I can finally laugh at my poor brother's life for he laughed at me for so long for having three babies like I was a crazy fool.

Back to Life Begins ...

Ajers and I are in the car joking about how we'll nudge each other every time they say words like, you know, peni$ and that thing they call a woman's part, and then he said, "heh, what if they say 'insert,'" and that made me laugh.

We get there and we take seats in the last row. I'm expecting a cheesy movie with a talking sperm searching for the egg and a bunch of cartoon sperm bumping into each other flying through the fallopian tubes. But instead there's a woman there with a power point program.

Hmmm. Was not expecting that.

Then she asks how everyone is.

Ajers yells out, "I'M PUMPED!"

He is like obnoxious the first five minutes of this program and I want to smack him in the head. Maybe it was reverse psychology or something, like he was purposely trying to act cool because HE was really embarrassed about it, I don't know, but he kind of acted like he was showing off, yelling out loud and being obnoxious. (I don't know where on earth he gets it--probably his father).

He MAKES ME BLUSH! MY KID IS EMBARRASSING ME.

Next she asks about the 10 body systems and kids start shouting them out, and I'm like, hmmm, did not know that! Like circulatory, respiratory, musculatory, urinary, digestive. I mean, if I were given a quiz, I would fail miserably.

She started zooming through to the female parts and here's something I DID NOT KNOW--

The uterus is the strongest muscle in the human body.

Isn't there some urban legend that says the tongue is? Who knew?

Here's something else I did not know --

The largest cell in the human body: the egg cell. Which is the size of a grain of sand.

Smallest cell - the sperm cell, which is 85,000 times smaller than the egg.

WOW.

So then they talk about puberty really quick, I mean she ZIPPED through this stuff, and when she got to the whole pubic hair part, what she said kinda made sense -- it's there to protect the reproductive parts. To keep out germs and stuff. I guess I always knew that, but still. A nice refresher course.

Skip ahead to when she moves to the power-point slide of--

NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS or WET DREAM and Ajers looks at me and goes, "Oh, this."

I nodded at him. "Did I tell you about this already?"

He said yeah.

So she mentions how at puberty semen is made and it gets crowded like if you were to go into a room and it fills up you need to leave the room, which really makes a lot of sense. She explained that at night when the boys are in a deep sleep it will come out and it will not be too much and it will be white and sticky and if it's yellow and smelly it's something else.

This made all the kids laugh. One kid asked what if it happens at a sleepover. Which was a good question. She asked, "What's one thing you DON'T do at a sleepover?" Everyone said, "SLEEP!" So no one is too worried about it happening during a sleepover now.

Ajers raised his hand and I was like, OMG what is he going to ask?

She called on him.

"Does it hurt?"

Oh, my cute baby wants to know if it'll hurt!

She said that when it happens you're in such a deep sleep you won't even feel it. But don't they WANT to feel it?!?!? Don't they feel good? Those are my questions, not my fifth graders, but I didn't ASK them!

THEN, she got to what I was waiting for her to get to, and this is how it went:

"When a man and a woman are ready for a baby, an act of love called sexual intercourse takes place." And yes, I actually wrote that one down so I could get it word for word!

That was it!!!! NOTHING ELSE! That was like the climax without the CLIMAX! Then she spent the next hour showing everyone pictures of a sperm reaching the egg, a one-month old fetus, all the way through to a birth.

B O R I N G ! ! !

Not once did she use the phrase, "The man puts his peni$ into her v@gina."

So after all that, there was a Q&A session, and some kids asked cute things like, "How come we don't remember being in our mom's stomachs?" and "What if the baby doesn't want to come out?"

Then FINALLY some brilliant little boy, who if I knew who he was, I would go up to him and give him a great big hug, asked this pearl of a question:

"How does the man's sperm get to the woman's egg?"

Know what she said?

"Through sexual intercourse."

UGHHGHGHGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a MuLTiTuDe oF MaNiCiSMS

Ajers Braces:

He got ‘em. He loved ‘em. He even got a t-shirt that says: GOT BRACES that he wore to school the very next day. He came home from school and said it was the worst day of school in his life. His FRIENDS, yep, his friends all called him Metal Mouth and made him cry.

My baby.

So yeah, I emailed the teacher, cuz that’s what I do. I contacted the school, which brings me to the next topic …

Unofficial Poll: How many of you would consider going to your children’s elementary school’s Open House without having taken a shower that day? No makeup, no hair done? No shower. Just gross looking. NOT EVEN LIPSTICK.

A few of you maybe? Half a dozen of you? Say maybe you were too busy, or just too tired, or OK, just say it, too damn lazy to take a shower. Who's too lazy to put on a swipe of lipstick? Is not taking a shower and going to your kid's Open House at school that weird? That’s not so out-of-the-ordinary is it?

How ‘bout this?

Another part of the Unofficial Poll:

How many of you would even consider going to your children’s elementary Open House without having put on a bra that day?

Cuz yeah, I went unshowered, no makeup, hair a mess … and Braless.

Call me classy cuz that’s what I is!

Speaking of classy – which I am not (ahem - braless at Open House) but I have to pretend to be for one night soon,

I know you can't tell, but there's a slit in the front and it's floor-length, and low-cut at the neckline. And here is a close-up of the detail

this is the dress I bought for the event being held Valentine’s night that I am attending with the love of my life. Yes, dumbass, it's Mr. Manic. I promise I will tell you the "I’ve-got-awesome-good-karma" dress story very soon because it’s just too awesome of a story to tell ... Oh, and I promise to wear a bra when I wear this dress.

In the meantime, quick, another Unofficial Poll:

What name sounds best for a character in a children’s bedtime story who is a star?

Would your 3 – 11-year-old anxiety-ridden-possible-bedwetter prefer a calming bedtime story with a star character named:

Twink?

Orion?

Glimmer?

Sparks?

I really need you to put your top choice in the comments section, because, I received a contract to write this story! (I will tell you that one of my original top choices listed here was vetoed thanks to Urbandictionary.com showing it as having a perverted definition! Do you know which one it is? Cuz I sure didn't know it had a bad connotation! I'm just naiive that way!

And finally, tomorrow night is the big Sex Talk that the fifth graders are invited to attend at the school. I told Ajers we’ll go to it and sit in the way back row. I said I’ll bring a notebook and I’ll take notes so we can come home and I can blog about how hilarious it was! I joked with him that we could keep track of how many times they say the word “peni$” and stuff like that! This is going to be so much fun! This is the reason we get to be parents! I can’t wait!

So come on! Chime in with your comments:
Twink, Orion, Glimmer, Sparks. Oh, and yeah, it’s a boy star. If you have suggestions too, I would LOVE to hear them.

a GooD MoMeNT

I was talking with the kids about a book Ajers was reading which has a character in it named Stephanie and he mentioned that the character is a dog.

"Nobody names a dog STEPHANIE!" I said.

Ajers said, "I know, but she's a teenager in the book."

Me: "I was a teenager once."

"I can't picture THAT!" From Ajers.

Diva chimes in, "I've seen pictures. She WAS a teenager once."

Me: "Oh yes I was."

Ajers: "Well, I still can't picture you as a teenager but Dad musta liked what he saw."

Me: "I guess so, but he didn't really know me when I was a teenager."

And then Ajers, with the final blow, as he looks to the mantel at my wedding picture:

"Pretty much your last good moment was your wedding."

SuNDaY BLooDY SuNDaY, JaN. 25

Just when I was giving up hope thinking I would have a bloodless week, you came through for me! I figured that maybe the Inauguration kept some of you from donating blood for the Manic Mommy Virtual Blog for Blood Drive! And I did hear from a few of you who tried to donate but couldn't because of low iron -- EAT SOME MEAT!

Seriously, before I went last time, I was all about the steak tacos, and it was Christmas so I had me some filet mignon, dark chocolate, a few turkey subs, and yeah, I was at about 13.4 for the iron count -- MEAT and beans will get your iron pumped up!

But anyway, I was having serious doubts that anyone was getting the message that I'm doing this blood drive here and GIVING AWAY A VACATION TO FLORIDA -- YES FLORIDA! As in a beach destination, with sun, sand, surf, and WARM WEATHER for five nights and six glorious days, and all we've got registered so far are SIX of you caring, one-pint-less, donating folks ...

WELL, now we have added a SEVENTH and an EIGHTH blood donor to the mix!

Gracious thanks goes out to our most recent donor, another MAN! Yep, I do get excited when the wives who read Manic Mommy corale their men into doing this and I'd like to thank Brian and Erin for their efforts! Here's what Erin wrote about Brian's donation:

He did it!

So what inspired him to donate? Well, when the donation crew comes to your worksite on a regular basis it is hard to say no to donating. When you are O+ there really is no excuse, and when your wife is bugging you to donate so she can enter this competition, well what else can a guy do. (written by Erin with Brian's OK.)

Brian Hess, VA

Cheers,
Erin

Visit Erin's blog at www.shenandoahvalleyparent.blogspot.com and let her know her hubby ROCKS!

And then we have a Manic Mommy Blood Donor ALUM! Yep, Jules is a dear donor who braved the needle last year and Jules is extra special and I tell HER story every chance I can because Jules is deathly afraid of needles, so much so that last year was the first time she ever donated, and she said that she even gave birth to her children NATURAL because she didn't want to get the epidural just because of the needles involved.

And here she is again, donating BLOOD to save LIVES. Even though she is SCARED TO DEATH to do so. She is doing it AGAIN!

THANK YOU JULES!



Here's what Jules said:

Well, I did it again.

Did I mention that I hate, hate, hate...... am horribly terrified of needles? Well I do and I am. Yay for all-natural birth and all that.

SO...... the photo color is how I feel/felt (green), and the motivational words scattered about are there to make sure I do this again.

I get a queezy feeling in my stomach just looking at the picture, so I needed A LOT of motivational phrases. :)

And drat! I think I just noticed that I have more wrinkles than last year.

I'm passing the word on to all my friends. Thanks for hosting this again this year. Hope you get a ton of participants!

Hugs!

Jules- Scared O' Those Nasty Needles

Thank you all so very much! And there is a HUGE SHORTAGE of O NEGATIVE BLOOD right now, so if you've even considered for a second that maybe you should donate, why don't you just DO it. I promise it will make you feel so good. It's an amazing gift that costs you NOTHING to do and will change the lives of people who are desperately in need of something you can give to them!

If you're reading this right now, it means you're giving it some consideration.

Please.

And thank you! : )

Complete contest details are here: Manic Mommy Virtual Blog for Blood Drive!

And to find a local blood center, call 1-800-GIVE LIFE! There is STILL LOTS OF TIME TO DONATE -- Manic Mommy Virtual Blog for Blood Drive runs through February! And don't forget, we're giving away a vacation to Sandestin Golf & Beach Resort!

More fun stuff later this week on Manic Mommy!

Peace UP!

3 SToRieS: 1 PeR KiD

DiVa:

Let me please just preface this by saying that I love children. And the miracle of childbirth is simply amazing, and that there is nothing more wonderful than the journey to motherhood. Absolutely nothing. And I am so blessed to have the children that I have, and I wish that everyone could have children. Having said that, here is a Diva/Mommy conversation:

The other morning, Diva and I were in my bed, enjoying a moment of quiet during the first unexpected day of winter break.

"Mommy, why don't you have another baby?"

"I don't want any more babies. Plus I'm too old."

"But what if you had another girl?"

"Then I wouldn't have all the love for you. And I would have to share my love with her."

"Then how about you could have another boy."

"UGH! Then I would have THREE boys. How would you like to have THREE BROTHERS!?"

We both kind of sat there shaking our heads in quiet contemplation but I know we were both thinking, "Hell to the NO!"

Then she said, "HOW ABOUT YOU CAN HAVE TWINS--A BOY AND A GIRL!"

My reply: "I would barf in my mouth. And die."

AJeRs:

The other morning, Ajers came into my room and said, "I can't believe I'm getting braces next week!"

I said, "I know! Can't you stop growing and just be my little baby still for a while!? It makes me just so sad!"

He said, "Aw come on Mom, you still got seven good years of me left!"

SEVEN? ONLY SEVEN YEARS! He's leaving the coop in just seven years!

Yes, my heart tore a little bit at that one.

TuKey:

And then, just tonight Tukey took a shower and got his jammies on and then jumped into my bed. I got in next to him and snuggled up with him. We never get to snuggle that much any more.

He said, "Can we snuggle for five minutes?"

I said, "Three."

He said, "Eight."

I said, "No way! It's bedtime! Daddy'll kill us if I don't get you into bed!"

He said, "OK, five."

I said, "Two."

He said, "OK, three."

Then AJers came in and tried to make a Mommy sandwich, to which Tukey yelled, "Get out of here, this is MY MOMENT!"

It's so good to feel so loved.

uSa ToDay'S PoP CaNDy

OK, I wasn't going to share this, but a couple people told me I should so I will:

I'm on USA Today's Pop Candy.

TuKeY aND PaL