Mistake

I made a mistake today.

This part's not the mistake: Mom and I took the kids to church camp and then we went to the mall to do a few returns without kids in tow. That all was fine. The mistake happened when we walked by the men's cologne.

I saw it there.

The ex-boyfriend's cologne.

"Hold on mom, I just gotta smell this," I said as I grabbed the spherical bottle that housed the liquid and carressed it in my hands, lovingly, I might add.

I closed my eyes as my mom stood by. I put my nose up to the sprayer and I didn't sniff, I inhaled as deeply as if I were a crack-addict knowing it would be the last time I would ever snort.

Oh.My.God.

If memories could come into a bottle, my mind exploded. This is a scent that plummets me back to a time left behind. Of scenes from days I wish I could have photographed, of conversations I wish I had recorded, of senses I wish I could... not feel again, but just know. I felt like I was struck numb, but all these feelings wanted to errupt.

I suddenly felt his chest, saw him looking at me, touching me, talking to me, whispering. Could feel my nose pressed against his neck, just below the ear, and I closed my eyes, thinking. I could hear all the music: All This I Should Have Known, by Breathe, Open Arms (like I need to tell you that's Journey), Sign Your Name Across My Heart (My God, that was a hot night when this song played).

"Mom," I said, after I opened my eyes. "This is seriously an orgasm in a bottle."

I sprayed some onto my shirt and I keep lifting up the front neckline of it to smell what used to be him. What I still remember of him.

I am positive I will dream of him tonight. And these are always the kind of dreams where I wake up in a disillusioned mood the next day.

Why?

And does anyone care to guess the cologne?