Vasectomy

My friend’s husband just got the big “V” last week, and I asked the appropriate questions required of me:

“Is he OK?”

“What’s it look like?”

“Did they swell the size of eggplants?”

“Is it now the color of eggplant?”

“Is he being a big baby?”

“Do you have any extra vicodin?”

“Peas or corn?”

“How many times will he have to do it in a cup?”

“Were you in the room with him?”

She was not in the room with him.

“WHY weren’t you in the room with him?”

I am definitely going to request I be in the room with Mr. Manic when his time comes, because my friend told me a little secret – smoke comes out of “their them yonders” when they do the procedure.

I sooo want to see that.

Little streams of smoke wafting up like Native-American signals saying, “Hey, no worries down here, don’t send any help! You’re killing us all off though! But that’s OK, cuz now you can have all the sex you could ever imagine having any time you want.” Well, as long as the doors are locked and the kids are nowhere in sight and you’ve got a nice little buzz from a couple of margaritas or a couple glasses of wine, and he hasn’t been annoying you lately and you’re not too tired or full or crabby, and the moons are aligned and you don’t have your period and …

OK.

Plus, he got to see MY feet in stirrups – THREE times. It’s only fair, you know, that I should see him in stirrups!

And of course, I’ll hold his hand and tell him it’ll be over soon. Of course I would do that for Mr. Manic.

But ANYWAY, my friend said her husband said they had the radio on while they were zapping at his zoingoes, and yes, I just made up that word, and isn’t it a fun one? Zoingoes. “Zoin” rhymes with coin, and “goes” as in “He GOES to get a vasectomy.”

(Can I put that word on urbandictionary.com?)

My friend said her husband actually heard the song by the Rolling Stones, “You Make a Grown Man Cry” during his vasectomy which busted us both out in fits of laughter and then got us thinking about a great topic:

SONGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER YOUR VASECTOMY:

All The Small Things – Blink 182

Great Balls Of Fire – Jerry Lee Lewis

Beat It – Michael Jackson

Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls

Chop Me Up – Justin Timberlake

Come As You Are – Nirvana

Crank That – Soulja Boy

Crank Dat – DJ Godfather

Dancing “Queen” – ABBA

Daughters – John Mayer

Electric Blue (Balls!) – Icehouse

Everytime We Touch – Cascada

Fidelity – Regina Spektor

Fix You – Coldplay

Fix You Up – Tegan and Sara

Frizzle Fry – Primus

Gimme More – Britney Spears

“Headsprung” – LL Cool J

Here It Goes Again – OK GO

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar

How Far We’ve “Come” – Matchbox Twenty

How To Save A Life – The Frey

“Hung” Up – Madonna

“Taint”ed Love – “Soft” Cell

I’ve Got To See You Again – Norah Jones

I Could Have Lied – Red Hot Chili Peppers

I Don’t Need Her – The Outfield

I Grieve – Peter Gabriel

I Have The Touch – Peter Gabriel

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? – Oops, sorry, that’s not a song!

I Would For You – Jane’s Addiction

Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

If The World Crashes Down – Enrique Iglesias

It’s Only Love – Simply Red

It Ends Tonight – The All American Rejects

Just A Girl – No Doubt

Just Lose It – Eninem

Hanging By A Moment -- Lifehouse

(NO) Kids Of The Future – Jonas Brothers

Last Dance – Donna Summer

Let’s Go To Bed – The Cure

Lie In Our Graves – Dave Matthews Band

Lost In A Crowd – Rusted Root

Murder Of One – Counting Crows

Naked – The BoDeans

Never Again – Kelly Clarkson

No Chump Love Sucker – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You – Gloria Estefan

Rise Up And Walk – Poi Dog Pondering

Rock You Like A Hurricane – Scorpions

Smack That - Akon

Sabotage – Beastie Boys

Staying Alive – Bee Gees

That’s The Way I Like It – KC & The Sunshine Band

This Is My Now – Jordin Sparks

“Hard”en My Heart – Quarterflash

“Come” On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

This Is The Day – The The

Through The Fire And Flames – Dragonforce

Turn Me On – Norah Jones

We Be Burnin’ – Sean Paul

We Will Rock You – Queen / Michael Johns

Welcome To The Jungle – Guns N’ Roses

When The World Ends – Dave Matthews Band

Where Does The Good Go – Tegan and Sara

Wind it Up – Gwen Stefani

Witch Doctor – Alvin and the Chipmunks

I Want Your Sex – George Michael

The Shake Of Big Hands – Poi Dog Pondering

Shake That – Eminem

Snap And Roll – Soulja Boy

The Space Between – Dave Matthews Band

Nothing Left To Lose – Mat Kearney

Beast Of Burden – Rolling Stones

Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs

Release – Pearl Jam

Twist & Shout – The Isley Brothers

You Can’t Count On Me – Counting Crows

They’re Red Hot – Red Hot Chili Peppers

You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban

Most of these songs I got from my own iTunes library. I think I can create a Vasectomy’s Greatest Hits CD and sell it to the Vasectomy Docs. I’d make a killing! I know there are a ton of other good songs to add to this list, so share ‘em in the comments. Also, got any good vasectomy stories? Let’s talk appendages, shall we?

Here’s one song I thought of that men might like to hear during a vasectomy, and by the looks of the video, men might enjoy watching all the hot chicks, so boys, all three of you reading Manic Mommy, this one’s for you!



And in ever Manic fashion, I just have to leave you with my usual, and pun-intended ...

Peace UP!