Tuesday, October 16, 2007

An Open Letter to My Neighbor & Pet

Dear Neighbor,

I am sure you are a very kind and thoughtful person. A person who enjoys the company of what I am guessing by the evidence, a very large breed of dog. Perhaps you have a golden retriever, or a mastiff bulldog. I am quite certain you are not the owner of a shih tzu or a teacup poodle.

I would like to thank you for stopping by my house today. I am sure your pet was enjoying himself, sniffing the surroundings, maybe digging his muzzle into my, well, I would say flowerbeds, but I do not have flowerbeds, so let’s just say maybe your dog was sniffing around the shrubbery.

I can understand the responsibilities of owning a pet, especially one as large as yours. You’ve got to feed it a couple of times a day, offer it some affection, take it for walks, and I’m sure that gets to be exhausting. Especially if maybe you’ve worked all day long, or had to help kids with homework, and then cart them to practices and lessons and such. Maybe you just wanted a quiet meal at home, with a nice glass of cabernet to cap off the evening.

And I understand those responsibilities, and it sure was nice of you to take some time to bond with your dog, to take him out to sniff around a bit, mark his territory, and do his business.

But I have a very hard time being sympathetic to your dog’s needs, and the fact that you’d be so inconsiderate to your neighbors to go out and forget to bring with you a FREAKING PLASTIC BAG.

A plastic bag in which you could possibly bend over and pick up the steaming pile of crap your dog has conveniently left in my yard.

I can understand that this could happen. You’ve just gotten home from work, you’re tired from the day’s events, you’re tired of yelling at the spouse, your kids. You just needed a minute to get out of the house to collect your thoughts. To decompress from the day. To breathe. And how kind of you to take the family dog with you.

I too, was decompressing from a day of parenting, a day of busy-ness, a day where I had to cart children here and there, do laundry that is still smelling like freshly sprayed vajigity (threw that one in for you, Andrea!). I too, had a busy day.

But despite the busyness of the day, I decided that my kids needed some mom fun time. So, I took them to choose some cute Halloween decorations, nothing spectacular, just a plastic skull, a tombstone, and yes, we went pumpkin picking as well! Straight into our local grocery store where I plucked two large, and two small pumpkins right from the crate. Because, as you may guess, I hate messy things, like muddy pumpkin patches, feces, you know, gross stuff.

Well, Mr. Thoughtful Neighbor (is it wrong for me to assume that you are a man? I’m sorry to say I’ve not even considered you're a woman. Call me sexist if you must.)…

Anyway, Dear Neighbor, while I was out trying to bring joy into my children’s lives by purchasing a few Halloween funfare items, you were out walking your dog.

Again, I understand, hey, maybe you forgot a plastic bag. That happens. I can appreciate this. What I cannot understand is why you most certainly walked directly into my yard, shuffling onto my driveway, willingly, fully aware that your dog had to crap, and that you did not have a plastic baggy, and that you were THISFREAKINGCLOSE to my FRONT WALK when your dog had to do his business.

And yes, your dog HAS TO BE MALE AS WELL.

Thank you, kind, kind, dear neighbor, for letting your dog take a humongous crap right where I thought it would be so cute for me to place our Halloween gravesite. It was so nice to come home, grab all the pumpkins from the trunk, collect the skull and gravestone and plant myself into the yard, while wearing MY FLIP FLOPS in order to create a beautiful Halloween ensemble that my children will enjoy throughout the holiday. Thank you. I reveled in the fact that I began screaming that I’d stepped in dog doo, and then loved running through the yard trying to remove dog feces from my toes. It really was a very pleasant way to end the busy day, and you’ve helped create wonderful holiday memories for my whole family.

I hope you'll stop by again and visit soon. I'd really like to meet the canine behind the crap.

Oh, and I've decided to try my hand at creating my own Halloween decorations now. This way, I won't be out shopping for items when you stop by! And I think I'll make you a gift while I'm at it! First up, another tombstone. Wanna know what it's going to say?

“Here Lies the Kind Thoughtful Neighbor Who Let His Dog Crap in My Yard.”


JRE Writes said...

omg, that is just so wrong. The post, however, is freakin' hillarious. you should send it in to letters to editor in your local paper--maybe he'll recognize himself!

stephhale said...

You crack me up!

Travis Erwin said...

Box it up and drop in his kid's bag when they come by your house trick or treating.

Kate said...

Nice. I would have paid to be there to see you jumping around and yelling, though.

I'll admit that although I always take at least 2 bags with me, my dog has once or twice managed to make three piles in one walk. I don't know. My guess is that it's just the excitement of actually being taken for a walk that she feels a need to make the most of it. The two times it's happened, I let her do it because there wasn't exactly a choice, although I did my best to drag her to someplace that wasn't exactly in the middle of someone's lawn.

And then I came back with a bag and picked it up. If your dog craps anywhere other than in your own yard, you pick it up. Period.

Rude pet owners suck.

Drewpy Drew said...

OK, first off thanks for maligning all of us guys out here. We are not all pigs. Just most of us. :)

Second, one summer during college, it was my job to hose off the sidewalk in front of my dad's house every time the neighborhood elderly incontinent German Shepard's bowels let go. (Boy, how's that for a run-on sentence.) One fine morning, while I was hosing away, (stop that snickering)my next door neighbor comes out and dresses me down for not controlling my dog. When informed that I don't have a dog, she huffs and storms off.

I'm just saying, make sure you know that you have the right neighbor before you take your revenge.

Anonymous said...

Ah suburban angst at its finest! I don't live in a Stepford neighborhood any longer and I have to admit I don't miss much of it. The lawn envy. The who wore her PJ's to the busstop chat. The who didn't scoop the poop (although I agree, when you have kids it's gross if they step in poop in their own yard.) The "did you SEE their new car? It's only a 3 series! They must be struggling..."

And don't forget the classic line from The Pink Panther. "Does your dog bite?" "No." CHOMP! "That's not my dog."

Anonymous said...

And TOO uncoffee'd to write.

Melisa Wells said...

ARGGGH! If you can figure out who it is, you can always buy some fake dog poo and leave it on his/her porch this Halloween. Actually, GO NUTS. Borrow another big dog and "walk" it over to his/her porch.

Hilarious post, though. I loved your paragraph about your "flowerbeds".

Here's to a fresh and clean day!


Unknown said...

That's disgusting...I can almost feel the dog crap on my own feet!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Guys and gals, some of you think I KNOW who's dog did this. I don't!! We have a million dogs in this neighborhood!

And Kim--I LOVE MY NEIGHBORHOOD! We don't get any of that "who wore her jammies to the bus" crap because WE ALL WEAR OUR JAMMIES TO THE BUS! LOL!

OK, gotta run--I'm on POOP ALERT! Time to spy! hee hee

Monnik said...

I'm amazed at how many people in our neighborhood do this too. My next door neighbor actually did put up a sign that was in the shape of a tombstone, and it said EXACTLY what your suggested one said! He kept it up for like three weeks too.

Michelle said...

That is wrong on so many levels! How inconsiderate!

But this post...made me laugh so hard I nearly fell out of my chair. Now all my co-workers surely think I'm drunk. Thanks! ;)

Andie said...

there's a lady around the corner from us who had a wooden cutout of a dog pooping made with a big NO symbol over it.

Apparently it happened to her one too many times.

i'm so thankful that scruffy doesn't make big poops... it's SO GROSS to pick it up with a plastic bag, though. LOL but I do it!

It's just wrong to let a dog do it in someone's yard without picking it up! Definitely go on watch and then bust the dude next tiem you see him walking his dog.

Hey, there are these leashes that come with little baggies on them the pull out like the fruit bags at the grocery store. the poop bags come on a roll. Maybe you could buy him a package of them and hand them off to him when you bust him again. That's how I would do it! LOL

Tanya said...

Wow, do your tombstone like that. Make them feel guilty. I also loved your letter. You got to post that somewhere. A stop sign on your street maybe?

Anonymous said...

I ADORE my dog but not what she leaves behind so it gets disposed of asap in double bags.

Do the gravestone - dare you!

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

Manic say it ain't so! Jammies at the bus stop???? ARGH! One of my "pet" (if you'll pardon the pun) peeves! LOL!

There's a house down the street from us where the neighbors must have a running feud. One house has one of those garden gates at the edge of where the two yards meet with a "NO TRESPASSING" sign on it! It's hysterical. As if they are saying, "Don't you dare cross onto my property!" Two nicely manicured houses. And that ugly Home Depot sign mars the yard.

I like the tombstones for Halloween. "Here Lies The Person Who let His Dog Poop in our Yard" is fabulous!

Unknown said...

I laughed so hard that I had tears!!! Thank you so much, Manic!

I would definitely do the tombstone. A few years back, Wal-Mart had blank tombstones you could carve your own message into (or paint them on, I guess). :) You have to post a picture if you do, though.

Anonymous said...

Time for the old flaming-poo-filled-paper-bag-on-the-front-porch prank. [evil laugh]

Kate said...

you are hilarious! i cannot believe someone did that! this is why i refuse to walk our dog - i hate picking up poop. so dog can run around the back yard or hubby can walk - but to just leave it there?! EEEWWWWW

Matt said...

This is why I drive my dogs to other neighborhoods before walking them. That way my dogs can drop stink-mines with impunity.

(I kid, I kid)

Anonymous said...

My grandpa had a halloween gravestone with "here it lies, cold and hard, the last damn dog that pooped in my yard." I thought you could appreciate it!

kay said...

could i please copy that for my neighbors who let their door poop in my yard.

i just don't understand people. i don't come over and poop in their potty. why do they think it's ok to let their dog use my yard!


MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Yasmin--love it!

ANyone who wants to share this letter with their blog readers are welcome to, just please include a link to my blog.

I really, really do think I need to create a new tombstone for real for my yard!

TTQ said...

Bwahahahahahaha! Our dogs are yard dogs, not walking dogs and they poop alot. But you know what? Honey shovels it frequently up and over the fence into the canal. YOu know why? cause I would shit, if he didn't and make sure he stepped in it.

Eileen said...

You had a poo pedicure. Very fancy.

thisbearbites said...

It must of been Cosmic Doggy Doo Blog Day. A direct copy and past from my blog yesterday:
The night before they had their large puppy running from one end of their apartment to the other, playing fetch I can only assume. That ended at 3:30am. By the way - they do not seem to pick up after puppy does her business. Usually this is right under next door neighbor's bedroom window. He is also disabled.

Pick up your dog shit and dispose of it properly.
Manners by ThisBearBites

(Or someone's DH who can climb stairs might pick it up and leave it in your door.)

thisbearbites said...

Copy and Paste!
I can't even blame the drugs - they took those away!
(dear God you don't want to know how crappy my typing really is in withdrawal!)
I will have to ride the short bus to typing class......

Carrie and Troy Keiser said...

Sorry about your crappy neighbor! Glad you write entertainingly! I had to laugh just a bit ... ok a lot! Good luck on the hunt! Oh yes, send it in!:-)

onthegomom said...

Oh mah gawd... that is so seriously wrong! It's one thing if it's in your yard out by the curb but up by your front walk! OH NO HE DIDN'T! (agreeing with you on the male thing)

My neighbor has a sign on his fence that reads and I quote, "Please Do Not Let Your Dog CRAP In My Yard". Yes crap is in all caps and yes it was hand painted. I could ask him if he contracts out on sign making :)

Good luck on your hunt for the "pooper"!