Monday, March 12, 2007

The Test

Stephanie Klein posted this writing exercise on her blog that I'm guessing she had written a long while ago. It reminded me that I had done a 'dialogue-only' writing exercise in a class about five years ago. I found it, and here it is.

The Test (dialogue)
MALE PART: Bold
FEMALE PART: Not bold

Let’s take the test now.

It’s not a “let's” thing.

OK, you take the test now.

I don’t think now is a good time.

Why not? You’re 10 days late already. Why not now?

The package says you should take it first thing in the morning.

Come on, you’re stalling. What are you afraid of anyway? We WANT to be pregnant… Don’t we?

Yeah, of course. I’m just scared.

Just take the test. I’m going crazy here. I want to know if we are or if we aren’t.

Oh, alright. Wait out here…

Are you peeing yet?

I haven’t even taken it out of the package.

Geeze…. I can’t hear yoouuuuu.

I CAN’T PEE WHILE YOU’RE LISTENING BY THE DOOR!

Turn the water on or something. That’ll make you go.

YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!

What's your frigging problem?

The problem is I could be pregnant and if I am then my whole world is going to turn upside down crazy and inside out all at once! And… I’m gonna get fat.

Come out here.

What?

Hug me. [hug] Listen carefully. I love you. We want a family. We’re in this together. I promise I’ll be there for you.

So, you’ll gain the weight and puke for me?

If I could, I would even do the breastfeeding.

You’re nuts.

No, you are. Now go piss on that stick!

Come in with me.

Alright.

It says here that you have to keep the stick under the stream of urine for 60 seconds. How’m I gonna do that?

Chug some water first.

Never mind. I’ll just go and hope a lot comes out.

You going?

Can’t you hear it?

Keep pushing so more comes out. Make sure to get that stick really saturated.

Oh God, I am so freaking out right now. Look at your watch. Tell me when two minutes is up.

We have to wait two freaking minutes?

Keep talking to me so I don’t have to think about what’s going on.

Hey, look at the stick. It looks like you got it wet enough.

QUIT LOOKING AT IT!

Why?

Cuz it’s like a pot of water. If you look at it, it might not boil.

This thing is supposed to boil?

No… just a figure of speech. I am too nervous here to think straight. What’s it doing?

It looks like some purple-y fluid is seeping through the test. You sure you read the instructions?

YEH-ESS, what kind of idiot do you think I am?

The kind I’m happy I married.

Butt-kisser.

Only yours.

How much time has passed?

54 seconds.

It says that it could take up to five minutes for a test result. You have to wait that long to confirm a negative reading.

There’s not gonna be a negative one. I just know you’re pregnant.

What makes you so sure?

I was there, remember?

Vaguely, I was kinda drunk.

I’d say. Some of the best sex ever.

At least one of us remembers.

So, do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl?

Will you stop talking like that? We don’t even know yet!

Would you be mad at me if I said I wanted a boy?

Pretty much. That is just rude. You should just want a healthy baby. How much time now?

A minute 15.

Come on already. Could this take any longer? What’s it doing?

Now the windows are completely purple. Can’t see a line or anything.

Do you like the name Madison?

As in Avenue? Or President?

Asshole.

Just trying to keep it light baby. Is that a line?

That’s the line that is supposed to be there. That’s the test window. If the other one matches up…

Hey, check that out!

OH… MY… GOD.

No Way! We are SSOOOO pregnant!

Holy shit. OH… MY… GOD. We can’t tell ANYBODY!

What? Why not?

Because, we have to wait to make sure. We can’t just go around telling people we’re pregnant unless we’re positive.

Honey, it doesn’t get any more positive than those two purple lines right there. Go call your mom.

16 comments:

Kim Stagliano said...

How I remember that happy wait for the line! I kept my three little sticks too - gross or what? :) Today I got the good news that a dear friend in the autism world, a Super Dad, is the proud papa of twins today. A 7 pound girl and a 5.5 pound boy! He's so nervous the kids will have autism, like his 3 year old. And I, having THREE kids with autism, am not much help to him! LOL! Send up a prayer for these new babes, won't you? Norah and Conor. Thanks.

Manic Mom said...

Prayers for Norah and Conor--what a blessing!

Jenster said...

What memories you provoked!! LOL That was very cute. :o)

Monnik said...

Oh, Manic, I love it! Great dialogue!

Eileen said...

This was great. Proof that one should always hang on to those writing excercises- there is gold. Or pee sticks. Or something one should hang on to.

Manic Mom said...

I should add this was fictional dialogue, not taken from a real conversation when I took the prego tests.

Colorado Writer said...

When I found I was pregnant, my soon-to-be-hubby was not answering his cell phone. I (the unromantic idiot that I am) left him a message. "Hey, when you get a minute, call me back. I'm pregnant."

He made me pee on 3 sticks that night to be sure.

We had to move up our wedding.

Oh ya..and that is the 2nd time I got knocked up before my wedding date.

I thought my dad was going to stroke out when I had to tell him AGAIN that I was PG before the wedding.

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Okay, so I'm trying a new tactic to get you to come out and play in Fly Girl land. You didn't
Barbie Jo's and my email to join us tonight, so I'm trying to reach you through your blog.

So yeah I've been into the wine. (insert evil laugh) I admit it. But I'm at Barb's house and we are bored so we are blogging on the fly girls as though we are IMing each other even though we are in the same room.

Queer, I know, but it's fun. So come out and play. We miss you;)))

Monnik said...

colorado writer, I thought *I* was the only one who had to move up their wedding because she was pg with her second child out of wedlock. Funny! Our oldest daughter was the flower girl at our wedding, and the woman who performed the ceremony told us we had such a cute kid that we should get started on more. We told her we were way ahead of her on that one...

Jess Riley said...

So now I'm wondering how much of this dialogue is REAL! *wink wink*

The Dummy said...

Cute. I never imagined peeing could involve so much drama.

Manic Mom said...

DD--If you think there's drama peeing during the pregnancy test, just wait till you get to potty train the little thing that caused the test to turn colors in the first place!!

Brooklyn Frank said...

excellent post. muchos kudos

Frannie Farmer said...

I still have the sticks - all 4 of them ... well actually more than 4 - sometime I look at those and then at my girls and just can't believe it all started w/those 2 blue lines ... well, I guess it didn't ALL start w/the lines but you know what I mean.

violetvirus said...

I seriously thought it's what happened when you first took d test...I love d dialogue! :)

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Great dialogue. I don't actually remember mine deatail for deatail. And I know this wasn't yours, but it felt so real. Great job and it speaks volumes for you as a writer.