The Test

Stephanie Klein posted this writing exercise on her blog that I'm guessing she had written a long while ago. It reminded me that I had done a 'dialogue-only' writing exercise in a class about five years ago. I found it, and here it is.

The Test (dialogue)
MALE PART: Bold
FEMALE PART: Not bold

Let’s take the test now.

It’s not a “let's” thing.

OK, you take the test now.

I don’t think now is a good time.

Why not? You’re 10 days late already. Why not now?

The package says you should take it first thing in the morning.

Come on, you’re stalling. What are you afraid of anyway? We WANT to be pregnant… Don’t we?

Yeah, of course. I’m just scared.

Just take the test. I’m going crazy here. I want to know if we are or if we aren’t.

Oh, alright. Wait out here…

Are you peeing yet?

I haven’t even taken it out of the package.

Geeze…. I can’t hear yoouuuuu.

I CAN’T PEE WHILE YOU’RE LISTENING BY THE DOOR!

Turn the water on or something. That’ll make you go.

YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!

What's your frigging problem?

The problem is I could be pregnant and if I am then my whole world is going to turn upside down crazy and inside out all at once! And… I’m gonna get fat.

Come out here.

What?

Hug me. [hug] Listen carefully. I love you. We want a family. We’re in this together. I promise I’ll be there for you.

So, you’ll gain the weight and puke for me?

If I could, I would even do the breastfeeding.

You’re nuts.

No, you are. Now go piss on that stick!

Come in with me.

Alright.

It says here that you have to keep the stick under the stream of urine for 60 seconds. How’m I gonna do that?

Chug some water first.

Never mind. I’ll just go and hope a lot comes out.

You going?

Can’t you hear it?

Keep pushing so more comes out. Make sure to get that stick really saturated.

Oh God, I am so freaking out right now. Look at your watch. Tell me when two minutes is up.

We have to wait two freaking minutes?

Keep talking to me so I don’t have to think about what’s going on.

Hey, look at the stick. It looks like you got it wet enough.

QUIT LOOKING AT IT!

Why?

Cuz it’s like a pot of water. If you look at it, it might not boil.

This thing is supposed to boil?

No… just a figure of speech. I am too nervous here to think straight. What’s it doing?

It looks like some purple-y fluid is seeping through the test. You sure you read the instructions?

YEH-ESS, what kind of idiot do you think I am?

The kind I’m happy I married.

Butt-kisser.

Only yours.

How much time has passed?

54 seconds.

It says that it could take up to five minutes for a test result. You have to wait that long to confirm a negative reading.

There’s not gonna be a negative one. I just know you’re pregnant.

What makes you so sure?

I was there, remember?

Vaguely, I was kinda drunk.

I’d say. Some of the best sex ever.

At least one of us remembers.

So, do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl?

Will you stop talking like that? We don’t even know yet!

Would you be mad at me if I said I wanted a boy?

Pretty much. That is just rude. You should just want a healthy baby. How much time now?

A minute 15.

Come on already. Could this take any longer? What’s it doing?

Now the windows are completely purple. Can’t see a line or anything.

Do you like the name Madison?

As in Avenue? Or President?

Asshole.

Just trying to keep it light baby. Is that a line?

That’s the line that is supposed to be there. That’s the test window. If the other one matches up…

Hey, check that out!

OH… MY… GOD.

No Way! We are SSOOOO pregnant!

Holy shit. OH… MY… GOD. We can’t tell ANYBODY!

What? Why not?

Because, we have to wait to make sure. We can’t just go around telling people we’re pregnant unless we’re positive.

Honey, it doesn’t get any more positive than those two purple lines right there. Go call your mom.