Monday, September 18, 2006

She Said, She Said

Diva bawled her eyes out after Swishy left.

Hubby breathed a sigh of relief to discover she really wasn’t a lesbian-knife-wielding-serial-killer-girl, although I suspect some readers might think the lesbian aspect would be kind of cool.

When Swishy drives up, before she gets into my house, hubby and I have this quick conversation:

Hubby: How do you know she’s not a serial killer?

Me: We shared a hotel room for two nights in April. If she wanted to kill me (she probably should have after that waxing episode), she could have done it there. (And if he was so concerned, why didn’t he ask me this five hours previous, before Swishy left her home to come to mine?)

Hubby: True.

Me, going out to greet Swishy, laughing: Hubby thinks you’re a serial killer!

Swish: Oh great, first time I meet him, he thinks I’m a lesbian, now I’m a serial killer?

So, there was no time spent in jail, no time spent hanging our heads over the toilet, but we did spend a lot of time laughing! There’s just something about Swishy! (Hey, that would make a great movie title!).

Anyway, Friday night was low-key because we had to be charged up and ready for our big day on Saturday, where we attended the Midwest Literary Festival, in the second largest city in Illinois - Aurora! (Who woulda thunk it?)

Right away, I spot our idol, Emily Giffin, and so we go up to her and yell, “Your fan club is here!”

She was probably thinking, “Oh God, not them again. I cannot escape Manic and Swishy!”

But seriously, Emily remembered us, and we had a great time laughing and talking about writing, and all the stuff you guys who don’t write wouldn’t get (but wait, most of you are bloggers, so you all write too, so you WOULD understand!).

In between panel discussions with these really cool authors, Judy Merrill Larsen, Tasha Alexander, Cynthia Langston, and some guy named David who wrote Dark Gold, we had some free time and instead of mingling and rubbing elbows or other things with the festival-goers, I took Swishy to the place where you can get pizza slices as big as your head! The young Hispanic who worked there fell in love with Swishy, telling her that her eyes were beautiful.

That pissed me off.

“What’s wrong with MY shit brown eyes! Just because Swish has eyes the color of aquamarine gemstones, you think mine aren’t good enough?!” I yelled.

“Go make me my freaking pizza now!” I demanded.

I’m sure he spit in it, right after he put the pepperoni slices on Swishy’s piece to spell out his phone number. He was smitten with her for sure!

Then, after pizza, we have some free time, and again, instead of hobnobbing and networking with festival goers, we decide to throw some money into the Aurora River (that’s not really the name of it, and no, we didn’t really toss money into the river, but it would have probably been more fun than what we did with our cash.)

We went to play the slots with the fine specimen of folk that inhabit
Hollywood Casinos!

I swear, there are some unwritten gambling requirements that we were unaware of. You must either be:
a. a smoker
b. a person older than dirt
c. in a motorized wheelchair
d. all of the above

It reeked, I got a huge headache (I get one just thinking about it!), and the first machine I tried to play stole my money because DUH, I put a five-dollar bill in a ten-dollar slot machine. WHAT!

I felt like an idiot and had to ask the nice lady who would NOT bring FREE drinks because that is another PROBLEM with this particular establishment: They don’t give free cocktails… I had to meekly request my money back. And then I had to ask her to direct me to the quarter slots.

And the slots sucked because:
a. Swishy got carded and I DIDN’T
b. No real money jingles out of them… you get a stupid bar-code card to keep track of your money.
c. No free drinks.
d. Smoke-filled air.
e. We lost.

But, we didn’t lose a lot cuz we are SMART SHOOTERS and went in with a plan. Our plan was to only spend $10. Okay, so I spent freaking $17 in which I could have gotten something much more out of the day, like another new book, but whatever. It was an experience. And I am all about living life for the experiences.

Aren’t we all?

So, losses aside, we head back to the festival and settle in for some more panel discussions, which are very exciting to Swish and me, but probably a little dull to those not seeking best-sellerdom and publication. And we were front and center gleaming at Emily, and she even referred to us, saying we were her fans, and she blew us kisses, and later, she sat behind us before another panel and admitted she was nervous. A beautiful, best-selling, wonderful author nervous!

She left her sweater in the seat behind us and I told her later that I shoulda hawked it and sold it on eBay. I could have gotten enough to publish and market my own damn book, I betcha! Before we parted ways with Emily, I slipped her my biz card, cuz I’m all coy like that (HA!) and told her if she was going to be hanging out in Naperville, to call us, cuz we were all about wanting to hang out with a best-selling fun, awesome author.

And the cool thing about Em (can I call you Em, Em?) is that she is so real, and down to earth, and very much appreciative and deserving of the successes she has enjoyed as an author. She asks the audience questions, and truly cares about what they think and what they are doing and why they want to be a writer. And she confided to Swish and me some things we were in complete agreement with, which further cemented our forever friendships!

Oh, the things I aspire to be…

I purchased these books at the festival. Go ahead and check them out, because they all look very fun. Okay, some are not fun. One is about a kid that gets killed by a jet-skiier, and one is about a swim team member being seduced by his coach, but still, the imaginary worlds are fun, and I’m looking forward to reading all these novels.

Love Monkey

All The Numbers

Bicoastal Babe


Oh, I’m sure Swish will expound on this little gem of the day, but there was this hottie poet signing books, and she and I and, hell, every woman under the age of 70 there, were checking him out. We almost bought the damn book just so we could go have him sign something of ours, but then we spotted it!

The gold band on his left hand.

Married! How dare he? However could we flirt? We mentioned his matrimonial status to one of the booksellers, and how we thought if he removed his ball-and-chain -- oops, I mean his ring --he would probably sell a whole lot more books. So, Miss Bookseller agreed and she went up to his publicist to quietly whisper to tell him that if he got the chance, he should remove his wedding band.

Turns out the so-assumed publicist was the poet’s wife!

Who brings his WIFE to a book festival? A very good-looking Italian man, that’s who! She’s a smart gal, she is.


You know, the excitement of the day got the best of us, but we did manage to meet up with Cubmommy for some fun conversation and eats, where I was able to enjoy my favorite of favorites, a caramel appletini, and the three of us decided that the evening was our very first ever Midwest Blog Festival, and that next year, in conjunction with the Midwest Literary Festival, we’ll hold the Second Annual Midwest Blog Festival.

Oh, and not only was it the first annual Midwest Blog Festival, party of three, but while we were out, we noticed a peculiar phenomenon about town. Apparently it was “Waitresses, Bring Out Your Fake Boobies Night!" Oh my gosh. You would so not believe the service industry that evening. It’s almost as if we wore a sign, “Please send us over the waitress with the most fake and largest implants ever! And while you’re at it, make her lean forward so we can glimpse into the crevasse and wonder how in the hell those things are staying in place with nothing to hold them!” Oh, I know, cuz THEY’RE FAKE!

(Sidenote: men readers, please chime in on this one—do you enjoy the feel and texture of fake ones? Cuz if so, men can start fondling those colorful bouncy rubber balls you can get at the drug store for a buck-ninety-nine. What.Is.The.Point?)

And women, if you’re out there with some fake ones, I mean no disrespect. I so understand getting them for the self-esteem issue, but come on, let’s just take the old tire pump out and fill those suckers up right before we attempt to make nicey-nice with customers looking only for a nice caramel appletini and a salad!

I’m so done with that. You men might be ‘down’ with that. But I’m done with that.

Continuing along, ta-tas aside…

And all the while we willed my cell phone to ring with Emily’s request to come meet her out because she just can’t stand partying and having fun without her biggest fans, right! Wrong. The call never came, but don’t worry Emily, you are still our favorite in the whole world. I know you were probably exhausted from smiling so damn much all day long, and you needed to see your babies, and you were just plain old tired. I can’t wait to someday get that exhausted, and I promise I will be as nice and kind and spend time with loser fans who want to sell my sweater on eBay too!

Seeing you and hanging out for the little bit we got to is comparable to someone seeking out their favorite rock band and singing up on stage with them. Kinda like singing Don’t Stop Believin’ with Journey! Yea.

The next day, Swish and I took Diva, Ajers, and Tukey for a walk/bike ride to Starbucks while hubby got some R&R he really deserved. The kids adore her. She is like a fun aunt who swooshes in and delights them all, plays with them, tickles them, tackles them, tells them silly stories. The kids couldn’t get enough Swish, that’s for sure. Even tonight, Diva asked if she could write Swish an email. And last night, she did practically cry herself to sleep because she missed her. See, the internet can bring about some very good friends, and Swish and I get along so well because of the passion we share for books and writing, and having some fun and laughter.

Then later, we went to a friend’s home, and I was so caught up in the Swishfest that I began behaving about a decade younger than I am (okay, two decades younger), and acting like an idiot in front of some people. I think I thought I was trying to be cool, and I ended up acting like a capital I*D*I*O*T.

I really disrespected myself and my husband, and made a fool of myself and the saddest aspect of this foolishness was that I couldn’t even blame it on alcohol! So, even though I know hubby does not read this, nor does the person whom I embarrassed myself in front of, this is a blogpology, in case you do pop into Manic’s house.

I’m sorry.

Anyway, as I said, there was no puking, no handcuffs, nothing crazy, but it was a fabulous weekend for me because I got to hang with some very cool blog chicks, meet some amazing up-and-coming new authors, and also, got to chat with Emily again, and I’m certain now our friendship is sealed in gold and cemented forever! Right Emily*, huh?

*Matchy-Matchy is Bitchy-Bitchy. So Bitchy-Bitchy!

Pizza As Big As Your Head,
And As Greasy As A Character's Face In Emily's Baby Proof:

First Annual Midwest Blogging Festival
Attendees, Committee Members, Voters, Organizers!

We're Not Worthy! We're Not Worthy!
Swish, Emily, Manic

Lovin' My Martini and Friends!
Manic and Cubmommy

Don't Ask:


Anonymous said...

sounds like soooooo Much fun!!!

And anyone named Emily has got to be cool ;)! ?


Anonymous said...

Okay just read swishy's post she said you were yakkng about all us bloggers now spill the dirt no holding back I want to hear what you had to say....


MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

True that girlfriend! Have you read Emily's books? YOU HAVE TO!
Something Borrowed, Something Blue, and Baby Proof.

They're awesome!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

RR--we only yakked about the boy-bloggers!

xxxx said...

Manic, you are so freaking hilarious. We have to plan our next one!

Everyone else: If you ever get the chance to hang with Manic, you should snatch it up!!! She is so much fun. Holy crap, I don't think I stopped laughing the entire time. And her kids and hubby are the best! (I forgot to mention this, but Hubby kept me from DYING on the way home!)

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Swish, he has that way with women, you know! LOLOL.

And right back atcha sister--it takes two to laugh like we did, and I hope we get the chance to laugh with others someday too!

Except not matchy-matchy!

Anonymous said...

too funny Manic!!!! Sure ya did talk about the boy bloggers... I think you should give up on RMartini as your blog boyfriend and go for hotwire!! LMAO....

You and swishy and family will have to come to Australia one day and I'll supply you with all the tim tams you can eat!!! And well throw a shrimp on the barbie (and see if she screams)


violetvirus said...

dat pizza was really H.U.G.E.!

Steve H said...

your forgot one thing on the list of gambling requirement: being connected to an oxygen tank.

also, real and small is better than big an fake...

gotta love that ramblin rose!

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Great pictures. And great post. I'm still cracking up. You ladies are a hoot.

Martini said...

I can't believe RR said that about girls are devious.

BTW....thanks for posting pics. They looked like you had fun.

Martini said...

BTW.....Big and Fake, Big and Real, Small and Fake, Small and Real....does it really matter?

It's the person that counts.


Trish Ryan said...

Suggesting to the publicist that the hot poet remove his wedding band...and it's his wife!

Priceless :)

Sharon Shiner said...

My eyes are doody brown as well....
My daughter, Louise, has brown eyes too. However, her hair is blonde and it really is a great pairing...

March2theSea said...

you wrote:
Sidenote: men readers, please chime in on this one—do you enjoy the feel and texture of fake ones? Cuz if so, men can start fondling those colorful bouncy rubber balls you can get at the drug store for a buck-ninety-nine. What.Is.The.Point?)

As a guy we do look and always look at big ones but 99% of the guys I talk to about "them" would rather just look than touch fake ones. We can't wait to touch em as "tweenagers" so why touch fake ones?! There really is no point to them other than vanity....I don't have any personal experience touching "fake ones" so I am by no means an expert.

Anonymous said...

So sorry I missed you, Manic Mom! I SO agree about the people at Hollywood Casino! The luncheon for the Writer's Workshop was held in the buffet there. I've never seen so much sad polyester in my life.

Anonymous said...

I am consumed with envy over your whole weekend. I have a secret girl crush on Emily Giffin because I think her books are amazing. sigh.

Anonymous said...

no free drinks at the casino? That is so wrong on so many levels.

You guys sound like the best bunch to hang with!

pog mo thoin said...

Loved this! Loved the pics too! Hopefully the shmoozing gets you some publisher that is falling all over you! You deserve it!

Anonymous said...

Apple caramel martini's sound delish...another one to add to my recipes.

Looks like you guys had a blast!

Blogger Festival '07 ? I am so there.

That last picture?...oh never mind...

Two Roads said...

Did you eat the whole thing? No points, right?

A wonderful girl time weekend!

Andie said...

ok, I'm so behind. Please forgive me for not keeping up lately.

But I've heard Emily Giffin's books are awesome. And I'm so totally jello that you met her.

and SWISH! i've always wondered what she looks like, and now I know! Looks like you guys had a blast!!!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

RR--LOL at the screaming shrimp on the barbie.

VV--Yep, that pizza is huge--you should see what a whole pie looks like!

Hotwire--True Dat about the oxygen tank!

R-Mar--I don't know what happened but in the original post, I mentioned that Cubmommy and I were dissing YOU because we wanted our prizes, and that if you still hadn't picked anything up, I saw some cute cactus planterns they ship and you put together the cactus plantern when it arrives. It was nice... hint hint!

Trish R--The poet was hot! He could read me his words anytime!

Sharon--Doody eyes are better--hides our windows to our souls more!

March -- I like how you think about the ta-ta dilema. Seems like there are a lot of smart, kind men visiting Manic. Thanks!

Melanie--I totally checked out Tasha's photos and YOU HAVE HOT RED HAIR! It looks GREAT!

Eileen--Stay Away--she's MINE! hee hee. Gotta love those girl crushes.

MamaK--buttons are sooo flat and one-dimensional. Couldn't we be something else, like cute as a pyramid or a rhobobolus, or whatever those many-sided block-things are. I sucked at geometry.

Golightly--No drinks. It wasn't even like a real casino. No real coins, no drinks, and usually you at least win SOMETHING so they snag ya into staying and losing money, but NOTHING!

Pog--It's all about the networking! Swish and I were having so much fun, and we kept saying we HAD to do this for our careers!

Trish--The caramel appletinis are SO good there. They slather on the caramel inside the cup before they pour the cocktail.

Two Roads--Hell yeah, I ate the whole damn thing. It has to be more points in that one slice than I'm allowed in a whole day!

Anonymous said...

Phew! That was a post and a half, I had to get up and make a coffee halfway through! Glad you had such a fantastic weekend. I just checked the online catalogue at my library and we have Emily's books, something borrowed and something blue are available at the mo and my other books are due back today, so I'm heading straight there to check them out! have a fantastic rest of the week.
N :)

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Andie--her books are sooooo great. I can't even begin to tell you!

And isn't Swish a BABE!

Nicola--when you get the books, you have to read Something Borrowed first (the pink one) because Something Blue is the sequel. Let me know how much you love them!

Drewpy Drew said...

I am so hurt that you didn't yak about me. :(

In the casino, losing is just like winning only without the money.

And why no pictures of the fake ones?

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Drew, if it's any consolation, the chick with the fake ta-tas TOOK the picture of the three of us girls at dinner.

i didn't think it would be too appropriate to say, "Excuse me bimbo, mind if we take a picture of your implants because I know the guys who read my blog would LOVE to see them!" LOL

Anonymous said...

I have returned victorious! Not only did I find both the books (I almost missed out on one, till I discovered they have a whole ChickLit section) but there was not one, but TWO hot guys at the library!! WORKING at the library no less, I'm gonna have to start reading faster!! Thanks for the heads up on the sequence :)

The Dummy said...

Hey, you're pretty hot yourself! Don't worry about that pizza guy not paying any attention to you. Too much pizza makes you not think straight. Or see straight for that matter.

Jess Riley said...

Okay, I'm WAAAY late to this, but I do wish I'd joined you guys. There. I said it. LOL