Tuesday, May 15, 2007

This Just Happened In Real Life

So, I’m in the kitchen and cutting open an avocado which is about to go bad. I figure I’ll mix it up with some feta cheese and eat it with pretzels. We don’t have tomatoes. I usually put tomatoes in it too.

I slice it in two, twist it and pull it apart. Then I cut the one half like a graph. I always take the knife and make a row of cuts, then do the other side, so the pieces almost come out in cubes.

The next side is the side with the pit. If you’ve ever cut an avocado, to get the pit out, you stab at the hard core with a knife, twist it and pull the pit out.

I stab.

I miss the pit.

Instead, I hit another target I wasn’t aiming for.

I hit the flesh of my skin, right between my thumb and pointer finger, the fatty little spot that if you have a headache, you’re supposed to squeeze together in order to eliminate the headache.

It’s one of those pointed cuts, not a slice, but it feels deep and I feel like, “Oh my God, how bad is it. How bad is it bleeding? I didn’t want to look at it so I tell Diva I just cut myself and she runs to get me a band-aid while I grab paper towels and cover up the wound. So, I see that I am not hemorrhaging or even oozing blood but I feel a little nervous, and unsure, so I call my neighbor.

Neighbor First Choice doesn’t answer.

Neighbor Second Choice doesn’t answer.

Neighbor Third Choice, who should have been my first choice, answers her phone.

“Hi, I’m OK, but I just cut myself. I’m really OK, but I think I need an adult over here.”


Wonder-Neighbor is here in a flash. I let her in, then we sit on the stairs together. I explain, “I’m really OK, I shouldn’t have called. It’s not even bleedin…”

Then, Wonder-Neighbor looks at the ottoman and sees the weapons.

A camouflage gun and a 14-inch Ninja sword are on the couch. She looks at me, shocked, and then I realize, “She thinks I tried to commit suicide!”

“They’re fake!” I shout. And start laughing. I’m like, “Come on, ME? Do you really think I’d be that outta whack? My kids are here! They’re fake! They’re toys!”

And then we start cracking up over the absurdity that I just happen to call her for help, and that there are TWO weapons, which I am one of those moms who didn’t let her kid have one of those paddles with the ball stuck there with a string for fear it could take someone’s eye out. I always scowl at the thought of them playing with weapons, and here, very conveniently, are TWO weapons, and it looks like I am making a serious cry for help!

We put some cream on my 1/8 of an inch wound, which obviously, I am fine because I can type this up like the chick in the courtroom types – fast and furious – and then I stick a band-aid on it.

I tell her thanks, I love you, she loves me. We have a great neighborhood, and of course, then we laugh full-well knowing I would never do anything crazy like that in my entire life, not even if 40 Weeks never sells! Winka winka.

It’s about a half-hour later and the doorbell rings. It’s Wonder-Neighbor again.

“I just wanted to come over to check to make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m fine!”

Then she eyes the toy weapons again, and we look at each other and laugh.

“I told Katie and Jeff (not her children’s real names) about it. They said, ‘Are you sure the knife wasn’t real, mom? You should go back and check!’”

Aw, come on! I have got way better things to do with my life than contemplate suicide!

All joking aside, if you do ever feel like there’s no other option, please get help. Things might be shitty, but there’s always help, and, most importantly, there’s always HOPE. If you do need help, go here: Suicide Prevention or call 1-800-273-TALK

This has been a Public Service Announcement from Manic Mom.


Piddler said...

You really do crack me up.

Keep up the positive thinking. It works for you.

Kari Lee Townsend said...

OMG that would be something that happens to me. Love the pictures in your last post. I've been so out of touch lately, but always thinking of you. Wishing you well;)))

Anonymous said...

Loving the secret working for you! I am doing something similar, shoot me an email and I'll fill you in. Looks like summer weather is making it's way up from TX! Hard to believe it was snowing there just a few weeks ago!

xxxx said...

Come on. Our Manic would think of something MUCH more creative than a stupid knife :)

Monnik said...

I can always count on your blog to crack me up. That's so totally something I would pull on my own neighbors. Except that one of my neighbors wouldn't have the sense of humor that yours did... :)

Monnik said...

Oh, and to go with the theme swishy sort of started, if I were going to off myself (and I'm not, so don't worry), I'd go to the top of something with a spectacular view and see what it's like to fly for several seconds. Of course I'd make sure that there wasn't any chance at all of a person or animal being beneath me when I landed...

Kate said...

First, I am so glad that you are okay!

Second, that is so totally something I would do. In fact, I have considered that perhaps whacking towards my hand with a big knife is not a good idea. Now I may actually quit doing it because every time I'm going to think, hey, dumbass, manic almost cut off her thumb, you'll be lucky to keep your entire hand.

Third, thanks for the PSA. My life has taken an unscheduled turn through Depressiontown and my friends have been my salvation. Oh, and the Wellbutrin. It's also inspired me to be there for friends who are struggling also. Strangely, even when you feel hopeless, you really can help someone else. And that helps. Also, you and the camo gun and ninja sword. Never one to do things by halves, our Manic.

Thanks again for the laughs!

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trish Ryan said...

Did you show the neighbor the avacado? She might have believed you then. Who could contemplate self-harm when there is feta-quacamole to be had??? (Great idea, btw - can't wait to try it)

Glad you're okay and typing!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

OK, wait. Did some of you think I PLANTED the weapons there? Cuz I didn't!! They were just conveniently there!

Love that some of you call me "Our Manic!" and of course, I'd be more creative than that, and the post would involve a fabulous pre-suicide meal of Alaskan King Crab legs, lobster, filet mignon, tons of butter, probably a Gotta Love It cake batter ice cream with extra brownies, caramel and hot fudge.

For me, not that I'm ever going to do it, but my choice of axing myself would be nice and cozy in my car in the garage. Simple, not messy.

And yes, the avocado, feta stuff is DIVINE! The real recipe calls for tomatoes, and then red onion, garlic, oregano, some olive oil and vinegar. But I can't cook so I just use those first three ingredients.

Kari--I know you're around!
Kate--be well! School's almost out!

Patti said...

instead of stabbing the pit, we here in the texas sticks, like to bring the knife's full blade down on it with a "thwack". the pit then is stuck in a larger portion of the blade...less chance of having to call the neighbor's and having them see your suicide weapons stash.

Stephanie J. Blake said...

You're so damn funny. I don't want to kill myself. I might miss something.

Last night, in a fit of rage, I wanted to throw my dishes around the kitchen, stomp upstairs and take a shower by myself.

I couldn't do any of it because A. The dishes were all in the dishwasher, which was running, I was too tired to stomp, and 3. I have 3 kids who think a closed door is something to cry and scream over.

So, I crawled into bed and watched FRIENDS episodes until I fell asleep sometime after 8.

The cause of all the angst? My naughty children who are ripping the sanity from my life on a daily basis.

I feel better now.

Jenster said...

I LOVE neighbors like that! They're the best.

LOL on the weapons. An attorney I worked for years ago represented two 20-year-olds who had been arrested for possession of semi-automatic firearms, but they were only water guns! LOL

Glad your injury wasn't life threatnening or anything like that!

Angel said...

you crack me up! there is never a dull moment in your house, huh? :)

Frannie Farmer said...

Like Kari said -- that is sooo something that would/does happen to me. I swear I cut myself at least once a week -- I am not even sure if I would go to the hospital at thei point (of I needed stiches) because I would be afraid that they would want to keep me over for an *evaluation* ... no thanks!
Glad you got cold stone for Mother's day! YUM!

Beth said...

That's so funny! No so much the part when you cut your finger (Sorry about that!), but the part about "trying to kill yourself" with children's toys. Glad you're ok, though.

Travis Erwin said...

Green food is the Devil!

I don't eat lettuce, brussel sprouts, green beans, peas or Avacodos for a variety of reasons.
Thanks for adding another.

Alicia said...

The suicide hotline is for babies.
When I feel blue I just pour another martini.

Next time put the avacado on the counter before you stab it, okay?

Sugarmama said...

Ditto Patti's method--the flat of the blade for sticking the pit, not the point--ouch!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Sugarmama and Patti--I still don't get this--like smash the pit like you do when you crush a garlic clove? I will have to try it.

And, btw, the puncture wound has practically closed totally up! What a hypochondriac I am!

Rusty Nails said...

Um, I do believe Alton Brown recommends using a spoon to remove the pit of an avocado. Just glad you weren't using a cleaver?!

Nice of you to post the hotline info. It's a good reminder and you have a good neighbor to check up on you. Too often I hear (after a suicide)"Wow, I thought there was something wrong." But they never asked.

Have good rest of your week!

Hello from Julia said...

Your writing is great. Hooks you from one line to the next. I'm so glad I clicked on you today (via prettyinthecity). Take it easy!

Jess Riley said...

Ouch!!! Glad you're well enough to share this amusing anecdote with us.

(PS: I miss you and Swish! We need to get together soon.)

airplanejayne said...

I think you should take something over to wonder-neighbor to thank her.

but you MUST wear the ninja sword....REALLY!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

airplanejane--I'm thinking I might have to wear a whole Ninja costume!

OhTheJoys said...

I did the exact same thing two years ago preparing a salad to take to my friends seder. She said, "silly Gentile, you don't need to acheive stigmata for passover."

domestic_valerie said...

Ditto on NOT sticking the avocado pit with the knife tip! No No NO!

My very bestest BFF did that right before her big Halloween party once and spent the rest of the night in the emergency room needing stitches.

Use a big spoon...or I do like hitting the pit with the blade across the pit...not quite like chopping garlic...but close.

Ah. The joys of cooking. I am partial to caramel burns myself.

Anonymous said...

Alicia, I know you were kidding, and Manic's place is fun, but:

"The suicide hotline is for babies.
When I feel blue I just pour another martini.

Not the best quip.