Monday, June 18, 2007

No Title For This One

This post is going to be a mishmash because in order to organize all the commentary, it will just take too much out of me, and the damn vacation already took all it could from my soul, my bones, my weary traveling bod. Without further adieu, as best as I can relay it, I bring you:

Manic’s Trip to Hell and Back…

Typos and all because I'm too lazy to go back and edit this sucker...

Observations and Facts.
This post will be devoid of emotion. Create your own conclusions.

Flew to Florida with KC and the Sunshine Band. Broke out into "I'm Your Boogey-Man" and "Do a Little Dance" every chance we got on the flight.

At one point on the flight, I’m sitting next to Mrs. Friend-Of-Manic and I look across the aisle at her son. He’s sitting there with a coloring book and FOUR-INCH sharp scissors! I’m like, “Uh, check out your son!”

We urge him to put them away, and when he asks why, we whisper-yell across the aisle that it is a weapon. The kid is like, “How are scissors a weapon?”

We are cracking up at this point, and actually pretty shocked that my seven ounce bottle of 50 SPF sunscreen got confiscated while he trekked right through security with an item that could gouge out the pilot’s eyes, plummeting us all to an untimely death (But wait, now that I think about it, death prior to Disney might not have been untimely. It might have been a blessing!)

Yes, you heard that right, Manic HATED Disney. More later.

Mr. Manic and Mr. Friend-Of-Manic's drunk by the time the flight departed at 1:00 p.m.

Crashed The Academy of the Holy Names (aka The Academy of the Horny Dames) 20th High School Reunion Saturday night.Partied with people I have known since we were about five, including BF cutie-pie AM and her hubby.

I am fat.

But not as fat as probably 80 percent of the people at Disney.

The Disney organization is a well-run machine. The whole thing is a machine. I hated it. Hated the crowds. Hated the lines. Was thankful Mrs. Friend-Of-Manic's is smart enough to know how the FastPass works so we could get through the shit quicker. Felt sick after going on the very first ride at DinoWorld at Animal Kingdom.


Father has been drinking. Nothing new in Manic’s family.
Father calls a daughter a bitch.
Father calls his dog a bitch.
Is there a difference?
Daughter cries.
Daughter has PMS.

Sorted through boxes in a steamy attic searching for old memorabilia, specifically my Judy Blume collection I know I never gave away.
Found none of them.
Sweated my ass off.

Happiest moment of the trip: seeing this sign at Disney:


Tukey infested with bug bites.
Visit to the First Aid office at Magic Kingdom.
Manic cries. Nurse tells Manic not to cry; it'll upset the child.
Manic still cries. She is fighting with Hubby. She is hot. She hates Disney World. Her son is in pain from infected bug bites all over his body.


Children prance around her. Eating ice cream. She wants to smack the kids around her.
Disney World is the stupidest place on the entire face of the earth. Even stupider than Curves and Salad restaurants and Massage Envy places and Beading Stores and Scrapbooking stores.
Disney World is a cult. It's like a corral of cows being moved from one spot to another with no destination in mind.


The food at Disney World is good.

The service at Disney World is impeccable.

I still hate the place.

I wonder what the most sought-out after job is there--Mickey? The Flying Tinkerbell during the fireworks show? The woman cleaning the toilets? The guys stuck outside in the steaming heat of June locking people into place before they take the plunge of their lives off some stupid roller coaster.

The person who has to sell balloons? What do they do with the balloons at the end of the day if there are some left?
I wonder what it takes to get a job at Disney? A winning personality? Charm? Wit? Anyone who applies? I look at the people and wonder, "Are they for real?"

On the plane on the way home, this is what I wrote:

So, I thought I’d try to just state the facts and make some vacation observations and make this post devoid of emotion. Let’s see where this takes us. We are 30,000 feet in the air, and as an oxymoron, I have swallowed a Xanax to relax me while sucking down a grandenonfatsugarfreevanillaiced latte. Caffeine and Xanax. A winning mix. Like ordering the Big Mac combo with a diet coke. Pointless.

Anyway, the trip. It’s like this – you know how when you have a really bad break-up with a boy you thought you loved? Life sucks. You’re miserable. Nothing will make things better. Or, when you’re in that transition stage of labor and you’ve never experienced so much pain in your entire life?

Well that, my friends, is Disney World.

You’re in the middle of the heat and the lines and the cheery cast members you just want to bash in the head and the begging for icecream and the souvenirs and the kids whining and you’re thinking why the hell am I here, and how on earth do people enjoy this, and do families really use their life savings to subject themselves to this torture, some even coming back every single year. Why? And why are there chicks all made up with caked up made-up faces, done-up hair, their best clothes – long pants for God’s sake! And why do people take their INFANTS to this place? And why do newlyweds walk around wearing bride Minnie veils and groom Mickey tophat ears. What kind of man wants to walk around Disney showing all the other men in the place that he is so whipped-in-love that he’ll wear an Ear Hat like that? Man, I wish I had snagged me one of these guys.

And, its seriously like a cult. And everyone’s being corralled into the next ride. Get in, get out, get in line for another miserable, hot, dreadful, whiny 30 minutes or more to wait for the God-awful Lilo and Stitch experience while your son is crying because he has been bitten to death practically by some foreign bugs and he has an allergic reaction to the bites, and he wants to be held and he’s 50+ pounds and it’s 90+ degrees out and he just wants to go home, but DAMMIT we are at DISNEY-FREAKING-WORLD so we’re going to enjoy this and go on this Lilo and Stitch ride where they trap you in, lock you up, turn the lights off and three-quarters of the room are children under the age of five, and they’re all SCREAMING simultaneously terrified of the dark and the smoke and the scary noises and children and parents come out of there petrified and crying and angry that this is supposed to be fun but it’s scaring the hell out of these children who are supposed to be having the time of their lives.

THIS IS FUN?

And, Mrs. Friend-Of-Manic said it best when she said Disney needed a new slogan. “Where Dreams Come True” just doesn’t cut it. It’s “Where Dreams Come True and Divorce and Murder is Contemplated.”

You know what. There’s more to write about, like how my Uncle Godfather, who I love dearly but who can be legally considered an alcoholic (Hell, it’s OK to write this—he’d tell you straight to your face if you met him)… well, dear Uncle ends up in the hospital on Tuesday while his granddaughter (my first cousins daughter, whom, additionally, I love dearly) spent four of the days with us, (Which thank God she is a darling doll and a joy to be around, but here’s the other thing—I could never adopt a child because I am for positively sure I would be nicer to that kid than to my biological children.

And, yes, there’s more, like how the day after our Magic Kingdom day we hung out at the pool/bar resort from 1 p.m. to 10 where the kids swam, we drank, the kids got airbrushed tattoos, played bingo, flew down water slides, drank slushies, ate hotdogs and other crap, sang karaoke (Ajers went first and blasted out We Will Rock You. Hubby and Mr. Friend-Of-Manic sang I'm Your Boogeyman in honor of our brush with KC and the Sunshine Band, and Diva and daughter of Friend-of-Manic and Mrs. Friend-Of-Manic sang This One's For The Girls)...The bar tab that day was $360 with tip for all of us, which was about half the amount we spent per family at Magic Slingdom and we had a whole helluva lot more fun!

But I’m starting to not make sense. I did however ship my kids off today (we got home yesterday) to Vacation Bible School and had three hours to myself in a Starbucks where I wrote 3,000 words for my next book. And that three hours was so relaxing, and enjoying, and I listened to my itunes, and one song in particular from Swishy’s Gray’s Anatomy tape (All I Need) and like Swishy, I played it over and over and over and over because it just helped the words to flow out of me and I was doing it, I was writing, and it felt awesome and when I picked up the kids I was like, wow, that three hours was like the best time I had in two weeks, and I guess it was all because I was writing again, and it felt great.

ALSO, went back to Weight Watchers today. Got weighed, but too scared to look at the number in my book.

OK, I am about to fall over. But, as you can all see, I am back, and in full swing, and oh yeah, only ONE person entered my bubblegum blowing contest and that one person has won so I will put up the pictures later, and I do think there is much more to say and I’m sure I can keep typing and stuff will come out because I am like a hose that will not stop spraying right now because I have missed all of this and I am tired, and I am getting up tomorrow a.m. to power walk at 6:30 and I will stick to my points again, and I will work on my writing, and just as like labor, and broken hearts, Disney will become a faint memory and it won’t hurt so much later on.

25 comments:

The Anti-Wife said...

Take another Xanax and blog again in the morning!

Kate said...

Okay, I was going to be glad for our sakes that you are back, but now I'm glad for your sake.

Xanax, a long walk tomorrow, and being back in the real world, you'll get back to normal before too long. I had a friend who worked for Disney in college. She was scarred. The 7 dwarfs had a better life than she did.

I'm so sorry, honey. You're a good mom for doing this for your kids. Once. ;)

www.ramble-on-rose.com said...

what a vacation... So glad your back.... And hey you did your parental duty taking the kids to Disney world.. now get on the net and order yourself some low fat tim tams!!! :)
www.ramble-on-rose.com

ramblin rose

DJ Kirkby said...

You. Are. Not. Fat!!!! congrats on getting those 3000 words down (I am just a teensy smidgeon of a bit jealous!Nope I am very jealous!) Nice to have you back in blogland...

Monnik said...

uh-oh...

We're going to Disney in March. Over Spring Freaking Break. You are not making me want to go. At all... Oh, and we're driving. And we live in Iowa.

Glad you're back, though!

Beth said...

OMG, that is why I NEVER want to go to disney World. My best friend goes almost every. single. year.....and they LOVE it. I have no desire to stand in the heat all day long for a 30 second ride. No sir, not me.

The drinking and singing sounds fun tho!

glad you made it back in one piece with relative sanity left to write your book!

Colorado Writer said...

OMG. I am so sorry. Thanks for taking 1 for the team.

There is no way in H-E-L-L that I will take my family there. A trip to San Diego/Sea World last year was bad enough. Our then 18 mo wouldn't sit in a restaurant and it rained the whole time. My hubby and I almost got a divorce!

OH and we took the kids to the Bahamas once. No one told us that you can't go out after dark. We had a crappy hotel room with 3 TV channels. Oy!

You are not fat. Stop saying that! Remember the secret? But, for today, you need to spoil yourself with another 3 hours of writing and some more Starbucks.

I have to take my kids to a movie theater today. I promised. Bet we last 20 minutes.

cubmommy said...

I would rather give birth then go to Disney World. I hate crowds and heat. Sounds like it was hell on earth. Big Cubby has mentioned interest in going but luckily they are still too little go.

Hubby hates Disney.

Welcome back and I hope you get some rest.

Doctor's appointment today wish me luck.

Travis Erwin said...

Okay I'm goin going to be the dissenter here.

Last April I loaded my wife, five year old son, three year old son, and my mother into the SUV and embarked on a two week, nearly thirty-five hundred roundtrip journey to Disney World ... And

We loved every minute of it. Not a single day goes by that my kids do not ask when we can go back.(which wil be next October by the way)

The key is I said April and October. Not June through August wehn it is hot as hell and every last person in the world is there. Not spring break. Bite the bulltet. Take the kids out of school and go during the offtimes.

We never waited mroe than fifteen minutes for a ride. We still got to swim and enjoy all the rides. We planned ahead and signed the boys up for pirate cruises, cooking classe and other activities that gave us a bit of free adult time to take a breath. And in my opinion staying at a Disney Resort is a must as is partaking int he dining package.

Manic, sorry you had a miserable time, but at least it is behind you. Hope your next family trip goes much better, but you might wanna try Disney again under differnet circumstances.

Patti said...

here's what kind of mommy i am: i told boy when he was young that we would not be going to disney anything world, that i was doing him a favor, that it was an evil place. to this day (he is 23) he tells people how his parent's killed his childhood by not letting him have this passage. i respond: fine, you take your kiddos, but you'll see that i was right...

and that pick of the fam...made me laugh. you all look like you are planning a prison break...

Trish Ryan said...

Welcome back - you were missed.
I wasn't a fan of Disney when I went, and I didn't have small kids with me to keep track of in all those hot crowds. It's to unthinkably awful. So glad you survived!

Bring the Manic family to Cape Cod next summer :)

TTQ said...

You know you asked what the most sought after jobs were..Well, they aren't jobs they are "parts", that's right you can be a CAST member even if you clean toilets. Disney even has a Union. Don't fuck with them. You have to audition to get a "part" oh and you can wear mascara but not eyeliner. I suppose the same goes for the lips, no lipliner or brightly colored shades. Oh and the people in those costumes? It gets so hot they sometimes barf in them. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Honey had me check out Disney Cruises lines this year, and I was like you can't be serious.. and promptly booked us a nice balcony stateroom on Royal Carribean.

Last time I was at Disney I had a broken leg and was in a wheelchair..now that's the way to see it, I got to skip all the lines and I was on heavy painkillers. It was great. Seriously, there is no other way to go there.

Jenster said...

So Disney wasn't the Happiest Place On Earth?? At least you never have to go back (do you?)

BTW - I started back on W.W. last week. I speed by Starbucks now. :o(

Amy W said...

Wow. Sorry the vacation was so horrible, but the heat/lines/whatever? That's why I never go to Disney in the summer...

But it's definitely a vacation you need a vacation from.

In-Between Panic Attacks said...

If you ever contemplate going again, go in October.

Aside, we went to Hong Kong Disneyland while we were in China in March. There was no line for Space Mountain, and that was pretty much the biggest baddest ride they had- it was like the Mini-Me version of Disney. We were done in like, four hours. So, if you cant swing Orlando in October, go the China in March.

Kelly said...

Manic. I have the PERFECT "article" for you. Please, please take the time to read it. Then pass it on to the other adults who were with you. I think you will ALL appreciate it.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38894

I think writing and power walking will calm you down after about two weeks. Keep at it!!!

Anonymous said...

sis,
At least you are home! "There's no place like home, there's no place like home!"
Can't remember who said it, but, you might enjoy Disney at off times! It is exhausting, and when you have to wait in line and it's 9 million degrees, it REALLY SUCKS! Just think, another fun filled family vacation is right around the corner - here we come DOVER! Love ya, mean it!
Fly

XYZinn said...

Oh my gosh, that sounds like pure hell!! Parents will do anything for their kids, right? Did you know Disneyworld is the size of San Francisco? That's what I heard anyway. There is way too much to do there...it would drive me insane. AND why would you want to work there and wear one of those horrible costumes in the heat! I do not understand that.
I can't wait until my kids can go to Bible school and I can have 3 hours to myself!!

Kelli in the Mirror said...

Okay, I still want to go. Even after all that. But now you've convinced me to not go in the summer.

I'm sorry it sucked for you.

The Anti-Wife said...

I love Disney World. I agree with Travis - you have to go in the shoulder seasons. Yank those kids out of school and make them have fun. No heat and no waiting in lines.

M-I-C See ya real soon!
K-E-Y Why, because we like you!
M-O-U-S-E!

The Anti-Wife said...

Hey, have you recovered yet? My house is painted and it looks great. Pictures on my blog!

eatmisery said...

Wow! After reading that post, I don't ever want to take my kids to Disney! Thanks for the heads-up!

Beth said...

Did Disney World once.
Survived it.
Never went again. And won't.
Glad to hear there are others who simply hated it.

March to the Sea said...

i was telling my wife about this post last night as we were making the bed (us crazy kids!). We are hoping to do a Disney trip w/our kids soon..but man you scared the living hell out of me. I went as a snr. in highschool for the first time. We honeymoon'd there as well..but I didn't wear one of those hats.

Sorry the vacation was hell..but wow..great read.

Manic Mom said...

March--I'm so glad you didn't wear one of those hats!!! : )