Tuesday, August 17, 2010

oTheR DayS SuCK Too

So it's quiet here and I wasn't going to blog again so soon, but why not, right? Mr is out of town, and that is very quickly becoming the norm around here. I'm learning to be independent again, and not that I'm thrilled with it, but I'm dealing with it. He's not gone a ton, but more than we're all used to. There's a shift in the family dynamic. Well duh. Our whole freaking lives have shifted. I'm just going to put it out there. No freaking duh.

So school. I came home and cried. Then I was OK. Then a friend would call and see how I was, and then I'd start crying. Then I met up with a very nice woman who has also just relocated here for the same company and who is going through the exact same thing as I, and we went for manicures and laughed and griped and felt lots better. Two very nice women chatted with us and I scored TWO phone numbers. I remember when Ajers was one year old and we had just moved to Philadelphia and I knew NOT ONE SOUL there. I took him to The Little Gym and all I wanted in my whole life more than anything was to make a friend. And the most exciting thing was when I got a girl's phone number.

Yesterday, I got two! Hee hee.

Then, after manicures, we met up with another new friend and the three of us had a great lunch and we laughed and talked and it was just really nice to feel NORMAL. It wasn't like any of us had to force conversation. SUCH a relief to be with women I could relate to, girls who are not fake. Don't get me wrong. I have not met ANY fake women yet--I have been SOOO lucky! So that was a plus about yesterday.

HOWEVER ... after school ...

I went to pick up the kids and Diva and Tukey came out of school and Tukey said, "I like the school. It's not as good as Meadow Glens, but I like it." I told him that made me sooo happy. Diva told me she "loved, loved, loved" her teacher and her class. So, they both seemed very happy.

Ajers, he's a no-brainer. Everything with him was great, as I knew it would be. He loved it all. Hot girls everywhere, etc. Great classes. Not a problem there.

Then, last night, Tukey admitted, "I don't really like the school, I just said that to make you happy. I hate Arizona. I miss Illinois." Heart smack dab crushed.

I held him in his bed as he cried himself to sleep. This morning, we tried to role-play to get him to talk to some of the kids. To ask them questions at lunch, like, how about, "Hey, do you guys get any snakes or DEAD HEADLESS BUNNIES in your yards?" Cuz don't you think those are good conversation starters, and great ways to make new friends? I sure as heck do!

I know it will just take time with him. He is sooo used to being outside playing with all his friends from Illinois, skateboarding, shooting hoops, riding his bike. He has been stuck indoors for the last two-and-a-half months doing NOTHING. They're tired of swimming. Tired of Simpson reruns. Tired of sitting around this house staring at one another. I know when the weather breaks, it will be just like how it was in Illinois when Spring sprang; all glorious and full of promise and beautiful. I just want him to feel that now. It's so sad to see your kid unhappy when all you want to do is give him the very best in life.

And Diva, while she is loving things so far, or so I think, she is still a scared little girl. SHe misses her friends from Illinois. She told me she shakes when she drinks from her water bottle in class. I told her, "Just remember, when you are at school, I am really just five houses away, and that you are safe, and that you are not going to be hurt, and that I am thinking of you." She's just nervous about the whole new environment. Everything here is so new and scary to all of them.

When we arrive at school, there are a ton of kids playing basketball or soccer, and we walk up and know like 2 people. That's it. TWO people right now. They are in foreign territory, and it's scary as heck. I want them to feel like they did at their old school, like they can jump right in and know the names of each and every teacher they see, and that each teacher will know our family. I want it to be how when we left Meadow Glens, the secretary told me she had to erase my name from like 20 other family's emergency contact cards. I want that. Here. It's going to take a while. For all of us.

I get that. I know. I've done this before. It just takes time. It's exhausting to rebuild a life. It's totally exhausting to be upbeat for your kids, to try to keep them focused and happy, to show them love and joy and to make them understand that this is all good for them, and that this move is a good thing. It was the only option that we had for our family. It was the right choice, the ONLY choice for our family, and someday soon, hopefully very soon, we will have all clicked into the groove, and one day, when we say, "it's time to walk home from school," it will really feel like we are walking home.


~L0SERM0M~ said...

=( I don't think I have read anything from you that was so emotionally charged with sadness. And remember I have read EVERY SINGLE one of your posts. Steph, this really got to me. I feel for you and for your kids. It hurts us horribly when our kids are so upset, especially when we are struggling w/ the same issues. I have never been in your situation nor do I EVER want to be. You are a STRONG woman and THAT makes strong kids...Good Luck on your journey. I want you to come back to this EXACT entry in 1 year, reread it, and I hope that it will be just a smidgen in you and your kids memories :) ((hugs))

Travis Erwin said...

Once upon a time getting a girls hone number was an exciting event for me as well.

Kathie said...

You're doing great! I know what it feels like when a kid tells you he's pretending to enjoy something or donor all just to please mom...knife in the heart there. You'll be feeling great before u know it!

Kathie said...

"doing it at all" was what I meant to say--fumble fingers on the phone here.

La Bella Baskets said...

I bet it will get a little better every day. It's hard not to compare this to your old, comfortable life, but it will get better. Your kids will make good friends there soon.

Heidi @ Decor & More said...

I know you've started over before, but it's harder when your kids are the ages they are. This just stinks for all of you right now. But it won't forever. Hang in there... before you know it, you'll be on 20 families' emergency cards again -- and saying to yourself: "remember when we didn't know anybody?" :).

Together We Save said...

Sorry you are in a doing it all stage!! I have been there and it sucks!

DawnfromCA said...

Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry. I just wish you lived down the street so you could come down and hang with me and my kids could introduce your kids to all their friends, and you could join my book club, and we could walk to Starbucks, and the school is right across the street, etc., etc.,
Ok, I know none of that is possible but I just hope you guys find your groove soon.
Thinking of you!!