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1:50 p.m. It’s Day Three of Butt-Sitting-In-Chair and I really don’t want to write. I am feeling, not a writer’s block, but a rut, and how can this be? This is what I want to do. I need to figure some things out with my storyline. There are at least three separate parts to it. The 1988 part. The 2009 part where Marnie is married. And then the 2009 part where Marnie is reconnected with her 1988 “Luvah”… that one who got away who maybe should have never got away, but maybe he should have? Maybe he should have never been? How would her life been different had she never met him? How would she have been a different person had she never had the experiences in her life with him? What kind of person would she have become had she not met him the night he wanted to pull her panties from her 19-year-old body?
These are the kinds of questions I ask myself as I sit down to try to wrestle with this writing thing. And then I wonder how is the second part of this book going to match up with the exciting first part of the book, which to me is really steamy and full of emotion and just what that first time stuff really feels like. And I don’t know if I can bring that kind of stuff into the second part. And I’m wondering if I should alternate chapters… go with a 1988 chapter, then switch to a 2009 chapter where Marnie is grappling with a loss, and dealing with two young sons, and a husband who is… well, what is he? His name is Stuart, I know this. I think he might be in aviation. He is maybe a pilot. Someone who is out of town a lot. And sidenote. I love, love, love this song: I Saw, By Matt Nathanson, and I think I will put a clip of it here if I can find one on Youtube.
[Okay, I found so many of them (after I wrote this of course, that I spent about another half-hour listening and watching. His music is just beautiful, and inspires my writing! This is how I want my characters to live, breathe and feel!]
Does this count as my writing fiction, because maybe this is kind of like my research? I’m researching my thoughts to try to figure out what I’m going to write about, and I’m also going to just post this as my blog post. So yes, this is how my mind is currently working. It’s quiet here, and I’ve got to get it figured out. I’ve got to write. And by the way, WHERE IS ALL THAT FREAKING BLOOD! Where is all the giving that I know you all have in you?
OK, so Stuart is a loving husband, but I think that maybe he might be a little insensitive, like how most guys are, like they don’t know they’re insensitive, they just are. Maybe it’s because they’ve just been married too long, are just too comfortable with the routine, and just are too expectant of one another, and Stuart and Marnie take one another for granted. And of course, with any novel, she is wanting something more. What is it that she wants. What is it that she wants out of life? OK, and here’s another song playing, and it’s another one by Matt Nathanson, and it’s a good one too. Nope, wrong, Mat Kearney, Breathe In, Breathe Out:
This is the music that helps me think.
So, I think Marnie wants to be loved in her marriage. Yet she wants those feelings from 1988, where everything was a what if, but those are scary feelings too, but also exciting feelings, but she was scared back then too, and some terrible things happened to her then too, and why would she want to dredge up the bad stuff, when even though her life is boring now, it’s also a safe and calm environment. She’s got a loving husband, two good kids, even if they are hyperactive young boys (what boys are not hyperactive?)… what is she searching for that she doesn’t have? And am I secretly searching for these things as well? That’s what I wonder sometimes too? Is the fiction that I’m writing really an extension of some things in my life that I feel I have missed out on so I feel like I need to recreate those environments in my writing so I can live through my characters somehow?
I don’t know. All I know is that I just wrote all of this in 11 minutes and I don’t know if I’m any closer to figuring anything else out. But I wrote something. So, I guess that’s good.
And if you took the time to listen to the Breathe In, Breathe Out video, you’ll hear the first words:
Breathe in, breathe out, tell me all of your doubt, everybody bleeds this way, just the same. Out of all the songs in the entire world for me to be listening to today, completely and honestly randomly, THIS one has a message in it, about bleeding.
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