Vasectomy

My friend’s husband just got the big “V” last week, and I asked the appropriate questions required of me:

“Is he OK?”

“What’s it look like?”

“Did they swell the size of eggplants?”

“Is it now the color of eggplant?”

“Is he being a big baby?”

“Do you have any extra vicodin?”

“Peas or corn?”

“How many times will he have to do it in a cup?”

“Were you in the room with him?”

She was not in the room with him.

“WHY weren’t you in the room with him?”

I am definitely going to request I be in the room with Mr. Manic when his time comes, because my friend told me a little secret – smoke comes out of “their them yonders” when they do the procedure.

I sooo want to see that.

Little streams of smoke wafting up like Native-American signals saying, “Hey, no worries down here, don’t send any help! You’re killing us all off though! But that’s OK, cuz now you can have all the sex you could ever imagine having any time you want.” Well, as long as the doors are locked and the kids are nowhere in sight and you’ve got a nice little buzz from a couple of margaritas or a couple glasses of wine, and he hasn’t been annoying you lately and you’re not too tired or full or crabby, and the moons are aligned and you don’t have your period and …

OK.

Plus, he got to see MY feet in stirrups – THREE times. It’s only fair, you know, that I should see him in stirrups!

And of course, I’ll hold his hand and tell him it’ll be over soon. Of course I would do that for Mr. Manic.

But ANYWAY, my friend said her husband said they had the radio on while they were zapping at his zoingoes, and yes, I just made up that word, and isn’t it a fun one? Zoingoes. “Zoin” rhymes with coin, and “goes” as in “He GOES to get a vasectomy.”

(Can I put that word on urbandictionary.com?)

My friend said her husband actually heard the song by the Rolling Stones, “You Make a Grown Man Cry” during his vasectomy which busted us both out in fits of laughter and then got us thinking about a great topic:

SONGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER YOUR VASECTOMY:

All The Small Things – Blink 182

Great Balls Of Fire – Jerry Lee Lewis

Beat It – Michael Jackson

Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls

Chop Me Up – Justin Timberlake

Come As You Are – Nirvana

Crank That – Soulja Boy

Crank Dat – DJ Godfather

Dancing “Queen” – ABBA

Daughters – John Mayer

Electric Blue (Balls!) – Icehouse

Everytime We Touch – Cascada

Fidelity – Regina Spektor

Fix You – Coldplay

Fix You Up – Tegan and Sara

Frizzle Fry – Primus

Gimme More – Britney Spears

“Headsprung” – LL Cool J

Here It Goes Again – OK GO

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar

How Far We’ve “Come” – Matchbox Twenty

How To Save A Life – The Frey

“Hung” Up – Madonna

“Taint”ed Love – “Soft” Cell

I’ve Got To See You Again – Norah Jones

I Could Have Lied – Red Hot Chili Peppers

I Don’t Need Her – The Outfield

I Grieve – Peter Gabriel

I Have The Touch – Peter Gabriel

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? – Oops, sorry, that’s not a song!

I Would For You – Jane’s Addiction

Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

If The World Crashes Down – Enrique Iglesias

It’s Only Love – Simply Red

It Ends Tonight – The All American Rejects

Just A Girl – No Doubt

Just Lose It – Eninem

Hanging By A Moment -- Lifehouse

(NO) Kids Of The Future – Jonas Brothers

Last Dance – Donna Summer

Let’s Go To Bed – The Cure

Lie In Our Graves – Dave Matthews Band

Lost In A Crowd – Rusted Root

Murder Of One – Counting Crows

Naked – The BoDeans

Never Again – Kelly Clarkson

No Chump Love Sucker – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You – Gloria Estefan

Rise Up And Walk – Poi Dog Pondering

Rock You Like A Hurricane – Scorpions

Smack That - Akon

Sabotage – Beastie Boys

Staying Alive – Bee Gees

That’s The Way I Like It – KC & The Sunshine Band

This Is My Now – Jordin Sparks

“Hard”en My Heart – Quarterflash

“Come” On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

This Is The Day – The The

Through The Fire And Flames – Dragonforce

Turn Me On – Norah Jones

We Be Burnin’ – Sean Paul

We Will Rock You – Queen / Michael Johns

Welcome To The Jungle – Guns N’ Roses

When The World Ends – Dave Matthews Band

Where Does The Good Go – Tegan and Sara

Wind it Up – Gwen Stefani

Witch Doctor – Alvin and the Chipmunks

I Want Your Sex – George Michael

The Shake Of Big Hands – Poi Dog Pondering

Shake That – Eminem

Snap And Roll – Soulja Boy

The Space Between – Dave Matthews Band

Nothing Left To Lose – Mat Kearney

Beast Of Burden – Rolling Stones

Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs

Release – Pearl Jam

Twist & Shout – The Isley Brothers

You Can’t Count On Me – Counting Crows

They’re Red Hot – Red Hot Chili Peppers

You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban

Most of these songs I got from my own iTunes library. I think I can create a Vasectomy’s Greatest Hits CD and sell it to the Vasectomy Docs. I’d make a killing! I know there are a ton of other good songs to add to this list, so share ‘em in the comments. Also, got any good vasectomy stories? Let’s talk appendages, shall we?

Here’s one song I thought of that men might like to hear during a vasectomy, and by the looks of the video, men might enjoy watching all the hot chicks, so boys, all three of you reading Manic Mommy, this one’s for you!



And in ever Manic fashion, I just have to leave you with my usual, and pun-intended ...

Peace UP!

"Booking" With Manic

Winners, Please email me at manicmommy@comcast.net with your full name and address so I can send you your books!

Rebecca at this reading is manic

Heather at casa de rice

Karla with a K

Shelley at SPepper22 won both books!

And here's the second part of "Booking" with Manic:

Announcement Soon

You tube's being P I S S Y !

As soon as these videos are uploaded, you'll know who the WEINER WINNERS are. Stay tuned, stay patient!

Thanks, Peace UP!

Contest Entrants & YOUR Self PROMOTION

Contestant entrants officially closed -- I'm going to bed!

If your name is posted here, it's because I have gotten your comment that you'd like to be entered into the contest to win a Jennifer Weiner GOOD IN BED book and then qualify to win her latest CERTAIN GIRLS!

WOW! And by the way, HER NEW SITE ROCKS! I just clicked on and was like, COOL! So check it out! Dawg. I feel like Randy from American Idol, and don't even get me started on the fact that I completely missed my boyfriend singing We Are The Champions because Ajers has had the flu all this week and even though we DVR'ed the show, it screwed up and I missed my Michael Johns -- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?!?

OK, back to our regularly scheduled blog post on Jennifer Weiner and contests and self-promotion!

If you're NOT listed here, and still would like a chance to win, you have until 8 PM tonight to enter, just leave your NAME and EMAIL in the comments HERE.

ALSO, if you are listed here, this is your chance to SELF PROMOTE your own blog, business, book (or whatever that is not gross or inappropriate!) in the comment section here. I just wanted to give others a chance to self-promote. It seems unfair that I should hog all this here blog space for myself...

So, go at it! If you haven't yet entered, please do so, and also, self promote away dear friends!

Here's the list that I will be drawing names from tomorrow! Get YOURS added by leaving a comment with your name/email by 8 PM tonight. The drawing will be held via youtube video tomorrow sometime, barring anyone else in this family comes down with the flu!

ROBIN – who didn’t leave an email but I’ll forgive her.
BINA –
MELISA – grapevine86
HALLY – hulahal –
AMANDA –
JAMIE – thisjane –
JULIE –
DAWN – Morninglight Mama
MELISSA – Hope for the Hopeless –
MABUNNY –
LAURA-Peach
GRETA
EILEEN – of Eileen Cook Fame! See, even other famous authors want to win famous author books!
COLEEN – our old BABYSITTER! HI COLEEN!
ROBIN – The other ROBIN (the one who gave me her EMAIL! LOL!)
SUE – ascapecodturns@yahoo.com
TANYA – Tanya.for.president -- Have fun in CHICAGO!
MICHELE – myboysarearmybrats
KIRSTEN – "I WANT TO WIN" BUT DIDN’T LEAVE HER EMAIL! But has the zodiac year of the rat and the astrological sign aquarius, and she appears to be 252 years old according to her blogger profile!
LAURA –
JENN –
JANELLE –
TONYA –
ALANI –
JODI-MOTHER OF SIX – If you win, I HOPE YOU HAVE TIME TO READ A BOOK!
REBECCA – Thisreadingismanic
KARI –
LAURIE – Who didn’t leave her email but discovered JW in MODE mag.
TAMMY – thopgood –
OHMOMMY –
spiritinflight
TABITHA SMITH –
GRETCHEN –
L WOERNER –
MICHELLE –
SHELLEY –
NIKI –
KWANA –
ANON NO LONGER READING – SELF PROMOTION, CONTESTS HAD ENOUGH.COM!
LISA MC –
KATIE DUG –
JULES –
AMY N –
MARTINI –
MODIGLI
STACY –
KATIE KAT –
TRISH RYAN –
DEBBIE –
STEPHANIE – NOT ME, I PROMISE!
LISA – JUJUBOO –
CELTICBUFFY –
JENNIFER –
CHERYL –
BEAR BITES –
THE GANG’S ALL HERE –
TRISH –
JENNI –
JAMES – BOOK CHIC –
SAMMIE –
HEATHER –
KATE ALG. –
SHELLEY –
DONNA –
MANDEE -
MONIQUE -
calail86
COLORADO WRITER
STEWBIE (EVIL PIGS)
LAURA SEASHORE
CUBMOMMY
NECIE

Last three on the list:

DANIELLE

KARLA

CARLA

I am going to bed, the winners will be drawn SOMETIME tomorrow, via a YOUTUBE video, so please be patient, especially since I've got a sick kiddo at home! Thanks

Shhh.... This is CONFIDENTIAL!

Contests and Self-Promotion and a GREAT NEW WEBSITE!

So, let’s see…

Yesterday, there was an anonymous comment that I shouldn’t have let bother me but it kind of did, and for me to be posting about it just means that the anonymous commenter wins a little bit because really, the reason an anonymous poster posts is to try to get a reaction from the writer, to get a rise out of the person she is ‘attacking’ for lack of a better word, even though it wasn’t really an attack, more like an aggravation, or a nudge, a bug bite.

And I feel justified in talking about this here because this anonymous poster is no longer a Manic Mommy reader, because she told me so, but come on, if you posted something anonymously and said, “Hey, you’ve just lost a reader!” does that mean you’re never really going to come back to that blog?

Or would you be just a little bit vain and sneak back just to see if the blogger would be inclined to write about you? Hmmm… I kind of think anonymous commenters get a teeny little thrill knowing they’ve stirred something inside of someone else. What do you all think? She stirred me baby!

This commenter didn’t really say anything mean, and she was probably justified, maybe. She said she was tired of me self promoting and holding all of these contests. Here, I’ll tell you exactly what she said in a minute. I’m pretty sure it’s a SHE anyway. Just my guess, because currently, I have like three men readers, and I doubt Martini or Mylhibug or Jeff would go all anon on me because of a contest I was holding?

Anon wrote this:

Contests Contests Contests... Self Promotion Self Promotion....

Frankly I've had enough... you've just lost a reader!!

Wonder why all your old readers have gone??

She’s got an incredibly valid point though, right? I mean come on! What right do I have in the blogosphere to hold contests? How ignorant of me! Why should I be giving away free stuff? That’s just really presumptuous of me and I should stop it really soon. It's very ignorant and rude, just flat-out stupid for me to think that anyone would want something fun and free!

And the self-promoting! What the heck is THAT all about? On a BLOG for crying out loud? A PERSONAL BLOG? The nerve!

Well, I’m not going to stop doing that. I started this blog 3½ freaking years ago, when I had NOT ONE SINGLE reader, and I didn’t know what I was doing, or didn’t know what an HTML was, and youtube didn’t exist, and itunes probaby didn’t exist either, in fact, we probably still had CASSETTES for cripes sake, and I had no clue about anything.

But I have learned all of this stuff. I have met AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING people through blogging, and SELF-PROMOTING, and I am doing this in the hopes of someday becoming an author, and so why the hell not?

Why should I apologize or stop self-promoting if I’m doing something I believe in, doing something I love to do, and if I’m also helping people along the way, and if maybe I’m also, I don’t know, maybe helping to spearhead a BLOOD DRIVE where we all band together and save OVER 100 LIVES!?!?!? OK, maybe I’ll stop all of this. Because one anonymous poster doesn’t like what I’m doing.

I feel like Simon Cowell. Insert cute English accent here:

SORRY. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

And I feel really good about saying that to you, Anon. (Mostly because I am certain you’re not coming back to Manic Mommy because you said you are not coming back.)

So, the contests stay, and I’ll do them when I want to do them.

Here’s another thing. Big time author, Jennifer Weiner, BEST-SELLING AUTHOR, Jennifer Weiner, must believe in the power of the BLOG if she’s having her publicity team go out and find blogs to help promote her books, right?

She’s not even doing a major book tour for Certain Girls! She’s doing a Virtual Book Tour, and having her fans promote her books. So, there’s something to be said for that. So, the contest is still running, and the winners will be announced on Friday, so you all have until Thursday night to enter, so go ahead and enter away. Who knows, maybe even Anon put in her real name and entered too. I wouldn't put it past her. Who wouldn't want a free Jennifer Weiner book!?

Now, for more on the Self-Promotion Front.

Because of this blog and because I’ve met wonderful people through it, I’ve been given a fun opportunity as Manic Mommy to do a Q&A column on a terrific new website:

BettyConfidential.com

It's for all women in all life stages and with all sorts of interests for women ages 25-49 ... relevant, irreverent, newsy ... it's a great place to connect and share!

Also, if you've always had something to say, and were never sure where to get started in this writing game, BettyConfidential.com is always looking for great new contributors, and you can contact Julie at Julie@BettyConfidential.com to learn how to write for them. Cuz I know you've all got something important to say! Even you, ANON! : )

BettyConfidential.com has all sorts of fun sections that cover topics such as:

Kissing Frogs
Navigating a Career
Shaping a Marriage
Raising Kids
Finding You

Under the sidebar, you'll find some GUILTY PLEASURES such as the fabulous Debbie from What Would Debbie Do? where she's got great advice on being married or not being married and dating and other life stuff, and then there's also the Hot Men of Ask Real Guys where you can send a message to these real live hotties and they will answer YOUR quesions about men (even if it has to do with, ahem, you know, like penis size and stuff!)

And then, here's where the self-promotion shit comes in, so you can just skip this if you're tired of it, okay! There's Just Another Manic Mommy where you can stop by and read my first Q&A column, and you'll see I should heed my own advice in the first place when it came to Miss Anon. Not to take the garbage other people try to dump on people. To just shake it off, tell 'em thanks, but you don't want their dirt. Oh wait! I think I just did!

Peace UP!

Are "CERTAIN GIRLS" "GOOD IN BED?"

CONTEST ALERT for all you Jennifer Weiner fans!


Don't know who Jennifer Weiner is?

Helloooo? Did you just crawl out from under a rock? Do you wear BLINDERS while walking past bookstores, going to Target, even the grocery store? She's everywhere.

Allow me, if I may, because I love sooo to enlighten:

Jen and Me:


Me and Jen:


Books by Jen:


Signed copies by Jen, to me. I have many more, but why make you jealous take up blog space?


Well, OK, here are some more:


Books:


So, Jen's new book is coming out April 8th, JUST IN TIME FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRACTICALLY. Certain Girls is the continuation of GOOD IN BED, 13 years after the fact.

I first discovered Jen Weiner while living in PA; I had read about her in Philly magazine. This is when I was pregnant with Tukey, and was on the verge of 'thinking' about writing again. She inspired me! I was pregnant -- I went to the bookstore and asked, "Do you have GOOD IN BED?"

Obviously, I was already GOOD IN BED since I knew what I was doing in bed since I was pregnant, right? I knew what I was doing at least--I got that part right!

GOOD IN BED became my favorite book. Jen's writing is funny and quirky. She is real and doesn't sugar-coat! She started the whole snowball of Chickliterarism that led to so many more amazing authors to follow her lead!

So let's have a freaking Manic Mom party, shall we? I happen to have legally come across four copies of the newly revamped GOOD IN BED with a hot new cover and TWO hardback copies of Certain Girls, when really, I was supposed to only receive ONE COPY of Certain Girls, which I was supposed to have kept and read for myself.

Long story short, I tried to get Swishy a copy on eBay but failed, so one copy is going to her for a belated b'day, and one copy is going to someone out there! Because I am a Pay-It-Forward kinda gal (ALTHOUGH I AM READING IT FIRST!)

But not to worry, I have already ordered MY OWN COPY on Amazon but it's not arriving till May, hence the reason I'm reading YOUR copy first. But still, you'll get a copy, which may or may not make it more fun to know it's been pre-read by moi? You decide.

This contest may be the easiest one EVER! Leave me your name and an email address in the comments section. THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!

Like the blood drive contest video drawing, I will pull names later this week to show you who has won the four copies of GOOD IN BED. From those four names, I will then pull one of those names to also win the pre-read copy of Certain Girls! As an incredible BONUS, all winners will also receive a Manic Mommy magnet. Too much to handle, I know.

Too much...

So go ahead, leave your name and an email address where I can contact you, and let the fun begin! If you know of a Jennifer Weiner fan (and WHO DOESN'T??), please share the contest love!

You Tube TV Debut

So I took the DVD from the television show and made You Tube videos from that. There are five clips, all are finally uploaded - Some of them have my phone ringing during it. Check out the last one when the credits run and I am talking and acting like I know what I'm doing at the end of the show ... hahah.

The host, who was GREAT, was so easy to talk with, and thanks Aim, for bringing me as your guest, it was sooo much fun! See that Starbucks cup of water? The host told me I could put it on the table! I had it behind the chair!

Also, I said "UMM" A LOT. Hey, I should hold a contest to see who can guess how many times I said UMM. (Don't count 'em, really!)

Part One:


Part Two:


Part Three:


Part Four:


Part Five:

Television Debut

I'm making mine today.

For a local cable show to promote the Virtual Blood Drive we all did!

And Ajers just got up and is about ready to vomit. Mr. Manic doesn't know where the puke buckets are and I have to leave in two minutes for this show.

It’s My Day Winner!

Well, it’s time to announce the winner, but before I do, I want to say that one can truly never really expect a whole day to be PERFECT now really? Can we be THAT lucky? Maybe bits and pieces of a day can be great, but a whole day?

I never shared what my perfect day would be. But today started out fairly close, with some Curious George snuggle time with my Tukey (one episode was when George made the Monkey Web; the other was how bears hibernate—right up my alley--sleep till spring, which is officially FRIDAY--YAY!)

Then, to continue on with a fairly accurately close-to-being perfect day, I started cleaning out my closet. I know, cleaning out a closet—how is that a part of a perfect day?

Well, for me it was on the verge of being perfect because I was trying on old jeans that were way too big for me. You see, since December 1, when I first stepped on that scale at Weight Watchers, I have lost 17 pounds. So, cleaning out the closet, getting rid of things that are too big, making room for new smaller items I will have to buy is a good thing.

And knowing that I will be donating the old clothes to our church clothing drive and that these clothes (some which I never even got to wear and are still really cute, but non-wearable!) will be worn and appreciated by people who need them makes me feel very good and fortunate and happy. So, to be feeling good and happy makes for a perfect day.

Oh, and I showered.

And later, after Tukey gets on the bus, I am going to Subway, where my franchiser guy will hopefully say, “Turkey, extra parmesan?” when he sees me, and, well, that’ll only add to my perfect day!

See, it does not take much to make me happy! The little things. And that’s what we should be grateful for!

However, in our fun fantasy world where we were allowed and encouraged to elaborate on our most perfect day, we have a winner for the IT’S MY DAY contest!

Actually ... surprise! We have THREE WINNERS!

Jen at Jen’s Ideas is so “JEN-EROUS,” she has chosen THREE entrants as winners to the contest, and in no particular order, I bring to you, the winners, and their ideas of their perfect day:

COLORADO WRITER:
I wake up in the most comfortable bed in an Italian villa with a hot man who doesn't speak any English. He rubs my feet with oil. I shower and he washes my back with a loofah.

I look perfect.

He guides me to the terrace where the perfect carafe of coffee waits, along with some serious pastries and fruit.

I read a book and ignore him.

The Hot Italian man gives me a full body massage and I lay there in the sun like a slug until lunch is served.

Lunch happens to be ahi-tuna and salad followed by creme brulee and raspberries.

I go for a naked swim. I ride a horse through a field. I take a nap in a hammock.

Hot Italian man and I drink wine and watch the sun go down. We have some serious chocolate for dinner and make mad passionate love for hours.

There are no children. There is no talking. And when I'm done with him, the Hot Italian man goes away, so I can sleep all night.

~ ~ ~

JuJuBoo:
I would wake up around 10am to the sound of ocean waves crashing. I stand up, yawn, stretch, and look at my window at the beautiful beach below. Not only beautiful because it is the beach, but because there are a bunch of hot, chisled, young men lying on the sand. :) But I do not need any of them. I have a great hubby after all. But who wouldn’t love a little hot guy eye candy to get the morning started?

As I get dressed I hear my daughters talking nicely to each other (not the screaming that usually erupts in the AM). I also smell bacon and French toast. Made by the hubby, of course. I walk to the kitchen and notice a maid doing ALL the housework.

After breakfast, I get dressed in a new outfit that just happened to appear in my closet, complete with a sparkly tiara of my very own. I head out to an afternoon at a spa, getting the works. As I leave my husband reminds me that I do not need any of that stuff because I am perfect as is. He also tells me to not worry about a thing, he will take care of it ALL. The spa tells me when I walk in the door that everything today is 75% off because I was the one millionth customer of the day! I also get a free lobster lunch complete with the best wine!

After a day of pampering I return home to find my family seated around the table with the most amazing dinner of filet mignon, fettucine alfredo and fresh steamed broccoli, made all by the hubby. We have a lovely dinner chat (not the normal bickering of who was talking before the other interrupted). Dinner is followed by bananas foster that, again, the hubby made (I think he went to culinary school while I slept, cuz as far as I know he does not even know how to boil water).

After dinner we all watch a great movie as a family. We all share a banana split (yes, my perfect day consists of eating way too much and not caring about it) and they all tell me over and over how much they love me, how perfect I am, and how lucky they are to have me. Then, I get to go bed in a huge fluffy bed with fresh linens and too many pillows. The hubby puts the kids to bed all by himself and they stay there!

I fall asleep the same way I woke up, listening to the ocean waves crashing onto the shore.

~ ~ ~

Jodi:

My idea of a perfect day would be waking up in the camper with my three girls, as we peer out the windows at mountain scape. We would then stick in a Spice Girl CD and sing lots of those great cheesy tunes because we know all words. We'd dance. Then we would eat warm chocolate chips cookies and drink Coke (me, diet coke) for breakfast. Then we would hike and laugh, about absolutely nothing-- simply the thing that can warm the soul; laughter about nothing. When the sun went down we would make Jiffy Pop over a camp fire. Laugh more. We would snap photos to remember how silly and fun it is to be girls that love each other. The next day when we got home we would thank the only man of the house for staying home and taking care of the dog.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Winners, please email me at manicmommy@comcast.net and I'll let you know how to collect your t-shirt prize! And of course, I'll EXPECT you to send a picture of you wearing it later to Manic Mommy!

Thanks to all who shared their ideas of their perfect day, and don’t fret, because Jen has offered to come back to Manic Mom’s and host another contest for Mother’s Day where you’ll be able to share your funny mom tales!

Don’t forget to check out her site at Jen's Idea's. Her shirts make great gifts for all the beautiful people in your life – including most the important one – YOU!!!

Romancing Mr. Manic

A TRUE STORY! But first, don't forget, there's still time to enter the IT'S MY DAY! contest!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After a half a bottle of unoaked Chardonnay and some Matt Nathanson music, good company, and a nice meal, I informed Mr. Manic that last night might turn into a lucky night for him. I planned to bring to him some Manic Magic, if you know what I mean, especially because he got slighted on the BJ and a Steak celebration, mainly because I never did tell him that it is a faux-liday. Ha, I just made that up. A faux-holiday. A fauxliday. Like it? Feel free to incorporate it into your everyday correspondence.

We get the kids to bed, and I tell him we’re going to do things my way. Yep, it was going to be a “My Way or the Highway” kinda night. He was all up for it because it had been a while. Know what I’m sayin?

I said:

“Go make sure Diva’s settled into bed.”

He did and she was. She was even asleep already.

“Go make sure the boys are asleep.”

He did and they were.

I settled myself comfortably onto my bed.

“Lock the door.”

He did.

“I want a back massage. Take off my shirt.”

He did.

“Get the lotion from that basket over there.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know. You have to turn on the light.”

“The light will hurt my eyes.”

“YOU HAVE TO TURN ON THE LIGHT TO SEE WHICH LOTION I WANT YOU TO USE FOR MY BACK MASSAGE!”

Can you envision the heightened passion?

He doesn’t turn on the light but instead hands me three choices of lotions. I feel the bottles. One is Miracle Heel for my feet. I remove the lids from the other two and sniff.

“This one.” It’s French Vanilla Bean. Bath and Body Works.

I’m lying on my bed, face down, shirt off.

“Now,” I demand, “straddle me.”

He obeys.

He is a good servant. He knows that in order for him to get what he wants, I must get what I want. I want a back massage. I never get back massages. This is something new I am trying out. This dominant side of me is brilliant! I am convinced it will bring a new level of exciting passion into our lives!

He is waiting for my command. Patiently. As a good servant will.

“Okay,” I say. “Put the lotion on me.”

Mr. Manic tosses the bottle onto my back, flips off of me and says, “There. The lotion is ON YOU. Give me the remote. I’m missing Saturday Night Live.”

CONTEST: IT'S MY DAY not STEAK & BJ DAY!

Apparently, today, March 14, is also known as Steak and a BJ Day, in some strange male circles in the world. I am aghast and completely opposed to this disgusting and foul holiday some dumb men are trying to get recognized.

I mean come on, we already have Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day--what more do they want!??!!? So, I am calling out the troops and implementing IT'S MY DAY day!

This personally offends not only me, but Mr. Manic as well, because I did ask him, you know! Neither of us could believe that some ignorant men are trying to pawn March 14 off as Steak and a BJ Day! (This is truly one of the ultimate joys of knowing your husband does not read your blog! I can make him say ANYTHING I WANT! It really is MY DAY!)

I bring to you yet ANOTHER Manic Mommy contest.

Let's switch this around a bit, shall we? Since the premise behind Steak and a BJ Day is every man’s dream day, his perfect evening, his "IT'S MY DAY" moment, well, not gonna happen here my friends.

For the record, when I first heard of this appalling ‘holiday,’ (thanks to Michelle at Honest and Truly) I thought AT LEAST the guy was buying dinner for the girl before the ‘main event!’

THIS IS NOT EVEN THE CASE! THE GIRL DOESN'T EVEN GET A MEAL OUT OF IT!

So for all you women out there who balk at the idea of “Steak and a BJ Day,” I bring you the Manic Mommy IT’S MY DAY contest. Because, when it COMES right down to it, isn’t it all about us anyway?

Remember my IT’S MY DAY t-shirt?

Well, you can win one of these snazzy little tees, or another one of your choice from this great company, Jen’s Ideas!



I LOVE these t-shirts! They send such a positive message, and you just feel good wearing them! People see you wearing them and it actually makes THEM smile! Why not wear something that makes YOU happy, and makes other people happy too!? WHY NOT!? It's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than Steak and a BJ Day! Duh.

Tell me what you would do on YOUR PERFECT DAY. Forget about those things men want … IT’S YOUR DAY! The gals over at Jen’s Ideas will pick the winner, and you’ll then get to choose a t-shirt of your choice from their fabulous selection on their website!

So leave a comment, MAKING SURE TO LEAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS ALSO SO I CAN CONTACT YOU IF YOU ARE THE WINNER!!!! Make it unique and fun, but get your answers in by Tuesday midnight and a winner will be announced on Wednesday sometime!

Would You Rather?

Thanks to Feener at Mommy Vents for the suggestion of There's A Method to Her Manic! And to all of the other fun, witty, snarky, crazy ideas you all sent in. And I'm really sorry I didn't do a contest for this one, but not to worry, there's ANOTHER CONTEST coming your way either Friday or Monday, I PROMISE! Because YES, there really is a method to her manic! And now, I present you with today's topic:

WOULD YOU RATHER?

We play Would You Rather with the kids every now and then and it’s usually pretty tame, like would you rather be stuck in the ocean surrounded by sharks or on an island slathered in peanut butter and attacked by lions (Sharks please)? Or would you rather be dropped from a plane or dropped from a boat with bricks tied to your feet (Again, I’m going with the water theme I think)?

The other night, Mr. Manic and I were driving home from a party, after he decided the GPS chick was WRONG and he took a left instead of a right and we ended up in Timbuktu.

Since we were going to be in the car for a while, I suggested a rousing game of Would You Rather.

It started off tame enough with me asking, “Would you rather meet Robert DeNiro or Jack Nicholson?”

“Jack.”

He asked me, “Would you rather meet Kate Hudson or Julia Roberts?”

“DUH! Julia! But I’ve already MET her!”

“No you didn’t. You stood near her at the American Club in the airport while she talked on the phone.”

“Still. Why would I want to meet Kate Hudson? She does nothing for me. By the way, HOW far from home are we?”

Silence.

“OK, my turn,” I said. “Would you rather… hmmm… let’s see… have me come to work with you for a full day or…”

“I choose the second thing! The second thing!”

“WAIT! I didn’t even give you the second choice yet!”

“I know. But whatever it is, I’ll choose it!”

“OK, you’re being a jerk though. Your turn.”

“Would you rather give me a blow job or have me right now drive the car across four lanes of traffic and over the embankment?”

“EMBANKMENT! EMBANKMENT! EMBANKMENT!”

H E L P

I need a Manic Mommy tagline, you know, something clever, catchy, witty, snappy. And of course, I can't come up with one. Anyone got any ideas?

Manic Mommy -- she'll make you weep with laughter...

Manic Mommy -- You'll wish she was yours...

Manic Mommy -- Really Bad Commentaries...

I got nothing.

HELP!

Three Things For Sunday:

1. If you won a prize from the Manic Mommy Blog for Blood Virtual Blood Drive then your prize was mailed out on Saturday.

Also, for those of you who won books (Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, Unpredictable, or The Opposite of Love) for the contests I've held recently, those also went out on Saturday.

If you gave blood, THANK YOU! It's probably time to give again, so please do so! And if you didn't give blood, WHY NOT?! Go do it. Save a few lives!

And if you didn't win the books, go buy 'em -- they're all written by AMAZING AUTHORS! You'll LOVE these books!

Anyway, it cost me SIXTY DOLLARS in postage alone to mail all this stuff out! That's how freaking much I love you all! And that's how much I believed in the blood drive and in these authors! So thanks for your participation!!!

2. Something else I believe in: My BBFF Swishy! It's her birthday on Sunday! Go over to her blog and tell her Happy Birthday. She is my Best Blogger Friend Forever and we know each other in real life too and I love her to death and if you've read her blog, then you love her to death too. Go tell her Happy Birthday today, March 9! She just simply rocks and is the most kindest grandest person in the world and if it weren't for this crazy internet thing, and our love for writing and for Jennifer Weiner books, we would not have the friendship we have today, and I'm so thankful for her and I love her! So happy, happy birthday to my friend Swishy!

3. This is my newest most favorite song in the entire world. I want to fall asleep with these words streaming through my head:

The Opposite of Love Contest Winner!

Q & A with Julie Buxbaum, author of The Opposite of Love.



MANIC: From the very first sentence, I sensed a meat theme. Did you set out to do this?

JULIE BUXBAUM: I was interested in making tangible Emily's definition of love in the novel: the giving of self and soul. And so you are exactly right; I wanted to make Emily a rabid meat-eater to literalize the notion of love as the act of filling ourselves and our lives up with other people, and of course, the flip side--the vulnerability that results from loving and being loved. That's what her cannibalistic dream that opens the novel is all about, and that's why Andrew says she's like "the flesh-eating virus." I should say though, that my interest in making love into something tangible comes up throughout the novel, not just with Emily's meat eating.

I have to admit I also had a second motivation for force-feeding her all that steak. I think writers often use food/weight issues as a crutch to force readers into relating to their main character--to give their readers a "see, she has the same issues I do" moment. But in this one way, I wanted to make Emily an aspirational character--she is not concerned with the external. Instead, she's grappling with her internal landscape, and some larger existential questions. She is not asking whether she is thin enough, or pretty enough, but "when am I going to be who I am supposed to be?"

MM:I get that maybe you're conveying that Emily is hollow inside, desperately trying to find something to satiate her, to fill her up. It's genius!

JB: Thanks!

MM: Are you a vegetarian?

JB: Nope!

MM: And in what part of the writing process did you say, "Theme! Meat!"??

JB: I don't really know. It sort of unfolded organically. I am not sure I would even consider meat to be a theme, though it came up quite a bit. I think I was more interested in looking for lots of different ways to express Emily's feelings of emptiness.

MM: Did you struggle with the idea of putting a prologue into the story? Not to give anything away, but the prologue gives the reader a sense that there's a happy ending. Fortunately for me, I have a limited memory, and I didn't think throughout the book, "This is OK, everything is going to end up OK." At what point did you say, "This needs a prologue?" Was it your idea or your editor's?

JB: The idea of writing the prologue arose pretty late in the process. My editor and I were discussing how we both felt that the first chapter, taken alone, was misleading. The novel opens on such a light note, the reader might be tricked into thinking the story lacked more depth. At the same time, I also felt guilty for torturing Emily throughout the book, so I wanted to give people comfort that she was going to ultimately land on her feet. She wasn't going to be completely free of her issues, but we know from the outset that she ends up in a good place.

MM: Of course, I'm dying to know how much is pulled from truth, but I feel that would be prying, and I don't want to pry. But OK, for the readers, I will. Did you pull details of a past break-up to create this story? Did you dump a guy and later regret it? Did you marry this guy you dumped?

JB: Pry away! The truth is it's all fiction. I've never broken up with anyone only to regret it later. Fortunately, I am much less self-destructive than Emily.

MM: For me, Chapters 10 and 35 were incredibly emotional. Last night when I read Chapter 35, I bawled my head off in my bed, missing my own mom who lives in Florida and feeling sadness you must have felt ten-fold in your lifetime. How did you deal with writing such emotional scenes?

JB: It was definitely difficult to write those scenes both on a technical level and on an emotional level. Since, like Emily, I lost my mother at fourteen, I had to find a way to bring to bear what I think are the commonalities of mother-loss, while at the same time individualizing them for my character. In other words, I only let myself take from my own experiences those details which I imagine anyone who has gone through an early devastating loss has felt at some point--but no more than that--and then I imagined how it would have been different (and specific to) Emily. But I absolutely felt great empathy for her in those scenes, and anytime I hurt her, it hurt me. I am not going to lie: some tears were shed in the making of this book.

MM: With some books I read, I must suspend reality, and tell myself, "OK, this is a book, I'll pretend this could happen for the sake of enjoying this book." I didn't feel this way at any point in The Opposite of Love. Even with slimy old Carl, Emily's boss, I believed it all. Nothing about your book seemed contrived or yanked from somewhere false, you know?

JB: Thanks so much! I am so glad you felt that way. I thought it was important to create a character whose life and trials and tribulations felt real, and never convenient for the sake of the story.

MM: You got a two-book deal--is your next book the continuation of Emily's story? I really hope so because you've created a world where the reader comes away feeling like they've made friends with the characters and are emotionally connected and genuinely want to know where their lives are headed.

JB: Sadly, no. My next book does feature the daughter of a tangential character in THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE, but it is in no way a sequel. I am happy to leave Emily in a good place for now. But maybe one day...

MM: Your husband, Indy? I'm guessing Filet Mignon all the way?

JB: Yup, Indy's the best thing since sliced bread.

MM: Does he happen to look like this guy? Hee hee, just kidding. Don't answer that! Now Julie does have a few words about the contest and who she chose to win the autographed copy of the book. We asked Manic readers to share what their definition of The Opposite of Love was, in FIVE WORDS OR LESS, and Julie did the choosing, so Julie, take it away----

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for entering the contest! I received a ton of responses, and I enjoyed every last one of them. That being said, I had to pick a winner, so drum roll, please...

The winner is Lisa McKenzie with:

The opposite of love is...My Ex Husband.

Manic: Well Lisa, at least the guy was good for something! You've won an awesome book because of him! Ha!

And if you'll email me at manicmommy@comcast.net I can get that book to you in the mail so you can start reading and enjoying your prize!

Some honorable mentions Julie chose, just for fun:

THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE IS:
Pee on the toilet seat (Stephanie Wisdom)
Asking, "Have you gained weight?" (Kalynne Pudner)
The book I wanna win! (Jules W.)

For any of you readers who would like, Julie has offered to send you a signed bookplate for you to attach to your copy of The Opposite of Love, because I know you're all going to go and get yourself this book now, aren't ya!? Because it's an incredible book! Just email Julie at juliebux@gmail.com with your mailing address.

And stop by her website to see where she'll be visiting! I'll be meeting her the end of March and I really can't wait. Maybe we'll go out and have some meat together!

Thanks to all for entering!
----------------------------------------

Michael Johns American Idol

OK, do you know why I titled this blog post Michael Johns American Idol?

Well, besides the fact that he is totally the most hottest, gorgeous male specimen currently singing (or breathing) on television, I decided that if maybe I titled the post with his name, then maybe someday he would be bored enough to Google himself and find out that Manic Mommy has a major huge crush on him and that maybe this hot gorgeous singer might leave me a really sweet comment on my blog, or even email me or something?

Cuz come on, is he hot or is he hot?

And can he sing?! And does he not pick just the most excellent songs EVER!? Don't You Forget About Me? Don't you worry honey! I am not planning on it!

You all know I’m not the swooning googly-eyed type when it comes to guys. I don’t usually go gah-gah over the opposite sex all that much now do I? I’m trying to remember any post in the past three years when I’ve even remotely talked mushy about any celebrity other than my own dear Mr. Manic. I beg you to call me out on this.

Patrick Demsey? Who’s probably too skinny for me anyway, and not tall enough. Possibly, I’ve done a little mush-lust over Vince Vaughn in a recent post, but nothing like this. I am majorly crushing on MICHAEL JOHNS. Like for instance, I missed his live performance last week because I was at AUTHORPALOOZA (and isn’t it funny how Swish and I just create an event and it just becomes an event?), and so when I knew I wasn’t going to see Michael John’s performance, I instructed Diva, who was at home watching: “Diva, when I’m gone, and when Michael Johns takes the stage for his song on American Idol, I want you to blow kisses at him from me during the whole time he sings his song, OK?”

I called her later that night while I was out and she told me, “I blew kisses at him the whole time mama.”

Good girl, baby, good girl.

Tell me he’s not gorgeous. Tell me you wouldn’t just want to be locked in a room with just him and his microphone and that adorable Aussie accent? And he picks like the world’s best songs! Yep, he can light my fire alright. He already has, and it’s through a flat screen for cripe’s sake. Can you imagine what he could do up close and personal?

For your viewing pleasure; Videos you may have not seen. Songs you may have not heard:







And, he was in this band called Film, and these songs are great, and I am trying to find them on itunes so I can get them on my iPod because I just know they will inspire me to write. And lust. (Who can get me these songs for my ipod off the internet somehow??)

Because I look at him when he’s up on that Idol stage and I swear, he is singing to me! To me, I tell ya! And I adore his smile, and his HAIR! Check out how those cute little curls just swoop every-so-slightly over the nape of his neck; I am like oozily in love with even those little curls on the back of his head.

OK, not really. I love Mr. Manic (and I know Michael is married too, and I mean no disrespect to his beautiful wife--I've seen her in the audience yanno), besides, Mr. Manic just came home and asked me if I was fantasizing!

Oh, come on! I’m an almost 39-year-old mother of three. Who has time for fantasies?

Not me. I’m too busy drooling over watching Idol.

P.S. Michael, my email is manicmommy@comcast.net -- TTFN!

The Unexpected Present!

Before I tell you about "The Unexpected Present" for those of you who won prizes in the Manic Mommy Blog for Blood Virtual Blood Drive, these prizes will be going out in the mail THIS WEEK. Also, Bina and Jess, your signed books, Unpredictable, and Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, will also go out this week too!

Thanks for your patience!

You may also continue to cast your vote for The Opposite of Love contest until midnight Thursday. This means when I wake up on Friday morning, the contest is OVER so if you don't have your entry in to Julie by then, well, then you don't get your chance to win her debut novel! What's the Opposite of Love in five words or less? Contest details are here!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog post:

So, every Blogger needs a good stalker*, right?

Remember this:
Stalkerazzi

Or perhaps you're more familiar with this:
Stalkerazzi Part II?

If not, maybe this will jog your memory?
Stalkerazzi Part III and the Pink Jacket at Panera

Well, a package arrived today!

Whatever Could This Be?


A Package from Stalker Melisa Wells?

Let's Open It Up!






Are you kidding me? It can't be?


It is!


My Very Own Tiara!


And Melisa had no idea it had been eight weeks since I last donated blood and when I received her gift in the mail today, I had just gotten home from donating blood again!


How was I to know today when I got dressed and put on this shirt that it really would be MY DAY?


Diva begged me to let her try it on too, after she ate some chocolate pudding:


We Princesses gotta stick together!

THANKS MELISA!



*Disclaimer: Melisa is in no way a real-life stalker, she just plays one on the Internet!