Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Dreams

Every night for the past three nights I’ve been having a dream that seems to be a sequence. They are dreams involving my husband and how he no longer loves me.

The first night’s dream, we were breaking up.

The second night’s dream, I watched, as in slow-motion, he kissed a dark-haired girl that he had fallen in love with. He kissed her and he knew I watched. It crushed me.

Last night’s dream, I cannot shake. It’s the kind of dream where you beg your conscious to surface from the water, but when it does, it treads all day long, skimming your thoughts, always there, like a buoy on the turbulent ocean.

We had broken up in September, and this is before we were married. We were apart, and I remember thinking, I will never be kissed that way again, never. I will never feel as close to a person as I have with him. By the time July rolled around, I was still numb, but making my way through my days, my life, somehow.

A new boy arrived on the scene. One who liked me. I couldn’t believe another boy could maybe fall in love with me. He wasn’t the opposite, he was just different, but not in a bad way, just in a new way, a way where when we hugged, I still felt encompassed, yet it didn’t seem to be enough. I waited for him to kiss me, but don’t remember that first one; just remember wanting it to happen.

Flash-forward or rewind, I’m not sure. My husband, who was not then my husband, and had broken up with me in September, was there. Suddenly. It was the first time we had spoken to one another since our breakup. I don’t remember what was said, but we hugged. Tightly. But it was not sexual; it was almost like a letting go. Except we did not let go. And I remember I wished to see the expression on his face, but in this hug, our ears kissed, so I could not see his face. I had hoped he was shaking uncontrollably, crying silently, wishing things were different. But I feared he was not, and this was our goodbye.

The new boy was different, as I said. Not as sturdy, not as tall, but tall enough, not as strong, didn’t make me feel as safe. But nonetheless, I was happy as I said, to have someone want to like me, to perhaps give me a chance to fall in love again. This was like a trial, a test. Could I do it? This was a rebound. Just let me know I can try to love again, and I’ll be fine. Maybe.

He was a cyclist. You know what kind of bodies they have. Firm, strong, muscular. Toned. A great body. I wanted to get to know that body. But I was afraid to share mine. Was afraid it had been too long, it was now July. I hadn’t been with anyone since September. I was scared. Somehow, in these early dating stages, we didn’t get that far. I was afraid if he learned too much of me, if he googled me and found my blog, he wouldn’t want me. Because there were no secrets left; I had shared too much. There wasn’t anything for him to find out on his own. I didn’t have anything new to offer.

I wake, and it hurts my every breath; it hurts to inhale the air around me, and I wish to drown it out of my mind, but it stays there, that red and white buoy, bobbing up and down, reminding me of all that I have.

When my husband comes in the room, I am still there, trying to let myself out of the dream, yet it has grabbed hold of a part of me inside that I cannot shake.

I tell him I had another bad dream, about us not being together. He tells me he will never leave me and that he loves me.

12 comments:

Caryn said...

I hate dreams like that. I don't tell my husband when I have them now, because he feels guilty, even though I'm not accusing him of anything. He feels like it means I don't trust him. That's not the case, though. I think we dream of what we fear sometimes, not what we think is the reality.

I hope your dream sequence ends, and that your next dreams are much happier.

Trish said...

Maybe now that you have written it down the dreams will leave you alone...

Andrew said...

It sounds like your husband told you the one simple thing you need to hear - "I'm not going anywhere." This sounds like the same sort of relationship issues in the stories on To Love, Honor and Dismay.

Drew Blackstone said...

Dreams are weird. I had a dream about a high school girl and ended up writing a book about her. That doesn't mean I'm chasing after young girls. I think that dreams are just your mind taking a walk while you're asleep. Your hopes and fears have a chance to come to the surface that they don't get when you're awake. It sounds like your hubby is a great guy and you're very fortunate. I hope this doesn't sound like a sermon. It's just what I think, nothing more. I'm sorry you have had to deal with the bad dreams. I will say a prayer for you that you will have sweet dreams from now on.

Ramblin Rose said...

hmmm, could these be Tim Tam induced dreams?? Too much chocolate overload?
he he he

Seriously now, dreams are weird things, It may not be about you worrying your husband leaving you It may be all this mess with your agent etc.. Sometimes your brain will do funny things and put your husband in the picture of leaving you when in fact you can be stressed, worried etc.. about other things ie ... Your book??? Hang in there!!

Now, dont hate me for this but I just read stephanie Kleins book and I didnt like it at all n fact I would rather read my blog friends than read that book . It was soooo Sex in the city I heard the story before and your waxing story you told was funnier!! I think you've got the touch she had the sex and the city gimmick!! Hang in there you will get published!! Have you thought of putting together a book or a small book and try to sell it at markets on your blog etc.. that might generate some interest even if its on plain paper with a cardboard cover!!

RR

Latina's LOVE said...

I dreamt of puppies last night... 10 of them. I wonder what that means. hmmm...

don't worry about the dreams and the hubby though... it's probably something that's going on to someone else in your life that you know... but you don't know it's going on to them... does that make sense?

Nicola said...

It's funny that you should say that ramblin rose, you reminded me that the girl who boards at my mums house told me that if you eat chocolate right before bed you will have strange big dreams, and when I was staying there and she told me this it was easter, so I was gorging on chocolate (the easter bunny still visits me hehe) right before bed and I DID have the strangest dreams!!

I haven't really thought of this much since then, I often eat chocolate in the evening and do have the odd night of strange dreams, so maybe there is a correlation I haven't picked up on?

Hotwire said...

sorry you had the bad dream. when i have my (ny-quil induced) dreams thy are usually like yours. we'll not about your husband leaving me, but disturbing, you know what i mean.

r martini said...

Very interesting dream MM. I dream all the time..some good, some bad.

In the end....it's just....a dream.

Andie said...

I have crazy dreams all the time. 99% of the time I can't remember them. When I do, they are usually dreams like yours.

Your husband said it, he's not going anywhere. He loves you! ANd for good reason! You're awesome! :)

mama kay said...

Oh MM, I can so feel for you. I absolutely hate those dreams. They leave you feeling drained, sad and unsure.
I used tohave them all the time w/my ex.hsb and in that case they were likely true. I thought that they would stop w/my hsb now but they still creep up. Maybe they are intended to keep us on our toes, so to speak. It is good that you can tell your husband about them though, his reassurance is a good thing!
I hope you are sleeping peacefully!

sparklykatt said...

I have those dreams too. Most of the time during the dreams I think I'm dreaming, or wish I was dreaming, but can't seem to wake myself up. So then I'm certain that it's true.

Sometimes when I wake up I have to wake up my husband just to make sure he's not going anywhere.

Just another sign of my insanity he says.