So, last night I had a very interesting dream. And let me preface this by saying I do not in real life dream about Ashton like an eighth grader looking to get felt up for the first time. I do think he's pretty hot though, and would never turn him down if the real opportunity presented itself. That said, on to my dream!
It turns out, Swishy is the sister to Ashton Kutcher and since I am like very best friends with Swishy (in real life, not just in my dream!), well, I was over at her house, and big brother Ashton and one of his pals were there too.
Ashton was HOT! I had never met him before. I never even knew Swishy was keeping this huge celebrity brother secret from me! But I couldn’t be mad at her because I was too busy flirting heavily with Ashton.
He was married to Demi (still, damnit) but I wasn’t about to let that get in the way. Somehow, I began playing footsies with him, and man, did he have big feet, which just turned me on some more. I had to have some of me some Ashton, and I figured, if I didn’t get me some now, when Demi wasn’t there, I ain’t never gonna get me a taste of Ashton Luuuuv.
So, I went for it, and apparently, he’s not all that faithful to Demi (please, remember, this is a dream so this isn’t like slander or anything, and Demi, don’t go calling all your lawyers on me).
So, Ashton and I were snuggled way back in the corner of Swish’s and Ashton’s parent’s house, who were probably conveniently skiing in the Alps or something, cuz we had the house ALL to ourselves, and why the heck were Ashton and I squished up in a corner behind a couch… ahhh… GUILT! He was feeling guilty…
But, dangit, he was feeling gooooood. And the feet thing was true in Ashton’s case, but it was quick, like one of those quicks where if you were a virgin you could convince yourself “Ah, we didn’t really do it.” In-out-in-out-inateenytinylittlebitmoreandthenback---OUT!
So, sex with Ashton wasn’t all that great, but still, it was great because MAN, he is a celebrity, and I think he’s probably really tall in real life, and I dig tall guys in real life, and man, I just bagged Ashton Kucher and shit! Demi is his WIFE for cryin’ out loud! Demi is Swishy’s sister-in-law!
Would Swish be faithful to her very best pal and brother and keep the secret, or would she be faithful to Demi? Cuz Demi sure has a whole helluva lotta money and I’d want Demi on my side.
So, after basking in the afterglow for like, two-point-two halves of a second, we arrange ourselves and are just hanging out a little, but I still want me some Ashton Luuuuv, so I’m totally trying to make the moves on him, playing all footsies, and eyeing him in all the right places, and probably, (I don’t remember this for sure) but probably I was trying to rub on him a little more, to you know, get the Ashton Juices all fired up.
Anyway, who shows up? Cripes! It’s Demi! And she’s looking pretty good from afar, but up close, I’m like, hmmm, her skin’s getting a little saggy, and those creases under her eyes do not look good. Dr. Ray, 90210, better call Demi!
So, I am introduced to Demi, Ashton goes to play XBOX with one of the guys from That ‘70s Show, and it’s just me and Demi. Swish, where the hell did you disappear to?
And, here’s me, I forget to get dressed after the Ashton Luuuuv, and what am I wearing? The red bra I was talking about the other day, and a pair of…
A pair of…
Spongbob Squarepants Undies.
(The undies don't show up on this link, so if you really wanna see what they look like, you have to search women's undies, Spongebob, but hey, all you guy readers, if you were gonna do a search on women's undies you'd probably be over at Vick's Secret instead of here.
These particular spongebobsquarepantsundies in real life belong my daughter Diva. How the hell did they end up in my dream and on my ass?!?!
So, I’m trying to be all casual with Demi, because this is the first time we’ve met and I just scored with her hot hubby, and he left to go play XBOX, and where the hell is Swishy when I need her?
“So Demi, when People magazine comes out, do Rumer and the other girls rip through it searching for pictures of themselves?”
She actually laughed! Then we started chatting it up like we were the best of friends, and I don’t think I was feeling too terrible about bagging Ashton because it was so worth it to put in my Life-File-Of-Accomplishments that I didn’t even care if her feelings got hurt.
But then she and I were like best friends, and she’s telling me how much she likes me and admires me, and how she says I’m so self-assured and confident, and she keeps saying all these great and nice things to me.
And I’m smiling, and nodding, and still wearing the Spongebob undies, which she never even comments on, and now that I think about it, I think I had on Ashton’s underwear OVER the Spongebob underwear, which weren’t anything sexy at all, they were like dingy, grungy, (not like in a dirty underwear way, but in a you’ve-owned-these-underwear-forever way) formerly whitie-tighties and why does Ashton Kucher wear unsexy underwear? And how come Demi doesn’t noticed I’m also wearing her hubby’s underwear?
But, I guess I didn’t care, cuz I bagged me a hottie and Demi liked me!
It was all good, even if the sex was mediocore, because IT WAS ASHTON!
Next up for Manic Readers, an essay: WHY I WILL NEVER USE CREAM HAIR REMOVAL PRODUCTS AGAIN!