Friday, July 14, 2006

My Ashton / Demi Sex Dream

So, last night I had a very interesting dream. And let me preface this by saying I do not in real life dream about Ashton like an eighth grader looking to get felt up for the first time. I do think he's pretty hot though, and would never turn him down if the real opportunity presented itself. That said, on to my dream!

It turns out, Swishy is the sister to Ashton Kutcher and since I am like very best friends with Swishy (in real life, not just in my dream!), well, I was over at her house, and big brother Ashton and one of his pals were there too.

Ashton was HOT! I had never met him before. I never even knew Swishy was keeping this huge celebrity brother secret from me! But I couldn’t be mad at her because I was too busy flirting heavily with Ashton.

He was married to Demi (still, damnit) but I wasn’t about to let that get in the way. Somehow, I began playing footsies with him, and man, did he have big feet, which just turned me on some more. I had to have some of me some Ashton, and I figured, if I didn’t get me some now, when Demi wasn’t there, I ain’t never gonna get me a taste of Ashton Luuuuv.

So, I went for it, and apparently, he’s not all that faithful to Demi (please, remember, this is a dream so this isn’t like slander or anything, and Demi, don’t go calling all your lawyers on me).

So, Ashton and I were snuggled way back in the corner of Swish’s and Ashton’s parent’s house, who were probably conveniently skiing in the Alps or something, cuz we had the house ALL to ourselves, and why the heck were Ashton and I squished up in a corner behind a couch… ahhh… GUILT! He was feeling guilty…

But, dangit, he was feeling gooooood. And the feet thing was true in Ashton’s case, but it was quick, like one of those quicks where if you were a virgin you could convince yourself “Ah, we didn’t really do it.” In-out-in-out-inateenytinylittlebitmoreandthenback---OUT!

So, sex with Ashton wasn’t all that great, but still, it was great because MAN, he is a celebrity, and I think he’s probably really tall in real life, and I dig tall guys in real life, and man, I just bagged Ashton Kucher and shit! Demi is his WIFE for cryin’ out loud! Demi is Swishy’s sister-in-law!

Would Swish be faithful to her very best pal and brother and keep the secret, or would she be faithful to Demi? Cuz Demi sure has a whole helluva lotta money and I’d want Demi on my side.

So, after basking in the afterglow for like, two-point-two halves of a second, we arrange ourselves and are just hanging out a little, but I still want me some Ashton Luuuuv, so I’m totally trying to make the moves on him, playing all footsies, and eyeing him in all the right places, and probably, (I don’t remember this for sure) but probably I was trying to rub on him a little more, to you know, get the Ashton Juices all fired up.

Anyway, who shows up? Cripes! It’s Demi! And she’s looking pretty good from afar, but up close, I’m like, hmmm, her skin’s getting a little saggy, and those creases under her eyes do not look good. Dr. Ray, 90210, better call Demi!

So, I am introduced to Demi, Ashton goes to play XBOX with one of the guys from That ‘70s Show, and it’s just me and Demi. Swish, where the hell did you disappear to?

And, here’s me, I forget to get dressed after the Ashton Luuuuv, and what am I wearing? The red bra I was talking about the other day, and a pair of…

A pair of…

A
Sexy
Pair
Of….

Spongbob Squarepants Undies.

(The undies don't show up on this link, so if you really wanna see what they look like, you have to search women's undies, Spongebob, but hey, all you guy readers, if you were gonna do a search on women's undies you'd probably be over at Vick's Secret instead of here.

These particular spongebobsquarepantsundies in real life belong my daughter Diva. How the hell did they end up in my dream and on my ass?!?!

So, I’m trying to be all casual with Demi, because this is the first time we’ve met and I just scored with her hot hubby, and he left to go play XBOX, and where the hell is Swishy when I need her?

“So Demi, when People magazine comes out, do Rumer and the other girls rip through it searching for pictures of themselves?”

She actually laughed! Then we started chatting it up like we were the best of friends, and I don’t think I was feeling too terrible about bagging Ashton because it was so worth it to put in my Life-File-Of-Accomplishments that I didn’t even care if her feelings got hurt.

But then she and I were like best friends, and she’s telling me how much she likes me and admires me, and how she says I’m so self-assured and confident, and she keeps saying all these great and nice things to me.

And I’m smiling, and nodding, and still wearing the Spongebob undies, which she never even comments on, and now that I think about it, I think I had on Ashton’s underwear OVER the Spongebob underwear, which weren’t anything sexy at all, they were like dingy, grungy, (not like in a dirty underwear way, but in a you’ve-owned-these-underwear-forever way) formerly whitie-tighties and why does Ashton Kucher wear unsexy underwear? And how come Demi doesn’t noticed I’m also wearing her hubby’s underwear?

But, I guess I didn’t care, cuz I bagged me a hottie and Demi liked me!

It was all good, even if the sex was mediocore, because IT WAS ASHTON!

Next up for Manic Readers, an essay: WHY I WILL NEVER USE CREAM HAIR REMOVAL PRODUCTS AGAIN!

17 comments:

Swishy said...

I am DYING laughing! You totally made my morning! Sad that Ashton wasn't that great. Maybe he was paralyzed by nerves hooking up with the hottest mama of them all!!

To everyone else, no, I will not pimp out my big brother Ashton to you. But I will entertain offers.

Andie said...

ha. Every now and then I have dreams about Ryan Reynolds and his rock hard abs but can never really remember if there is sex involved!

Don't you just love those kinds of dreams? Totally makes you wake up in a great mood!!!

Allison Winn Scotch said...

BWAH! Can I just say that it took me two read-throughs to realize that Swishy is, in fact, NOT Ashton's real life sister? Am I the idiot for the day or not? Love the Spongebob panties!

Manic Mom said...

Ok, I am a loser--who is Ryan Reynolds?

Allison--I love the word BWAH! It has so much more impact than the basic hahahah or LOL.

Ramblin Rose said...

That is a cool dream, one question where did swishy go at the end of it?

did you let ashton down gently... telling him he was no good?

oops two questions...

Great post....

RR

Manic Mom said...

Swish went to play XBOX with the boys while Demi and I baked cookies, and of course I didn't tell Ashton he sucked. I want another chance with him. I think he was feeling rushed because Demi was expected any minute. He was very well endowed, and had the right moves, it was just a very quick quickie!

Geeze, I'm starting to really believe this myself! LOL.

mama kay said...

Some girls have all the luck ... even in their dreams. mmmmmmm

TTQ said...

Demi in your dream sucks as a wife... WHY? Because she let you have sex with her husband? NO! because she doesn't throw out the underwear that look as old as she looks, as soon as Ashton isn't looking.

cubmommy said...

I sent you an email with a picture of Ryan Reynolds. He is a hottie!

Manic Mom said...

Oh yeah, he's a hottie, but I still like Ashton better!

Hotwire said...

did he happen to have jackie from 'that 70s show' with him by any chance...?

Manic Mom said...

Is Jackie the little Spanish guy who thinks he's such a stud? Or is Jackie a girl on the show? I really have only seen a handful of episodes!

Andie said...

Ryan Reynolds is Van Wilder; also seen in the movie Blade:trinity and the remake of the Amityville Horror.

If you google image him, OMG his abs are solid. And he's the most hilarious guy!

Ashton is cute, but it kind of weirds me out that he married Demi. Don't know why. LOL

Swishy said...

I just have to say I read this again and laughed just as hard as the first time :)

P.S. Ryan Reynolds was engaged to Alanis Morissette! They broke up, like, a month or two ago. He was on that TV show Two Guys and a Girl. He's a hottie mctottie.

Kelly said...

I can NEVER remember my dreams. I'm surprised you remembered that much.

By the by...
The stars on my blogrolls mean that THAT blog is updated. That is all....

Hotwire said...

jackie is the little dark haired girl.

Jessica said...

that is hillarious!!!!