Monday, October 30, 2006

Serves Me Right

Let me preface this by saying not all the laundry has been folded and/or put away as yet. Let me also say this post serves me right for making blog jokes about my wifely duties in our home. Let me also say that mother's instinct is a powerful thing and you should never second-guess yourself when you think, "Should I or shouldn't I?"

Let's begin with a story where I will no longer write, "Let me."

We have a very nice woman come to clean the house every other week. She's from Lithuania and I was talking with her the other day, because I talk to my cleaning lady. Others might just ignore the person who does the most important job in their home, but I want this woman to feel comfortable when she's cleaning pee stains off our toilets (which, I always wipe down before she comes so she's not too grossed out).

Anyway, we were chatting and I was telling her that her English was very good. She has been in the states just six years. I asked if she spoke any English before she came here.

She said, "Three words."

"What were they?" I asked.

She smiled shyly, and said, "Hi."

"And?" I asked. Of course, I figured out what the second word would be and I was correct.

"Bye." Pause. And then she said, "Third word..." Giggle, pause...


So, she came to America knowing Hi*Bye*Fuck.

Hey, in America, maybe that's really all you need to know to get by!

Anyway, not my "Serves Me Right" story.

She was changing the sheets on Diva's bed and I had noticed there are waterproof pads on her bed, and I almost took them off, because she never was a "bed-pee-er" like Ajers was, but some little inkling in the back of my head said, "Nah, I can do it later."

I am sooo glad I had that little voice in my head because Saturday night we went out to dinner for Ajers birthday and the kids drank about sixteen kiddie cocktails each, and she then peed in the middle of the night, not five, but probably six gallons of urine on her bed, soaking through two blankets and her jammies, and her sheets.

But not through the waterproof pads!

She calls for me at 3:42 a.m. and I rush to her.

"My bed's wet."
(How come they never know it's CUZ THEY PISSED THE BED!? It's as if they think it just rained on their bed, exactly at the spot where they would have peed, but they don't think it's possible that they could have peed the bed.)

I stripped the first layer off the bed and was thrilled to see the round wet stain planted smack in the middle of the waterproof pad! The mattress would not smell like a nursing home or a daycare center with diapers filled with pee! I was practically dancing around her room at 3:42 a.m.

I hush whispered to her, "Do you know you have the smartest mom in the world!"

"Uh-huh," she said. Then, "I'm the smartest little girl."

"You sure are!" I exclaimed. Then I thought, wow, she's being pretty nice, and we're getting along so well; she's in a pretty good mood for having just woken up in a slush of piss. Maybe I should continue this happy little conversation with her...

"Do you know you have the most fun mom in the world?"

"Uh-huh." Again! She agreed! Well, I might as well keep the compliments rolling so I said, "And do you know you have the most beautiful mom in the world?"

Through droopy eyes and now dry undies, she replied, "Uh-huh... and I'm the most beautiful little girl in the world."

UH-HUH! You said it sister friend!

I thought it was interesting that the last two posts were about laundry (which I now had a ton more to do thanks to those kiddie cocktails and a forgotten-bedtime-trip to the potty!) and the Dove beauty campaign! We've come full circle here on Manic Mom. I bitch about the laundry, and more falls from the heavens! I talk about the perception of beauty, and suddenly, Diva and I are beauties sharing secrets in the middle of the night.

* * * * * * *

Happy Halloween everyone! Tell me what you and/or your kids are going as!


1 plus twins said...

what a cute little post! i am not dressing up. halloween scares the shit out of me! i know i know i am a huge baby. anyway the boys are going as an ailen, a storm trooper and the hulk. i usually pass out candy with all the lights on cuz i don't like being in the dark and not seeing faces. for 9 yrs i have done this and hubby did the walking around. this year we are going as a family and i think i am gonna have to have a few cocktails to make it with out a panic attack. lol

xxxx said...

What a coincidence--those are the first three words of English I learned too!

Two Roads said...

I already did my dressing up. Going to see my niece and nephew tomorrow. Take a look at my blog and based on what you "know" about me, let me know which pic is me.

Steve H said...

those would be my 3 words (at least one of them would be...)

Boona is dressing as some type of black and red caped ghoul and The Bear is an army man in honor of his cousin.

The Dummy said...

The F word is one of the best words to learn! I swear it has like 10 different meanings! More bang for your buck!

Anonymous said...

That's too cute!

I always used to grumble at those late night interruptions but then there would be some quiet little conversation like that and I loved my kids all over again.

PJ is going as a pirate *again* and I am staying home to give out candy and raid his when he gets back. Not the candy-corn though...that stuff is pure evil.

Karen said...

Oh, man, too funny! I remember those days of rubber sheet protectors.

And the story about your cleaning lady is hilarious! I have a cleaning "couple" from Honduras and they speak very little English, so conversation is impossible. But they're very, very nice and good at their job.

We are only giving out candy here at our house. I miss the days of costumes! Happy Halloween!

Unknown said...

My oldest girl is going as a Zombie Barbie, and my 3-yr-old is going to be a fairy princess. She thinks she is a princess cause that's what her dad calls her. Who am I to spoil that for her?

Love this entry. And you know what? My 3-yr-old and 11-yr-old knocked on my door at 12:30 AM cause the little one peed the bed. She changed herself first, got her sister up, and came to my room. It was SO cute!

cubmommy said...

Big Cubby is going as Buzz Lightyear and Little Cubby was supposed to be Superman but it is too cold so I pulled out a old Frog costume and Big Cubby calls it an alien. So Little Cubby is an alien.

Andie said...

well, I don't have any kids, but I have a dog... and I'm going to give out candy to kids while my dog barks every second the doorbell rings! LOL

Happy Halloween! Cute post!

TTQ said...

Our little adopted girl who we let live with her real parents ('cause we are nice like that)is going to be a mermaid and it's her BIRTHDAY!!! She is my husband's pride and joy..his "Other Woman". I can't wait til 5 o'clock!!! She is going to look like Ariel 'cause she has red hair. Then we get to come home and pretend we aren't home cause the animals know only three words hi, bye and fuck. The neighbors didn't appreciate the dogs using that kind of language to the little trick or treaters!

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kate said...

No one wearing costumes at our house because we're Professional Party Poopers. Plus, we don't have any little ones. Even the doggie is about 9 and much too cool for such things. She does enjoy barking at all the little witches and goblins, although we were out most of the evening so I don't know if there were any here in the new neighborhood.

Speaking of candy, I finally posted about the candy you sent me. Thanks!!

Oh, and I teach a bunch of Latin kids and I know ALL the Spanish swear words. You'd be surprised how useful they are.

Kari Lee Townsend said...

You have a freaking cleaning lady???? Man, I'm doing something wrong at my house. Damn, if (no when, dammit) I sell this flipping book, I am going to hire a cleaning lady!!

Very cute story. I still have plastic on all my boys beds because you just never know.

Anonymous said...

Hey there! Great post. It does feel so good when you actually luck out with a parenting decision that just couldn't be any more right at that moment of God had done it that. Funny that you clean for the cleaning woman. I've done that, too. What's wrong with us?

Jess Riley said...

This year, I went as a mildly frustrated writer / homeowner awaiting a return visit from her contractor.

We had about 65 trick-or-treaters last night--they were warming their hands over our candlelit jack-o-lanterns, poor things.

Rachel said...

I love the water proof mattress pads. I have them on all the beds, because the kids don't always sleep in their own bed. Those things have saved me many a time.

My daughter was the Little Mermaid and my son was a soldier.

Trish Ryan said...

If you can only have three words to start out here, those are actually pretty good choices. Lots of options :)