Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Did Ya Ever Wonder?

Just exactly what would happen if you decided at that instant not to tap on the brakes and slam into the blue Saturn in front of you? To risk wondering whether or not the car would move in time, since the light was already green, but the car is just sitting there, brake lights gleaming, and you are cruising along, thinking, “OK, that car is going to start going any minute now so I really don’t think I need to put on my brakes.”

Did you ever wonder how much money you would save by continuing past Starbucks rather than going in for a tallwhitemochanonfatnowhip?

Did you ever wonder who strives to become a barrista? Are there people out there who think, “When I grow up, I want to work at Starbucks.” Maybe.

Did you ever wonder how much in tips they make at Starbucks, and if there are any employees that dip into the tip jar when no one’s looking?

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to not shave your armpits for like two weeks?

What would happen if you started your diet seriously today, knowing that February and Mexico are only four months away?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just went upstairs to lie down and said "Screw it" to everything else that needs to be done?

Did you ever wonder if people look at you funny when you’re shoveling McDonald French fries slathered in ketchup into your mouth so fast you can barely taste the saltiness of the fries.

Did you ever wonder what your ex-boyfriends think about when they read your blog?

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to answer the phone call from the agent who is so in love with your novel, they must represent you?

Do you ever wonder if your husband thinks you're fat but just deals with it because you’re married?

Do you ever wonder what it would really feel like to swim in a pool of jello?

Do you ever wonder if you took all the diet Coke you drank in month, and poured it into a pool, how high would it be?

Do you ever wonder why you spread that crap fake margarine onto your toast/bagel/bread and think it's healthy for you?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you squeezed a chipmunk hard enough?

Do you ever wonder how much better you’d feel if you just signed up for the damn gym already and made a commitment to make yourself healthier.

Do you ever wonder what people think of you when you smile at them in the grocery store?

Do you ever wonder if your ex-boyfriend remembers that time you listened to the Phil Collins tape over-and-over-and-over that one night when your parents were out of town?

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different if you hadn't chosen the college you chose to attend?

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be 37 with no children?

Do you ever wonder if your neighbors think you're a crazy-nut-white-trashish-type of girl because you go outside in a beat-up t-shirt, capri jammie pants, no bra, and no coat in the middle of winter?

Do you ever wonder why there are so many damn things on the floor right now?

Do you ever think about how Andrea Yates could have drowned her children like that when your own kids are in the tub laughing and playing sweetly together?

Do you ever wonder what you would smell like if you didn't shower for a full week?

Do you ever wonder how many of those dust mites you really sleep with every night?

Do you ever wonder who actually plans on making liver and onions for dinner?

Do you ever wonder if the chicken defrosted last night was left out just a bit too long that it might not be safe for your family to eat?

Do you ever wonder what they’ll say if you serve them the chicken but then you eat a bowl of cereal instead?

Do you ever wonder if this damn post will ever end?

Do you ever wonder if you’ll get through all the things you want to do in life before you get in a car wreck, get a divorce, get cancer, have a child, win an Emmy, give up?

I guess I might.

Wonder, that is. Not give up.


Anonymous said...

Did you ever wonder what life would be like with out computers?

Did you ever wonder what life would be like with out blogs?


I'm going back to bed

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I'm with ya on that tone Trish! Back to bed!

BlondeBrony said...

Was I supposed to leave bed?
Kiding, I went a meeting this morning. Now I am home.

I wonder what would happen if things is life just stayed as they were?

I wonder what would happen if people could forgive and move on?

(Sorry...I'll go before I depress anyone.)

Great list.

Trish Ryan said...

Such a fun post - I could ponder this stuff for hours. What if I'd ended up with him...what if I'd stayed in that job...what if I still lived there...what if I'd gotten a fish instead of my dog...

xxxx said...

You are so cool. This is such a fun post.

OK, I am motivated right now, so I will be your boot camp instructor. HA! Can you imagine. But if you get on me about CC, I will be the pain in the ass who asks you if you signed up for a gym yet, how's that?

I'm guessing you didn't shower again today, huh? I don't blame you!! And whatever, I am so white trash. I go outside all the time in T-shirt and jammy pants in the winter, to take out the trash or get something out of the car or whatever. AND I forget to shut my blinds. I'm sure the pervs love me.

When that agent calls you, you better call me. I think that's seriously the highlight of my day so far, picturing what that would be like. So much screaming and laughing! I think it would make me cry!

Dustin said...

chipmunk squeezing?


let's get back to the "hump" talk.

Two Roads said...

I know someone who is a barista at Starbucks. She retired from Delta and since there is no telling what is going to happen with her health insurance benefits she got a job at Starbucks. They keep trying to promote her and all she wants to do is make coffeee and work the minimum amount of hours for health insurance.

Christina said...

Hilarious! I don't remember how I got to your blog, but I am totally going home to sit on my balcony to wonder....although, I might start wondering if it's wrong.....

g. said...

I can answer the tip question from Starbucks since my sister worked there (they also have killer benefits which apply even to those who work part time)... anyways, the tips are collected each night and tallied, they are paid out every other week, the weeks in between your paychecks so in reality each Friday you get paid... they divide the tips up based on the number of hours each person works (so someone who worked 40 hours would get more tips that someone who worked 30 hours)... then they are divied up (in cash) and distributed to each person... she would make an average of $200 every other week in tips alone, sometimes like during the holidays she would make twice or three times that... she worked at a drive thru one and they definitely do better on the tips...

just in case you know, you were wondering :)

email me and I wil tell you all about washington, don't have any stupid email addresses on my laptop...

Lady Apple said...

"Do you ever wonder if this damn post will ever end?" that made me laugh! anyway, some of those wonders i have wondered before!!!

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Did you ever wonder what would happen if I go with the wrong agent? Great talking with you tonight.

MQ said...

Do you ever wonder what you would smell like if you didn't shower for a full week?

Unfortunately, I know the answer to that one... :(

Good questions!!!

Anonymous said...

I haven't shaved my armpits for like three weeks.

TTQ said...

Slam into the car in front of you because they should have been moving...Done..I broke the windsheild with my forehead.

There are other's on your list, but they all had about the same results! Not pretty.

I'm guessing the chipmunk would squeak or bite you. Maybe both, it's like a hamster.

Which leads me to one of my biggest wonderments, What would happen if I got a hamster and one of those balls that lets them go all around the house. What would the dog and cat do?

1 plus twins said...

so true!!

Angel said...

Let's see...I've done the no shaving the armpit thing, the staying in bed all day thing, the chicken left out too long thing, I don't do the starbucks thing but I think I WILL go get a job there,....
love this post! I can tell you sit there and you're typing furiously, thinking of all this random stuff...drinking diet coke.

mamashine said...


Not sure about the chipmunk, but I do have a story about a very small lapdog, the dark, and some heavy boots. Not me. But someone I know. And it wasn't pretty.

Anonymous said...

There you go - the title for your book should be DID YOU EVER WONDER?
That is FUNNY!! I was seriously laughing out loud and if I was a LITTLE older, I would be peeing in my Depends!! HA!! Really good stuff - how long does it take you to come up with each one???

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Hey Hot Mama Five-Point-Oh -- Did you ever wonder spun from me dropping Tukey off at preschool and almost slamming into a Saturn on my way home on route 53. I came home and started it that way.

Thanks for stopping by, and you don't need Depends... JUST EFFEXOR!

Rene said...

I ask myself those questions all the time.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be 37 with no children?

I don't wonder, I fantasize. Like your blog, BTW, particularly your profile.