Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Can You Do This?

Identify your own child's vomit?

Allow me to offer more detail:

Ajers woke up this a.m. sick, crawled into bed with me, complaining of a headache and stomachache. Now, I know this kid is sick when he says he is because he is usually up and dressed, teeth brushed, and breakfast set out and ready before he even comes in to wake me up in the morning.

Diva and I call him "Dad Junior." Every morning, he comes in to wake me at 7 a.m., then I go crawl into bed with Diva to wake her up, and snooze a bit more. She and I hear Ajers downstairs prepping the waffles, and then we hear him start up the stairs. She and I whisper to one another, "Uh-oh, here comes Dad Junior," and we fly out of bed, pretending to be up and ready.

So, this morning, there was no "Dad Junior" rushing us along, just a sick little guy in bed with me. I told him he didn't have to go to school. He said, "I guess I won't be learning about Medieval Times then if I don't go to school." I said I was sure the teacher would catch him up with what he missed. Then we closed our eyes for a little while, but he got up and ran into the bathroom to puke.

Dangit. I had stuff to do today, since Low Motivation Factor earlier this week had prevented me from doing stuff I needed to get done. And now, I would be caring for a sick child today.

From the bathroom, after he retched a few times, he called for me. Thinking he wanted a cool cloth or something, I got out of bed. He tells me, "You have to go wake up Diva."

Go get 'em, Dad Junior.

The kid is still concerned about his sister even when he's barfing.

Get Diva off to school, and then I grab Ajers a pedialyte popsicle, which he cannot keep down, then later I give him some 7-Up, and a few sips into it, he's back in the bathroom heaving it up. Not much in that tummy, but it's those retched-sounding yaks that you know are killing the tummy muscles.

Later, he's STARVING, dying for food. I tell him he can try some bread and if he keeps it down, he can maybe have something else later. He keeps it down. I give him another piece. Seems like he's doing well.

Good. Because I have to go pick up my brother, the one who got arrested at my other brothers' wedding in July, remember him? Well, he's in town for a visit, and he's coming to my house via train after a conference in Chicago.

So, AJers seems to be doing well, and he's begging for food.

"Hey, how about this?" he asks. It's a can of Chef-Boy-R-Dee Ravioli.

Nuh uh. Nothing red. That stuff is just not fun barfing up, and believe me, I know because I had, not one, but two identical bouts puking Barfaroni when I was in college. Yes, we were poor, yes, we had no sense of what tasted good, but why on earth did I choose to eat Beef... Barfaroni from the can in college? Yuck.

So, I know what that can do to a stomach on its way out.

I give him Cup-O-Noodles chicken soup. He takes his time with it. Says it's the best soup he ever had. Says he's feeling so much better. And, is it time to go pick up Uncle Boomer?

We get into the car. Things seem good. But then he gets a little pale. I open the window. I have a puke bowl in the car; it's been in the car forever because of my puke-boy Tukey. Ajers holds onto it.

We get Uncle Boomer. Then I have to run into the grocery store to pick up a few things. Everyone seems cool. Ajers is psyched Uncle Boomer is here. Ajers is feeling better, I can tell. Uncle Boomer has to pee. Uncle Boomer and Ajers go to the bathroom while I grab some bread, lettuce, and five frozen pizzas because I know Uncle Boomer will want to eat late at night when we come home drunk Friday night (we're taking a cab, so no worries there folks!).

I am shopping, enjoying the muzak. I always love the muzak in the grocery store, yet I'm convinced they choose specific songs to make you long for something you don't have. I've blogged about how I always hear the Ex-Boyfriend songs at the grocery store. Or they'll play Sailing, takes me away to where I ... whatever. That song, and some others, and Journey. They love playing Journey, and then some sad crap. I think they play the sad crap to put you in a sad, crappy mood when you're right next to the chocolate aisle.

It's like they have a behind-the-scenes DJ, and as soon as you turn into the aisle with cakes and cookies, they're like, "Queue the Sad-I-Miss-My-Ex-Boyfriend-Wonder-If-He-Ever-Got-Married-And-Had-Kids music!" the minute you hit that aisle.

I'm serious. There so has to be a job like that!

Anyway, the "Sad-I-Miss-My-Ex-Boyfriend-Wonder-If-He-Ever-Got-Married-And-Had-Kids" music gets cut off and I hear "Clean-up in aisle four!" and it's really weird, because after the fact, I thought to myself, "Oh, how funny. I heard them say there was a clean-up."

I turn the corner, looking for Uncle Boomer and Ajers and I see the yellow hazard Caution Slippery sign. I look down.

It's my son's puke.

Cup-O-Noodle chicken soup puke.

I can clearly identify that whoa, my son puked right here, and I even just heard the Clean-Up announcement, and I didn't even know it was for my.son's.puke.

I was really intrigued by this fact.

Then, I got concerned, and went to the bathroom and knocked on the men's door.

"Uncle Boomer? You guys okay?"

The door opens. Poor Ajers is pretty muched slathered in wet pukey clothes, with drippy spit-up noodles on his jeans.

Uncle Boomer says, "He puked."

No shit.

I said, "Go to the car, I have to get one more thing."

Uncle Boomer says, "Fuck the food. Let's get this kid home."

Now, let me tell you Uncle Boomer is a father; a father to an eight-month-old. He hasn't exactly been around the block yet. I'm not done shopping. The kid is done puking, but I'm not done shopping. I tell him I will get the groceries and meet them outside.

They scoot out of the store, and I'm left kid-free, a cart-full of stuff I needed, and dang it, I'm not deserting the necessities just because of a little vomit.

Nope. I stroll out of there, side-step the pool of chicken noodle puke and I seriously have to chuckle because I can just picture my brother, walking with AJers and then Ajers booting all over the place, and the funny thing was he barfed right in front of the pharmacy in the grocery store, and there were like seven or eight people waiting for their prescriptions. All of them watching my son puke in the store.

And they all had to think Uncle Boomer was Ajers father. And here I am, guiding my cart around MY SON'S PUKE, laughing to myself, being seriously glad Uncle Boomer took the fall for Ajers!

Does this make me a rotten mom? Cuz maybe I a.m... Hee, hee, hee.


Anonymous said...

One of my very clear early memories- I am maybe 5? I wake up at my grandmas and don't feel well. I puke. I puke all the way down the hall and then wake up my mom. (dad continues to sleep) Mom washes me up. tucks me into bed. As I am falling back asleep I see her on her hands and knees in her jammies, scrapping my puke out of the carpet and I thought "this is what it means to be the mommy."

xxxx said...

HA HA HA HA. Poor Ajers. I LOVE that you steered the cart around the puke and kept going.

So, one of my favorite things to do is go to the grocery store late at night when no one is there and sing out loud along to the muzak as I walk down the aisles. I LOVE the muzak!!!

eyes_only4him said...

OMG..that is too funny..I mean that your boy wa sick, but the whole fucking senario.

my son is like a dad jr too..he is up at 5:30 in the morning, makes his own breakfast, and if I am not downstairs by like ten to 7 he comes to inform me i am late getting up..he has even on one or two occaions gotten the baby up and fed her breakfast..

i am not ashamed either:)

Hope ajers gets better, but i am afraid its only gonna work its way thru your will be next..sorry lady:)

TTQ said...

Not a bad mom at all. He's learning the show must go on!And the world doesn't stop when he is sick. I was expecting this post to be about you puking after everytime he puked!
My husband gets ill when anybody gets sick, he doesn't have to see them do it either..just hearing someone in the bathroom will do it for him...if he see the puke..aww hell just run for cover..

1 plus twins said...

that is too damn funny. sorry your son was sick but it so damn funny.

Rachel said...

That's too funny. I would have done the same thing.

Drewpy Drew said...

Congrats!! You just set two records!!

1. Most puking references in a single bolg.

2. Most uses of the word "Barf" in a single blog.

I am so jealous. You have put all guy bloggers to shame.

You go girl :)

Martini said...

First....I'm back. After a somewhat long papal haitus. I've posted a new blog....check it out.

I can almost top your blog. My oldest son had to puke while we were eating at a Joe's Crab Shack...however he forgot too say anything until he had to spew which was right between appetizers and entrees.

If you've been to Joe's you know they have buckets for trash and stuff in the center of the table. Guess what I grabbed for him to puke in.....the bucket. And we would be the table the furthest away from an exit, a bathroom but the closest to the kitchen.

We've not been back since......parenting is pretty cool. I'll embarrass him with that story when he's in high school.

Steve H said...

Boona barfed Chef-Boy-R-Dee once. On the carpet. A light colored carpet.

'Sailing' is a great song...

Anonymous said...

super funny story!!! Sorry about the boy being sick!! thanks for the laughs!!!


Save Sheila said...

That was so funny and so real! Been there and done that!

kim said...

Do you ever pretend to not know who your kid is when they act out in public?

If you throw a shaming look at your kid, then make eye contact with the on looking adults and make the, "Who's rude kid is that? Where are their parents? No wonder," face -- that's good parenting.

That's my tip for day, go ahead, take it.

Trish Ryan said...

You're not a bad Mom, you're a GREAT Mom - just look at the public service you performed, ensuring that the clean up on aisle four was little noodles, not hunks of half-digested beef-o-roni??? Honestly, that store should give you a plaque.

Two Roads said...

Since we are telling public puking instances - my niece wanted to spend the night with me - all by herself (without her brother). So I tell my sister I will come and pick her up, take her to dinner and then back to my house. My niece loves this place called Moe's (cheap tacos and the kids get a cookie). Before we leave my sister says my niece might not eat much because she had been snacking after swim practice. She seemed hungry enough, ate her taco and a few chips very quickly. I told her to wait a minute before she ate the cookie. the next thing I know she says she's not feeling too well and then 1/2 second later starts spewing. I the quick thinker push the table out of the way and tell her to aim for the floor. I'm half laughing and half trying to calm her down because she was mortified that she was barfing in the restaurant. This nice man comes over and puts a stack of napkins on the table and ask if I needed any help. I told him it appeared over and thanked him. I quickly finish my meal (hey - I'm hungry even with barf on the floor). Get the restaurant people to clean up the mess. And what does my niece say - can I take the cookie home and eat it later? Sweet child!

Anonymous said...

Okay, that was hilarious. So not a bad mom. You had things you had to get. Hope he feels better.

Anonymous said...

How Bree Van De Kamp of you to steer around the puke and continue shopping. :)

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Anon in NYC--

How funny that I was at first like, "Who is Bree Van De Camp?" Then I realized it's Marcia Cross! I do not watch Desperate Housewives. I guess because I live it! (OF course, without all the glamour, plastic surgery, available money, hot plumbers, and whatever else they have going on over on Wisteria Lane!)

Barbie Jo Mahoney said...

Manic, you are sooo not a bad mom. funny as hell story. I too thought there was going to be a reference of more than one person puking. Poor Ajers. Hope he's feeling better, and I hope no one else gets sick.

Knowing your own childs's like knowing which one of your family members was the last one in the bathroom.....

Karyn said...

You told him I have the hots for him??!!@! LOL. Maybe he can be my new boy toy.

Slackermommy said...

If you are a bad mom then I should have my kids taken away because I've been there way too often.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Karyn! Love the photos of you and your new Boy Toy Ryan! I better get asked to be the matron of honor! You can carry fish down the aisle!

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Oh, yuck! Poor little guy. But how funny that you kept going. It screams of a mom with more than one kid. Your poor brother has no idea what he's in for. Give him time. He'll be bypassing the puke too;))

Anonymous said...

Okay--I never comment (except occasionally on Swishy's blog, but I know her), but I read your blog all the time. I wish I knew you! You are so great!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Allee! Swish told me she has friends who read Manic! THanks for posting! And if you're a friend of Swish's, you've got to be cool too!

Thanks for coming out to say hey, and maybe I'll make it over by that arch someday and we can meet up and do stupid, fun, crazy things like I do when I'm around Swish!

: )

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

Ah, yes, the grocery store mishap. Sorry you guy was sick.

A few weeks ago I was in the Stop and Shop, chatting away with the manager about this and that when my daughter's diaper plopped OFF her body (she was seated in the cart, mind you) and onto the floor with a pee filled thud. Talk about your clean up in aisle 4!

I had just finished explaining to said manager that my little one doesn't speak (he was talking to he) - she has autism - when off the Pamper fell. The dear man didn't skip a beat. Said "I have kids I get it." He brought me a plastic bag and then tossed the bag into a trash can for me. School hadn't changed her all morning and so she was reeealy wet. Those diapers turn to lead!

Now I shop at Poricelli's....


Michelle said...

Wow. Definitely some questions I need to ask now -- like how does one get arrested at a wedding -- and hmm no, I'm stuck on the puke in the store. I am SO afraid of this. I know it's only a matter of time. And would you believe my word was ingested?